A Therapeutic Rant

Salam 3lykm

How are y'all doin' doing? Looks like someone out there hates seeing me happy, which would explain the roller-coaster ride of a life I have. Awel shay, work is going great, al7mdella. I'm actually lookin' forward to it...anything to get outta here..

As I write, my left arm is throbbin' crazily with pain, and so is my head. Let's just say...I got 'roughened' up...I feel nauseated, and extremely hopeless. I was fighting with parents about not going to Pakistan this July...but now I say to hell with it. Lemme go...hopefully I'll get shot or something...the worst case is I'll die. It's not like I have anyone who'll mourn my death, right? Right. The reason I didn't want to go is I don't want to get stranded there. I'm not scared of dying in one of the many bomb blasts that are rockin' that country...hell no...no matter how big a munaf8a *hypocrite* I might be, I wish to die the death of a martyr *surprising, eh?* However, the thought of gettin' stranded in Pakistan makes me want to stab myself.

I should be studying right now, but I don't feel like doing anything. I feel so damn hopeless, it's not even funny anymore. What happened today is evidence that what I say holds no worth. I'd think that this whole 'roughening up' would have never happened, but no. I still got blamed. Lovely. Yes, I do realize that I hold no value - just a waste of space and precious oxygen. Would someone like to do the world a favor and suffocate me? 7asbyallah 3el yhood...*I find this more sophisticated than cussin' the life outta..well...life.* No matter how many times I bang my head against the wall, it doesn't make the headache go away. I'm feeling so bloody nauseated...HATE it.

I keep thinking, maybe if I had let it get bloody, I wouldn't have had to hear the blame. Oh, and I was also asked to apologize. Apologize for WHAT, Allah yr'9a 3lykm?? Here's someone who's calling me worse than filth and trash; physically abusing me; and then claiming I'm the one who respects no one. Yes, I'm supposed to respect someone like that...if you're reading this, DREAM ON! Don't worry, I won't tell the world who you are. No, my friend...I beg to differ. My attitude isn't as half as bad as your stuck up one, and I don't go beating weaker people up just 'cuz I GOT THE POWER. You think it scares me? It just shows your true colors. You show the world you're some kind of tolerant, peace-loving creature, whereas you're really a tyrant.

I think I'll stop banging my head in the wall now; I might end up busting it open instead. I've tried 6 panadols on an empty stomach in one go, and nothing happened to me

....How many panadols come in one tab again?

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

PS. I'm hanging from a VERY thin thread right now...forget straw. If this is what you call attention-seeking, so be it. I've done many irrational things before *deleting accounts, etc- it wouldn't hurt adding one more. DON'T TEMPT ME. If you don't like what's written here, I don't give a damn. This is MY domain, and NO ONE is going to tell ME what and what NOT to do here.

Feeling Better, W Lillaah el 7md

Salam 3lykm

Awelen, I'm sorry for scaring some of my Readers out there; w lat5afow...this blog will stay for a long, long time..'til I have a partner in life to share my thoughts, happiness, and grief with. =) *yeah, the future is lookin' pretty bleak, so I might be bloggin' here 10 years from now, too!-.-*

I want to thank all those who sent me emails, text messages, and called me up on reading this post. Walla mag9rtow..w Allah yjzeekm kil5ayr fdnya wel a5ira. Al7mdella, I'm feelin' a whole lot better now. I made a few spontaneous decisions in my life, and got rid of a few 'connections' *no, not GUYS -.-* For now, I've stopped worrying about the things people think and say - it hurts, bes yalla..ma3alaih. Give & Forgive

Have recieved two job offers while at internship xD Mom rejected 'em both, bes what she didn't know is I rejected them BEFORE she did! The 'big boss' told me off - she said I'm letting my qualifications go to 'waste'. Ay qualifications, Allah yr'9a 3laych...knowing 3 languages makes me 'qualified'? xD Bes the best thing is seeing their expressions when they find out I'm not Arab :P Bdait a9addeg 3mry 3aaad..LOL! Customers look at me like this O_o when I say I'm 'Kashmiri' - walla it's fun...the whole 'guessing game' :P

When I think about it..yeah, I probably am 'wasting' my qualifications, but I'm in no favor of slaving around for men in a corporation. Uh Uh, no way. I'm literally tallying off the days left like a prisoner in his cell. Five more weeks of this, and I'll be a free girl again!

