-->WORDS OF A TRAVELER<--

Blissfully Forgotten

2011-12-07T17:27:00.005+04:00

Salam 3lykm

You know how they say..'your face will forever stay imprinted in my mind, and I'll never forget you for as long as I live' about someone you cared about? Funny thing is, you actually do look back at things that once made you cry, and laugh. Sb7analla, I stumbled across some really old files on my PC..& I couldn't help bursting into a fit of crazy giggles, LOL.x$

I have long forgotten what you look like, let alone what you sound like. Your name has become like countless other names out there, Al7mdlla. I try to remember that which I tried for SO long to forget, yet it is like you & I never happened. Al7mdlla.

So here's some consolation for those of you out there, who think they're going through a heart-piercing breakup: time heals. I swear I didn't believe that for as long as I was told it, but someday, you'll be able to look at it as just another experience. Merely another valuable lesson learned.

And here's some advice for you 'lil ones' out there: as irresistible and intriguing the media makes a premarital relationship seem, I swear you're better off waiting for your spouse, trust me. Relationships are only the hard way around learning why intermingling of the sexes is forbidden in Islam, if you ask me.

Don't demean those three valuable words..save 'em for the one who actually proves it to you in ink. *Think 'the legal bond', not a friggin' love letter, mind you ._.* Save 'em for the one who legalizes his/her love for you in front of the entire world.

Treat "I love you" like something sacred; indeed, the only one worthy of it is he/she who isn't reluctant/afraid of letting the world know..it's only YOU he/she wants to spend the rest of his/her life with.

PS. This post wasn't supposed to be all mushy, gooey, and lovey-dovey; it just took a sudden turn in that direction.xD
PPS. I deemed premarital relationships wrong long before I got married, right after I'd gone down the 'wrong way'..to the notorious 'Dark Side'.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

To Celebrate..or NOT?

2011-12-05T13:52:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

Birthdays aren't meant to be celebrated, innit? And I always knew that..but try sharing the same birthday with your spouse! I swear that's just something irresistibly 'celebratable'!x$ And yes, I speak from experience; Bu3awas turns 24 on the 22nd, while I turn 23.=$

Besides, it's our first birthday together..maybe I've been brainwashed, but tell me that isn't easy to overlook! I'm thinking of celebrating it on the 23rd, though..because that technically has no significance, innit?O:) Deep down inside, I know it's just wrong!x_x

Gimme ideas, suggestions..whatever! Help a sista out, 'yall! I've been providing free 'entertainment' for a few years, already..here's your chance to make it all worthwhile!x$

I await your comments this time over!

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

The End

2011-11-23T20:38:00.008+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

Sh7aaalkm, Readers? No, this isn't about the end of my blog..not just yet, anyway! This poem's been inspired by a trial a sister I know is currently going through; may Allah make it easy for her, & bless her life with eternal bliss, for she truly deserves it..Ameen.

I was surprised to have written it within less than 10 minutes; I didn't know I still had that in me! I know you would probably expect happier posts, not to mention..mushier ones, but naah. I can't really put all that lovey-dovey stuff in words, without sounding err..jee-ay-why. x_x

I would like to request you all to pray for this sister's marriage..pray that the word 'divorce' stays out of the scenario, and they rekindle the love they once had..it's a very saddening situation indeed.

Leaving you with, "The End":

Thoughts of you once made me smile
Now they just make my eyes well up with tears
Why did you only let it last for a while?
I'd wanted for it to last countless years

Now I feel depressingly hollow inside
Never thought you would put me through so much pain
It doesn't matter how hard I tried
Regret, bitterness, & sorrow is all there was to gain

In sickness and in health; for better or for worse
You just gave it all up in the blink of an eye
Our marriage turned from a blessing into a curse
And all you had to do to save it was just..TRY

Once again, I'd like to request you all to pray for this couple; The Damned is trying really hard to sever once blissful ties..Barak Allah feekm w Jzakm Allah 5ayr.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Bitter

2011-11-20T10:05:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm

I only turn to this blog when I can't turn to anyone else; when I feel depressed, angry, or both. And helpless. Feeling all of those since the past few days. Overthinking's going to get the best of me someday! I try really hard to push away all negativity, but 'old habits die hard', innit?

I wrote up another poem, but this time I wrote it over three days..not because I'm losing my ability of turning my feelings into words, but the words I was coming up with kinda scared me. I don't want to be ungrateful for what I've been given..and I've been given more than I could ever imagine, let alone ask for..al7mdlla..

But I suppose I'm bitter for other reasons..namely the atmosphere at home, combined with being stuck here. Let's just say..my marriage was a miracle, given life's circumstances. I don't know what it is..to be quite honest..but I wrote this poem up, & again..I've written better. It's just all jumbled up; makes little sense to the reader, but holds a lot of raw feelings.

Just for the record, it's not Bu3awas. It's just..I don't know..overthinking? Honestly, my mind redefines the meaning of overthinking. Yet I still have to pinpoint where this bitterness is coming up from..I was fine 'til a week or so ago..

Leaving you with 'Bitter':

Am I supposed to tell you how I feel?

Do I tell you how I'm broken inside?

The smile on my face isn't real

It does well to mask the tears I've cried

I desire to break free from captivity

Run 'til my organs can take it no more

Winds assaulting tears viciously

Bitterness devouring me to the core

"Smile." I need a reason that holds

"Be strong." ..And you think I'm being weak?

"Live life." I'm fed up, truth be told

"Think positive." Practice what you f***ing preach

...Then again, it could be the destitute state my Iman currently is in, that has me feeling so..negative..

لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين

Slow Death

2011-11-16T10:16:00.002+04:00

Salaaaaaam Allaaaahhhh 3lykm!

Did the title scare y'all? Instill some hope, perhaps?:p I'm not dying, not literally anyway! It's a slow virtual death..yep. Soon, when y'all google 'Um3eesa' or 'Um3awas', you might not find this blog anymore.

Before you reach out for my neck, lemme explain! Or try to, anyway..the brothers should be able to understand; y'all wouldn't like your wife to be 'reachable' online, right? Yeah, Bu3awas' stance is pretty valid, regardless of how many painstaking years it's taken to build this blog up.

I closed down all my social networking accounts as a result. I wouldn't like for suspicions to knock on the door, let alone enter our marriage. Once they enter, love walks out. So yeah, I'd rather be socially dead than be..wait for it..waaaiiiiit for it.."Forever Alone".:p

Yes, I miss sharing my nonsense online..& yes, I miss the friends I made along my...Internet Journey?=| ...but I have a lot more important, concrete aspects of life to anticipate now..& there's no way I can let those crumble.

I guess..this is where 'opportunity cost' comes in, innit? You win some, you lose some. All good things come to an end, innit? Except marriage. If you work for it. I want to hold on to Bu3awas; he's my 'citizenship' for Jannah.=$

Yeah okay, enough mushiness already!xD This was just a general update on life...just to show you I'm still alive. Fortunately or unfortunately.:P

'Til next time,

Essalam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Ecstasy

2011-10-16T15:02:00.002+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

I wrote this at Fajr, on the 15th of October; it wasn't meant to be poetic, honestly..but when Bu3awas pointed out it's a poem, I realized it actually did rhyme quite a bit.x$ I leave you all with my latest, 'Ecstasy'.

Intoxicated by your scent, senses heightened by your touch; I'd rather put celibacy to shame. Taking more of you in, with each breath..cautiously; fearing the inability of being affected by your fragrance again. My heart against yours, beating in perfect harmony; with our lips in sync, dancing to a beat..inaudible..even to those in close proximity.

Your touch..fingertips stirring up an internal inferno of passion in their wake..your scent, a sweet intoxicant; slowly leaving my sanity at stake.

A Single Step

2011-10-10T16:15:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

Should I start with, "I'm grateful to be alive today?" That would be very unlikely under normal circumstances, but let's just say, I am. Yesterday, it was just one step that saved my life. Literally. Again, it was Allah's Protection & Will, undoubtedly..but had I not retreated, I suppose my family would have been receiving condolences on my demise today.

Sb7analla..no life flashed before my eyes, when I saw that speeding car heading towards me. All I saw were really bright headlights, to be honest. All I could think about was, "I've not prayed elm'3arb yet, wana mb mtwa'9ia." Strangely enough, I didn't think of anyone, 'til that car whizzed past, ruffling my 3ba. I looked straight ahead and thought, "at least the hospital was close by".

It was surreal. A woman who was also waiting at the crossing shrieked, when I stepped down on the road. After all, the traffic light had turned red, and the pedestrian-crossing, green. Needless to say, as soon as the car went by, I crossed the road like nothing happened. "Like a boss." Lol, no seriously...I only realized what really happened when I came out of the shower. That's when everything hit me.

It would have been alright, I guess. Bu3awas would've been matched up with another girl, possibly a friend. Plenty'a fish in the sea, innit? My subjects would've been given to a colleague or two, &..well, my sister would finally have her own room, & maybe even her own laptop!:P Maybe the sudden death would've made my father realize the grave mistakes he's been committing, & he'd finally soften down on the family. Maybe.

Bottom line is, I'm alive. Al7mdlla. But whoever thought a single step could save a life, eh? I've heard about it, but never really gave it much consideration, to be quite honest.

I can't help wondering who Bu3awas would've married instead, though.x'$

'Til next time,

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Priceless

2011-10-05T17:02:00.002+04:00

This was something I wrote in Rm'6an around Fajr, whilst in Makkah. It's what really broke my so-called 'writer's block', but I didn't deem it good enough to join the rest on this blog. However, while going through my phone, I decided it belongs here, along with my years-worth of mindless babble. So yeah, I leave you with 'Priceless'.

If you asked me what you meant to me
I'd be unable to give you a proper reply
Putting it in words is far from easy
And anything less would be a lie

The sun rises and sets everyday
Warmth spreads across as it shines
Yet enveloped in cold darkness, I stay
'Til your life crosses mine

If I said you mean the world to me
This world is but filth covered in gold
It knows not the meaning of eternity
And for a cheap price, could be bought & sold

Eternity is what comes to mind
As thoughts of you enlighten my heart
Having left all negativity behind
Deeming you 'Priceless' from the very start

I dedicate this to my one & only: Bu3awas.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

The Big Finale

2011-10-05T16:27:00.002+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

Yes, I know. It's been a while since I last wrote any poems, to the extent that I thought I'd finally murdered the drunk 'poet' in me, but sadly...she lives. I guess she surfaces when life begins to take a toll on me, like it's currently doing right now. No, it's not because I'm married; it's because of that one person who's bound to screw up our lives for us. If you know me well enough, you'd know who that is, & if you don't, well..I'm sure there's a good reason for that, innit?

This poem's really scrambled up; a depiction of my mind, really. I don't finish processing one thought, when another begins pushing through, struggling to make it's way to my heart. Yes, I tell you..my thoughts are murderous.

I'm barely making any sense here, lol..disturbed state of mind. I leave you with, 'The Big Finale'.

I don't know where to begin
My life's now a mere blur
Suppressing feelings within
Causing my heart to falter

Painting a happy portrait
Allowing all energy to drain
Using hatred to communicate
Dousing Happiness with Pain

Patience writhes, badly inflicted
Stabbed by pain endlessly
Every breath comes out constricted
One step closer to 'The Big Finale'

It's not as good as the rest, but its worth a sh*t-load of bottled up feelings. I'm finally letting them go.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

'iMarried'

2011-09-02T00:01:00.003+04:00

Salaaaaam Allah 3lykm,

Sh7alkm, dearest Readers? I've been crazy busy for a while, as usual. My life's never known any other way than 'hectic', so it seems! This blog's just collecting dust now, innit?:|

'Husband, wife, marriage.' Marriage. These words have always seemed so..foreign..to me. Little did I know, it would all change on 28th July, 2011. Yes, Bu3awas has finally enlightened my life with his brightening presence.;$

I got married, & left for KSA the very next day.:| Word of advice: distance SUCKS. If you plan to get married, or NOT..cancel all trips abroad, unless they're with your spouse. Agonizing, I tell ya.

I was in KSA for Rm'6an..lain el3eed, Al7mdlla..bs it was REALLY hard; my mind was totally out of focus. My lack of concentration during 3ibadah was almost frustrating; it defeated the purpose of headin' there in the first place!x_x

It wasn't planned AT ALL; it wouldn't come as a surprise to all, that everything happened within a week. One helluva whirlwind experience. I'm still somewhat..dazed..right now. I still can't believe it sometimes, "I'M a WIFE." Overwhelming.

Bu3awas is a LOT more than I could ever ask for, Al7mdlla. May Allah give me the opportunity to value him for his worth, & be a source of happiness, peace, and contentment in his life; Allahumma Ameen.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

My Lovebugs

2011-07-17T13:08:00.003+04:00

This post's dedicated to those who made me smile and grin when I least wanted to; those who stood by me when I knew not where to go, & those who made me see 'the greener side', when I was surrounded by darkness. My Lovebugs.

I left you all, not because I couldn't give a damn about how you felt after I walked away, but because I gave a damn about how I was ruining your timelines. My unhappiness was clearly reflected through the words I used, & instead of brightening up your timelines like you did mine, I was doing the very opposite.

This is my decision; once upon a time, I hated Twitter, yet you made me love it..to the point where I was addicted to it. I tried breaks, which only failed. I tried leaving, which failed too. This time, I plan to make it work. I plan to make it work, because I know returning would be a fail.

I know some of you hate me for it, I know some of you couldn't care less; soon, you'll all be indifferent to my decision, and it'll be forgotten. I'm no deranged, attention-seeking drama queen, and it sucks to be thought of as one. I've always been a loner, and company's something I have never been able to handle. Isolation has always been my refuge.

I don't mind criticism, but I can't stand mockery, and I saw too much hurtful sarcasm being flung around. People say one shouldn't have to explain themselves, yet I'm an open book. For letting you down, I apologize..but I'm just being me. This is who I am; I shun people. I shun them, because they give you happiness & love, then snatch it back when you least expect it. And being a person, I know I probably do that, too. So, I shun people.

It's not a definite solution, and it definitely has its repercussions, but it has worked for now. As my Lovebugs, I only hope you'll understand where I'm coming at. I know you won't mock me, at least. If you want to contact me, there are many alternatives; Twitter was just one of them.

I love you all as my very own, which is probably why I never said 'goodbye'. And I'm not saying it now either, because the mere thought of it has my eyes welled up with tears. As dramatic as it may sound, I have faith our lives will cross paths again, and hopefully this time, I won't run away as an escape.

Rabbi ywaffgkm w ys3dkm dnya w a5irah..<3

Paranoia Kills

2011-07-15T16:23:00.005+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

Yay, another post within days; my Blogger has miraculously come back to life!=D No, seriously..I just wanted to update my stalkers on my whereabouts. No, okay..all jokes aside, I just missed blogging.

