Everyday

Salam 3lykm,

..And yes, I wrote two separate pieces last night. After writing that depressive one, I felt better. So, I wrote something else. Something slightly more..I wouldn't say positive, really..but something that wasn't depressive. Let's just leave it at that. Of course, it's dedicated to my one & only: Bu3awas.♥

Everyday is a battle between my heart and mind. Everyday, I deem our union a blessing and a curse. Everyday, I bite back a shy smile, and choke back bitter tears. Everyday, I'm left with just a little more anticipation and regret. Everyday, I vow to do whatever it takes to make it up to you, and not to speak to you 'til you apologize. Everyday, I wake up and fall asleep to thoughts of you, endlessly wondering whether I'm living a dream, or a nightmare.

Everyday, I fall deeper in love with you, exponentially increasing my fear of losing you. Everyday, my impatience feels like taking control, bridging the agonizing distance that tears us apart. Everyday, I agonize over endless thoughts that send me headfirst into a dizzying future, only to shake my head in disbelief. Everyday, I feel like my dreams have empowered reality, only to be thrown off roughly..and unpredictably.

Every day spent without you, is a struggle to stay sane and alive.

Bearer of Pain

Salam 3lykm,

Just a little something I wrote last night; one of my usual 'dark and twisty' pieces; nothing to worry about. Not everything I write has a logical explanation behind it, and even if it does..if I don't mention it, please don't ask for it. If it isn't already stated, what makes you think I'll tell you afterwards?:'| Leaving you with, 'Bearer of Pain':

You and the rest of the world, are in oblivion of the pain I bear everyday. Once upon a time not very long ago, you were the sole source of my smiles, my happiness..the sparkle in my eyes.

Why did you have to take that away from me? What did I ever do to you, to deserve such cruelty? I only showered you with love and affection. Is that really such a heinous crime, that you felt it was worth the happiness..that made me glow from within?

I only wanted to fulfill my dream of a life filled with love, bliss, and harmony. Was that so bad? Couldn't you have played along, at least? Was it really necessary for you to callously toss my heart aside; a heart bearing wounds flesh-deep..?

Couldn't you have thrived on my high, instead of crushing it so heartlessly? There was enough for both of us..why did you take it all away? And if you really wanted to, why didn't you make sure you left my heart DEAD? Why leave it writhing with just enough life..to feel the excruciating pain surge within?

Ws Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Woes of Silence

Salam 3lykm,

I'm in the most rotten of all moods today. I feel so disconnected, so incredibly antisocial..not the best thing for a Thursday afternoon, eh? Knocked off nearly 20 BBM contacts who will either be relieved or really, really pissed at me. Couldn't give a damn, really. Fed up beyond belief.

Dunno whether it's the atmosphere that's finally getting to me, or I'm just sick and tired of pasting a goofy grin of oblivion on my face. It could also be both, really. Oh-so-#$%^&*(-fed up. Anyway, I did my usual late-night scribbling yesterday; I'm not explaining any of my writings..take 'em as you will. I've just written this out as therapy, so right now..I'm just taking it as it's all between my blog & I. For now, you Readers fail to exist.

Silence. That's all I ever hear from you, & it kills me a little more on the inside everytime. Then, you leave me to dwell in it..probably hoping I'll get accustomed to it; instead, the opposite happens.

Disheartened. Don't get me wrong; I understand you have a life to live, & other commitments to fulfill. So do I. So does everyone else. Isn't that what life's all about? I've tried really hard to see things from your perspective..but I fail. Miserably. It just doesn't add up..or make sense. Not only to me, but really, just..everybody.

Tired. I'm so goddamn tired of waiting on sleepless nights, while you slip into a peaceful slumber. Do you not think for once that maybe..just MAYBE..my 'insomnia' is deliberate? Maybe..it's not even insomnia; I force it upon myself, senselessly hoping you'd 'chase' it away..? But sadly, you rarely do.

Judge, assume, mock..& once you're just about finished, do the world a favor & jump off a goddamn cliff. Thank you, in advance.

The Others

Salam 3lykm,

It's been a rough two weeks, taking over the household while my mom was away..by her mother's side in Pakistan. My grannie returned to her Creator on the 1st of March, 2012. I believe I'm still very much in denial; my mind fails to acknowledge her demise, let alone comprehend it.

Apart from finally getting started on cooking, I've also made up my mind with regards to parenting. I'm staying outta the 'battlefield' for as long as possible; I'd like to stay 'youthful' for the first few years of my marriage, thank you very much. Parenting is what turns hair grey with worry, accompanied by prune-like skin, thanks to countless parenting woes. No sirreeee..I'd rather deal with being mistaken as a teenager, I kid you not!

Enough with that; I leave you with something I wrote before sleeping last night: "The Others"..

When all else fails, I like to find solace in solitude, lest Insanity finds me. It is only then do I realize, I am dependent on others in my pursuit of happiness..

• Others who might shed a stray tear or two upon hearing of my demise, yet will eventually allow Time to erase all traces of me from their lives.

• Others who will claim to love me, yet revel in glory every time they get a chance to put me down.

• Others who will claim to hate my enemies whilst secretly fueling their fury, which will pose as the hellish lair in which I'll burn.

• Others who will make promises lasting for eternity, only to seek subtle yet 'legit' ways to break them.

• Others who will make me impatient with anticipation, only to take a dump on my expectations.

• Others who will burn with agitation, 'til they see tears springing forth from my eyes.

• Others who will set their lives aside, just to watch mine fall apart.

..And the list of these 'Others' is endless.

Why then, do I allow them the satisfaction of tampering with my happiness..? The answer is simple, really:

Merely to compensate for the happiness of those in whose eyes I'M one of the 'Others'.

لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين

Bleeding Hate

Salam 3lykm,

I'm back with yet another post; looks like deactivating my Twitter account proved like an advantage in a lot more ways than I'd initially thought of, eh?! So anyway, I wrote something last night..it was actually a continuation of something I started..err, a month or so ago. It's based on a true incident.

Shattered glass, each shard a product of rage..tainted with blood; every crimson droplet venemous, holding a history of countless bitter years. Satisfaction dances sadistically on his lips, as she trembles with anger..resisting the urge to drive a piece into his heart. He knows he's not only successfully struck a nerve, but has also managed to tug on it sharply.

She fantasizes about feeding him the very shards of glass that glisten with her blood; would the internal bleeding suffice to drain him of life? At least, it would serve to shut him up..end the incessant ramblings of a psychotic mind. His eyes flash with malice, as he derives immense pleasure, taunting the frail shadow of what once was an exotic beauty.

Justice will be sought, & dealt accordingly. No criminal will walk away free, under the pretense of insanity. But, 'til then..the oppressed shall learn to endure oppression in silence; the kind that's enough to render one's senses useless.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Lovers' Fervor

Salam 3lykm,

When I don't write, my blog remains neglected for months, but when I do...one post after the next. Nature's way of maintaining a balance, eh?o.o Anyway, here's something I wrote last night; yes, I tend to write at night, to make up for my 'tweeting myself to sleep' habit, I suppose.x'D Anyway, I thought of calling the post 'Ecstasy, part II'..because it kinda ties in with it, but then I thought against it.

Driven by blinding passion, each longing glance stolen holds countless words drowned out by silence. The slightest caress is all it takes for a sudden surge in temperature, fueling the pulsating inferno that stirs within. Lust tempts Love, teasingly flirtatious, arousing arduous desires from a deep slumber, luring sanity into a dangerously fatal trap.

Orphaned

Salam 3lykm

It's been quite a while since I wrote something as therapy. It's been a while since I wrote anything, really. Obviously, tweets don't count..those were just, I don't know..random thoughts.

Life's suddenly become a lot more unbearable now; I can't take fights anymore. I don't know why, but it feels like I'm falling to pieces. I applaud my mother, for having withstood this bullsh*t for over 31 years, really. 23 years, & I've finally snapped.

Today is my father's birthday, & I dedicate this piece to him. We live under the same roof, yet he is gone. He is not my 'dad'; he is merely the man who shattered the fragile beauty who brought me into this world. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I leave you with, 'Orphaned':

I was once your little girl
You were once the 'bestest' dad
You once shielded me from the world
Other girls envied what I once had

Had it been deception all along?
Were my feet never on stable ground?
Was it that we let you down?
Tell me, where is it that we went wrong?

You were supposed to raise a family
Nurture us with love, not hatred
Showered endless torment callously
Shattering a bond ever-so-sacred

Why did time turn us all into orphans?
What heinous crime did we ever commit?
What made you heartlessly abandon..
..A woman so close to 'perfect'?