Aiiight, I forgot what I was going to say cuz I have a 'time limit'...*bro's home -.-*

'Til next time xD

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi t3ala w Barakateh

Depression Takin' Over?

Salam 3lykm

The title says it all; I'm feeling severely depressed. My family's begun to notice my really messed up mood swings, and right now I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know what's brought this all upon me again, but I feel like going into isolation once more. Have even been playing with the idea of deleting this blog, and leaving the net world completely. I'm even considering giving up writing, because as it is...I'm not getting any encouragement whatsoever from my family. I know they don't mean to hurt me, and they're just joking around...but being called crazy really cuts deep now. I've begun to doubt myself, and it really hurts..not having any support. I don't mean to whine about my life, and like bro says...I know I'm complaining which could lead to ungratefulness, but I can't take it anymore. I'm being misunderstood...or maybe...maybe I'm just crazy.

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

PS. Being called an attention-seeker by my bro for writing up on my blog was like a slap on my face. He claims if I wasn't, then this blog would be totally private without any readers..something like a diary. I'm beginning to doubt myself now...so...if you fail to find this blog within a couple of days, please don't be surprised.

Happy Endings

Salam 3lykm

Sh7alkm Readers? Yes, I'm back to bloggin' now..for today. I'm feeling annoyed right now, madry laysh. Happy endings make me sick. They don't even EXIST in reality, so why the hell bother with 'em? If you haven't already guessed, aba at7r6am w a6alle3 elli ef 5a6ry, lol.

I don't like stories anymore; they all have boring, predictable happy endings. Once upon a time, when I used to live in a bubble of my own, where everything was all about 'rainbows and butterflies' *not literally!*...I didn't seem to notice them...and it was all good. However, after I stepped into the real world, and was made to faced Bsing, backstabbing, cheating, lying, hypocritical creatures...I realized, and in VERY BLUNT terms: this world is NOTHING but gold-plated SHIT.

See, in REALITY...things START all happy, and then end in heart-breaks...THAT'S the real deal. Mind you, I ain't talkin' about lovey-dovey relationships and what-not. Hell no, that's just BS altogether = hogwash = DOESN'T EXIST. What I'm tryn'a say here is..why the hell do people keep frontin'?

Truth be told, I can't trust anyone anymore, not even those whom I considered close. How can you define someone as being 'close', anyway? If I were to do that, I guess it would go something like: those whom I LEAST expected to hurt me, yet they went and took a clear shot at my heart. WHY?! Why the hell do people make me such an easy target?!

I ain't paranoid - OK, maybe a LITTLE bit, but usually (95% of the time)the person turns out to be a total 'phoney'. Then, people have the NERVE to ask, 'why on earth do you live the life of a hermit?!' Do I have any freakin' choice?! Totally DISCOURAGED - friendships = trouble..99.99% of the time. Hell, even ACQUAINTANCES...they don't even come to the point of 'friendship'..!

And now...I'm goin' to start 'working'...Sunday...should I be wary of what the future's going to bring? 7mdella all-female, Islamic *I'm assumin' so..it IS an Islamic bank after all!* environment, so I don't have to worry about harassment from a couple of low-lives..and all those females are down-to-earth, married mommies..none of that nose-in-the-air attitude...very 'homey' place...should I be worried? Appearances have ALWAYS been deceptive, after all. Or am I just 'over-thinking'? Bro already warned me, 'Don't get too comfortable and friendly'. Wow...I have a contradicting personality RIGHT here!O_o Paranoid + friendly and 'out-going'.

Yeah, so where was I...? I hate happy endings. I tried reading a novel the other day, and put it down within a few minutes. Why? I used to be a MAJOR bookworm; 3 600+paged novels a day. It was too cheery for me. Oh, and I totally hate the 'Romance' genre. Dammit, men like that don't exist..so why feed us women such BS? This whole 'Romance' genre is what has shot our *females* emotions to hell. We build castles in the sky, only to have 'em bombed to hell and back. Some misleadin' BS it is. When I tell 'friends' this, they tell me I'm heartless. Yeah...maybe I am, but I'm still better off than they are. At least I have no heart left for some ruthless, selfish, egocentric, pompous fiend to break. Yep, better off I tell ya.

