Bitter

Salam 3lykm

I only turn to this blog when I can't turn to anyone else; when I feel depressed, angry, or both. And helpless. Feeling all of those since the past few days. Overthinking's going to get the best of me someday! I try really hard to push away all negativity, but 'old habits die hard', innit?

I wrote up another poem, but this time I wrote it over three days..not because I'm losing my ability of turning my feelings into words, but the words I was coming up with kinda scared me. I don't want to be ungrateful for what I've been given..and I've been given more than I could ever imagine, let alone ask for..al7mdlla..

But I suppose I'm bitter for other reasons..namely the atmosphere at home, combined with being stuck here. Let's just say..my marriage was a miracle, given life's circumstances. I don't know what it is..to be quite honest..but I wrote this poem up, & again..I've written better. It's just all jumbled up; makes little sense to the reader, but holds a lot of raw feelings.

Just for the record, it's not Bu3awas. It's just..I don't know..overthinking? Honestly, my mind redefines the meaning of overthinking. Yet I still have to pinpoint where this bitterness is coming up from..I was fine 'til a week or so ago..

Leaving you with 'Bitter':

Am I supposed to tell you how I feel?

Do I tell you how I'm broken inside?

The smile on my face isn't real

It does well to mask the tears I've cried

I desire to break free from captivity

Run 'til my organs can take it no more

Winds assaulting tears viciously

Bitterness devouring me to the core

"Smile." I need a reason that holds

"Be strong." ..And you think I'm being weak?

"Live life." I'm fed up, truth be told

"Think positive." Practice what you f***ing preach

...Then again, it could be the destitute state my Iman currently is in, that has me feeling so..negative..

لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين

Slow Death

Salaaaaaam Allaaaahhhh 3lykm!

Did the title scare y'all? Instill some hope, perhaps?:p I'm not dying, not literally anyway! It's a slow virtual death..yep. Soon, when y'all google 'Um3eesa' or 'Um3awas', you might not find this blog anymore.

Before you reach out for my neck, lemme explain! Or try to, anyway..the brothers should be able to understand; y'all wouldn't like your wife to be 'reachable' online, right? Yeah, Bu3awas' stance is pretty valid, regardless of how many painstaking years it's taken to build this blog up.

I closed down all my social networking accounts as a result. I wouldn't like for suspicions to knock on the door, let alone enter our marriage. Once they enter, love walks out. So yeah, I'd rather be socially dead than be..wait for it..waaaiiiiit for it.."Forever Alone".:p

Yes, I miss sharing my nonsense online..& yes, I miss the friends I made along my...Internet Journey?=| ...but I have a lot more important, concrete aspects of life to anticipate now..& there's no way I can let those crumble.

I guess..this is where 'opportunity cost' comes in, innit? You win some, you lose some. All good things come to an end, innit? Except marriage. If you work for it. I want to hold on to Bu3awas; he's my 'citizenship' for Jannah.=$

Yeah okay, enough mushiness already!xD This was just a general update on life...just to show you I'm still alive. Fortunately or unfortunately.:P

'Til next time,

Essalam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Ecstasy

Salam 3lykm,

I wrote this at Fajr, on the 15th of October; it wasn't meant to be poetic, honestly..but when Bu3awas pointed out it's a poem, I realized it actually did rhyme quite a bit.x$ I leave you all with my latest, 'Ecstasy'.

Intoxicated by your scent, senses heightened by your touch; I'd rather put celibacy to shame. Taking more of you in, with each breath..cautiously; fearing the inability of being affected by your fragrance again. My heart against yours, beating in perfect harmony; with our lips in sync, dancing to a beat..inaudible..even to those in close proximity.

Your touch..fingertips stirring up an internal inferno of passion in their wake..your scent, a sweet intoxicant; slowly leaving my sanity at stake.

A Single Step

Salam 3lykm,

Should I start with, "I'm grateful to be alive today?" That would be very unlikely under normal circumstances, but let's just say, I am. Yesterday, it was just one step that saved my life. Literally. Again, it was Allah's Protection & Will, undoubtedly..but had I not retreated, I suppose my family would have been receiving condolences on my demise today.

Sb7analla..no life flashed before my eyes, when I saw that speeding car heading towards me. All I saw were really bright headlights, to be honest. All I could think about was, "I've not prayed elm'3arb yet, wana mb mtwa'9ia." Strangely enough, I didn't think of anyone, 'til that car whizzed past, ruffling my 3ba. I looked straight ahead and thought, "at least the hospital was close by".

It was surreal. A woman who was also waiting at the crossing shrieked, when I stepped down on the road. After all, the traffic light had turned red, and the pedestrian-crossing, green. Needless to say, as soon as the car went by, I crossed the road like nothing happened. "Like a boss." Lol, no seriously...I only realized what really happened when I came out of the shower. That's when everything hit me.

It would have been alright, I guess. Bu3awas would've been matched up with another girl, possibly a friend. Plenty'a fish in the sea, innit? My subjects would've been given to a colleague or two, &..well, my sister would finally have her own room, & maybe even her own laptop!:P Maybe the sudden death would've made my father realize the grave mistakes he's been committing, & he'd finally soften down on the family. Maybe.

Bottom line is, I'm alive. Al7mdlla. But whoever thought a single step could save a life, eh? I've heard about it, but never really gave it much consideration, to be quite honest.

I can't help wondering who Bu3awas would've married instead, though.x'$

'Til next time,

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Priceless

This was something I wrote in Rm'6an around Fajr, whilst in Makkah. It's what really broke my so-called 'writer's block', but I didn't deem it good enough to join the rest on this blog. However, while going through my phone, I decided it belongs here, along with my years-worth of mindless babble. So yeah, I leave you with 'Priceless'.

If you asked me what you meant to me
I'd be unable to give you a proper reply
Putting it in words is far from easy
And anything less would be a lie

The sun rises and sets everyday
Warmth spreads across as it shines
Yet enveloped in cold darkness, I stay
'Til your life crosses mine

If I said you mean the world to me
This world is but filth covered in gold
It knows not the meaning of eternity
And for a cheap price, could be bought & sold

Eternity is what comes to mind
As thoughts of you enlighten my heart
Having left all negativity behind
Deeming you 'Priceless' from the very start

I dedicate this to my one & only: Bu3awas.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

The Big Finale

Salam 3lykm,

Yes, I know. It's been a while since I last wrote any poems, to the extent that I thought I'd finally murdered the drunk 'poet' in me, but sadly...she lives. I guess she surfaces when life begins to take a toll on me, like it's currently doing right now. No, it's not because I'm married; it's because of that one person who's bound to screw up our lives for us. If you know me well enough, you'd know who that is, & if you don't, well..I'm sure there's a good reason for that, innit?

This poem's really scrambled up; a depiction of my mind, really. I don't finish processing one thought, when another begins pushing through, struggling to make it's way to my heart. Yes, I tell you..my thoughts are murderous.

I'm barely making any sense here, lol..disturbed state of mind. I leave you with, 'The Big Finale'.

I don't know where to begin
My life's now a mere blur
Suppressing feelings within
Causing my heart to falter

Painting a happy portrait
Allowing all energy to drain
Using hatred to communicate
Dousing Happiness with Pain

Patience writhes, badly inflicted
Stabbed by pain endlessly
Every breath comes out constricted
One step closer to 'The Big Finale'

It's not as good as the rest, but its worth a sh*t-load of bottled up feelings. I'm finally letting them go.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

'iMarried'

Salaaaaam Allah 3lykm,

Sh7alkm, dearest Readers? I've been crazy busy for a while, as usual. My life's never known any other way than 'hectic', so it seems! This blog's just collecting dust now, innit?:|

'Husband, wife, marriage.' Marriage. These words have always seemed so..foreign..to me. Little did I know, it would all change on 28th July, 2011. Yes, Bu3awas has finally enlightened my life with his brightening presence.;$

I got married, & left for KSA the very next day.:| Word of advice: distance SUCKS. If you plan to get married, or NOT..cancel all trips abroad, unless they're with your spouse. Agonizing, I tell ya.

I was in KSA for Rm'6an..lain el3eed, Al7mdlla..bs it was REALLY hard; my mind was totally out of focus. My lack of concentration during 3ibadah was almost frustrating; it defeated the purpose of headin' there in the first place!x_x

It wasn't planned AT ALL; it wouldn't come as a surprise to all, that everything happened within a week. One helluva whirlwind experience. I'm still somewhat..dazed..right now. I still can't believe it sometimes, "I'M a WIFE." Overwhelming.

Bu3awas is a LOT more than I could ever ask for, Al7mdlla. May Allah give me the opportunity to value him for his worth, & be a source of happiness, peace, and contentment in his life; Allahumma Ameen.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

My Lovebugs

This post's dedicated to those who made me smile and grin when I least wanted to; those who stood by me when I knew not where to go, & those who made me see 'the greener side', when I was surrounded by darkness. My Lovebugs.

I left you all, not because I couldn't give a damn about how you felt after I walked away, but because I gave a damn about how I was ruining your timelines. My unhappiness was clearly reflected through the words I used, & instead of brightening up your timelines like you did mine, I was doing the very opposite.

This is my decision; once upon a time, I hated Twitter, yet you made me love it..to the point where I was addicted to it. I tried breaks, which only failed. I tried leaving, which failed too. This time, I plan to make it work. I plan to make it work, because I know returning would be a fail.

I know some of you hate me for it, I know some of you couldn't care less; soon, you'll all be indifferent to my decision, and it'll be forgotten. I'm no deranged, attention-seeking drama queen, and it sucks to be thought of as one. I've always been a loner, and company's something I have never been able to handle. Isolation has always been my refuge.

I don't mind criticism, but I can't stand mockery, and I saw too much hurtful sarcasm being flung around. People say one shouldn't have to explain themselves, yet I'm an open book. For letting you down, I apologize..but I'm just being me. This is who I am; I shun people. I shun them, because they give you happiness & love, then snatch it back when you least expect it. And being a person, I know I probably do that, too. So, I shun people.

It's not a definite solution, and it definitely has its repercussions, but it has worked for now. As my Lovebugs, I only hope you'll understand where I'm coming at. I know you won't mock me, at least. If you want to contact me, there are many alternatives; Twitter was just one of them.

I love you all as my very own, which is probably why I never said 'goodbye'. And I'm not saying it now either, because the mere thought of it has my eyes welled up with tears. As dramatic as it may sound, I have faith our lives will cross paths again, and hopefully this time, I won't run away as an escape.

Rabbi ywaffgkm w ys3dkm dnya w a5irah..<3

Paranoia Kills

Salam 3lykm,

Yay, another post within days; my Blogger has miraculously come back to life!=D No, seriously..I just wanted to update my stalkers on my whereabouts. No, okay..all jokes aside, I just missed blogging.

I'm not writing any poems yet, nor am I writing deep, thought-provokingly poetic posts. I'm just nurturing this blog in hope that my thoughts will sort themselves out, before they're blog-bait. In other words, I'm resorting to blogging as therapy again.

Talking to people helps temporarily; you never know when they could use your thoughts against you. Through blogging, I suppose all these posts could be used against me, but at least I don't have to know what you think when you read my posts. Not commenting is working for me; keep it up. Honestly. I'm better off not knowing what you think of me.

This is my domain; I get to choose whether I want to be happy or sad, sane or deranged. Whatever I choose helps throw pent-up feelings out, where they can't cause my insides any damage. Right now, that's what I'm working on..'spring-cleaning my insides'.

If people really care, they do so without mocking you in your absence. They understand your stance, having been told how you feel. If they don't, then putting yourself out there as a mere source of their entertainment is just ridiculous.

Anyway, this part of the world is unbearably hot, so I'm thinking of taking a trip to where it's cold. The change would be good, and going off the grid for a while would be nice. Come to think of it, there's only one main source to all my problems:

The Internet.

If I were to shut down all accounts, nearly all my problems would go away. I'm currently testing this notion; I'm now saying no to social networking. Let's see how far that goes. Right, enough rambling for now,

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Realization Strikes

Salam 3lykm,

Sh7alkm, Readers? I've been 'speechless' for a while. I shouldn't have been; my bouts of madness should be chronicled, so I can read them later on and realize every bad phase comes to an end. I should have taken it out here, instead of Twitter, but apparently..Twitter did comatose the Blogger in me.

Throughout my entire life, I've always handed over a knife to people in need of self-defense; however, I've not even stepped away from them, and it's embedded snugly in my back. My strategy has always been disconnection. I pull away, tend to my wounds in solitude, & come back out again. As a result, my back's now a sieve.

I'm not a people person, I've never been a people person, & I doubt I'll ever be a people person. I was happy in my own little bubble, yet people weren't. They wanted me to mix with people of my own age; they found my isolation disturbing. I was happy. I was made to believe it would do me damage, but the point is I was happy.

I was happy, but failed to realize it.
Don't follow in my footsteps; they lead to dead-ends.
Here's to a fresh new start. Yet again.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh