Letting loose

Salam 3alykm,
Been a while since I last blogged, and last night I wrote a poem. I don't know whether I should include it here, because this place has now become 'public'...can't even blog my feelings here now. It has nothing to do with Islam..just a few questions that relentlessly haunt me. I've been doing pretty well al7amdulillaah. No more stages of depression, no more nights laying wide-awake crying...al7amdulillaah everything's going good! Ever since I took that last decision, life has been great! Of course, Shay6an tries to pull me away, trip me over MANY times, but the sucker doesn't know I'm suctioned to the ground for now!(H):p However, I must admit...I watched 3 movies 'til now :( which is probably a reason why I feel so whacked out. I didn't know that I could still write 'lovey-dovey/heartbreak' poems! Anyway, regarding the last and FINAL decision, some of them didn't like it at all, and tried to protest. Others took it personally, and quietly walked away. It was for the best, anyway.

I've become socially dead. I had a sorta 'net-life', the kind that all Losers On-Line have...but now I've just isolated myself. It feels better; no more fights to worry about, no more experiences that lift my hopes and slam 'em down to the ground. Woohoo, I'm celebrating loserdom.

Grandad's a real fighter...love the guy! I can't bear the thought of not having him around anymore, it just makes the world blurry every time. Every time I ask him "How you feelin' today?" he says: "I'm fine al7amdulillah." He doesn't talk much anymore, just a few words now and again. When he says those words, " My....Heart...Sinking " and looks around frantically, it just breaks my heart all over again. He's hooked on to this machine that displays oxygen levels and heart beat...numbers are perfect. What's going on? I have no idea...

My feelings? Only I know...and no one could understand. I've given up trying to talk to people; they only make it worse. Not their fault, it's mine...cuz I can't express myself clearly anymore. I just wish I'd stop trusting others blindly! It's gotten me into a lot of problems, some which I can't forget for as long as I live. There should be this 'erase' button which I can hit....wipe out my history.

A question which I'd love answered: Is there anyone out there who I genuinely mean the world to? Everyone says ' I love ya' and all that mushy stuff..but who really, truly means it? I guess I'll just have to die to find out.

Here's the poem..un-cut, raw, the real deal. For those who are thinking "OMG, what's she talking about?" Gimme a break. This post is not for your entertainment, it's for my therapy. I know it's wrong to write 'unIslamic' poems, but I'm sorry..I'm not perfect. I can't be miss m6aw3a 24/7, and for those who think this is hypocrisy, Allah ysaam7km. I'm just someone who's trying to figure life out before it smacks her in the face.

How can you hate someone who made you feel loved, even if it was all a lie?
How can you forget someone who tore you apart, merely in the blink of an eye?
How can you not think of someone who's love you thought you had gained?
How can you teach yourself to ignore all the inflicted pain?
How can you cease the tears that endlessly do flow?
How can you clear the history & let everything go?
How can you stop asking yourself questions, those that make you cry?
How can you stop hurting yourself and accept reality, rather than deny?
Teach me the answer to all these questions, please
But do it quick, before my breathing begins to cease