F***ing Tired

What the hell am I expected to do? I've tried..Wallah el3'6eem I've tried to turn all happy-go-f***ing-lucky, but there's a limit to everything. I've tried to swallow my 'anger'; tolerate the BS that's being thrown my way every f***ing day. I've tried to be this cheerful TWIT who takes life one day at a time. I'm f***ing tired of trying.

I can't sit with my PC the way I f***ing want to. I can't keep my room the way I want to. I can't go out. I'm expected to live like a f***ing hermit, and do what he wants like a robot with no f***ing brains. I've tried to live with his ridiculous 'WIFI goes off when I sleep' rule; I've stomached his BS for too long.

The way he keeps turning down proposals for no f***ing reason..I'm never going to get out. Suicide is an option I have to rule out, because it's not permissible. I don't want to work because this is supposed to be a f***ing break for me, but no...ruin my life to the MAX, why don't you?

He wanted a GPA which was above 3.5, I gave him a 4.0 - what the hell did it give me? NOTHING. He hasn't even BOTHERED to pick up the f***ing degree, yet. What did I slave around for? NO-F***IN'-THING. I've become socially inept thanks to the whole 'no friends' deal..again, all thanks to him. I don't even have any f***ing choice, and when I'm given one, I don't know what to do because he's controlled every walk of our lives.

I can't sleep 'til after Fajr; at least I pray my Fajr on time..but does he see that? NO. He sees that I wake up at 1PM which nearly every freakin' teenager does in this world, but he doesn't see that, oh no. He doesn't see that girls my age pack into SUVs and head to the malls for hang outs, and burn holes in their Daddies wallets..no no. He sees NONE of that.

He only sees me attached to my phone/PC all day, and now he doesn't like it. So its gotta stop. F*** what he sees and what he sees. If he'd given me my life, and not placed the retarded restrictions, I would've turned out to be a NORMAL person. If he'd not mentally f***ed us all up in the head, I wouldn't have been this antisocial HERMIT I am right now.

God knows I've tried to change...but it's so f***ing hard to hold myself together when everything around me is the f***ing same. Every now and again, I get the urge to add to my failed attempts at my life. At least that keeps me busy, right? At least, I then have something else to do then stay at my phone/PC, which btw..means nothing.

I wish I could say I had a 'Net Life' at least but nope. That's how f***ing great my social life is. Socially D-E-A-D. Literally. It takes for you to be a 'bad girl' to get the attention, and I'm not going down that low lane ever again. It takes for you to trash your morale; even then, you're nothing but a loser. You pile all those sins on your head, and on youm el Qiyamah, everyone will just walk away. You face the torment ALONE.

I'm turning 22, dammit..treat me like an adult. I'm NOTHING in this house; I'm put down FLAT-OUT in front of my 6 yr old sister. I'm mocked relentlessly, and if I speak out against it, I'm silenced. If I'm such a f***ing low-life, then why am I even alive? I do realize that the world will now get to know what a low-life I am once this is up..but you know what? I'm tired of frontin'.

This is ME. Take this and blow it up, announce it to the world that I am..in reality...at the lowest of the low, and the 'happy' front is nothing but BS. I don't care anymore. My own family doesn't consider me as anything, why the hell should I expect any better from strangers?

If I sound like just another ungrateful girl out there, live one day of my life and you'll know never to judge me. Money doesn't buy you happiness. It's suffocating. Sure, I could be wearing the most expensive shit out there, but then being told that again and again just tells me I'm cheaper than what I wear. Things were made for me, not VICE VERSA.

The price of all this fancy shit is being told over and over again...how expensive it is, and how I don't deserve it. Yes. That's what money does to you. It makes you heartless. It enslaves you, and it steals away your happiness and content. I'm threatened every f***ing day; "I'll take this off you, or that off you." Go f***ing take it already; please don't mentally abuse me everyday..it's endless.

I have nothing in this world, and I have nobody. I f***ing qualify for 'The Biggest Loser in the Universe' Award people. Whoever has it, pass it up..it's MINE.