Split

Salam 3lykm,

Who reads this blog, anyway? It would be nice to hear from silent readers, if any. Anyway, I'm back with a poem; you won't understand it, so don't try to 'read between the lines'. It's just a depiction of my very scrambled thoughts, which I can't share with anyone, for the fear that..they might assume something is wrong.

Nothing's wrong; can't a married woman voice her doubts from time to time? I mean, that would ensure she wouldn't dwell on them, as they wouldn't be in her mind, then. Right? Am I making any sense? I don't know. I am to myself. I think.

We've all said this cliché sentence, or at least..thought it: I don't know who I am anymore. Maybe it's just all a part of 'growing up'; you inevitably change, whether you want to or not. Whether you realize it or not. Whether you try to stop it or not. 

Just..don't try to analyze what I'm trying to say 'between the lines', okay? Maybe I'm trying to scream something significant; maybe I'm not. Maybe it's just the remnants of what my brain cells have managed to squeeze out, after being abused by the junk I've relentlessly exposed them to. I don't know.

This is just another poem that makes no sense; read it, and think nothing of it. I leave you with, 'Split'.

Holding on to the fragments of my past
Fearing the worst, while faced by Reality
Some days find me steadfast
Whilst others threaten my sanity

I have failed to accept certain change
Resorting to a life of pretense
It sounds a lot more than just 'strange'
To some, it won't even make sense

Who is the stranger I see in the mirror everyday?
Does she have what was once mine?
Or is she the one who threw it all away
Whilst Reality deceptively drew its blinds?

Remember, don't try and analyze it..but feel free to leave a comment if you want to. Anonymously or not.

And if you want this blog to be updated a lot more frequently, let me know. I might just manage to start writing again. If not, let me know as well..but that won't stop me. Just sayin'.

Post-'whirlwind' wedding

Salaaaaaam Allaaaaaahhhh 3lykmmm!

Oh-SO-much has changed, since the last time I posted on this blog! Let's see..I'm a live-in wifey now, and y'all know what that entails. Yes, I've started cooking..I've even started using makeup, & no..not as war paint. I've actually learned how to apply makeup from Youtube tutorials. They actually make sense to me now; it's not like they're using some alien language that leaves me utterly bewildered.

Here's a funny thing: I still live in my parents' house, though. With Bu3awas. That's a ginormous relief; gone are the long-distance days, Al7mdlla..I wasn't a fan of them, I kid you not! That's the only information I'm dishing out; the stalkerish activity on my blog has me wary and all that jazz.

I've not written anything in ages, and I'm beginning to suspect that the writer in me has either slipped into a coma, or a grave. But then you obviously know that, since this blog's been neglected for the longest time ever, in its 'life'.

I don't really know what to write anymore, because now that I'm married..if I were to write a depressive post, people would immediately jump to the conclusion that something's wrong with the marriage. If I resorted to ranting here, Bu3awas might read it and assume the worst..so yeah. I guess it's just 'safer'..this 'negligence'. For now, at least.

I don't even know if you guys read this blog anymore; I mean, it's been quite a long time since I received a comment of some sort! Not that Blogger compromises on anonymity, but I've actually got an Ask.Fm page now, for those of you who have any questions to ask, or anything to share. So, feel free to drop a line, or a paragraph. Whatever you're 'into', really..here: http://ask.fm/um3awas

I don't know when I'm going to get the chance to write here again, and what 'news' I might have for you when I do, but yeah. 'Til next time, keep safe and happy.

With all the shit this world brings to you...bag it up and ship it off to the nearest manure manufacturing plant, will ya?

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

A New Dawn

Salam 3lykm,

Yesterday's post was written in bitterness, anger, & pain. Al7mdlla, I'm recuperating from my 'breakdown', or should I say, 'state of utter madness'? I heard an Islamic lecture whilst doing some household chores today, & typically, I'll admit I had a craze for lectures, once upon a time. But now, on very rare occasions would you find me listening to one; not necessarily a good thing, really.

It was on "el 7ilm" - and the story was that about 3thman bin 6al7a, Ra'9yallah 3nh. Anyway, when the scholar said, "Rasulullah صلى الله عليه و سلم was deeply saddened, & wished to spend his last moments in Makkah, his hometown, in the remembrance of His Lord.." that struck a chord. Here, I was lamenting about not 'belonging' anywhere, & being an 'illegal immigrant'; here, I was ranting about the instability that plagues the life of an expat. Yet, I'd clearly forgotten how Rasulullah صلى الله عليه و سلم was driven out of his homeland, by his own people! I'd clearly forgotten about the biggest form of instability that looms over every single living being's life: Death. 

What's the use of a visa, let alone citizenship, when the Angel of Death stands before you, ready to extract your soul? Death is inevitable, & as per 7deeth, a present for believers. Yet, its time is unknown to us. We are given reminders, as the souls of our loved ones depart from this world, one by one, but we rarely pay any heed to the fact that it is a reminder.

Yes, this house holds a lot of memories, but so does this world, doesn't it? One day, these memories won't really matter anymore. Yes, it has been over a year since I got married, but would I have learned what I learned, had we been living together from the very first night? Maybe I had to endure this stress for a good reason. Maybe someday, I'll come across someone going through the same predicament, someone who feels like this world is slowly closing up on her, & as vast as it may be, there's no room for her in it, besides 6ft under. Maybe then I'll be able to tell her, it'll all pass..& when it does, she'll realize it was truly worth it.

It is true what Rasulullah صلى الله عليه و سلم said about us women; we truly are ناقصات العقل و الدين We panic at the slightest turbulence in our lives, forgetting the reward for those who wait patiently for it to pass. At this instance, only one thing comes to mind: الحمد لله على نعمة الإسلام و كفى بها من نعمة

رَبَّنَا ظَلَمۡنَآ أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمۡ تَغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَتَرۡحَمۡنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ ٱلۡخَـٰسِرِينَ

Still Breathin'

Salam Allah 3lykm,

It's been a while, as usual. This is going to be a post of unadulterated therapy; I have SO MUCH SHIT going on inside my head, it has all my vitals going quirky. I've yet to move in with Bu3awas; yes, it's been a year, and counting. No, I have no bloody idea when it's going to happen. But it better be soon, or else Bu3awas will have to come get me from KSA.

Yes, that's right. My dad's retiring in February, which means..this ends my parents' stay in the UAE. I don't want to come to terms with it, because AD has always been home. The place where we live, it holds A LOT of memories; it holds my entire life. I was 5 when we moved to this apartment, & I am hoping it'll be the place where Bu3awas FINALLY takes me home from, but I no longer have any expectations. 

To those who think he doesn't exist, I'm tempted to swear at them 'til people begin to suspect I have Tourettes, because you have no goddamn idea how much stress I've endured, & continue to do so..during this predicament. I feel like tearing their hearts out of their chest, with a blunt knife..but even THAT won't suffice to match the pain I've suppressed within me. I would pray for you to go through it, so you'd realize how bad it is, & think twice before you allow the shit you're full of to pollute the environment, but no. I pray you live blissfully with your spouses, in this world and the Hereafter. 

I don't know what's going to happen; I've stopped hoping 'I'll move out soon'. I've not even mentioned the 'resident visa' issue, and I think it's best I don't. Let's just say, I don't belong anywhere, by 2013. Welcome to the life of an expat.

With uncertainties so huge, I don't look forward to moving in anymore. I literally feel dejected at this point; part of me prays I don't live to see my 24th birthday. I'm being ungrateful; others have it worse, I know. But give me that 'optimistic' shit, when you've been in this very shit-hole. At this point, I don't know whether to be appreciative of those who thought of this 'brilliant' marriage plan, or to hate them. Maybe I'm being childish, but bear with me here. I've held all this mahoosive load in me for over a year. Cut me some slack; friends who never even thought they'd get married, have kids now or are pregnant..while I sit here. "Good comes to those who wait" Yeah, unless death reaches 'em, first. But I suppose that's 'good', too. For those who have actually prepared for their journey onwards to their final abode.

And then those..I can't even think of profanity appropriate enough to define them..god-forsaken people who keep asking, "When's the wedding?" Go die, please. Does it really look like I give half a slither of a petrified log of SHIT about a WEDDING? Yeah, one and a half year later of being a bloody 'BRIDE', you expect me to doll up for you, & perch myself on a stage..so I can be oggled at? NO! SCREW YOU. My parents are uprooting their whole life, & going somewhere where they STILL won't have a proper base; somewhere where they have NO FRIGGIN' SOCIAL STATUS because of RACISM, NOT NATIONALISM..and you're wondering when the hell they're going to throw a fancy bash for your goddamn entertainment??

They'll STILL be EXPATS there; they STILL won't have a place to SETTLE down. In their 50-60s. WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THIS? The life of a goddamn EXPAT. We basically have no stability; our own country is ruled by criminals, & the funny thing is..those who rule it, live OUTSIDE the country itself. YES, THAT'S HOW GODDAMN SCREWED OVER IT IS. We can't even think of going back there, because that's like saying, "Oh yes, let's go live in a garbage dump which is ruled by a bunch'a criminals."

I'm infuriated; I can't control anything in my life..not even the slightest thing. Then, I have all these teenagers coming up to me, telling me what to do with my life. With all due respect, go graduate from high school/university, then come share your wisdom with me.

Meanwhile, I think I'm just going to excuse myself and dig a grave, and wait for the Angel of Death to come along..because I don't see things getting any better; they're only getting progressively worse. Oh wait, no..I can't do that. I'm going to be an illegal immigrant soon. Thank you, Nationalism.

Soul-deep

Salam Allah 3lykm,

It's been AGES since I last wrote a poem; so long, that I thought I definitely don't have it in me now. Well, I was wrong..thankfully. I leave you with my latest, "Soul-deep". I would like to remind all readers NOT to jump to assumptions about my life, after reading my poetry; thank you.

I love, yet it's all in vain
Countless are the tears I've cried
I fail to think it's worth all the pain
Yet, taking it all in, I've persistently tried

I'm not one to sit in denial
I'm not one to put with it all
I would've overcome this hurdle
Had I not been the one to fall

My feelings have been cast away
All consideration tossed aside
With a bludgeoned heart, I'll play
The role of a 'blissful bride'

Ws Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Sleepless

Salam Allah 3lykm

No, I'm not a 'live-in wifey'; yes, I realize I've broken my vow not to write 'til I became one. No, I couldn't do without blogging; yes, it does keep me from going insane, contrary to popular belief. Yes, I'm still alive, fortunately or unfortunately.

My Twitter privileges have been revoked, yet once again, but it was a unanimous decision. They don't realize how it was preventing my breakdown, how something as insignificant as a social network held me up..and yes, I realize how pathetic it seems as I read what I've typed, but that's me. Writing gives me solace, & it's being taken away from me.

Instead of giving me any comfort, they're tightening the noose around my neck. Good enough, I suppose. Pretty much fed up at this point of my own existence. Seems like I'm the root of all evil; kill me already, please. No, I'm not suicidal. 

Okay, 'nuff said. I was only going to post what I wrote today morning, not vent out frustrations. I love my blog; sadly, it's the only thing that's been around when the only place I've wanted to be is in my grave. It keeps me together; prevents me from lashing out on those who pull me apart. 

Oprahs & Dr Phils of the East, keep your grubby paws off my blog, honestly. Go revel in your little bubble of happiness, where nothing goes wrong, and let me wallow in self-pity. Yes, in short..

F*** off. 

I'm awake, but I'd like to fall asleep forever. I cannot take the pain in life, I've become. Tears now fail to wash the messy turmoil my heart's in. I blindly gave myself away completely, without assessing my losses.

What I say or do holds no worth; I should have held on to myself, so I would've had one less a conflict to deal with today. Instead, all I have is the bitterness of failure, lacing my tears. All I have is a heartache, and doubts tightening around my neck, suffocating me like a criminal on death-row. 

I can't sleep forever, but I can pretend. Just like I pretend to be happy. I've perfected pretense well enough to fool myself into believing everything's alright, when it clearly isn't..

When you end up crying yourself to a troubled sleep, nothing's right. When you wake up in tears, and spend the entire day holding them back, only to let them flow when your head hits the pillow..

You realize you've lied to, & cheated NO ONE, but YOURSELF.

Update Overdue?

Salam 3lykm,

It's been ages, eh? I've not been up to much, really..just incredible madness. Everything is just a blur, to be quite honest. I've stayed away from writing, because I've been swept over by tsunami-like waves of emotions over the past few weeks..all my writing would have been depressing. And I do enough complaining and whining in real life, to put it out on my blog, too ._."

I miss tweeting. It was the only place where I could confidently say, "I made it on my own." Otherwise, in real life..I'm where I am because I'm the daughter of so and so, or the sister of so and so, or now..the daughter-in-law/wife of so and so. But on Twitter, it was just me: um3awas. I wasn't living in anyone's shadow, like I do in reality.

I won't deny it; certain tweets did depress me, and I couldn't tolerate the sarcasm and mockery being thrown about. So, I'm oversensitive; sue me. But overall, I loved being able to regurgitate life within 140 characters. I loved the rare, positive snippets that brightened up my timeline..but it's the absolutely unexpected, tearful smiles that I was blessed with..which made Twitter priceless.

Most of all, I miss my 'Lovebugs'. Although most the names have disappeared from my goldfish memory, I remember various discussions I had via tweets or direct messages. I remember a lot of the shout-outs and 'FFs'. I remember the inspirational quotes which still help me make it through life's crazy downs. Ahh, I miss seeing UberSocial's notifications on my screen.:')

It's a ginormous sacrifice..and life's circumstances don't make it any easier, unfortunately. Resisting the temptation of signing up again is getting increasingly difficult, really..sometimes I think I might have to shut down my gmail account, to prevent signing up. But then, I'd lose my blogging privileges. Not to mention, my Youtube account.

Bleh. Pray for me y'all..I need your prayers more than ever now. Life uncertainties can be really draining, unfortunately. I know life was never meant to be a bed of roses; I know it's merely a ginormous test that we'll all either pass or fail..but I'm losing all motivation to go on...totally exhausted. I'm not suicidal or anything, mind you. I've not even lost hope..I'm just..err..what's the word I'm looking for..?

'Stagnant'.

And for all those who can't help but wonder..yes, wedding preparations are in full-swing, but no..the date's not yet decided. And no, I haven't the slightest idea when I'ma pull out of 'bridal' mode, and finally settle into 'live-in wifey'.

Keep smilin'.

Tamed

Salam 3lykm,

Here's something I wrote after Fajr; ironically, I was thinking I'd take a break from writing for a while. Oh well..I leave you with, 'Tamed'.

Every tear that meets its untimely demise on my lips, burns with the agony of being kept away from you. Every heartbeat is a reflection of the yearning that's thawed a heart once steel-cold. Fingertips gently trace the path once taken by your lips, reviving vivid flashbacks of passionate, timeless encounters..

Once-soulful eyes now ablaze with lust, as they take in the shapely form that lies before them. Hair tousled, limbs intertwined, short breaths quickening their pace in a symphony only lovers could comprehend..

Fulfillment. Heart, body, and soul satiated, left 'tamed' after having tread a path of tasteful wildness, contained behind cautiously closed doors. 

Perfection

Salam 3lykm,

Here's something I wrote last night.. Evidently, I need a new way to begin my posts! I think it's now become pretty apparent that I tend to write at night, when everyone's asleep. The question is, does that mean I'll be off blogging after I move in with Bu3awas? Only time will tell. I leave you with, 'Perfection'..

The thought of losing him, has tears streaming down my face before I even realize the thought's resurfaced once again. I can't bear it for a fraction of a second, let alone a second. Yes, we were total strangers, fated to sign off our lives to each other, but I suppose somewhere after the whole process..I happened to fall head-over-heels in love. 

I became who I am, for him..I would lose myself completely, and wouldn't give a damn about being found. It's true..there are no means to measure how much love your heart contains for someone but get this: my heart fails to contain it..hiding it is absolutely impossible! With all his quirky flaws, he's just..the only one for me. 

 Without them, he'd be perfect..and hell, 'perfect' would be too good to be true. Perfection is not something I'd ever want to pursue; perfection's merely an illusion, created by those looking for the ultimate escape. Why would I ever want to find an escape..from Heaven?

Despite all the regret, pain, tears, frustration, and fears..I would NEVER want, NOR love another. 

Change

Salam 3lykm,

Ugh, down with what seems like the flu. Couldn't breathe properly last night, because my nose was blocked, & I can't sleep unless the covers are pulled up over my head..so I ended up writing again. You can tell my thoughts were all scrambled up, but guess what? Not only did I manage to fall asleep til 530AM, but I also found the piece quite therapeutic. Feeling very light-headed as I type, so let's get on with it, shall we?

As I stand before the mirror, I fail to recognize the girl staring back at me. People said I would change, but I vehemently denied it. Why would I let a total stranger change me?!

My husband changed me. Everyday, I let go of yet another piece of me, in exchange for his happiness. I'm not 'selfless' at all; in fact, I do it for myself, really. His happiness brightens up my life, and sculpts my Hereafter. Totally selfish. 

It can become quite a struggle, and I'll admit..I'm scared. Hell, I'm terrified of starting a new life together. I'm known to give in to denial, turn around, and shut the world out. I'm known to resort to the solace I find in isolation. But my worst fear is giving up. 

It's beautiful now, al7mdlla..absolutely befuddled by marriage at this stage. But..isn't everyone? It's just the beginning. Will I be able to make the same claim, a few years down the line? This is what terrifies me.

..Then again, my Creator knows what is best for me, and it's comforting to realize my marriage is a big leap of faith. It leaves me knowing my Sustainer won't leave me stranded..

Arranged or not, my marriage is meant to be.