I'm not writing any poems yet, nor am I writing deep, thought-provokingly poetic posts. I'm just nurturing this blog in hope that my thoughts will sort themselves out, before they're blog-bait. In other words, I'm resorting to blogging as therapy again.

Talking to people helps temporarily; you never know when they could use your thoughts against you. Through blogging, I suppose all these posts could be used against me, but at least I don't have to know what you think when you read my posts. Not commenting is working for me; keep it up. Honestly. I'm better off not knowing what you think of me.

This is my domain; I get to choose whether I want to be happy or sad, sane or deranged. Whatever I choose helps throw pent-up feelings out, where they can't cause my insides any damage. Right now, that's what I'm working on..'spring-cleaning my insides'.

If people really care, they do so without mocking you in your absence. They understand your stance, having been told how you feel. If they don't, then putting yourself out there as a mere source of their entertainment is just ridiculous.

Anyway, this part of the world is unbearably hot, so I'm thinking of taking a trip to where it's cold. The change would be good, and going off the grid for a while would be nice. Come to think of it, there's only one main source to all my problems:

The Internet.

If I were to shut down all accounts, nearly all my problems would go away. I'm currently testing this notion; I'm now saying no to social networking. Let's see how far that goes. Right, enough rambling for now,

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Realization Strikes

2011-07-11T16:50:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

Sh7alkm, Readers? I've been 'speechless' for a while. I shouldn't have been; my bouts of madness should be chronicled, so I can read them later on and realize every bad phase comes to an end. I should have taken it out here, instead of Twitter, but apparently..Twitter did comatose the Blogger in me.

Throughout my entire life, I've always handed over a knife to people in need of self-defense; however, I've not even stepped away from them, and it's embedded snugly in my back. My strategy has always been disconnection. I pull away, tend to my wounds in solitude, & come back out again. As a result, my back's now a sieve.

I'm not a people person, I've never been a people person, & I doubt I'll ever be a people person. I was happy in my own little bubble, yet people weren't. They wanted me to mix with people of my own age; they found my isolation disturbing. I was happy. I was made to believe it would do me damage, but the point is I was happy.

I was happy, but failed to realize it.
Don't follow in my footsteps; they lead to dead-ends.
Here's to a fresh new start. Yet again.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

A Tragedy

2011-05-01T12:17:00.002+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

Sh7alkm, Dearest Readers? Yes, I know..negligence has plagued this blog. You might be happy to learn I'll need its support to get through the rough patch Life's pulling me through right now. So, I'll get my fingers working over these dusty keys once again.

I do know everything happens for a reason, and whatever happens is for the best, but there are some shocks in life that take a while to finally accept as 'beneficial'. As for me, it takes a while for tragedies to overcome their numbing effect, and when they do, they sink in deep...causing irreversible damage.

May Allah free all Muslims of hardships that currently pose as obstacles in their walkway of life; Ameen. I leave you with my latest, 'A Tragedy'.

Overtaken by this confusion
Thoughts I don't understand
Everything good is just an illusion
That disappears as I bring forth my hand

I dare not whisper a word
For fear that my soul may hear
You might find it absurd
But deprivation I can no longer bear

Acidic tears sting disbelieving eyes
A dull ache paralyzing my heart
My mind, numbed by the shocking surprise
Killing all hopes of a promising fresh start

Thoughts? Comments? Criticism? Leave me a comment, so I know you've been here. =)

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Murderous Love

2011-04-03T14:44:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Reminiscent? Yes..pretty much so. Dark, as usual..my poetry has rarely seen 'light'. I leave you with my latest, "Murderous Love". Cliche, I know..for the lack of an imagination kicked into overdrive. Forgive me this time.

I merely looked at you in admiration
Never expecting you to scar my heart
You were my 'heaven-sent inspiration'
The sweet promise of a fresh start

I hadn't expected acidic retorts
I hadn't foreseen plunging into an abyss
My positive mentality you did distort
Belief in myself I chose to desist

Your hidden resentment was my demise
Bludgeoned in my heart was your name
Stifled were my wretched cries
My attempt to love you left me maimed

Comments? Criticism? You know the drill.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Anger's Fatality

2011-03-07T19:42:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

The obnoxious delays in posts stem from the fact that I've become a tweetaholic; I need to start a 'Tweetaholics Anonymous" circle..although I doubt anyone else is as addicted as I am!x_x However, I thought it would make up for blogging, and I thought absolutely wrong. I reached a very unstable, frenzied state of mind last night, and decided I'd have to put tweeting on a hold. It was leeching on the Blogger in me. Anyway, I leave you with my latest poem, 'Anger's Fatality'.

My nerves lie frayed, mind disturbed
Your silence sounding shrill alarms
Heart confused; is this what I deserve?
Or does your inner sadist derive pleasure as you cause me harm?

Your loathsome words of hatred burn
Eyes like burning coals, menacingly aglow
Spitting venom that makes my insides churn
The beginning of your demise, albeit slow

Fangs sunken in deep, into your writhing flesh
Bloodstream defiled by the fatal infliction
Hatred's paralysis of the heart yet fresh
Followed by the vile serpent's constriction

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

An Eternal War

2011-02-04T03:33:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm,
Long time, Dearest Readers..I have missed blogging. You can primarily blame Twitter, as it is serves as an easier way to vent out my anger. Seriously. Sh7alkm? Where have I been? Let's see..I'm currently in Rya'9, and will be back home in Bu '6abi tomorrow, Bi 2ithnillaah. 'Nuff said. Here's a poem I wrote in the end of January, whilst in Madinat Al-Munawwarah..I obviously can't remember the date ._. I leave you with, 'An Eternal War'.

My words may be drowned by silence
My sight blinded to hide the pain
Yet, ceases not the internal violence
Both opponents endangered - nearly slain

If I manage to maintain my composure
That's denial in its best form
My 'beast' desists from attaining exposure
Leading to an internal storm

Imprisoned and tormented; closer to the end with every beat
Opponent #1 strikes back impulsively
Sheltered by a cave; never ready to face defeat
Opponent #2's moves planned strategically

They fight my soul to its timely death
Every blow weakening its strong-hold
Ceasing their battle at my last breath
The war story of Heart VS Mind remains...
Untold.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Leave Me Be

2011-01-05T20:46:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

I found this in my drafts, written on the 5th of January, 2011. Thought I might as well blog it, because it describes my current thoughts perfectly. I don't know why I didn't blog it then, probably because our router went out at night as usual? I don't know, but anyway..here you go..more silent reading for you guys.:P

I'm beginning to fade away into a great space of nothingness, mesmerized by the sounds of happiness around me. Entranced. I don't want to join in, for fear I will be sucked into Oblivion that devours me. Happiness blinds, and so does Love. Yet, both are like addictive drugs that eat away at your very soul.

I don't want to be led, neither do I want to be followed. I don't want to know anyone, neither do I want to be known anymore. I just want to be let go. I want peace. I don't want to live in constant fear of my future. I don't want to make anymore friends or enemies. I don't want to inflict or be inflicted by blinding pain.

PS. Now I realize why I didn't blog it; it has this 'unfinished' touch to it. Well, that's how my life currently is, innit? Unfinished.

A Lifetime Mission

2010-12-14T22:49:00.006+04:00

Salam 3lykm

A poem I wrote...describing what I would want my lifetime mission to be, in a nutshell. تقبل الله منا و منكم صالح الأعمال

I'll retrace deeply carved wounds
Piercing carefully through the scabs
Heart staining my fingers with blood
I'll retrieve the bitter memories I have

I'll do it all to see you smile again
I'll do it all so you don't cry alone
I'll do it all so I can share your pain
Don't pretend to have a heart of stone

Your silent tears I've not yet seen
Their escape betrayed by your words
Your happiness now lies demeaned
Lovers' delirium, you deem absurd

I'll penetrate deeper into my soul
Sharing dark secrets of past shame
I'll do it all with ONE irresistible goal
Inscribing on your bleeding heart..
Allah's Name.

Remember: Allah tests us with Blessings, and Blesses us with Tests.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Inflicted

2010-12-07T15:11:00.002+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Sh7alkm? I know I said I'll stop asking this question, but that was before I knew I had so many wonderful yet silent readers. This is a thought that just came to mind as I was finishing up a poem I started last night:

"I am but an open book that people roughly flip through, not caring whether they rip or smudge a page as they do so."

This poem reduced my mother to tears...needless to say, it was smudged beyond recognition as I wrote it last night. I had to struggle to understand what I had written, so I could complete it today. Yes, I am unbelievably sensitive, so never believe when I tell you..I don't give a damn about what people say. Because the truth is..I do. I leave you with my latest, 'Inflicted'.

Your mockery; like a burning coal
I'm trying to ignore what you say
Charred flesh; down to my soul
I promise I'll walk away someday

You don't know I've been affected
I hardly think you would even care
Resentment, your words reflected
I wanted to dissipate into thin air

Acidic retorts yet burn my soul
I know not what I said or did wrong
My happiness you heartlessly stole
Made me feel like I never belonged

I thought you were different
I thought you would reciprocate
Seems like humanity now lies stagnant
Iron-fisted to give; Needily greedy to take

I dedicate this to all those who have successfully hurt me with their mockery, and who will continue to do so, especially after coming across this post. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing me I'm still human, and susceptible to your sweet venom.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Farewell..'Til Further Notice

2010-12-02T14:52:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

Here's something I wrote last night, after talking to Mommie-Dearest about 'life'.

A word of advice: Never tell your children they're engaged. Unless things have finalized, don't say a word to them. 'Specially not to your lil princesses. Because when their sky-high castles are torn down, so is your heart. Al7mdlla 3la kl 7aal.

I am single. I am in the prime years of my life, and I'm no longer waiting around for this charming Bu 3awas guy to sweep me off my feet like a broom. No. I'm through with that whole 'wife-in-waiting' phase. It's just too painful. Build high hopes, and eventually..I know they'll come crashing down. I'm no longer holding on to this fantasy; I'm taking the advice of several people I know, when I say, 'I'm letting go'.

What caused this change? Well, it's pointless. Why should I be this damsel in distress, waiting for her prince to come a-knockin'? I don't mean to be an airhead, but al7mdlla..I'm still desirable. Why should I tie myself down with an imaginary weight? That's what this whole fantasy is, really. Don't get me wrong..I still love Bu 3awas. And he'll know that when he comes around. But I'm pretty sure he isn't wallowing around in misery over me, so I'm done doing that!

I'm single, and until I sign an official legal document that states otherwise, I'm nothing but that. I'm still Um 3awas, but bear in mind..there really NEVER was a Bu 3awas. ;) Unless of course, you consider Imam At-Tirmidhi's Kniya. x'D

So..if you're out there 'Bu 3awas', good for you, mate. Your existence is totally insignificant to me, love..'til you sign the Legal Bond, & perhaps..put a dazzling rock on this finger. I sure as hell deserve it, for waiting this long.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Burning Desire

2010-11-30T14:34:00.005+04:00

Salam 3lykm

I'm back with another poem; this time, you need to be a little more analytical to understand the full meaning behind it. Inclining towards premarital relationships, I decided to 'summarize' what they're all about. Some may agree; some may disagree; and some may agree to disagree - whatever you choose, it would always be nice to see a comment or two. :P

Passion looms thickly in the air
Silence betraying their heartbeats
Her fingers raking through his hair
Fragrances intoxicatingly sweet

Lips dancing together; synchronized
Tongues play-fighting in humidity
A heated embrace having long-denied
Fiery passion, masked by stupidity

Supple skin glistens under the moonlight
Her perfect curves seductively outlined
Resisting carnal desires with all his might
Ravishing her, having clouded his mind

Suddenly wary of the unwelcomed distraction
She gently pulls herself away
'Magnetism' fails to describe their sinful attraction
Deathly orbs now lustfully ablaze

Watching in anger as she slowly shakes her head
Silent tears acknowledge the ugliness of of his soul
His words, like the sand thrown upon the dead
Glowing embers, marking the birth of a 'Black Hole'

I won't add the analysis to this, as it will inhibit your perceptions. It would be great to read different analyses, so if you want..you may try to analyze this. ;D But I know you won't.:P

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

The Uncanny Savior - Suicide

2010-11-28T20:50:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Sharing an essay I wrote as an assignment during my last semester. It was supposed to be a distressing experience, and I thought..hmm..an incident from life, shall we? Life when I took a trip to what I like to call, "The Dark Side". It did happen this way. Fortunately or unfortunately. My first suicide attempt. Nothing outta the ordinary. Shay6an takes control when you stray away from Allah.

The Uncanny Savior: Suicide

I stared ahead at the wall in front of me as I tightly pinched the bridge of my nose. Tears welled up in my eyes, as an excruciating pain surged through my heart. No one understood the turmoil I was going through. No one knew that, had I shunned this despicable life I now lived, I was going to turn back into the friendless loner I had always been. I had filled that gaping hole in my life with books; nothing could ever replace books, because reading is what had kept me from plummeting into the outstretched claws of insanity for so long. However, it was also what had led to my becoming a social misfit.

No one was witness to how I would sob my heart out until I had no more tears left to cry. Murderous thoughts began to play on my mind as I tried to push away the heartless taunting and mockery I had been throughout my years at school. I had always been the ‘extremist’; having been brought up in a strictly religious family, I had not known what celebrities were, and had no exposure whatsoever to music or movies until grade 7 or 8. Thus, I had been made fun of and shunned as a ‘religious freak’, and had been left to the mercy of the endless rows of books in our school’s library.

As the taunting got worse, I started becoming more rebellious to hide the pain. I was still a misfit, but instead of a ‘religious freak’, I turned into an outcast. I was daring, and it was not long before the tables were turned on those who would bully me. I got into a few physical fights, but save for a few cuts and bruises, came out unharmed. I was still talked about behind my back, but at least no one had the guts to come up to me and mock me. I had now donned a mask, thus becoming ‘the hypocritical freak’.

I might have been all toughened up on the outside, but I hated myself. The worst part was committing sins despite knowing clearly the punishments I would receive for them. As the self-hatred grew, I eventually went into isolation. I gradually stopped eating; everything tasted so bitter, that even the mere thought of food was nauseating. Sleep had long-deserted me, to be ‘victimized’ by the All-Vengeful: insomnia. I would keep my lips sealed, fearing that I would not be able to stop the endless flow of tears that would accompany my barely-coherent speech.

Signs of fatigue and negligence were becoming increasingly visible on my face. The telltale dark circles that had formed over sleepless nights under my glazed eyes, added to the eyesore I had become for those around me. Every day, my parents would up with a new color to describe my pallid complexion, “Yellow!”, “Purple!”, “Gray!”, while I sarcastically marveled at their ‘newly-found creativity’.

I deliberately began pushing away everyone around me; they had done nothing but added to the pain I had suffered in life, with what seemed like endless criticism then, but what I actually recognize now as genuine concern. Instead, I had spiraled down a deep vortex of depression and had surrendered to it, allowing it to slowly suck the life out of me. The sun rose and set; nights crept up over days, and days surrendered to nights, yet mine were enveloped by pitch-black darkness. It was though I lived on, only because my breathing had not yet ceased. I had become totally anti-social, repelling even the kindest person in my world: my mother. Her ‘endless nagging’ pushed me to extremes, even though it stemmed from the deep, agonizing concern of watching her daughter waste away.

My weight plummeted, as did my mental well-being. Breakdowns were nothing out of the ordinary, as I felt my shoulders being crushed under the world’s weight. As loneliness threatened to devour my insides, it was not long before I felt worthless, and –alarmingly – responsible for having driven everyone away. Consequently, my health deteriorated; my vital signs had reached a critical state. That pleased me immensely; it would only be a matter of time until I would be laid six feet under to rest. I’d not have to hear their criticism or mockery ever again. Eventually, Satanic Whispers formed shocking thoughts in my mind, and that is when I first attempted the unthinkable: Suicide.

I lifted my trembling hand to my mouth, as I tossed one pill in after another. I heard my parents’ angry voices ringing in my ears all along, “Take your medicines! You NEVER listen to what you’re told!” They wanted me to take my medicines? I would. I’d take them ALL. However, having failed to take over six pills, I secured the bottle’s lid back on in defeat. Yet, the Damned Devil was not satisfied with his efforts. Something glinted in my eye as I turned around to leave the bathroom. A blade. I reached out for it without any hesitance. It was slightly rusted, but very cool – almost soothing – to touch. How long would it take for the blood to drain out if I slit my wrists? As I positioned it on my wrist whilst steadying my hand, the metal was cold against my skin, opposed to the seemingly fiery blood that pulsated with a life of its own within. I could feel my heart beating almost violently in its confinement, as if wanting to be ‘set free’.

“Let’s go, we’re getting late for Salah!” The blade slipped between my fingers, leaving telltale signs of its presence on my arm, as it clambered on the floor. My brother’s annoyed voice resounded in my head, especially his last-spoken word. Salah. What was I doing? Why had I almost surrendered to The Damned? For what price was I selling my life to the DEVIL?!

Realization hit home hard; for a few ‘cheap thrills’, I had nearly lost my chance of entering Gardens of indescribable beauty. For merely a few years, I had done what I wanted to do, following a lifestyle contradictory to Islamic beliefs. I had listened to music; befriended the ‘cool and popular’; been rebellious to my elders; I had done it all. However, I had gained literally NOTHING out of it, except severe depression and instability. I had nearly destroyed my Hereafter for the sake of this transitory world of baseless desires and temptations. It was time to answer ‘The Call’; it was the time to turn back towards Allah.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Deceiving Perceptions

2010-11-24T18:04:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

I wrote a poem last night, and it's not one on love this time. It has been a while since I wrote a poem expressing raw, negative feelings. I can't even remember when I wrote my last poem that wasn't related to love, lol. Merely delusional, but let me enjoy it for as long as I can. ;)

The 'shine' you see in my eyes
Has a lot of people confused
They are taken by surprise
Whilst reading my depressive views

A 'twinkle'; they term the unshed tear
Having fallen for the fake smile
Their minds have steered clear
From initial doubts of an endless trial

Some seriously question my sanity
Others put-off by my erratic mood-swings
People blow the hot air of 'Humanity'
Yet judge me for every tiny thing

Emotionally drained; pierced heart
I cower away; myself I isolate
Words: poisoned arrows I pull apart
Promising myself in vain..
"You'll recuperate."

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

They'll Never Know

2010-11-23T21:07:00.003+04:00

You want to know what it's like being me? I'll tell you. You wake up every morning, with the same monotonous routine. With the same ridicule. With the same pain in your heart. With the same glimmer of hope. That dies over and over again. You don't have friends because..well, you don't really know why. As a child, you were always told that friends will backstab you, and you grew up believing that notion. You grew up believing only family matters.

Here's the catch. You live with a dysfunctional family. You can't trust anyone, because they keep backstabbing each other. Yes. It's sad. Your family is the only thing you had, and now..you don't have that. You don't leave the house at all. Sometimes, for months. People talk about the weather; yours is the same. Everyday. Dry and cold.

You are told, 'make do with what you have in life. Be grateful.' You try. You fail. You try again. You try to interact with people. Soon after, you realize..as do they..you're a lifeless loser. They'll never admit it. Yes, they'll tolerate you..but for how long..? It's not long before they'll realize you're worthless.

You then vent. A lot like this one right here. People read it and wonder why anyone would even put something like this up..'A cry for attention.' No. They don't understand, and they never will. They don't know what it feels like to be a stranger in your own home. They don't know what's it's like to be confined within 4 walls. Bombed down with criticism relentlessly. Told you're good-for-nothing. They have no idea what feeling empty really feels like.

They don't know how it feels when your own family huddles up in a room, and laughs at your state. Mocks you behind your back, then comes to you and mocks you in your face. They don't know, and they never will know what it feels like.

You don't feel like doing anything in life; nothing at all..you're a mess. What's the use of cleaning around you, when you're a mess? People say, 'don't whine; be happy'. They don't know.

They don't know you've tried to swallow denial, only having to choke on it, and regurgitate reality.

No. You're in this alone, and they'll never know.

Love-Soaked Delirium

2010-11-21T14:01:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Yes, another poem (written on 19th Nov, 2010) & yeah..dedicated to My One & Only *yet once agaiin*, Bu 3awas. ♥.♥

It is truly a state of delirium, because Bu 3awas is yet a figment of my imagination since I was 16. He's a fantasy I'm holding on to, rather than holding onto nothing at all. =') Yes. Okay. Pathetic, much? Walk on, people..nothing to see here. Just a delirious lifeless female, that's all.

But she's happyyy..and that's all that matters. Bu 3awas makes her happy. ♥.♥

Remember, what's said in delirium doesn't have continuity; a 'flow'. Which is why I loved writing this soppy piece, lol. 'Nuff said. Here ya go:

The world knows I love you so
I don't mind being termed 'insane'
It doesn't matter, you..I have yet to know
Remaining without both face & name

My heart will never tire of loving you
At your mention, my lips will always form a smile
When you're missed, tears will always glisten like morning dew
On cheeks that go rosy when I think of mothering your child

Give me one reason this love should be contained
Don't shout; just silence me with a passionate kiss
Why..shrouded by secrecy..should our love remain
Isn't it natural that it follows our Eternal Promise?

Whether we meet here or in Paradise
In love with you I will forever be
I pray Allah makes you the Coolness of my Eyes
Bu 3awas, you hold my heart captive for Eternity

رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنٍ۬ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Baring It All

2010-11-18T16:22:00.010+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Sh7alkm, Dearest Readers? Awalan: 3eedkm Mbarak; thaniyan: I'm disappointed with your laziness that knows no bounds; thalithan: this isn't a poem.:P Do I hear a sigh of relief or disappointment?

What do you think this post is about? Well, there's not much left to reveal about myself, is there? This blog holds some of my darkest secrets and thoughts, and is accessible by all. Have any of you wondered, why? Why would I put my life out there for people to scrutinize? Why would I allow them to rip me apart with their criticism. After all, I've written about heartbreaks, love, Islam, etc..it seems hypocritical, doesn't it? In a post, I might be talking about how premarital relationships are unlawful, then I go and write up something on 'rebound'. Paradoxical, much?;)

I do it because I know there are people out there who go through the exact same phases in life, yet don't know who to talk to about it. They're afraid of criticism. They don't want to be judged. What is it that 2pac used to say? Only God can judge me. Yeah, I'm sorry dude..it ain't that way in reality, is it? Every other person is out to judge and attack the next. 'Survival of the Fittest', in its worst form.

Here's a newsflash - and just like all news is - its 'bad news'. Criticism is never going to stop. Critics will carry on ripping people apart with their words, and will only stop when the dust of their graves fills their mouth. Then, they will receive their fair share of criticism, because as reality has it..nothing is spared. Nope, not even the dead.

How do we deal with it? Do we live in denial and say..'I don't hear a thing', and look the opposite way? Or do we vehemently fight its provocative existence to our graves? Do we suffer and gray over the fact people are talking about us behind our backs? Or do we hide away in isolation from the rest? Whatever we choose to do, I promise you..it WILL be talked about.

Thus, we need to LIVE with it; DEAL with it; and prove the critics WRONG instead of fueling the fire they start. If you lash out, you're guilty, and if you deny it, you're ashamed..yet STILL guilty. Why not do neither, and show the world just how WRONG your critics are about you? Kill two birds with one stone: the depression/stress that comes with such criticism as well as the critics that cause it in the first place.

So, I don't care if people criticize me for who I am, because it's human nature. What matters is seeing someone smile through tears, knowing that I'm not going through this situation alone; people have been there too..and they've made it out safely.

What matters is touching the soul of ONE person out there; changing ONE person's life. That's it.

It's not about my identity, or security. If stalkers want to extract 'information', they're welcome to..provide I don't know about their stalking issues. Honestly, I have nothing to hide, because if I could hide stuff, then I would want to hide my shortcomings from ALLAH. Can I? No. Then why try to hide them from His Creation? Yes, I do know of the 7deeth that one shouldn't disclose his sins, & that Allah will keep them undisclosed on youm al Qiyamah, provided the person doesn't disclose them in his/her lifetime.

My intentions are not to boast about the mess ups I've gotten in, but to accept them as experiences I learned from, and try never to go down the same lanes again. They are also to help others that are either in similar situations, or gearing towards them. Thus, إنما الأعمال بالنيات would support my stance here. Further, I don't disclose the details that don't matter, and never will.

I've had countless girls come up to me saying, 'this is EXACTLY how I feel..but I don't have the guts to tell anyone.' What does that lead to? Psychologically, they're all going through a turmoil no one knows of, and probably never will. As a result, she will go through certain phases, which I've gone through. I can't see people make the same mistakes; it hurts way too much. No, I'm not trying to show you what a 'selfless considerate individual' I am, because we're rarely selfless.

I can tell you there's nothing selfless about this; initially, it was my therapy, and a lot of times..it still is. But I now also do it for the lovely feeling I get when I help someone sort their life out. Be the light that brightens up someone's life, and you will inevitably brighten up your own. I owe it to myself to brighten up whatever little remains of myself, and I couldn't do it without your help.

So, to all those who have benefited from these posts, this is a petty way of thanking you for unknowingly doing me the favor of brightening up my life, one for which only Allah can Reward you; Allah yjzeekm kl5ayr fd dnya wl A5irah.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Destiny's Perfection

2010-11-12T11:36:00.006+04:00

Salam 3lykm

I wrote this last night, within less than 10 minutes! Yes, I surprise myself sometimes, too.xP Dedicated to the Love of My Life, Bu 3awas.<3 Whoever he is; wherever he might be. *Rabbi y7f'6h w y5alleeh liii; Ameen! x$*

There has to be some mistake
I'm sure there's a hidden catch
A perfect couple they'd make
A 'one-in-a-million' kind of match

Is this another game Destiny plays?
Or is this their 'dream come true'?
Will they end up taking different ways?
Or will they be the envied 'inseparable-two'?

She stares up at the Heavens above
A mysterious glow on her tear-stained face
Praying earnestly for her Eternal Love
To complete her life; falling perfectly into place

Yes, Um 3awas is totally ♥.♥ over Bu 3awas, and cannot wait to meet him. x$

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Losing Grip

2010-11-09T15:47:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

Here's some much-needed therapy. There is probably a height to loserdom, and I'm right up there. It feels good to write..I only wish my blog would actually talk back to me sometimes. Crazy, eh? Yeah..that's exactly how I feel. Deranged.

I am spinning out of control
Too many things on my mind
Circumstances taking a toll
I need time to unwind

One step towards total insanity
Trying desperately hard to hold on
Two steps backwards, accepting reality
Discovering I've had it all wrong

Paranoia shackles my thoughts
Mistrust causes relationships to falter
Devilish Whispers I've constantly fought
Now tighten around my neck like a halter

Who wouldn't play my heart?
Who wouldn't toy around with words?
Who would give me a fresh start?
....Or is that a lot more than I deserve?

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Your Love (Flashback: 2007)

2010-11-01T21:45:00.002+04:00

Salam 3lykm

This is the very first poem I changed my 'writing style' with; takes me down memory lane, so I don't want to read it myself, lol. Just wanted to keep everything I've written together. It made me smile...seeing something from my 'teens', lol! I sound like a 40 year old right now. x'D

12th Jan, 2007
im back wit a new 1...thought of tha beginnin 2day aftr fajr wen i cudnt fall asleep...n wrote it wen i woke up round 1030am...u will notice...im playin around wit a new style...so if this 1 sucks..gimme a break! first tym wit this style...feeel absolutely freeee 2 comment!

It's your love that makes me glow
everything seems alright
all those tears have ceased to flow
n I can sleep through tha night

My love for you caused this heartache
the parting I couldn't bear
even though I walked around wide awake
I was never really here

I thought it would have been easy
I'd forget in a couple of days...
I've never been so wrong in my life's entirety
It was impossible to go separate ways

You have held captive both my heart & soul
so before you decide 2 walk away
remember, without u I will never be whole
in love with u I will forever stay

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barkateh

Passion's Flame

2010-10-28T21:32:00.007+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Not the first of its kind, but the first of its kind to be made public. =$

Your eyes, sweet pools of honey
Inquisitively searching my soul
Your touch has me feeling tingly
As you brush away my loose curls

No words have yet been spoken
Yet, your eyes betray your thoughts
Glances not exchanged, but stolen
You've got my stomach in knots

Jawline traced by callous fingertips
Setting my cheekbones on fire
Cupping my chin, lowering your lips
Eyes now smoldering with desire

Your lips brush gently against mine
Exploring virgin territory with your tongue
Your fragrance...intoxicatingly divine
Heightening my senses as it fills my lungs

Your hands slowly slide down to my waist
Bringing our bodies closer together
Trailing open-mouth kisses, savoring your taste
Resisting your attempts to make me surrender

Driven by lust and breathlessly aroused
Hard masculinity pressed against soft womanly curves
The ignited flame of passion never doused
'Til moments of marital intimacy..merely 'Preserved'.

For this one, comments are prohibited!x$ No matter how 'irresistible' the anonymous comments feature seems..resist the urge!

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Broken Glass

2010-10-13T16:26:00.007+04:00

Salam 3lykm

New poem - written now in an attempt to calm myself down...

As I remove shards of glass, smashed in despair
I feel like hurting you in every possible way
The only time we're at peace is when you're not here
The mere thought of your arrival brings us dismay

As I see you working effortlessly on breaking her down
Spitting hurtful words out, as hatred burns in your eyes
In her thoughts of helplessness she will let herself drown
While you shut off everything, close her out of her room..
Satisfied.

I don't wonder why specks of crimson appear on the glass
Just like I don't wonder what could have you so wired
I know for a fact you weren't any better in the past
Intimidated by all, hated by most..but never..
Admired.

For every second she felt powerless against your cruelty
For every second she contemplated causing herself harm
For times you humiliated anyone of us - mocked us publicly
Regardless of where your family goes, people are left awestruck -
Charmed.

وَإِذۡ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمۡ لَٮِٕن شَڪَرۡتُمۡ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمۡ‌ۖ وَلَٮِٕن ڪَفَرۡتُمۡ إِنَّ عَذَابِى لَشَدِيدٌ۬

Al7mdlla it worked - اللهم لك الحمد كمــا ينبغــي لجلال وجهك وعظيم سلطــانك

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Vote 'Bleez' ;P

2010-10-12T15:42:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm

First, I would like to thank all the sweethearts that voted on 'The Makeover' poll; really glad that you all like it!=D Now, I have another decision to make, and I'm leaving it solely to you guys. I was going through the blog, and noticed I have quite a few posts dedicated to my currently-unknown, M.I.A, significant other..AKA My Better Half => Bu 3eesa AKA Bu 3awas.<3

The question is: should I make a separate label, 'Bu 3awas'?

The poll awaits your attention, Laydeez &..(if any:P) Gentlemen!=D

Mashkoooooooreeeeeeen, ma ga99rtow <= I lies. Still mad at y'all for the lack of feedback. xP Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh =D

Bitter Love

2010-10-11T18:07:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Another poem I just wrote now; I'll keep the 'senseless jabber' to a minimum. Here you go; it's titled, 'Bitter Love'. It's about a girl who's seen everything there is to see about 'love', been hurt badly, and can only see it as something that will cause her more pain. Sound familiar?;)

I don't believe a word you say
Even though it's just a start
I know you'll walk out some day
Leaving me to nurse a broken heart

Your sweet-talk's sounding familiar
Discrediting you for lacking originality
You called my 'admirer' a failure
It looks like you're blind to reality

Right now you throw around promises
'Someday' I'll be the 'mother of your child'
I don't need to do an 'in-depth analysis'
To know all you want to do is 'get wild'

Don't play the 'marriage card', brother
It's the 'oldest trick in the book'
It doesn't take you long to find another
And let the first one 'off-the-hook'

I might have bitten into the bait once before
But I'm not foolish enough to do it again
So, all your sweet-talk I will choose to ignore
A reminder of my heartache and pain

Comments? You know what to do. I know you won't do it. :P

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Rebound

2010-10-09T16:38:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm

I'm back..with a new poem!;) I wrote it on the 3rd of October, but it's 'revealing'..like most of my posts usually are. :P I won't say, 'I haven't been down this lane', because I have. I've been down this lane, and I've suffered, yet..'what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger', right?;) And yeah, let's just say...if I hadn't gone to the 'dark' side, I wouldn't have been the person I am today. And I mean that in a positive way. =.= ;P

It's very simple; no 'wow' factor here...but I liked it. For personal reasons I shan't disclose. :P I leave you with 'Rebound'..and this time, I'll let you Smarties figure out the connection between the title and the poem. *Easy one!;P*

I was trying to get away
Looking for a fresh start
It hadn't even been a day
You'd taken over my heart

It wasn't meant to happen
It had only been a little while
I could see a familiar pattern
But I was clearly in denial

Feeling so confused
'Should I walk away or not?
Should I foresee being abused?
Or should I give it all I've got?'

This road has a dead-end
Good things never last
I'm trying not to comprehend
I'm trying to let go of my past

It's so wrong, yet so right
I can't control how I feel
"Out of mind, out of sight"
Would've made the scenario ideal

I'm willing to take a chance again
I'm willing to be left heart-broken
I'm willing to tolerate all that pain
...And you're the one I've chosen

I know what you guys are thinkin'..NO. Stop thinking. x'D I'm not willing to do any of the following. I'm madly in love with a figment of my imagination, ever since I was 16.
Bu 3awas.<3

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh ;)

Happiness - The Beginning

2010-10-07T20:15:00.009+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Here's a happy post - it's a dedication..to promise myself a better life, and a fresh start. This post is dedicated to all those who have helped instill hope and happiness back into my lives - Rabbi ys3dkm dnya w a5irah, w yjzeekm Jannatl Firdous el23la; Ameen.

This is not in any specific order; you're all equally special!xD On this blog, though..this post goes out to 'Anonymous' - how's this for the first post out of the '100' that will fill up 'Cloud9' Inshalla?;P

From the Lovely Tweeps that have brightened up my timeline with their inspirational tweets..and life, and will Inshalla continue to do so: Kojak_DxB, 3oshaa, FearlessinDubai, MyHeartTweets, madeinuae1, JihanB, hamna_, BooMayed, and all of my followers..xD *I just remembered, I need to spare my fingers today; tomorrow, the #ff's will all be personalized, Inshalla. ;D*

The one VERY special person that deserves a shout-out..stood by me when things went from good, to bad, to ugly, to WORSE...all these years: 'Big Moe' AKA 'Justice'.

This is one helluva special group comin' up ;') ..'Banaat 3zeez Ur R7maan, & all my teachers who passed down a part of Meerath el Anbiya2 to me.. I'm forever indebted to them. And my 'classmates' of course!

And most importantly, cuz 'Blood is thicker than water'...MOMMIE, the best brother anyone could ever have..Ebz...& the best 'big sister' in the whole wide world...Sidzo. <3

It's all you lovelies in my life that have made my life worthwhile. Rabbi yjma3na f Jannatl Firdous; Ameen!<3

For those people whose names I've forgotten to mention, I love you too! I've just got the memory of a goldfish. =(

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh <3

*Edited* The BIGGEST proof I've got the memory of a goldfish: I got TWO tweeps' nicks WRONG!x'D Sorry @3oshaa & @Kojak_DxB!(a)

Reminiscent 'Adult'

2010-10-01T14:37:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm

I was thinking about the fun I used to have as a kid; ended up writing something very small. It's nothing really..just hating growing old. =( Soon, I'll be 22. *sobs*

Anyway, here you go:

I want to roller-blade and cycle again
Fall down on gravel and bust my knees
Sit on the ground, laugh and wince in pain
Get back up shakily on my feet...
...I want to be a kid again. ='(

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Goodbye Trust

2010-09-30T14:47:00.005+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Who's the sweet reader who liked the last post? You put a smile on my face, lol! Thanx walla, shows I still have the ability to write 'okayishly'. This post will probably HORRIBLY prove me wrong, bs yalla..it's the thought that counts!xP Love you, 'Liker'!<3;d

OK, that was just random..I'm really HIGH right now! I anticipate a depression-FREE weekend, and I'm going to make sure it ROCKS Inshalla! I owe it to myself, and the poor people that have to tolerate my nonsense!

I'm abandoning technology. Sure, I abuse it, but in return, it totally screws me over. If anything, as long as I didn't know what the Internet was..I was a happy-go-lucky kid, wreaking of naivety and innocence. Now, I've become this paranoid, edgy individual who analyzes every word that comes out of others' mouths. 7sn e'6ann came easy, almost naturally..before. Now..I gotta remind myself..إن بعض الظن إثم..nearly all the time. If anyone says something nice or praises me, I think, what's your 'hidden agenda'? Seriously. Not good.

I can't imagine anyone liking me for ME. What's there in me to like, anyway?=S I've always had this, 'I-don't want-to-impose-myself-on-you' sort'a attitude. So, if someone comes up to me, I always think, as long as you want something done, you remember I'm alive. It's bad, I know..bs that's how it's always been. The only time someone would remember I exist, is when they'd want something from me. Otherwise, ehh..who's [insert Um 3eesa's name]?

So, forgive me *I really, truly, profusely apologize from the very depths of my scarred heart!* if you've genuinely tried to be nice to me and I've seemed like a total weirdo, but thanks to all the cheaters/backstabbers and betrayals I've faced, I've decided to 'step up the security'. Yep. I'm trusting NOBODY now. Literally nobody. People I considered really close to me, ALSO betrayed me. And now...goodbye Trust. I can't even trust anyone if they're religious now, because that image has been tainted by a scarring experience.

Note: My inability to trust anyone cuz of these lovely people who've left painful memories in my life does NOT mean that I hold a grudge against them. Thanks to them, I have learned things I wouldn't have EVER learned without their help. They literally helped me face different 'challenges' in life..so no regrets, Al7mdlla.

I just cannot trust ANYBODY blindly anymore.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Finished.

2010-09-28T20:04:00.000+04:00

Salam 3lykm

An update; only because I'm extremely bored right now!:P Life's good after 7AM, it peaks at 1130AM, coming back down sharply at 315PM. Then it goes downhill from there, sometimes a VERY sharp decline, peaking at whatever time WIFI goes out :P, then climbs back up slowly again, depending on what happens much later at night. *No wandering thoughts, Readers!xD*

I'm teaching now..and it's wonderful. =) That's the highlight of my life at this point, no knight in shining armor.:P Trip to Pakistan was canceled, and was supposed to go to G6r instead, but since the only 'freedom' we get is when Dad goes on his weekend trips, I backed out.xD I doubt we're moving out of here, because for that...you need to work together as a family...and that's..just not happening..completely dysfunctional..Allah al Musta3aan.

That's about it. Writing is now depressive, because when I write..that's all I can write about. Or Bu 3eesa. But that's even more depressive. For all I know, I could be dying single. So, I'm going to go and do something that really brings a smile to my face: coloring. No, I'm not confused about my age. It really is very relaxing; I love coloring roses. Obsessed about roses, and no..not because they signify love. =.=

I hate stereotyping and generalization. But wait, life's too short to hate, innit? So let me just obsess over roses for now. Yeah, I like 'em crimson, too. If 'love' wandered back into your mind, you need help. Seriously. And I thought I was blinded.

Okay, I'm done here. Oh, muchas gracias to the people who actually bother using the 'Reactions' feature; you guys rock!;* The rest of you..you need to a learn a thing or two from these guys..honestly..how lazy can y'all get?=.= ;P

Nah, joking. Love ya all. Even if you continue to read silently. And get on my nerves because of that. It clearly looks like I've lost my 'touch', innit? Such a bland post, ugh.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

PS. My mood's too messed up to color. Ed3ooli please.

'Played Out'

2010-09-18T14:06:00.007+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Been through some rough days, as you can probably tell from my previous post, but after a long, tear-wrenching talk with my bro, *Fdaiteh walla..Rabbi y7f'6h..the glue of the family, and who primarily helps in keeping us all sane!* he made me realize that I can control my own happiness, by controlling my mind..and the crazy thoughts that usually rule it. So, maybe that will help for the time-being. Anyway, after all that drama at home ceased for a bit, I got thinking...

If you've ever broken someone's heart, realize that someday..someone will eventually break yours. What goes around, certainly DOES come around. If it was in the past, and you've gotten your act all 'cleaned' up, it's no excuse to not sincerely apologize for the heartache you caused someone else. I'm not saying, go hook up and act like a punk all over again; what I'm saying is..showing the person you're genuinely sorry for the pain they endured could allow them to live their life again.

You might think I'm BSing right now; people eventually move on in life, right? Why would anyone lose precious time moping around over someone who broke their heart? If you've ever been heartbroken, you'd know that 'til your doubts are cleared, you keep wondering 'what if'. Especially..at times when you feel low. I guess it's a way for Shay6an to break you even further, provided you've repented sincerely for all you've done; all these random thoughts of how people hurt you in different ways tend to come up, sometimes..leaving you feeling absolutely worthless.

OR..scenario #2 is that person goes on their own 'heartbreaking spree' intentionally or unintentionally, just to get the pain out of their system. I don't know HOW that works, but I KNOW for a fact that it's unfortunately true..and that 'What goes around comes around' isn't just a pretty little line that people use to sound all philosophical. It's the bitter truth.

I know it because..well, I've been there. I know what it's like to allow thoughts of different ways to commit suicide to empower your mind for a while. Al7mdlla, I'm still alive. When the ride gets tough, a very special person keeps telling me, "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger"...and I used to think it was BS before, but now I know it's as close to the truth as one can possibly get.

I also know what it's like to be a heartbreaker; you revel in your 'moment of glory' for a short period, then it all goes downhill from there. Not only that, but it's like a chain reaction..an ugly one. Don't be the one to continue it, let alone set it off.

Don't be the reason for a person to endure pain; you're a MUSLIM..and Muslims can't be 'Playaz'. It's not 'cool', dear brothers and sisters..to toy around with the emotions of someone else, just so you can satisfy your desires. Don't carry the burden of being the reason for someone to contemplate 7aram, because if someone ends their life in despair over you, it's nothing to be proud about. You know you'll face punishment either in this world, the Hereafter, or maybe even both.

Don't be brainwashed by the whole 'playa' image; I'm sure you wouldn't like it if someone played your family member(s) around, and messed them up. Remember, treat others the way you'd want to be treated. Saying you're a Muslim, then acting contrary to the teachings of Islam makes you a HYPOCRITE. You know what the Qur'an says abt em, right?

إِنَّ ٱلۡمُنَـٰفِقِينَ فِى ٱلدَّرۡكِ ٱلۡأَسۡفَلِ مِنَ ٱلنَّارِ وَلَن تَجِدَ لَهُمۡ نَصِيرًا

Verily, the hypocrites will be in the lowest depths of the Fire: no helper will you find for them.

I'm sure you wouldn't want to be there.

It is up to us to protect our family members from heart-breakers. If you truly are proud to be a Muslim, don't hurt your brother or sister in Islam at the expense of fulfilling your desires. That's selfish, disgusting, and it certainly doesn't depict the true picture of Islam.

It is up to the Muslim youth to paint the TRUE picture of Islam; we need to destroy the fear-instilling image of 'terrorists' that the media has successfully fed to people's minds. If we're going to go around representin' 'Playaz', we're not going to get ANYWHERE. Now, are you in for some GOOD change, or would you rather play manipulating mind games with someone, just to get some 'action'?

Feel free to spread this post..I'm not too sure if it'll be of any use spreadin' the rest! Might end up making someone suicidal if you share the previous ones!x'D

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

F***ing Tired

2010-09-16T17:27:00.004+04:00

What the hell am I expected to do? I've tried..Wallah el3'6eem I've tried to turn all happy-go-f***ing-lucky, but there's a limit to everything. I've tried to swallow my 'anger'; tolerate the BS that's being thrown my way every f***ing day. I've tried to be this cheerful TWIT who takes life one day at a time. I'm f***ing tired of trying.

I can't sit with my PC the way I f***ing want to. I can't keep my room the way I want to. I can't go out. I'm expected to live like a f***ing hermit, and do what he wants like a robot with no f***ing brains. I've tried to live with his ridiculous 'WIFI goes off when I sleep' rule; I've stomached his BS for too long.

The way he keeps turning down proposals for no f***ing reason..I'm never going to get out. Suicide is an option I have to rule out, because it's not permissible. I don't want to work because this is supposed to be a f***ing break for me, but no...ruin my life to the MAX, why don't you?

He wanted a GPA which was above 3.5, I gave him a 4.0 - what the hell did it give me? NOTHING. He hasn't even BOTHERED to pick up the f***ing degree, yet. What did I slave around for? NO-F***IN'-THING. I've become socially inept thanks to the whole 'no friends' deal..again, all thanks to him. I don't even have any f***ing choice, and when I'm given one, I don't know what to do because he's controlled every walk of our lives.

I can't sleep 'til after Fajr; at least I pray my Fajr on time..but does he see that? NO. He sees that I wake up at 1PM which nearly every freakin' teenager does in this world, but he doesn't see that, oh no. He doesn't see that girls my age pack into SUVs and head to the malls for hang outs, and burn holes in their Daddies wallets..no no. He sees NONE of that.

He only sees me attached to my phone/PC all day, and now he doesn't like it. So its gotta stop. F*** what he sees and what he sees. If he'd given me my life, and not placed the retarded restrictions, I would've turned out to be a NORMAL person. If he'd not mentally f***ed us all up in the head, I wouldn't have been this antisocial HERMIT I am right now.

God knows I've tried to change...but it's so f***ing hard to hold myself together when everything around me is the f***ing same. Every now and again, I get the urge to add to my failed attempts at my life. At least that keeps me busy, right? At least, I then have something else to do then stay at my phone/PC, which btw..means nothing.

I wish I could say I had a 'Net Life' at least but nope. That's how f***ing great my social life is. Socially D-E-A-D. Literally. It takes for you to be a 'bad girl' to get the attention, and I'm not going down that low lane ever again. It takes for you to trash your morale; even then, you're nothing but a loser. You pile all those sins on your head, and on youm el Qiyamah, everyone will just walk away. You face the torment ALONE.

I'm turning 22, dammit..treat me like an adult. I'm NOTHING in this house; I'm put down FLAT-OUT in front of my 6 yr old sister. I'm mocked relentlessly, and if I speak out against it, I'm silenced. If I'm such a f***ing low-life, then why am I even alive? I do realize that the world will now get to know what a low-life I am once this is up..but you know what? I'm tired of frontin'.

This is ME. Take this and blow it up, announce it to the world that I am..in reality...at the lowest of the low, and the 'happy' front is nothing but BS. I don't care anymore. My own family doesn't consider me as anything, why the hell should I expect any better from strangers?

If I sound like just another ungrateful girl out there, live one day of my life and you'll know never to judge me. Money doesn't buy you happiness. It's suffocating. Sure, I could be wearing the most expensive shit out there, but then being told that again and again just tells me I'm cheaper than what I wear. Things were made for me, not VICE VERSA.

The price of all this fancy shit is being told over and over again...how expensive it is, and how I don't deserve it. Yes. That's what money does to you. It makes you heartless. It enslaves you, and it steals away your happiness and content. I'm threatened every f***ing day; "I'll take this off you, or that off you." Go f***ing take it already; please don't mentally abuse me everyday..it's endless.

I have nothing in this world, and I have nobody. I f***ing qualify for 'The Biggest Loser in the Universe' Award people. Whoever has it, pass it up..it's MINE.

Busy Busy Busy!

2010-09-15T16:35:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm

I'm back from 3mrah, w lillah el7md! It was fantabulous - details later!;P The good news is we might be moving; the bad news is..we might be traveling..YES. Again! xD I don't know how moving AND traveling work together, though. =S

Don't have much time to update this blog, really..but if you're interested in what I'm up to in life, feel free to stalk me. *look left, yes..Twitter. :P* Good news for you creepy stalkers who don't want to leave a trace, eh?;)

I promise to get down to writing something that will devour your boredom...~~SOON.~~ as soon as I get the time.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

My 2nd Home: KSA

2010-09-02T11:46:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm

No, I'm not getting married and moving off to KSA. :P Home is where the heart is, and so..KSA is my 2nd home.<3 Anyway, we're about to leave in a few minutes, Inshalla - going for 3mrah + 3eed!=D Will stop over f G6r for a few days, and be back f Bu '6abi by Sept 15, Inshalla.

Please remember this sister in your prayers - تقبل‏ ‏الله‏ ‏منا‏ ‏و‏ ‏منكم‏‏ ‏صيامنا‏ ‏و‏ ‏قيامنا‏ ‏و‏ ‏صالح‏ ‏الأعمال؛‏ ‏اللهم‏ ‏آمين‏!‏

Oh, and Mbarkn 3eedkm f advance..kl 3aam wntow b5ayr!=D

Please forgive me for anything I've said or done, and pray for our safe return...minus any freaky near-accidents/accidents!

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

'Rosy' Thoughts

2010-08-29T02:24:00.008+04:00

She plucks a rose, gently caressing it with her fingertips. As she closes her eyes, she inhales the sweet-smelling fragrance, letting her fingers linger on the thorns.

These are all the obstacles that lie between you and I.

She smiles, blissfully oblivious of the crimson droplet that glistens on her finger.

Wounds matter not, for your touch is all they need to heal.

She caresses its sepals, as the intoxicating fragrance fills her lungs.

Take me in your protective embrace and hold me close, allowing your perfume to tantalize my senses.

Her thoughts lead her far away, as the velvety petals brush softly against her cheek.

How many steps would it take to bridge the agonizing gap between us?

*Dedicated to Bu 3eesa..whoever he is, and wherever he may be. <3*

Broken Promises

2010-08-22T12:32:00.002+04:00

Salam 3lykm

I wrote this poem today morning, while thinking about my life and my past. I don't claim I'm any angel, and may Allah Forgive me for all that I have done and said to others. Everyday I go through incidents that reinforce the fact that there is no one worthy of Worship other than Allah, and that Muhammad 9alallahu 3lyhi w Sallem is His Messenger.

Mind you, I wrote it when I woke up, so it's not that great xD very simple, yet it's exactly what was going through my mind as I sat with my Mom and Grannie...lost in thought..

Broken Promises

How many empty promises are broken each day, in the name of 'love'? How many names become history within the blink of an eye? We claim to love Allah, yet Him we do disobey, and when our so-called 'love' hurts, towards Him we look for support and cry.

Does He push us away like we did, or does He close the door to His Mercy on our faces? Despite having turned a deaf ear to what He's Commanded, His Provisions are more than enough to maintain our social status.

Do we then bow down before Him in Eternal Gratitude? Do we then pay heed to what He has said? Unfortunately...if we were judged according to our attitudes, to HELL our current lifestyles would have led.

رَبَّنَا ظَلَمۡنَآ أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمۡ تَغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَتَرۡحَمۡنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ ٱلۡخَـٰسِرِينَ

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

..Not Again?!

2010-08-17T17:32:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Sadly, YEP..I'm OFF once again..this time..to Karachi! This time, it is solely for Mom's sake; she hasn't seen her mother for over a year now, and this was the only way to do it, unfortunately..intervene. So, the one who's deathly terrified of creepy crawlies and other flying buggers...is 'willingly' going to Pakistan, w Alllllaaaahhhhh y3eeeeen!xD

I'll be back in AD within 6 days Inshalla, and please pray everything goes well hnak. Cholera is rampant, and so is 'The Superbug', some AB-resistant disease...apparently no one in Pakistan has heard about it, yet I saw reports on BBC while in Makkah, that it's an epidemic that started there. =.= Not the ideal situation to travel in, but oh well..death is written, innit?:P

One more thing -blog-related, of course :P - 'The Makeover' is complete!xD Chayfooni fa'9ya?!=.= I don't have time to sit and make this blog look any prettier than it already is. xD It's too girlie for my taste, but I thought it would be a nice change from the 'emo' look - whadya say?:P

As you can probably see..for those 'observant' readers out there :P..I removed the chat box, since there's obviously no need for it. Most of y'all are firm believers of silent reading, and rarely does someone leave a message there, so I thought it would reduce the 'clutter'...got rid of it!:P So, if anyone wants to leave a message, get those fingers a-workin' and use the 'comments' from time to time..and I'd bet you $1,000,000 that wouldn't ever happen, if:

a) Betting wasn't 7aram!
b) I had that kinda money lyin' around :P

You would have noticed I'm blogging a lot more now; what else do I have to do in life?xD I'm through with studies!(H) I will start teaching though, once the academic year begins Inshalla.. ^_^ may Allah accept my petty efforts in spreading His Word; Ameen.

I will try to finish off the notes for the 'Ailments of the Heart' lecture series during my trip, Inshalla..so that I have something ready - for those of you who are following up with it - when I get back. Inshalla, I also plan to translate the episodes of كيف تتلذذ بالصلاه؟ for the non-Arab readers...so, there's a lot to expect in the coming days/months. ;D

Yalla ya jama3tl 5ayr, please remember me in your prayers, and forgive all that I've said or done..intentionally or unintentionally. In my sight, I don't see anyone as an enemy Al7mdulillah, but that doesn't mean you try to provoke me...Um 3eesa's wrath is worse than a shower of molten steel. =.= xD

OK, I'd better get back to packing, or else I'll be a zombie when it's time to leave tomorrow!;P

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Undergoing 'The Makeover'

2010-08-16T01:21:00.010+04:00

Salam 3lykm

The poll showed a good six people voted for the makeover, so I've already begun the process..but there's still a long way to go! So, please excuse the funny font sizes, the unsymmetrical sidebars *yes, they are getting on my nerves!!*..and all other irregularities. Consider my blog as a construction site for now, if you will.:P

The blogger, AKA ME :P is also undergoing a life makeover right now, so please bear with all future delays - Jzakm Allah 5ayr!

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

PS. I would greatly appreciate comments/criticism; I already have one 'SUCKS'..damn, I'm dealin' with some judgmental readers around here, eh?xD You can post anonymously, guys..so please take advantage of that fact!:P Otherwise, I'm just going to 'pretty' it up, and you're going to have to deal with it. :P

A Near Escape!

2010-08-15T16:28:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Al7mdlla we arrived home around 12AM; nearly escaped a massive accident 150km away from AD..in Mirfa3, w lillaah el7md..you know when they say your whole life flashes before your eyes? That's true..

There was a trailer in front of us for quite a while; Sb7analla we'd just started off again, so Dad was driving at about 80-100 kmh, so Al7mdlla it was relatively easy to bring the Ol' Faithful to a halt. What happened is that all of a sudden on of the tires of that trailer burst, and it swung across the width of the road, so Dad hit the brakes and swerved off-road. That road is PITCH DARK mind you, except the cars' headlights..so other cars that were coming from behind were obviously driving at 100+ kmh...there was a lot of screeching of brakes, est'3firullaahhh..it wasn't something I would ever want to dream about, let alone experience again!>.<

I had just opened a packet of popcorn to munch on, but I forgot all about food when this incident took place. May Allah Protect us all; the couple's accident was still fresh in my mind, and the whole way, I made sure I stayed awake so Dad wouldn't fall asleep. I read Enjoy Your Life, by Shay5 M7amad Al 3rifi - It's a wonderful book by the way, a highly-recommended read - bs lil2asaf eshadeed, I doubt it had any effect..yalla..Al7mdlla 3a kil 7aal..

Anyway, back home..safe and sound..in one piece, w lillaah el7md. =) A belated Rama'9an Mbarak to you all; Al7mdlla, e3tmerna once again on 1st of Rama'9an...a LOT of rush, but TOTALLY worth it. <3 May Allah take us back and bring us back safely again after 3eed, Inshalla..Ameen...and may Allah give all you Readers the chance to experience 3eed fl 7rmain esh Shareefain, Inshalla..=)

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

The Quest

2010-08-04T11:10:00.009+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Sh7alkm? Drove to Madinah day before yesterday Al7mdlla, and currently staying at the couple's house I wrote about earlier. Sb7analla..a woman's touch is truly what turns a 'house' into a 'home'. A lot of work is needed, and Inshalla - with your prayers - we'll be able to do as much as we can while we're here.

My 'poetry block' came to an end day before yesterday as well, lol. After coming back from Al 7aram in the morning, I sat down and completed an unfinished poem I started writing months ago.

Since I've finished my studies wl7mdlla, the next obvious chapter that's about to begin is 'marriage'. So, amidst all the talks...I wrote a poem to 'mark' the 'beginning', lol.

It may sound far-fetched, but these are truly the main qualities I look for in a life partner. I'm not concerned with his educational background, nor the figures of his bank account; Allah er-Razig - the amount a person is supposed to get has already been decided when life is breathed into him or her as a fetus.

Sb7analla, I received 5 job offers which were all at administrative positions..but because I don't ever intend to work UNLESS absolutely necessary..they were of no use to me. Yet, there SO many graduates out there, still hunting tirelessly for a job; What good have their degrees brought them? Sb7analla, I know of a person who didn't study beyond GRADE 3; today, that guy drives around in a LEXUS and deals with the Shyoo5. Mashalla, Allah has blessed him with so much that he wouldn't have to think twice before walking into a car showroom and rolling out two brand-new, luxurious rides, FULLY paid for, in CASH.‏إن الله‏ ‏يرزق‏ ‏من‏ ‏يشاء‏ ‏بغير‏ ‏حساب

Neither am I interested in whether he's tall, short, fat, scrawny, etc...but if he doesn't keep a fist-length beard, then he's come knocking at the wrong door.It may sound extreme to some, and others say, 'what's in a beard? Taqwa has nothing to do with what the guy looks like!'

If he is 'too embarrassed' to adopt the style of Rasulullah صلى‏ ‏الله‏ ‏عليه‏ ‏و‏ ‏سلم‏ ‏, then I'm 'too embarrassed' to walk by his side. I've not known any other 'styles' for MEN; al7mdlla, my brothers and father have always let their beards grow long, and my brothers perfect the look by letting their hair grow long, too.

Even when these senseless illustrationists attempt to draw Muslims, they always draw a beard; why then are the brothers SHUNNING their IDENTITY? Have you ever seen a Sikh without a turban, sporting a clean-shaved face and a crewcut..or even a mohawk? Why on earth do Muslim brothers copy such retarded fads, when even Mushrikeen wouldn't?

Anyway, I could carry on FOREVER on such controversial topics, but THIS post is supposed to be about my poem! Here's to praying that my future husband is someone who will truly help me 9;complete' my Iman and Deen, Inshalla..may Allah Bless all the unmarried Readers with Righteous spouses, who will be a source of Eternal Bliss for them in the A5irah; Ameen!

The Quest

I seek not a temporary love that will gradually fade away; I seek that which will bring contentment to my heart and soul, and strengthen day after day.

I seek not superfluous words that toy with the mind and heart; I seek the simple ones of those who will continue making a difference long after he departs.

I seek not the company of one who prefers to pray the 5 prayers in the comfort of his home; I seek the company of he who would rather search the city for someone to pray with, than standing in prayer on his own.

I seek not someone who has been blinded by the wealth that he has been endowed with; I seek the one who spends openly in the way of Allah, leaving Angels in doubt of how much he gives.

I seek not the coward who will take refuge in his home, when war has been declared; I seek the Lion of Allah from whom not one disbelieving life will be spared.

I seek not one whose frown is more renowned than his smile; I seek he whose alluring presence is felt from well over a mile.

I seek not a companion to share the temporary joys of this transit world; I seek a soulmate with whom I will enjoy in Everlasting Gardens of descriptions foretold.

If what I seek is an impossible quest, far from reality; I will persevere tirelessly to fulfill this so-called 'fantasy'.

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Travel Break

2010-07-28T14:55:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Journey to KSA starts tomorrow morning; going by road Inshalla, as usual. Will be spending two blessed, soul-rejuvenating weeks in Makkah & Madinah, Inshalla. Remember this Slave of Allah in your prayers, please. Please forgive all that was said and done; Jazakm Allah 5ayr.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

كيف تتلذذ بالصلاه؟

2010-07-26T15:15:00.006+04:00

Salam 3lykm

This is an AMAZING program I came across yesterday; you need to give it your 100% in order to understand the depth of what he is saying though. Unfortunately, for those readers who do not understand Arabic..there are no English subtitles. However, I'll be willing to translate it if anyone wants me to; it is all about prayers and how to enjoy the 'sweetness' of such an esteemed form of worship.

We have been praying ever since childhood, yet how many of us really get lost while we stand before Allah? How many of us pray just because its obligatory; a mere series of actions and words? How many of us get so engrossed in our prayers that we become totally oblivious to the world around us?

Learn how to taste and enjoy the sweetness of your prayers, بفضل الله :

And to all the people who came up with the idea of such a program - especially the presenter - but most important of all, the person who has uploaded all these episodes:

جزاهم الله كل خير في الدنيا و الآخره

May Allah accept their efforts, and make this [a source of] صدقة جارية for them after they pass on; Ameen.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Muhammad Ibn Abdullah صلى الله عليه و سلم

2010-07-24T17:43:00.005+04:00

Salam 3lykm

I was going through my essays written last semester, and I found one which I wanted to share, especially with all the non-Muslims out there. The media has created a major misconception in the minds of everyone, especially those who know very little about Islam. They have painted Islam as a blood-thirsty, merciless religion, and Muslims as aggressive, violent barbarians. It is for that very reason that I would like to share this essay, to dispel all misconceptions that the media has succeeded to instill in people's hearts and minds.

The original question had three or four topics, one of which was to write about a great act of devotion. It was written in class, 'under pressure', and I'm not the kind to write 'on demand', lol..so please excuse and forgive my shortcomings. =$

Nations worldwide have sung songs of praise in their native languages, all of which still fail to do justice to this noble Prophet, sent for the guidance of all Mankind. Countless people have written poems, but their pens have failed to elaborate on the greatness of this humble Servant of Allah. Muhammad Ibn Abdullah - not a single page would be left free of his attributes, yet they would remain undefined. A man of such magnificent character, that his wife, Aisha - May Allah be pleased with her - is reported to have said: "His morals are the Holy Quran."

Orphaned at birth, and a mere shepherd in his youth, Muhammad - May the Peace & Blessings of Allah be upon him - had no share in the wealth of his family, despite the fact that the tribe he belonged to, was one of the wealthiest and most influential Arabian tribes at the time. It was only after marrying a woman of great status in society, and reviving her dwindling business, did wealth come in his hands. Khadeejah Bint Khuwaylid - May Allah be pleased with her - was the only woman who bore him children, and she was the only one who supported him when he was in dire need.

As the burden of Prophethood was laid down on his withstanding shoulders, those that had once sung sweet praises in his face, began to leave his side. One by one, they all turned against him, in hope that he would stop propagating his True Cause. However, even that left him undeterred. His devotion to his Lord was to the extent that he was content with what had been decreed for him. He did not turn back to Pagan idol worship, in spite of the endless, hurtful mockery he was dealt at their hands; instead, he restlessly propagated the True Word worldwide, sending delegations to places that were far away from where he resided.

He fought against only those infidels who threatened to eradicate Muslims from the world; however, it is still unfairly said that, 'Islam was spread by the Sword'...

What sword was it that earned the great devotion of brave warriors like Umar Bin Al-Khattab and Khalid Bin Al-Waleed - may Allah be pleased with them? Both once staunch enemies of Islam, they craved to shed EVERY SINGLE DROP of blood in the cause of Allah upon embracing Islam, solely to raise the Banner of the Testimony of Faith high in the skies.

What sword was it that forced the likes of Bilal - May Allah be pleased with him - to endure the cruel torture at the hands of the infidels? What sword lured boys at the tender ages of thirteen years and younger - the likes of Abdullah Ibn Abbas & Ibn Mas'ood (may Allah be pleased with them both) and Imam Bukhari & Muslim (may Allah have Mercy on them) - to become great scholars in Islam? Which sword was it that compelled boys at ages as young as fifteen and sixteen, to kill the greatest enemy of Islam, and the cruel uncle of the Beloved, Muhammad - may the Peace & Blessings of Allah be upon him: Abu Jahl?

It might have been a sword, but definitely not the one that you and I commonly know of. It was the double-edged sword; it was the Words of Truth that flowed eloquently from the Blessed tongue of Muhammad Ibn Abdullah - May the Peace & Blessings of Allah be upon him - which moved hearts of stone, and sprung forth tears from once-dry eyes.

It was his utmost devotion and love for his Lord, the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth...it was acts of courage, the likes of which were displayed when his own people drove him out of Taif, heels bloodied and body wounded by the heartless, malicious people whose fate had been sealed...it was his alluring character that set an example for all those to come until the Last Day. Such devotion he had, that he refused to curse the people, in hope that a few may pay heed to the Words of Truth.

It is this intense sense of devotion to his cause that had him repeating, "My Nation, My Nation!", even as he endured the hardship of the throes of death. Can there ever be any other acts of devotion or courage greater than those exhibited during the lifetime of this Noble Man of Quraysh?

إنا لله و إنا إليه راجعون

2010-07-23T11:03:00.005+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Last night, a person very dear to my heart passed away in an accident near Madinah. She was returning back after 3mrah, when the person at the wheel was overcome by sleep. Death was written for her, and as the car flipped over, she sustained fatal injuries to her head, and died on the spot.

إنا لله و إنا إليه راجعون - ربي يجعل قبرها روضة من رياض الجنة و يسكنها في جنة الفردوس الأعلى-آمين

Her husband's bones have been totally smashed, and is currently undergoing extensive operations in Madinah. The daughter walked out unscathed, Sb7analla..

She was like the older sister I never had; the couple stayed with us for a month, and addressed my parents as their own..I remember teaching her a du3aa2 which really got accepted in her case, Sb7analla..

اللهم ارزقني شهادة في سبيلك و موتا في بلد حبيبك

It was her dream -as it is everyone else's - to be buried in Al-Baqee3, with all the other 9a7aba and 9a7abiyat..near Masjid An-Nabwi, and Sb7analla..it has turned into a reality..

Nevertheless, I request you all to pray for her, her husband, and her daughter..who doesn't know what became of her mother, as yet..confined to a wheelchair since infancy, this young girl's mother was her life. I cannot imagine what is going to happen now..and I request you all to please remember her in your prayers.

Jzakm Allah 5ayr Fdnya wl A5irah

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

حقوق العباد - An Apology

2010-07-20T12:00:00.007+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Hoping all Readers are in the best of health and spirits, Inshalla. This is something I should have written before starting the 'Ailments of the Heart' lecture series, and I had intended to do so, but with all the formatting hassle, I just forgot all about it!

This is an apology to all those whom I have wronged and hurt intentionally and unintentionally: Please forgive me for all that I said and did. I do not have enough good deeds myself, so if people were to come and take them from me on Youm Al Qiyamah for the rights I stripped them of, I would be left with nothing at all..and I already have great sins of my own to 'write off my account'; how then will I be able to take those of people I wronged, and couldn't pay back with my own good deeds?

It is also an announcement to all those who wronged and hurt me intentionally and unintentionally: I have nothing against you today for all that you said and did, and I will hold nothing against you on Youm Al Qiyamah, Inshalla. May Allah Forgive you for the hard time you put me through, and may He Reward you tremendously for the lessons you taught me in life; Ameen.

رَبَّنَا ظَلَمۡنَآ أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمۡ تَغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَتَرۡحَمۡنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ ٱلۡخَـٰسِرِينَ

Ailments of the Heart - Vengeance

2010-07-19T18:04:00.015+04:00

Salam 3lykm

This is another lecture that also took place in DXB, but this time, it was Shaykh Azhar Iqbal (disciple of Shaykh Zulfiqar Ahmad Naqshbandi) who gave the lecture. I can't remember when it took place; probably a couple of months ago. I do have the sound file; it's over 50 MB though, so if anyone wants it, let me know. =) The lecture was in Urdu, but these are some *slightly* comprehensive notes I took in English. I would also like to thank Brother 3umr for the Riwaya of عبد الله ابن المبارك رحمه الله; it has been taken from his blog post entitled, 'The Lady who Only Spoke Quran' - ربي يجزيه كل خير في الدنيا و الآخره.

I will be translating a lecture series titled, "Ailments of the Heart", by Shaykh Zulfiqar Ahmad Naqshbandi, shortly. It will cover subtopics such as anger and jealousy, along with other ailments of the heart.

PS. The formatting's gone whacked, but I dare not touch anything else, for fear that everything will wipe out. If there's anyone that cannot stand messed up formatting, it's me..but I can't help it right now..sorry! If anyone wants the MS Word document, lemme know!

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Diseases of the Heart: Vengeance

In general, defiance against Allah’s Commands and Rasulullah’s Sunnah is what is known as sinning. Their disobedience can either be done in public or in private, yet Allah sees EVERYTHING that transpires. Allah says in Surat Al-An’aam, verse 120:

وَذَرُواْ ظَـٰهِرَ ٱلۡإِثۡمِ وَبَاطِنَهُ ۥۤ‌ۚ إِنَّ ٱلَّذِينَ يَكۡسِبُونَ ٱلۡإِثۡمَ سَيُجۡزَوۡنَ بِمَا كَانُواْ يَقۡتَرِفُونَ

Thus, sins can be categorized as being either:

1. ظاهري : those that are apparent and one is almost aware of when he is sinning – e.g.

fornication, drinking, theft, etc.

2. باطني : those that are well-hidden, and might not constitute of any apparent action – e.g. vengeance, jealousy, etc.

Vengeance is such a grave sin that as per Hadeeth, all those who seek forgiveness on Laylatul Qadr will be granted it, except those who have a grudge, bear enmity, or hatred for another believer in their hearts. This entails that vengeance is such a fatal disease that as long as it exists in the heart, one’s prayers and forgiveness is made void.

Initially, someone takes something that was said or done to his or her heart, and if he or she dwells on it, it takes over one’s heart, almost like cancer. In the process, it makes attaining the Closeness to Allah IMPOSSIBLE. The path to finding the Nearness of Allah is one of love, which is why vengeance would be equivalent to Kufr. This is not to say that the person leaves the folds of Islam, but one renders all his Ibadah useless, as not only can he not attain forgiveness from Allah, but he is also void of his Nearness.

As per another Hadeeth, Rasulullah is reported to have said: when I sleep at night, I clear my heart free of all grudges, and this is my Sunnah; whoever acts upon it, will be with me in Jannah. According to another Hadeeth, the Sahaba were sitting in the company of Rasulullah, when another Sahabi passed by them. Rasulullah looked towards him and stated: “Look..there goes a dweller of Jannah.” The Sahaba were surprised; what was so special about this particular Sahabi? They all wished that Rasulullah had said that about them. One got up and followed him, with the intention that he would find out what it was that he did different than the rest; what it was that lead Rasulullah to distinguish him from the rest and call him ‘a dweller of Jannah’.

He requested for permission to stay for three days in his house, and was granted it. After three days passed by, he had not seen anything extraordinary on behalf of this Sahabi; nothing that the other Sahaba didn’t already do. So, he finally told him his purpose of staying for those three days in his company, and asked what it was that made him worthy of the glad tidings. After having admitted to have shortcomings in Ibadah, the Sahabi said that he had cleansed his heart free of all hatred and enmity against all those who had wronged him, despite the amount of pain they had all caused him.

The problems that could arise from vengeance are almost countless; the biggest being falling susceptible to hypocrisy. It isn’t necessary that one should show displeasure towards the person they hate; in fact, they could seem like the best of friends! A smile on the face, empty words of praise that have no meaning, yet a heart that harbors bitter enmity and hatred for something that he or she once said or did in the past. The following are clear signs of vengeance, and if one happens to have any of these, they should immediately rid their heart free of any grudges they might be harboring against others, and turn in repentance to Allah, asking for His Forgiveness.

1. You dig down DEEP for the person’s faults; it gives you GREAT satisfaction when he or she actually has the ill qualities you thought he or she had: if you’re going to scrutinize someone under a microscope, then there’s no doubt that you will faults in him or her. However, no human being is free of faults, and as per Hadeeth, the best wrong-doers are those who turn back to Allah in repentance. In the words of Rasulullah:

كل بني آدم خطاء و خير الخطائين التوابون

2. Your inner hatred for the person is so intense, that it gives you satisfaction to see him or her in trouble (sadistic nature): this falls under the first point; as per Hadeeth, if someone has repented for a sin that he committed in the past, and someone else blames and accuses him or her of committing that sin, [thereby bringing the person shame and reminding him or her of the wrong he or she has done], the accuser will NOT DIE UNTIL he is put in the same situation as the accused, until he or she commits the very same sin himself/herself. This is why It is crucial to abstain from bringing others’ wrongdoings into the spotlight, as if they have sincerely repented to Allah for them, one will only succeed in digging a pit for himself/herself.

3. Can NEVER say anything GOOD about the person: If your opinion was taken regarding the person, it will ALWAYS be something negative that you have strived hard to dig out about him or her. Supposing he or she has 100 good qualities and one bad one, you will ONLY remember the BAD one when you’re asked about him or her.

4. You will deem the person inferior to yourself, and look down upon him or her in contempt and disgust: this is extremely dangerous. There were two old men at the time of Eesa Alyhis Salam who were nearing their death. One had led a pious life, and the other had not done a single good deed in his lifetime. Eesa Alyhis Salam went to the latter first, and saw how remorseful he was, and despite having led a life that even HE knew was worthy of Allah’s Wrath, He was still hopeful of Allah’s Mercy.

When Eesa Alyhis Salam went to the second, he asked him if he had any last wishes that could be granted in this lifetime. Having spent a righteous life, abstaining from all that was forbidden, he replied: ‘I just don’t want to be brought up with this man in the Hereafter.’ By ‘this man’, he meant the one who had not done a single good deed in his lifetime. After their death, Eesa Alyhis Salam was informed about their ends through Wahy: the first man (evil) was hopeful of Allah’s Mercy, and had expressed remorse and regret at his wrongdoings before his death; thus, he was granted Paradise. As for the second, he had deemed the latter inferior to himself, and had judged him according to what was apparent to him, and had clearly expressed aversion towards him and stated he didn’t want to be brought up with him; thus, he was sent to Hell.

5. You will consider and grab hold of every possible opportunity during which you could verbally inflict pain on this person: women are LARGELY guilty of this point. We are usually heard saying things like: “I gave her such an answer that would burn her heart to the core”. Yes, you might have burned her heart, but bought Jahannam for yourself in the process, و العياذ بالله! It is well known that the tongue’s wounds are far more detrimental to a person than those inflicted by a sword. The tongue can sever the strongest of ties, those of which cannot be severed by a sword. A single word repeated thrice by the tongue of an angry husband, can ruin years of effort put into a marriage in less than a second.

6. You backbite about that person at every opportunity you can get: this is such a grave sin that it has been deemed WORSE than fornication! Rasulullah is reported to have said

الغيبة أشد من الزنا

In another Hadeeth, the definition of someone who is "مفلس" or what can be translated in what we term as ‘broke’ in English, is not that of a person who has not a single fils on himself. Mufles is he who has unlawfully stripped people of their rights – be it through backbiting, slandering, cheating, etc. – and will undoubtedly have to pay them back in the Hereafter if he doesn’t ask for their forgiveness in this world. On Youm al Qiyamah, this person will have a mountain-load of good deeds, but one by one, people will come to this person and take from his Ajr, the dues that will compensate them for the rights he rid them of.

Another point worth taking note of is the fact that when one backbites, he or she tends to lie to reinforce his or her statements, in order to make them ‘believable’ by others. In this case, the person slanders the accused in his absence, that is, makes false accusations about something he or she never did or said, which is a very dangerous sin indeed.

Thus, Imam Abu Haneefah Rahimahullah used to say: “IF there’s anyone I should backbite about, and who is deserving of it, it would be my mother; I would be able to give her the reward I have received for my good deeds in return for all the trouble she went through for my sake. (I.e. to bring him into this world and bring him up to be the man he was) The word ‘if’ denotes that it is something impermissible.

7. You lose the sweetness of Ibadah, and are deprived of good deeds: a person becomes SO consumed over trying to take revenge from the one who has wronged him or her, that he or she spends all his time and life in figuring out and plotting the ‘best form of revenge’. There is no time to spare to engage in Ibadah or to increase the balance of good deeds. Not only does he or she engage in this vile sin, but also encourages others to do so, severing the strongest ties at times; thus, this is a CONTAGIOUS ailment of the heart.

This person is described as having lost in this world and the Hereafter.

خسر في الدنيا و الآخره

A believer’s nature is not vengeful, and neither does he or she bring others any harm; instead, a believer should be forgiving, and should wish for the best for all of Allah’s Creation, not just Man. “If you forgive Allah’s Creation, Allah will forgive YOU.”

Rasulullah was not of a vengeful nature; neither were the Sahaba, Tabi’een, or those that followed the Tabi’een. (تبع التابعين) In fact, none of our Aslaf were of a vengeful nature, and this lecture will be concluded with a few examples from their righteous lives.

As for Rasulullah, the renowned incident regarding the Key of the Ka’ba is clearly evident of his forgiving nature, as are countless other famous incidents that occurred during his blessed lifetime. Prior to Fat-h Makkah, Makkans did not spare him of any form of harm, yet he did not destroy them. Countless Sahaba were killed at their hands, yet Rasulullah did not vow any kind of revenge; instead, his reply was the very same that Yusuf Alyhis Salam gave to his brothers in the end:

لا تثريب عليكم اليوم

Have no fear this day!

As a result, the pagan Makkans embraced Islam in huge numbers. The fruit of Rasulullah’s perseverance and forgiving nature can be seen in the world today.

Before Fat-h Makkah, Rasulullah went to Uthman Bin Talha, the bearer of the key of the Door of the Ka’ba and asked him for it. His request was declined. Unable to worship Allah in solitude before heading back for Madinah, Rasulullah returned back with a heavy heart.

Coincidentally, after Fat-h Makkah, the Sahaba awaited to see who would be given the Key to the Door of the Ka’ba. They all individually anticipated that Rasulullah would definitely choose them; after all, who else could be deemed more worthy of such a great honor?! However, when the time came, it was handed over to none other than Uthman Bin Talha, and Rasulullah clearly reminded him of how he had deprived him of worshipping Allah before Fat-h Makkah. He told him he would not deprive him as he had done before. It comes as no surprise that the key remains in the very same family, having being passed down their generations until this day.

A great scholar by the name of Ali Hajweri Rahimahullah was once traveling on a ship; he had taken his cap off for fear that it would fly away with the wind – revealing his shaved head – and sat engaged in the Remembrance of Allah. A mischievous boy came around, having taken notice of the scenario, went up to him and smacked him on the head. This esteemed scholar refused to budge from his place, as he noted it would be a waste of his time. Time spent on catching the boy and telling him off would be better spent if he remained engaged in the Remembrance of Allah.

Having seen his reaction, the boy got fearless and kept slapping his head, so much so, that other people also got involved. Ali Hajweri Rahimahullah did nothing; he sat lost in the Remembrance of his Lord, oblivious of the ill-mannered people that surrounded him. As he sat there, it was though as someone had placed the sense in his heart: You sit here while this people ridicule you; if you want, with one fierce wind, we can blow this ship over and bring an end to them all.’ At that instance, he raised his hands up in supplication, praying: “Oh Allah! If you really do want to turn them over, then turn over the ships of their HEARTS [towards good].”

Vengeance is a deadly ailment of the heart, which the heart needs to be cleansed of immediately. Scholars of Tasawwuf say:

من عرف نفسه عرف ربه

It is only once the heart is rid of all these fatal ailments that one can seek the Closeness of Allah, and one can only diagnose these illnesses when one has control over their Nafs. Thus, it is ESSENTIAL that we all look into our hearts rather than point out faults in others. We need to find our own faults out, in order to eradicate their cancerous effect on our hearts and souls.

The best antidote for this ailment is Touba, or repentance to Allah. If one cannot cleanse his or her heart of this disease, then the LEAST he or she COULD do is ask for forgiveness from Allah for corrupting it. Not only is it the best remedy for that reason, but those that repent for their sins are loved dearly by Allah. It is stated in the Quran:

إن الله يحب التوابين

Verily, Allah loves those who repent.

During the time of Hassan Al-Basri Rahimahullah, there was once a young man who lived with his mother. This man was not only a habitual sinner, but he was also defiant. His mother used to beg him to ask Allah for forgiveness, but he paid no attention to her pleas. He continued to defy Allah’s commands until he fell terminally ill. His mother was sick with worry, and ran around from doctor to doctor with no results.

Eventually, while her son lay on his death bed, he began feeling remorseful about all that he had done, and the lack of good deeds that threatened to lead him to hell. He started crying about his wretchedness, and asked his mother to request Hassan Al-Basri Rahimahullah to come, so that he could ask for his forgiveness as well, as he defied him during his lifetime. He also requested that he lead his Salat Al Janazah, but when his mother ran tearfully to call him, Hassan Al-Basri Rahimahullah angrily turned her away, refusing to visit the dying man, and grant his last wish to lead his funeral prayers.

She ran back to her son, and told him of what the great scholar had said. The young man cried and exclaimed, “This is EXACTLY what I am worth; please tie a rope around my neck after I die, and trail me around the village so that everyone sees the result of sinners like me.” Saying this, his body and soul parted, leaving his crying mother by the side of her son’s body.

At that moment, someone knocked on the door. When she opened it, she was surprised to see Hassan Al-Basri Rahimahullah standing there. When she inquired, he said: “after you left, I went to sleep and dreamt that someone said to me, ‘Oh Hassan Al-Basri! What kind of Wali are you?! Another WALI of mine is DYING, and you refused to lead his Salat Al Janazah?!’ That is the reason why I stand before you right now; not only have I come here to lead your son’s funeral prayers, but also to inform you of the fact that Allah has ACCEPTED your son’s repentance!”

ALLAHU AKBAR!! There is NO EXTENT to Allah’s Mercy! Another incident that ties in perfectly with this whole lecture is that of an old woman who somehow got detached from her caravan, as they were making their way back from Hajj. Shaykh Abdullah ibn Mubarak Rahimahullah narrates: I left to perform Hajj at the House of Allah and to visit the grave of Rasulullah. As I was on my way along the outskirts I noticed something; it was an old woman wearing a woolen outer-garment and a face scarf.

I said: “Assalaamu-Alykm wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu”.

She replied: Salam (peace be on you) – a Word from the Lord (Allah), Most Merciful. [Ya-seen (36):58]

I said to her: “May Allah have mercy upon you! What are you doing in this place?”

She replied: …And whomsoever Allah sends astray, for him there is no guide. [Ghaafir (40):33]

From that, I understood that she was lost. I said to her: “Where do you want to go?”

She replied: Glorified is He who took His slave for a journey by night from Al-Masjid Al-Haraam to the furthest Masjid (in Jerusalem)…..[Al-Israa (17):1]

I gathered that she had performed her pilgrimage and was intending on visiting Bait’ul-Maqdis. I then asked her: “How long have you been in this place?

She replied: ...three nights, though having no bodily defect.” [Maryam (19):10]

I said: “I see, you don’t have any food with you to eat?”

She replied: “And it is He Who feeds me and gives me to drink. [Ash-Shu’raa (26):79]

I then said: “With what do you perform Ablution?”

She replied: ...and you find no water, perform Tayammum with clean earth …..[An-Nisaa (4):43]

I said to her: “I have some food, would you like to eat something?”

She replied: ...then complete your Saum (fast) till the nightfall…[Al-Baqarah (2):187]

I said: “It has been allowed for us to break our fast whilst we are traveling.”

She replied... And that you fast is better for you if only you know. [Al-Baqarah (2):184]

I said: “Why do you not speak to me the same way as I am speaking to you?”

She replied: Not a word does he (or she) utter but there is a watcher by him ready (to record it). [Qaaf (50):18]

I said: “Which people are you from?”

She replied: And follow not that of which you have no knowledge. Verily, the hearing, and the sight, and the heart of each of those ones will be questioned. [Al-Israa (17):36]

I said: “I have committed a mistake, so please excuse me.”

She replied: ...No reproach on you this day; may Allah forgive you...[Yusuf (12):92]

I said: “Would you like to ride upon my camel so that you may catch up with your group?”

She replied: ...And whatever good you do, (be sure) Allaah knows it. ….[Al-Baqarah (2):197]

So I made the camel sit down, whereupon she said: Tell the believing men to lower their gaze...[An-Noor (24):30]

So I closed my eyes and told her to sit upon the camel. As she was getting upon the camel, it stampeded causing her clothes to be ripped slightly.

Upon that she said: And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned…[Ash-Shuraa (42):30]

I told her to get on, she said: “Glorified is He Who has subjected this to us, and we could have never had it (by our efforts). And verily, to Our Lord we indeed are to return!”[Az-Zukhruf (43):13-14]

I took the rein of the camel and began to move quickly whilst at the same time yelling.

She said: “And be moderate (or show no insolence) in your walking, and lower your voice…[Luqmaan (31):19]

So I began to walk slowly whilst chanting some lines of poetry. Upon hearing me, she said: ..So recite as much of the Qur’a^n as may be easy…..[Al-Muzzammil (73):20]

I said to her: You have been given much goodness.”

She replied: But none remember (will receive admonition) except men of understanding.[Al-Baqarah (2):269]

As we walked some distance, I said: “Do you have a husband?”

She replied: O you who believe! Ask not about things which, if made plain to you, may cause you trouble…..[Al-Maa’idah (5):101]

I then remained quiet and did not speak with her until we arrived to her traveling group. I said to her: “This is your group, who is there from amongst them?”

She replied: Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world….[Al-Kahf (18):46]

From this I understood, that she had children. I said to her: “What is their role in the pilgrimage?”

She replied: And landmarks and by the stars, they guide themselves. [An-Nahl (16):16]

From this I knew they were guides for the traveling party. She then went towards the tents that were propped up. I said: “These are tents, which is yours amongst them?

She replied: ...And Allah did take Ibrahim as a Khalil (an intimate friend)! [An-Nisaa (4):125]..and to Musa Allah spoke directly. [An-Nisaa (4):164] “O Yahya! Hold fast the Scripture……” [Maryam (19):12]

I called out: “O Ibrahim, O Musa, O Yahya!” Out came young lads like moon’s shining, greeting us.

When they had sat down, she said: ..So send one of you with this silver coin of yours to the town, and let him find out which is the good lawful food, and bring some of that to you……[Al-Kahf (18):19]

So one of them went, and bought some food and placed it in front of me. She then said: Eat and drink at ease for that which you have sent on before you in days past! [Al-Haaqqah (69):24]

I said: “Now your food is forbidden upon me until you do not tell me regarding her situation!” They replied: “She is our mother, and she has spent the last forty years speaking only by the verses of the Qur’an; fearful that she may slip, and fall under the wrath of the Most Beneficent.

I (Abdullah Ibn Al-Mubarak) then said: That is the Grace of Allah which He bestows on whom He is pleased with. And Allah is the Owner of Great Bounty. [Al-Hadeed (57):21]

سُبۡحَـٰنَ رَبِّكَ رَبِّ ٱلۡعِزَّةِ عَمَّا يَصِفُونَ وَسَلَـٰمٌ عَلَى ٱلۡمُرۡسَلِينَ وَٱلۡحَمۡدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ ٱلۡعَـٰلَمِينَ

(Shaykh Azhar Iqbal)

Enjoying Blissful Freedom

2010-07-18T14:25:00.002+04:00

Salam 3lykm

I'm BACK, and I'm TOTALLY free!=D The feeling is exhilarating, really..doing stuff I didn't get the chance to do because I was SO TIED UP with studies! Keeping busy al7mdlla; wish the day was LONGER, though..not enough time to do everything I want to get done!xD

The stay in Lahore was OK, apart from the weather. All I can say is al7mmmmdlllla 3 ni3mt el AC. Seriously, people take central air-conditioning for granted...I came back 'healthy', but Mom's been hit by a heat stroke. Which is also a reason why our 3mrah trip depends on when she gets better..in other words, might not be traveling on the 23rd as planned...but we're definitely going, Al7mdlla!

Aiight, that's all for this update..more later! *dunno when :P*

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Traveling Places

2010-07-06T12:27:00.002+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Flying out Thursday night Inshalla; will be back home...FREE..ready to start a brand new chapter in life..next Friday, Inshalla. Heading for 3mrah within a week after my return, and then again for the last 10 days of Rama'9an & 3eed. During that time, I highly doubt I'll be blogging,*It's usually when I make statements like this, that my 'creative mind' kicks into 'overdrive'=P* so...as always...to all those I've hurt/offended intentionally and unintentionally, forgive me.

D3watkom needed,

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Mission Accomplished!=D

2010-06-08T19:15:00.005+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Al7mdulillaah, و هذا من فضل ربي..
Overjoyed...I helped a very dear friend in one of the courses this semester, and - despite all my shortcomings in explaining the concepts to her - in she got an A in the subject!=D

However, I cannot believe I successfully fulfilled one of my dreams..:')

اللهم لك الحمد كمــا ينبغــي لجلال وجهك وعظيم سلطــانك

A PERFECT GPA OF 4.0!!! =D

Sb7analla..I just pray that my finals in July go as well as these..:'D

اللهم لك الحمد كمــا ينبغــي لجلال وجهك وعظيم سلطــانك

A Request

2010-06-03T14:59:00.002+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

Sharee3a finals start July 10th; it is my last ACADEMIC year..and hopefully, the LAST set of exams I'm ever going to sit for in my life!xD Bachelors and Masters will be completed simultaneously Inshalla,‏ ‏و‏ ‏هذا‏ ‏من‏ ‏فضل‏ ‏ربي.

I would like to request all readers, and those of you who come across this blog, to please pray - not only for my success - but also for the implementation of this Knowledge in this life, in preparation for my Hereafter. My ACTUAL exam will begin once I finish, really; the test of seeing how this Knowledge will be used to cleanse my soul.

I wasn't able to study throughout the year as I was busy with my final year of BBA, so I'm ending up with one year's worth of a course with only ONE month to make it through. Thus, it is an Amanah on all those who come across my blog...pleease pray that Allah gives me the ability to sit down with dedication..and bestows Barakah within this really LIMITED period..and one last thing..PLEASE pray that other problems in life that are posing as obstacles..resolve Inshalla, as they have served as a GREAT distraction ever since I graduated from university.

Barak Allah Feekm w Jzakm Allah kl5ayr fdnya wlA5irah,

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

A Request

2010-06-02T03:07:00.002+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

I found another post in my 'drafts', this one written up on the 6th of February, 2010! Yeah, again..I don't know why I didn't blog it; I think it was due to the fear of exposure. Not much left to expose anymore, or so I think..anyway, I'll leave it as it was..because again, I still think like this now..

I was writing tonight to held relieve pent-up stress, because I was losing focus while studying. I erased most of what I wrote..extremely harsh and cynical. It was more like a 'purification' process too, almost like 'Detox of the Soul', if you will. This is what I was really getting at:

"All words of praise are either translated as mockery, or BS; that is the key to understanding my perception 99.99% of the time. The remaining 0.01% - IF you're extremely LUCKY - I might be delusional enough to believe you.

Do not fuel my Nafs with words of praise, and do not kill my Spirit with destructive criticism. Instead, nourish my Soul with meaningful advice, and enlighten my Heart with the Remembrance of Allah."

Spell-Bound

2010-05-30T20:47:00.005+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Wrote half of this last night, and continued it today..requesting you all to pray for my exams, and for contentment with whatever Allah has Decreed for me..

Tears stream freely down her face
Hating those who broke her family
Her home is now a foreign place
Rid of all peace & tranquility

Her head throbs as she hears them fight
Its hard to believe its been 30 long years
Words full of bitter hatred & spite
Surpass her trembling fingers to poison her ears

She wants to be a child again
She hates being able to understand
She wants it all to be foreign
Tagging on between them whilst clutching their hands

She wants them to joke around again
Welcome each other with warming smiles
...For how long will this hatred reign?
Will they forever be crippled by this acidic lifestyle?

'Where are the criminals who have cast this spell?'
'Why have they snatched happiness from our hands?'
She knows the answers to both all too well
But the question that now lingers on her mind is...

How much more of this inhumanity can she withstand?

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

FREEDOM!

2010-05-27T01:41:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm

Today, I walked outta the doors of ADU for the very last time..free, at last! Yes..I've FINALLY graduated. What's even better is..Al7mdlla I aced today's exam..but I'm not too sure about the 'perfect GPA' of 4; however, that doesn't mean I've lost all hope. ;)

This chapter of my life has come to an end; is another chapter about to begin soon? Dunno walla..not that I know of!

Final exams in July..heading to Lahore, and then a well-deserved break in KSA..with absolutely NO thoughts about STUDIES to ruin even a mere second for me. I don't think I've had a proper vacation since grade 11..so REALLY looking forward to this disconnection from the world..<3

Take care, non-existent Readers..

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Shoved...Into Life's 'Fast Lane'! Update

2010-05-16T18:15:00.009+04:00

Salam 3lykm

First off, a shout-out to my 'Loyal Readers' - whether you still read this or not - without you, this place wouldn't exist. (I would've probably stopped blogging a month or two after I started, lol.) This also includes the 'silent readers' - you know who you are! (I WOULD like to know who you are, but then again...thank you for stickin' around!=D)

I didn't realize it, but this blog is officially 3 years old..April 7th, 2007 - 16th May, 2010. I didn't think I'd keep blogging, really. I didn't know that one fine day, I'd have written over 50 poems. Through this blog, I met many different people, and learned countless lessons in life...some of which were really 'bitter', but قدر الله ما شاء فعل ...I don't regret any of them, and as I always say..if I had the chance to go back and change anything in my life..I wouldn't change a single thing.

Wow..time flies...in 10 days, by this time...I'll be walking outta university for the last time...and that feels REALLY weird. It's not like I won't have anything to do..bl 3x, I have SO MANY plans...I'm worried I won't be able to do most of them, in case..well...I get married. *My lips are sealed 'til it happens, so no questions on this one. ;)*

And...in exactly 2 months..I'll be flying back from Lahore, Inshalla...after my FINALS. This time, I'm not really freaked out or depressed about going; I guess it's because we'll be staying with family, Inshalla..memorable experience, walla. Here's hopin' their wild neighbors don't have any of their deafening parties this time!>.< style="color: rgb(102, 51, 51);"> fast lane! Oh..judging from the poll's votes on the whole 'blog makeover', standby for a 'new look'...should be changed by August, but like I said...I've been pushed into life's fast lane...which means a LOT to do, but in very LITTLE time!

A sister was reminding me that this year is my 'golden year'. Whatever that means, lol..apparently, since I'm turning 22, and my birthday is on the 22nd..it's my 'golden' year. :P It's only going to be golden if I'm spending it with my significant other. *shrugs* ;P

Aiight, so much for an 'update', eh?xD I better get back to studying; aiming for a 'perfect' GPA of 4...to successfully end this chapter of life...and hopefully begin a new one. <3

Take care, and remember me in your prayers..

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Invisible

2010-04-28T19:50:00.003+04:00

Salam 3lykm

New poem; written today while waiting for Dad to pick me up from university. 26th May, Inshalla...this nauseating 'semi-confinement' shall finally come to an end. A total detachment, I anticipate. A total detachment from the foreign and unnerving feelings I get, as I walk through the doors; familiar faces, yet all foreign. Unfamiliar faces; unnerving. Raw emotions tearing through walls of steel; crippled by thoughts that relentlessly batter my mind. A victim yet once again. I spare you of my delirious state, leaving you with my latest: 'Invisible'.

Invisible

I watch as they all pass by
Seconds turn into minutes
It's a thought I can't deny
As time is translated into digits

Swarmed by buzzing hornets
A threat to my thoughts' existence
Their deadly stingers an outlet
For those with inadequate resistance

They hover about in swarms...
I stand solitary.
Arising to work like lifeless forms
My gait: Military.

A Horrible Misfit
Everyday spent: confinement so despicable
Hours born of minutes
Devoured by self-hatred: a mere speck...
Invisible.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

PS. I'm not crazy; I just have a brain kicked into 'overdrive'. ;)

Disconnected.

2010-04-20T16:16:00.002+04:00

I feel like I've been mentally disconnected from everyone I know. I dare not get close to anyone, because..either I push them away, or they are taken away from me. Why happiness is so temporary, I will never understand..very short-lived. I have no interest in life anymore; what is there to look forward to in this world?

I've been back-stabbed many times, and I see people getting back-stabbed all the time; hell, I don't even know who's genuine and who's not. As long as I'm studying 3elm, I'm fine. Once classes finish, or once I'm back in university for yet another day..I feel like someone has taken me out of Jannah and thrown me in Jahannam. I'm restless in university, specially if I still have time 'til class starts. There is nothing to do there.

Sometimes I think I don't belong in this world, yet I don't have what it takes to 'book me a spot' in Jannah. I look around helplessly; I might be smiling, but it is only because I've cried my eyes dry. I stare on clueless; I do not care to know what is going on anymore. Even if people try explaining, I'm used to living in my own little space. Leave me there.

اللهم لا عيش إلا عيش الآخره

A 'Graduate' :')

2010-04-18T22:26:00.009+04:00

Salam 3lykm

I was going through ups and downs in life, and I'm still going through them...but I would like to share with you news of great value to me: 12th April, 2010 was a day of great significance to me; countless tears were shed, and countless 'reminiscent' laughs were shared, in the company of Banaat 3zeez ur R7maan...on the occasion of my 'graduation'. However, even though I have successfully completed the four-year long Sharee3a course, I stress on the fact that, 'there is yet much knowledge to be acquired', and thus I will continue to bear the label of 6alibat el 3elm until Youm al Qiyamah. I cannot bear the weight of the label '3alimah', and would like to request all to refrain from calling me that, as I do not deem myself worthy of such a responsibility.

This graduation IS, of course...MUCH more significant than my second, upcoming graduation; on May 26th Inshalla, I will be a jailbird at ADU no more. ;) I have no plans to attend my graduation however, as attainment of that degree was solely for the sake of pleasing my Dad..no more, no less. Bi Fa'9lillaah...my objective has been achieved, w lillaah el7md.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Uncertainties

2010-04-01T12:56:00.004+04:00

Salam 3lykm,

Sh7alkm? A9ln, madry low anyone reads this blog anymore fa I'm going to stop asking this question soon. I've been busy throwing all that's left of my creativity into my elective English writing course, which is why this blog has become more of a dust-collector..lol.

Before I leave you with my latest therapy, a word of advice to the free-riders on my cbox:
Keep your sh** off my blog, please. This isn't an advertisement board at any cost. I've deleted the messages; there's zero-tolerance for explicit content. You and the rest of your kind have been warned.

Yeah, notice the bitterness in my tone? I'm in no-nonsense mode these days, for some strange reason. Anyway, enough said..I'll now leave you with the latest insight on my mental state (not very pleasant, lol). Enjoy intruding and snaking through the dark thoughts that fill my mind. ;)

The feeling of being lost is terrible. You don't know what to do; where to go; or how to find help to get back in the right direction. You might have even be lost forever, thus clueless of what the right direction really is. It's at times like those where you just want to throw everything and sit down. Helpless. Feeling hopeless. A Quitter. Or maybe, a Survivor.

Am I lost? Maybe not, but one thing is for sure: I have yet to be found. The question is: am I looking for something? I might be. It might exist, and it might not. I don't know.

The end. I've thought about it: what it's going to be like; will I succeed or fail. When I think of failing, that's when I shape up. But...it only lasts for a few days, if not less. Unfortunately.

It's happening again.More frequently now than before: slow suffocation. It feels like my lungs are about to collapse; my breath is struggling to escape.

What am I? What is happening to me? Where are all these questions rising from? Wait, I know. I know one line that will suffice as an answer to everything that threatens my sanity. What's left of it, of course.

I'm merely a victim of life's uncertainties.

PS. Please pray for me; really strong headaches of increasing frequency are 'rocking' my life. Don't know what they are, but I doubt they are migraines. No, I've not been to the doctor, yet..

Jzakm Allah 5ayr. =)

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

-->WORDS OF A TRAVELER<--

Blissfully Forgotten

To Celebrate..or NOT?

The End

Bitter

Slow Death

Ecstasy

A Single Step

Priceless

The Big Finale

'iMarried'

My Lovebugs

Paranoia Kills

Realization Strikes

A Tragedy

Murderous Love

Anger's Fatality

An Eternal War

Leave Me Be

A Lifetime Mission

Inflicted

Farewell..'Til Further Notice

Burning Desire

The Uncanny Savior - Suicide

Deceiving Perceptions

They'll Never Know

Love-Soaked Delirium

Baring It All

Destiny's Perfection

Losing Grip

Your Love (Flashback: 2007)

Passion's Flame

Broken Glass

Vote 'Bleez' ;P

Bitter Love

Rebound

Happiness - The Beginning

Reminiscent 'Adult'

Goodbye Trust

Finished.

'Played Out'

F***ing Tired

Busy Busy Busy!

My 2nd Home: KSA

'Rosy' Thoughts

Broken Promises

..Not Again?!

Undergoing 'The Makeover'

A Near Escape!

The Quest

Travel Break

كيف تتلذذ بالصلاه؟

Muhammad Ibn Abdullah صلى الله عليه و سلم

إنا لله و إنا إليه راجعون

حقوق العباد - An Apology

Ailments of the Heart - Vengeance

Enjoying Blissful Freedom

Traveling Places

Mission Accomplished!=D

A Request

A Request

Spell-Bound

FREEDOM!

Shoved...Into Life's 'Fast Lane'! *Update*

Invisible

Disconnected.

A 'Graduate' :')

Uncertainties

Shoved...Into Life's 'Fast Lane'! Update