You worry because I seem troubled
Whilst deaf & blind to her endless agony
The fortress she painstakingly built has crumbled
Leaving her exposed to your bitter enmity

Although her defenses have broadened
It still has her in total despair
Her children were left orphaned
Void of both fatherly love and care

Every heartbeat more painful than the next
Tears pathetically replacing the words I can't say
Memories of how your 'O's preceded your 'X's
As your little girl wished her 'bestest' dad..
"Happy Birthday"

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala W Barakateh

Blissfully Forgotten

Salam 3lykm

You know how they say..'your face will forever stay imprinted in my mind, and I'll never forget you for as long as I live' about someone you cared about? Funny thing is, you actually do look back at things that once made you cry, and laugh. Sb7analla, I stumbled across some really old files on my PC..& I couldn't help bursting into a fit of crazy giggles, LOL.x$

I have long forgotten what you look like, let alone what you sound like. Your name has become like countless other names out there, Al7mdlla. I try to remember that which I tried for SO long to forget, yet it is like you & I never happened. Al7mdlla.

So here's some consolation for those of you out there, who think they're going through a heart-piercing breakup: time heals. I swear I didn't believe that for as long as I was told it, but someday, you'll be able to look at it as just another experience. Merely another valuable lesson learned.

And here's some advice for you 'lil ones' out there: as irresistible and intriguing the media makes a premarital relationship seem, I swear you're better off waiting for your spouse, trust me. Relationships are only the hard way around learning why intermingling of the sexes is forbidden in Islam, if you ask me.

Don't demean those three valuable words..save 'em for the one who actually proves it to you in ink. *Think 'the legal bond', not a friggin' love letter, mind you ._.* Save 'em for the one who legalizes his/her love for you in front of the entire world.

Treat "I love you" like something sacred; indeed, the only one worthy of it is he/she who isn't reluctant/afraid of letting the world know..it's only YOU he/she wants to spend the rest of his/her life with.

PS. This post wasn't supposed to be all mushy, gooey, and lovey-dovey; it just took a sudden turn in that direction.xD
PPS. I deemed premarital relationships wrong long before I got married, right after I'd gone down the 'wrong way'..to the notorious 'Dark Side'.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

To Celebrate..or NOT?

Salam 3lykm,

Birthdays aren't meant to be celebrated, innit? And I always knew that..but try sharing the same birthday with your spouse! I swear that's just something irresistibly 'celebratable'!x$ And yes, I speak from experience; Bu3awas turns 24 on the 22nd, while I turn 23.=$

Besides, it's our first birthday together..maybe I've been brainwashed, but tell me that isn't easy to overlook! I'm thinking of celebrating it on the 23rd, though..because that technically has no significance, innit?O:) Deep down inside, I know it's just wrong!x_x

Gimme ideas, suggestions..whatever! Help a sista out, 'yall! I've been providing free 'entertainment' for a few years, already..here's your chance to make it all worthwhile!x$

I await your comments this time over!

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

The End

Salam 3lykm,

Sh7aaalkm, Readers? No, this isn't about the end of my blog..not just yet, anyway! This poem's been inspired by a trial a sister I know is currently going through; may Allah make it easy for her, & bless her life with eternal bliss, for she truly deserves it..Ameen.

I was surprised to have written it within less than 10 minutes; I didn't know I still had that in me! I know you would probably expect happier posts, not to mention..mushier ones, but naah. I can't really put all that lovey-dovey stuff in words, without sounding err..jee-ay-why. x_x

I would like to request you all to pray for this sister's marriage..pray that the word 'divorce' stays out of the scenario, and they rekindle the love they once had..it's a very saddening situation indeed.

Leaving you with, "The End":

Thoughts of you once made me smile
Now they just make my eyes well up with tears
Why did you only let it last for a while?
I'd wanted for it to last countless years

Now I feel depressingly hollow inside
Never thought you would put me through so much pain
It doesn't matter how hard I tried
Regret, bitterness, & sorrow is all there was to gain

In sickness and in health; for better or for worse
You just gave it all up in the blink of an eye
Our marriage turned from a blessing into a curse
And all you had to do to save it was just..TRY

Once again, I'd like to request you all to pray for this couple; The Damned is trying really hard to sever once blissful ties..Barak Allah feekm w Jzakm Allah 5ayr.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh