Survivin'

Salam 3alykm,

Had I known divorcing forums & MSN would've been so beneficial, I would've done it AGES ago! Anyway, I just noticed the day today...I thought I wouldn't be able to get through October this year, cuz of the memories, but turns out Oct 2007 was worse! I've started going in his room now, but only cuz the mirror's there...can't bring myself to look at any of his things! I can't help remembering the memories he's left us with; sometimes it helps pretending he's still in the hospital...

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So I told mama a lot of what she'd missed regarding my uneventful life couple a days ago; she actually guessed it! She looked really worried when I confirmed her doubt, so I told her I didn't have any hopes at all. I don't really; it was all just a miscalculation born from confusion on both parts, that's all. What sucks is though, I just realized NOW what month we're in..Nov. Tryin' to get rid of the memories that push through annoyingly...stiiill tryin'..

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Argh, it's so goddamn HARD! The thought is soo tempting, but I made myself proud couple a days ago..I HAD to do it; couldn't go on faking something like that! It actually is existent, but not under those circumstances, NO FRIGGIN' WAY. Someone told me I'm heartless couple a days ago, and the funny thing is...I couldn't deny it. Yeah, heartless..

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I now feel like an outcast in uni too..hate it, hate it, hate it. I'm not paranoid...I'm just unwanted. Plain & simple; U-N-W-A-N-T-E-D. I thought maybe I'm at fault, but naah...I can never fit in with the rest of them. It's all good...I'm survivin'. They suggested using my miserable voice for Cultural Day...I'm thinkin' of pulling out. Can't be responsible for the nightmares all the guys will have after that night, uh uh; specially the VIPs. Besides, I don't wanna have anything to do with any damn love stories; I've seen too many hearts break for fake love. I'd rather jump in with a buncha great white sharks.

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I'm noticing my posts are increasingly becoming irrelevant to Deen as the days go by. I'm tired of all the blame & controversies; layin' low from now on..

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Latest news? My bed broke, so now I'm sleeping on the floor. It's not fair; I certainly as hell didn't have anything to do with it, so why am I on the floor?! Oh well, it's all good; so damn worn out, I KO as soon as my head hits the pillow. Oh, Nadz came over today...and we had a blast! Her quote " There aren't a lotta people I know that deserve you" had us both laughing like escapists from a mental asylum. The quote makes me feel like a bloody curse, lol. The best part of the day was her mental image of my future husband, & our 'mansion'. According to her, I'm marrying some melt7y guy, who has girlie eyes, LOL. OH, shes definitely not coming anywhere remotely close to me with make-up! I already told her she's not doing my hair on my wedding..not unless my husband wants a PUNK as a bride! However, she's free to design my home...on her expense!:p Aah, love the ol' girl...my sister from another mother...<3

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I'm randomizing...and it feels good. I'm feelin' really tired now...dammit! Another memory of the 'doomed' days of 2006 just flashed by. Anyway...hopefully I'll crawl up & die sometime before 2008; do the world a major favor! God...I've hit the climax of loser-dom.