After I wrote my post, 'My Soul's Demise', my dearest mommie *Allah y7f'6ha w y5alleeha li* shared pearls of wisdom with me. One of which I really liked: Live in this world as though you are heartless, selfless, and expect NOTHING from others. This way, you won't have a heart for anyone to break; you won't get your hopes high, so no one will be able to crush them. She also said, 'do good, and do it ONLY for the sake of Allah..because you can NEVER expect His Creation to always appreciate you and be grateful to you, specially when they are ungrateful and don't appreciate HIM.' I tell ya, it's one thing to share these valuable pearls of wisdom wit y'all, and its a totally different thing to implement them yourself. Maybe this is why I'm sharin' em; I couldn't mold my life according to them, and I'm hopin' at least ONE of you can.

So..WHY am i writing this? I don't know. Therapy? ...Or maybe cuz...yes. It's because I hate happy endings.

PS. The 'new me' is mostly optimistic, even when life is the shits, but this old 'pessimistic' me just suppressed the new me for now.

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Hypocrites

Salam 3lykm

What a title to come back with, eh? Bes, they're all around. It sickens you to the MAX when you know what the person REALLY is, and then you see 'em frontin'. I should be studyin' for my final exam - Business Systems Analysis & Design - but I frankly couldn't care anymore. It seriously speaks for itself -'B SAD' <- on the other hand, should'a been 'B MAD', because that's what it does to me!>.< B7med Rabbi low I get a B - why the hell do we have to learn about information systems, anyway?! That's the IT department's job, dammit..and I don't want to hear ANYMORE about how managers today are 'changing'. I ain't goin' to be workin', anyway!

Anyway, back to the post. So, I wrote 4 lines; they might make sense, and then again, they might not. It looks like I'm really losin' hold on my poetry now - burned out. Lemme leave ya with the pessimistic ramblings of her royal psychotic-ness. Comments appreciated, as always...bes if you want to be your usual lazy selves....well, you...CAN'T! I DEMAND comments or this blog is goin'..HMPH!-.- ...Dream on, haters - would I give you satisfaction so easy?=)

How many people smile hypocritically in your face?
How many blatantly lie when they claim they care?
Sometimes, with mockery their words are laced
And hatred burns behind their glassy stares

D3watkom needed y'all..exam from 730-930..PM not AM...yeah...ADU thinks we have no life, so now they've begun takin' our nights away, too. 2 more semesters to go...*sighs frustratedly*

Wes salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Back..& PUBLIC!

Salam 3lykm

How have my Dearest Readers been? I'm back after an ultra-long break, and yes...I've gone public again =) As for the post I wrote before this...that was my past. I have started afresh, Al7mdulillah..and may the newlyweds live happily ever after..

I have a LOT in life keepin' me really busy right now, so for now...y'all have access to the old posts, right? xD Cherish what you have!;P

I have not written any poems after 'My Soul's Demise'...but here's to hopin' it's not my last...

Finals 'round the corner, internship right after, and exams in Pakistan...followed by Fall 2009 xD
Yes...I wasn't kiddin' when I said I'm BUSY! xD

Bes Inshalla..inspiration will come a-knockin' on my door some day, and I'll tell ya'll how it goes...in the form of a poem ;P

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi t3ala w Barakateh

My Soul's Demise

Salam 3lykm

This blog has finally gone private, but I might make it public again after 2 months or so...depending on whether I'm still alive, or whether this blog still is.

I leave you with something I wrote today..

My Soul's Demise

You look at me & think you know it all
Has it occurred to you I'm living a lie?
Undoubtedly I've been shattered by the fall
And my dead soul can no longer deny

Their expectations have buckled me down
At whatever I've done so far, I've failed
Heart break was the only thing I found
And my entire life has been derailed

Some would say it's what I deserve
for allowing myself to be lead astray
I really thought my chastity I'd preserve
He could never be the one who would play

It was not his looks, wealth, origin, or personality
The main attraction was his Deen
I'd never met anyone like him in my life's entirety
Whatever we had seemed like a dream

I was a fool to believe those 3 words
At the time, I didn't feel for him the same way
My initial reply was incredibly absurd
I was shocked & didn't know what else to say

'Some day'..I hoped his disease would go away
But he died..yet my heart still bleeds for him
Never did I believe would come the day
Where he'd give in to his pleasure & whim

He played the most murderous mind games
Killed me & took Deen as his shield
Brutally stabbed in my heart his name
Then left me to bleed in the battlefield

Four years later, tears glisten on my cheeks
Knowing..in less than a month, he'll officially be someone's man
While I psychotically pour my feelings onto sheets
Wel-aware of the fact that this heartbreak I will never withstand

I blame myself for all the pain I feel
I will never be capable of loving again
I should've known something SO close to perfect can never be real
It's solely because of me that my soul...now lies slain

It took a lot of guts to post something so revealing, but I'm sick and tired of being judged all the time. I seem like the girl who has never done anything wrong, and people expect too much from me. The expectations are breaking me down, day by day. I know myself, I know the mistakes I've made...I've gone through too much in a very short time. I'm only 20, but I feel like I'm 10 years older. I hide behind the 'immature' front, because it makes me feel like a care-free child all over again. This is only 1/8th of what pulls me down - and what kills me even more is that HE KNEW the remaining 7/8th, promised to be there for me...and then shamelessly...heartlessly...played me. All this, while claiming to love my brother like his own.

If you ever get to read this, I first want to congratulate you on getting married..and second, no one will EVER know who you are. They might hear about what you've done, because keeping it inside for all this time has only succeeded in eroding my insides...but I will never bring shame to your name. If you ever read this, I want to know why you did what you did; why you went through all the trouble of getting down to the point of having our mothers exchange their numbers..and then, playing me.

Clearly...your claim of wanting to make it '7alaal' was just a scam. You KNOW you couldn't get me any other way..so you played the 'marriage' card. Maybe...the only satisfaction out of this all is the fact YOU YOURSELF claimed..I beat you to your own game..Thank You..for that. As absurd as this may sound...I don't know HOW I cornered you, because as I read through our old emails..I can't recognize the words as my own. I really applaud myself for THIS ONCE, for writing such stable emails in THAT frame of mind. As you would like to put it: قدر الله, ما شاء فعل

Readers..I hate to have disappointed you with this post..but I have reached a state where my Mom and bros can now sense something is REALLY wrong. Yes..March..he'll be gone. Officially. But wait..didn't I say he's dead? He is..and I'd never marry his replacement even if I were paid to. Unfortunately, I'm deeply in love with someone who doesn't exist anymore...not for anything else..other than his Deen.

Someone please do the world a favor, and shoot me. I'm too psychotic to be allowed to live, but I won't give you any more evidence of my madness. I believe I have shared more than was necessary...but necessary it was...to prevent me from doing something as drastic as..yet another 7araam and failed attempt on my life.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Process Halted

Salam 3lykm

Just a quick post to let y'all know the whole 'going private' process is halted, 'til further notice. Oh, and I might not be updating as often as I usually do - new semester, 6 courses..uni EVERYDAY. Will be taking summer courses, too..so I can graduate next summer Inshalla...w aftek min these money-hungry, slave drivers.

So far, all good al7mdulillah - professors are great, work load is increasin' ever-so-steadily *ok, so nothin' great there..but yeah..* by the end of june, I should be thru wit a total of 99/129 credit hours *who the hell cares?:P* leavin' me wit a balanced '5 courses per semester' LAST year..of course, that's only if ADU registrar don't manage to screw me over again.

Inshalla 5ayr - d3watkom dear readers ^_^

wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi t3ala w barakateh

Going Private

Salam 3lykm,

I'm going private on my blog for a number of personal reasons. If you'd like to be a reader, please email me at lookin4justice@hotmail.com

I'll probably go private within the next week or so.

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Arablish :D

Salam 3lykm

This is a quick 'reference' post if you will - a favor I'm doin' for the people who come across me or other 'Arablishers' over the net, or else where! If you wonder what all those numbers mean, wonder NO MORE...behold the Arablish Key: *sorry for the delay btw, guys!*

2 = ء

3 = ع

‘3 = غ

5 = خ

6 = ط

‘6 = ظ

7 = ح

8 = ق

9 = ص

‘9 = ض

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh :D