Salam 3alykm,
The title says it all - I'm literally ready to beat the sh** out of someone. First, I was worried, then upset, now...I'm just raving MAD. How long does it take to type one word of acknowledgment that you've reached safely somewhere?
I'm glad I'm leaving on the 31st...NO CONTACT with anyone except my Dad, Inshalla. I really hate the fact that people complain I don't make time for them in my life...when I do THE BEST I can, juggling EVERY aspect of my damn life! Turns out, they don't know how to RECIPROCATE.
The fact that I've bitten my nails so far down to the nail-bed ain't helping either, cuz now THAT just HURTS! I HATE life right now...SO VERY MUCH. That's something for my haters to feel good about - they can sleep peacefully tonight, knowing I'm pretty much MESSED up right now!
I feel merciless & heartless right now - stone cold. I'd like to hurt someone really bad..pierce their heart...ARGH..but that's against Islam. *Sighs in frustration*
I'd like to thank my readers for their great support - dropping off the face of the Internet -.- or at least, my blog! I guess that's aiight, cuz - from the looks of it - for the next couple of days, I'm going to be venting off anger...not something y'all should be interested in, really.
This is enough for now..I can't think of anything else to say. Gone are my days of LOOOOONG posts..unfortunately. Writing helps, but even that is slipping outta my grasp. WOOHOO.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
المتروك
Salam 3alykm,
I'm back with another one, but this time..US authorities ain't gon' like it. They say we have the 'Freedom of Speech' though, eh? Ain't that what 'Lady Liberty' is all about? :p
I'm a 19 year old girl, living in her parents' home..and if anyone has a problem with what I blog, close your eyes. Besides, anyone pointing a gun to your head and forcing you to read what's on my mind? Naah, and after all...it's a 'free' world!
As long as people badmouthing Islam, it's all good - but it's high time the tables were turned.
حسبي الله و نعم الوكيل
This poem is titled ' Al Matrook' & you'll see why in the end ^_^
O you who strays away from Jihad!
Are your worldly possessions dearer to you then your Deen?
Why do you not help raise the sacred flag?
High up in the skies, by all to be seen
O you unfortunate one, why do you deny yourself the Eternal Reward?
Or are you under the misconception that the time has yet to come?
If you die in wait, with what face are you going to stand before your Lord?
When you are questioned about those innocent ones who were bombed
O you foul-mouthed one who speaks ill of Mujahideen!
Rest assured, their ranks in Jannah constantly increase
If in doubt, pick up & read carefully Al Kitab Al Mubeen
& learn that forgiven are they for shortcomings in their deeds
O you who has been fooled by عدو الرحمن!
You sit in the fear of the قردة و الخنازير
Growing is your hatred for Al Qaeda & Taliban
Those who follow the Sunna of السراج المنير
The Muslim Ummah has been deafened
By listening to Shay6ani tunes
They can't hear the screams & cries of the imprisoned
Or the warnings of the Day of Doom
Watching the filth broadcasted worldwideThey have been blinded successfully
They know not about detention centers, or what happens inside
To innocent Muslims of all ethnicities
Till when will this deliberate ignorance prevail?
How long should we watch Ummat Mu7ammad being humiliated?
Why are *so-called* Muslim countries throwing valuable Mujahideen in jails?
Till how long will this INJUSTICE be tolerated?
MATROOK - The Muslim prisoners abandoned in jails
MATROOK - Jihad: The 'condemned by most' obligation
MATROOK - The innocent on whom Kuffaars' ظلم prevails
MATROOK - Traders of Shuhadaa's ranks for worldly possessions
Wes Salam 3alykm wa Rahmatullahi T3ala w Barakateh
I'm back with another one, but this time..US authorities ain't gon' like it. They say we have the 'Freedom of Speech' though, eh? Ain't that what 'Lady Liberty' is all about? :p
I'm a 19 year old girl, living in her parents' home..and if anyone has a problem with what I blog, close your eyes. Besides, anyone pointing a gun to your head and forcing you to read what's on my mind? Naah, and after all...it's a 'free' world!
As long as people badmouthing Islam, it's all good - but it's high time the tables were turned.
حسبي الله و نعم الوكيل
This poem is titled ' Al Matrook' & you'll see why in the end ^_^
O you who strays away from Jihad!
Are your worldly possessions dearer to you then your Deen?
Why do you not help raise the sacred flag?
High up in the skies, by all to be seen
O you unfortunate one, why do you deny yourself the Eternal Reward?
Or are you under the misconception that the time has yet to come?
If you die in wait, with what face are you going to stand before your Lord?
When you are questioned about those innocent ones who were bombed
O you foul-mouthed one who speaks ill of Mujahideen!
Rest assured, their ranks in Jannah constantly increase
If in doubt, pick up & read carefully Al Kitab Al Mubeen
& learn that forgiven are they for shortcomings in their deeds
O you who has been fooled by عدو الرحمن!
You sit in the fear of the قردة و الخنازير
Growing is your hatred for Al Qaeda & Taliban
Those who follow the Sunna of السراج المنير
The Muslim Ummah has been deafened
By listening to Shay6ani tunes
They can't hear the screams & cries of the imprisoned
Or the warnings of the Day of Doom
Watching the filth broadcasted worldwideThey have been blinded successfully
They know not about detention centers, or what happens inside
To innocent Muslims of all ethnicities
Till when will this deliberate ignorance prevail?
How long should we watch Ummat Mu7ammad being humiliated?
Why are *so-called* Muslim countries throwing valuable Mujahideen in jails?
Till how long will this INJUSTICE be tolerated?
MATROOK - The Muslim prisoners abandoned in jails
MATROOK - Jihad: The 'condemned by most' obligation
MATROOK - The innocent on whom Kuffaars' ظلم prevails
MATROOK - Traders of Shuhadaa's ranks for worldly possessions
Wes Salam 3alykm wa Rahmatullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Monday, June 30, 2008
A Drug Addict
Salam 3alykm,
I'm back with another poem I just wrote right now. Mind you, I'm no druggie; I don't even take medicines when I NEED them, let alone practice self-medication! -.- I'm just writing random stuff - don't know where it's coming from..
At least I know that I can still write, irrespective of the quality -.- My 'poetic-ness' is a little rusty, if I may say so myself, but at least it has stuck around!
These are the thoughts of a drug addict, whose 'stock' is down to nearly nothing - the person feels like his/her world is about to end, as he/she can't think of an immediate alternative. Because the person knows very well that he/she is addicted and is at the mercy of these drugs, he/she tries to quit them...at first. Withdrawal symptoms kick in, making him/her feel utterly helpless - he/she can't do anything about it...but take more.
'Nuff said - here you go:
Is this just another mistake I've made?
Or am I just really paranoid?
Have the foundations really been laid?
Or am I the victim of a plan that's been ployed?
I tell myself I'll make through this once again
Yet, I know these are empty words meant to console
I have felt and endured the excruciating pain
Living a life stripped of both heart and soul
Will there be anyone to blame but myself
After everything has come to an end?
And will I be betrayed by my health
As deep down the spiral of depression I descend?
Once again, I'm but a victim of my mind
As it plays it's vicious games to deceive me
Is there any drug out there of the kind
That will block out reality, and not fail me?
I REPEAT: I'm NOT a DRUGGIE! >.<
Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3aala w Barakateh
I'm back with another poem I just wrote right now. Mind you, I'm no druggie; I don't even take medicines when I NEED them, let alone practice self-medication! -.- I'm just writing random stuff - don't know where it's coming from..
At least I know that I can still write, irrespective of the quality -.- My 'poetic-ness' is a little rusty, if I may say so myself, but at least it has stuck around!
These are the thoughts of a drug addict, whose 'stock' is down to nearly nothing - the person feels like his/her world is about to end, as he/she can't think of an immediate alternative. Because the person knows very well that he/she is addicted and is at the mercy of these drugs, he/she tries to quit them...at first. Withdrawal symptoms kick in, making him/her feel utterly helpless - he/she can't do anything about it...but take more.
'Nuff said - here you go:
Is this just another mistake I've made?
Or am I just really paranoid?
Have the foundations really been laid?
Or am I the victim of a plan that's been ployed?
I tell myself I'll make through this once again
Yet, I know these are empty words meant to console
I have felt and endured the excruciating pain
Living a life stripped of both heart and soul
Will there be anyone to blame but myself
After everything has come to an end?
And will I be betrayed by my health
As deep down the spiral of depression I descend?
Once again, I'm but a victim of my mind
As it plays it's vicious games to deceive me
Is there any drug out there of the kind
That will block out reality, and not fail me?
I REPEAT: I'm NOT a DRUGGIE! >.<
Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3aala w Barakateh
Sunday, June 29, 2008
The Silent Murderer
Salam 3alykm
Well, well, well...what do we have here? Yep, I'm back with a poem that I wrote a few minutes ago. Today...I was completely messed up inside for some unapparent reason, and the second I finished writing this, I was back to normal again..Al7amdulillah. I guess I just needed to throw the feelings out, eh? *This poem is based upon a true event*
Nothing impressive, I know I've written better...but with this, I announce the end to my 'writer's block'! *And that is some sort of a relief*
She closes her eyes, forcing herself to sleep
Trying to fight away her insecurities & fears
In comparison, her attempt seems to be weak
She tastes failure in the saltiness of her tears
Her mouth feels parched as her throat burns
A throbbing headache initiates a wave of nausea
The taste of bile makes her stomach churn
As she's mercilessly attacked by all her phobias
Her ribs ache as she struggles to breathe
Desperation throws her blanket off
She's hot & sweaty, despite AC settings meant to freeze
Which on other days prove to be more than enough
Unable to tolerate anymore, she sits up in bed
Greeted by the pitch darkness that surrounds her
...And all this resulted from the thoughts in her head
The one, silent & undetected murderer
With this, I bid you all GOOD NIGHT!
Wes Salam 3alykm w Ra7matullahi T3aala w Barakateh
Well, well, well...what do we have here? Yep, I'm back with a poem that I wrote a few minutes ago. Today...I was completely messed up inside for some unapparent reason, and the second I finished writing this, I was back to normal again..Al7amdulillah. I guess I just needed to throw the feelings out, eh? *This poem is based upon a true event*
Nothing impressive, I know I've written better...but with this, I announce the end to my 'writer's block'! *And that is some sort of a relief*
She closes her eyes, forcing herself to sleep
Trying to fight away her insecurities & fears
In comparison, her attempt seems to be weak
She tastes failure in the saltiness of her tears
Her mouth feels parched as her throat burns
A throbbing headache initiates a wave of nausea
The taste of bile makes her stomach churn
As she's mercilessly attacked by all her phobias
Her ribs ache as she struggles to breathe
Desperation throws her blanket off
She's hot & sweaty, despite AC settings meant to freeze
Which on other days prove to be more than enough
Unable to tolerate anymore, she sits up in bed
Greeted by the pitch darkness that surrounds her
...And all this resulted from the thoughts in her head
The one, silent & undetected murderer
With this, I bid you all GOOD NIGHT!
Wes Salam 3alykm w Ra7matullahi T3aala w Barakateh
Friday, June 27, 2008
Back from the 'Dead'!
Salam 3alykm,
Lol, been a while, hasn't it? Have I been missed?:p
Life's just been keepin' me on my toes, that's all I can say! Al7amdulillah, there's so much to be thankful, appreciative, and grateful for!
I've not been writing lately, because either I don't get the time to write, or I have nothing much to say. I have not written any poems in a LONG time now; I think I might just lose my 'talent'!
Oh, I left FB Al7amdulilah, upon my eldest brother's request - Allah yjzeeh kil5ayr fdnya wel a5ira. I wasn't using it for anything other than uni news, and the male requests were getting up my nerves. Evidently, my 'm6aw3a extreme cover' didn't help much. Sb7analla, my leaving FB made a lot of people happier, so it was all 5ayr!=D
Elmuhem, I finished 2nd year with a decent cGPA - if I may say so myself - of 3.26. It's going to take a lot of hard work to make up for my disastrous 3rd semester; critically wounded my cGPA - went from a perfect 3.5 down to a meager 3.28 >.< bes Al7amdulilah 3la kil 7aal.
3elm exams coming up soon, 2nd year finals..Inshalla 5ayr. 3mra was canceled thanks to my Dad's work; they seem to think he's the only person who doesn't need a holiday down there! Really infuriating, but 8adar Allah; Masha2a fa3al. There's definitely some 5ayr in this, even though I don't really see it yet. Flying out to Lahore on the 31st of July, and back into Dubai on 8th August...as planned for now.
Bleugh, this post seems SO bland, more like a news update!-.- I have an issue to discuss which is pissing me off these days, but I feel too worn out to type anymore..here at least!:p
So until next time, dear readers! This was just to let y'all know I'm still alive, and ain't buried 6 feet under (to your utter dismay!) :p
To those who awaited updates, sorryyyy...I'll try to write more often. And to those who were happy that I've disappeared, guess who's back? (H) :p
Lol, been a while, hasn't it? Have I been missed?:p
Life's just been keepin' me on my toes, that's all I can say! Al7amdulillah, there's so much to be thankful, appreciative, and grateful for!
I've not been writing lately, because either I don't get the time to write, or I have nothing much to say. I have not written any poems in a LONG time now; I think I might just lose my 'talent'!
Oh, I left FB Al7amdulilah, upon my eldest brother's request - Allah yjzeeh kil5ayr fdnya wel a5ira. I wasn't using it for anything other than uni news, and the male requests were getting up my nerves. Evidently, my 'm6aw3a extreme cover' didn't help much. Sb7analla, my leaving FB made a lot of people happier, so it was all 5ayr!=D
Elmuhem, I finished 2nd year with a decent cGPA - if I may say so myself - of 3.26. It's going to take a lot of hard work to make up for my disastrous 3rd semester; critically wounded my cGPA - went from a perfect 3.5 down to a meager 3.28 >.< bes Al7amdulilah 3la kil 7aal.
3elm exams coming up soon, 2nd year finals..Inshalla 5ayr. 3mra was canceled thanks to my Dad's work; they seem to think he's the only person who doesn't need a holiday down there! Really infuriating, but 8adar Allah; Masha2a fa3al. There's definitely some 5ayr in this, even though I don't really see it yet. Flying out to Lahore on the 31st of July, and back into Dubai on 8th August...as planned for now.
Bleugh, this post seems SO bland, more like a news update!-.- I have an issue to discuss which is pissing me off these days, but I feel too worn out to type anymore..here at least!:p
So until next time, dear readers! This was just to let y'all know I'm still alive, and ain't buried 6 feet under (to your utter dismay!) :p
To those who awaited updates, sorryyyy...I'll try to write more often. And to those who were happy that I've disappeared, guess who's back? (H) :p
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Update!
Salam 3alykm,
Al7amdulillah everything has been going perfectly in life, with the exception of the general 'glitches' that come up now and again. I got my laptop, which is GREAT news for me; a 3rd year BBA student (H) lol...I wanted to get the Dell Inspiron 1420 *MEGA CUTE lappie!* but unfortunately, it isn't selling in the Middle East. However, I settled for a Dell Inspiron 1525, and am over the MOON...lovin' it..LOL!
My brother keeps warning me about being attached to 'material things', but it's my first...so excitement comes naturally. I remember I was crazy about my cellphone too, at first..still am! I call it being grateful for what Ni3m Allah has blessed you with! *sounds much better that way!*
2nd year of 3elm is coming to an end, and it leaves me with a bitter-sweet feeling. Although I devoted more time to university with all the project work I had this semester, I'm really going to miss our classes :'( Inshalla, I'll be moving on to 3rd year...but the feeling will be '3ayr.
Most importantly, we now have MORE knowledge, increasing the responsibility we have on our shoulders. May Allah give us the Toufee8 to bring what we learned into practice; our 3elm MUST be reflected in our A3maal, or there is no use. As per a 7deeth:
العلم بلا عمل وبال و العمل بلا علم ضلال
I AM worried about the exams, as I did not get the 'practice' that everyone else got. I barely did the tests, and my first-terms were written without studying >.< So, I miserably flunked Na7w, but Sb7analla, got a 97/100 in 7deeth; و هذا من فضل ربي
I've started U9ool el Fi8h from SOMEWHERE Al7mdulillah, but I still find it really confusing...the URDU bit! Reading the 3bara is fine, wel7amdulillah. Made up for whatever I missed in Fi8h - و هذا من فضل ربي Na7w is hmm...okaaayyy...not so great, also because of the Urdu explanations! I think Urdu will FOREVER remain a problem with me, because it IS giving me a HARD time. Al7amdulillah, my reading skills have improved GREATLY, though. *But I guess that's only because my Arabic reading skills have had a mark improvement, too!*
Anyway, it's kinda late..gotta turn in for the night! Yeah, I have also become a chicken from an owl since uni finished! I'm SO grateful that we have NIGHT for SLEEPING. Still have a problem with getting up for Fajr, though >.< Inshalla may9eer illel5ayr..
Take care Readers,
Wes Salam 3alykm w Ra7matullahi T3aala w Barakateh
Al7amdulillah everything has been going perfectly in life, with the exception of the general 'glitches' that come up now and again. I got my laptop, which is GREAT news for me; a 3rd year BBA student (H) lol...I wanted to get the Dell Inspiron 1420 *MEGA CUTE lappie!* but unfortunately, it isn't selling in the Middle East. However, I settled for a Dell Inspiron 1525, and am over the MOON...lovin' it..LOL!
My brother keeps warning me about being attached to 'material things', but it's my first...so excitement comes naturally. I remember I was crazy about my cellphone too, at first..still am! I call it being grateful for what Ni3m Allah has blessed you with! *sounds much better that way!*
2nd year of 3elm is coming to an end, and it leaves me with a bitter-sweet feeling. Although I devoted more time to university with all the project work I had this semester, I'm really going to miss our classes :'( Inshalla, I'll be moving on to 3rd year...but the feeling will be '3ayr.
Most importantly, we now have MORE knowledge, increasing the responsibility we have on our shoulders. May Allah give us the Toufee8 to bring what we learned into practice; our 3elm MUST be reflected in our A3maal, or there is no use. As per a 7deeth:
العلم بلا عمل وبال و العمل بلا علم ضلال
I AM worried about the exams, as I did not get the 'practice' that everyone else got. I barely did the tests, and my first-terms were written without studying >.< So, I miserably flunked Na7w, but Sb7analla, got a 97/100 in 7deeth; و هذا من فضل ربي
I've started U9ool el Fi8h from SOMEWHERE Al7mdulillah, but I still find it really confusing...the URDU bit! Reading the 3bara is fine, wel7amdulillah. Made up for whatever I missed in Fi8h - و هذا من فضل ربي Na7w is hmm...okaaayyy...not so great, also because of the Urdu explanations! I think Urdu will FOREVER remain a problem with me, because it IS giving me a HARD time. Al7amdulillah, my reading skills have improved GREATLY, though. *But I guess that's only because my Arabic reading skills have had a mark improvement, too!*
Anyway, it's kinda late..gotta turn in for the night! Yeah, I have also become a chicken from an owl since uni finished! I'm SO grateful that we have NIGHT for SLEEPING. Still have a problem with getting up for Fajr, though >.< Inshalla may9eer illel5ayr..
Take care Readers,
Wes Salam 3alykm w Ra7matullahi T3aala w Barakateh
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thru Wit Finals!
Salam 3alykm
It's been a while, hasn't it? Yeah, was all tied down this week with finals, but al7amdulillah finished 2nd year off with Business Law (H) lol..
I've been really busy these days...really REALLY busy! I won't disclose much, but let's just say...I'm the happiest I've ever been in life right now, al7amdulillah ^_^
Even so, I have my ups & downs *purely hormonal* but my general mood is ECSTATIC ;)
Anyway, I think I'm losin' touch on my 'poetic-ness' :p I won't say I didn't write anything, but I will say that whatever I wrote fit perfectly for the 'occasion' *But...it won't be shared here!:p*
This is a first..! I can't think of anything to write...! Aiight, this was just a small update to let y'all know I'm alive & kickin', and really really really really REALLY happy...possibly...for the FIRST time in my life...cuz this time...I know this happiness is for real, Al7amdulillah ^_^
Take care, Readers
Wes Salam 3alykm wa Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
It's been a while, hasn't it? Yeah, was all tied down this week with finals, but al7amdulillah finished 2nd year off with Business Law (H) lol..
I've been really busy these days...really REALLY busy! I won't disclose much, but let's just say...I'm the happiest I've ever been in life right now, al7amdulillah ^_^
Even so, I have my ups & downs *purely hormonal* but my general mood is ECSTATIC ;)
Anyway, I think I'm losin' touch on my 'poetic-ness' :p I won't say I didn't write anything, but I will say that whatever I wrote fit perfectly for the 'occasion' *But...it won't be shared here!:p*
This is a first..! I can't think of anything to write...! Aiight, this was just a small update to let y'all know I'm alive & kickin', and really really really really REALLY happy...possibly...for the FIRST time in my life...cuz this time...I know this happiness is for real, Al7amdulillah ^_^
Take care, Readers
Wes Salam 3alykm wa Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Reminiscent...
Salam 3alykm
While coming back from university a few minutes ago, a very painful memory spoiled my joyous mood on the way home. It was the first *and hopefully the LAST* time I ever cried in front of a friend. It is also the same reason that makes me cry at my stupidity, naivety, &...the most WONDERFUL mistake I ever made in my life...all because I learnt A LOT out of it...
Makes me wonder though...will I never be the same again? I was 16-17 at the time...I'm 19, going on 20 now...why the HELL can't I let go, even though I've done EVERYTHING there could be in this world to do so!?
And it's for this very reason that...I sometimes hate myself...
I know my emotions were toyed around with, I was just a game in the wrong hands...but why can't I HATE THE PLAYER??
I feel so broken right now...even drugs can't help me this time...
لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين
While coming back from university a few minutes ago, a very painful memory spoiled my joyous mood on the way home. It was the first *and hopefully the LAST* time I ever cried in front of a friend. It is also the same reason that makes me cry at my stupidity, naivety, &...the most WONDERFUL mistake I ever made in my life...all because I learnt A LOT out of it...
Makes me wonder though...will I never be the same again? I was 16-17 at the time...I'm 19, going on 20 now...why the HELL can't I let go, even though I've done EVERYTHING there could be in this world to do so!?
And it's for this very reason that...I sometimes hate myself...
I know my emotions were toyed around with, I was just a game in the wrong hands...but why can't I HATE THE PLAYER??
I feel so broken right now...even drugs can't help me this time...
لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين
Friday, April 11, 2008
Life?
Salam 3alykm
Hopefully, this should be a short post because I have 4 tests to study for; 2 related to 3elm, & 2 related to uni!
Sb7analla, Allah really works wonders! I had given up on life completely a few days ago; spent a whole day doing nothing but crying. Didn't speak at all, just sat there while the tears flowed endlessly, wondering why & when my time would come. The following day in 7deeth class, we read a 7deeth...and the part that gave me the strength to stand up & face every single challenge in this world was: اللهم لا عيش الا عيش الآخرة
SB7ANALLA! I read that, and suddenly I felt like some sorta energy had been pumped in me! Al7mdulilah, even though things are still rough, I know that this is what the world is supposed to be like...and if I want anything different, then I gotta BUILD my own A5ira by workin' on my level of Iman, & graspin' onto the Sharee3a for dear life!
So, beloved brothers & sisters...there is still time -''til the sun rises from the West' as quoted by Rasulullaah صلى الله عليه و سلم - for sincere repentance.
May Allah make it easy for all of us to stay steadfast on His Deen; Ameen.
Hopefully, this should be a short post because I have 4 tests to study for; 2 related to 3elm, & 2 related to uni!
Sb7analla, Allah really works wonders! I had given up on life completely a few days ago; spent a whole day doing nothing but crying. Didn't speak at all, just sat there while the tears flowed endlessly, wondering why & when my time would come. The following day in 7deeth class, we read a 7deeth...and the part that gave me the strength to stand up & face every single challenge in this world was: اللهم لا عيش الا عيش الآخرة
SB7ANALLA! I read that, and suddenly I felt like some sorta energy had been pumped in me! Al7mdulilah, even though things are still rough, I know that this is what the world is supposed to be like...and if I want anything different, then I gotta BUILD my own A5ira by workin' on my level of Iman, & graspin' onto the Sharee3a for dear life!
So, beloved brothers & sisters...there is still time -''til the sun rises from the West' as quoted by Rasulullaah صلى الله عليه و سلم - for sincere repentance.
May Allah make it easy for all of us to stay steadfast on His Deen; Ameen.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Nail-biting
Salam 3alykm
I'm going through a very bad stage in life right now, but anyway...Al7amdulilah. I realized today, that...ever since a very young age, I've been inflicting pain upon myself. I've always been a nail-biter, & even though I stopped on & off, I bite the skin around the nails. Yep, it sounds ultra gross, but I don't exactly eat the skin as a snack or anything. I don't realize I'm doing it; it's only when people around shout at me, I put my hand back down.
And they didn't start shouting 'til recently; so it's become a pretty bad...habit? See, the thing is..when I bite my nails, I bite them 'til the point where I draw blood. Y'all ever cut your nail(s) off so much that it hurts? Well yeah, when I nail-bite, that's exactly what my nails look like. So, I'm sittin' today..thinkin' about stuff while ripping the skin around my nails, and I don't realize that's something's wrong, 'til I see blood. THAT'S when it sorta struck me...
My hands look messed anyway, so I don't care about them not bein' 'pretty' or 'feminine'. People see my fingers and wince, and I just look at them; expression-less. I don't find anything squeamish about them, but then again...I've been workin' on my fingers for quite a long time. The only downside though, is they start bleeding all of a sudden, and I won't realize it 'til I see blood on the keyboard *happens quite often*, on my notes *yep...this one too* , or on some other surface I've touched.
I couldn't care less if men find it disgusting and/or unattractive, so telling me stuff like, 'No one will want to marry a girl with hands like yours' isn't going to make me stop. A man who marries on the basis of a girl's hands is a narrow-minded freak who I wouldn't even consider in the first place. Besides, I've seen nothing except hatred, bitterness, & depression as a result of marriage...and men? I used to say the good ones are either taken or too old; now I say, they're either ma7ram or...DEAD. 6 feet under. Most men are heartless, inhumane, egoistic CREATURES who don't give a sh** about ANYONE except themselves. Even those who claim they're 'religious'...yeah, they have their own Sharee3a...customized to satisfy their selfish wants.
I couldn't care less about what my hands look like; I love them as they are because I accomplish a LOT of work with them...as for nail-biting, I'm going through another 'stop' phase, but I'm drawing even more blood now then ever (skin ripping). Another downside is I gotta keep redoing my w'9oo2 because of the blood factor, but I guess that's cool for when I'm home...can be a slight bit of a problem at uni, though.
For those people who I've 'counseled'...please don't adopt what I DO, adopt what I SAY (when it comes to the 'depression' factor; Deen-wise, I guess I'm OK) because what I do is exactly the opposite of what I say. Soon, the tables will be turned; Y'all will be givin' ME advice on why I shouldn't give up on life, but 'til then...accept my teachings & leave me be as I am...a psychotic, nail-biter who wishes her life would cease...but then she becomes hesitant, for she doesn't know if she has enough deeds to save her from Jahannam.
I'm going through a very bad stage in life right now, but anyway...Al7amdulilah. I realized today, that...ever since a very young age, I've been inflicting pain upon myself. I've always been a nail-biter, & even though I stopped on & off, I bite the skin around the nails. Yep, it sounds ultra gross, but I don't exactly eat the skin as a snack or anything. I don't realize I'm doing it; it's only when people around shout at me, I put my hand back down.
And they didn't start shouting 'til recently; so it's become a pretty bad...habit? See, the thing is..when I bite my nails, I bite them 'til the point where I draw blood. Y'all ever cut your nail(s) off so much that it hurts? Well yeah, when I nail-bite, that's exactly what my nails look like. So, I'm sittin' today..thinkin' about stuff while ripping the skin around my nails, and I don't realize that's something's wrong, 'til I see blood. THAT'S when it sorta struck me...
My hands look messed anyway, so I don't care about them not bein' 'pretty' or 'feminine'. People see my fingers and wince, and I just look at them; expression-less. I don't find anything squeamish about them, but then again...I've been workin' on my fingers for quite a long time. The only downside though, is they start bleeding all of a sudden, and I won't realize it 'til I see blood on the keyboard *happens quite often*, on my notes *yep...this one too* , or on some other surface I've touched.
I couldn't care less if men find it disgusting and/or unattractive, so telling me stuff like, 'No one will want to marry a girl with hands like yours' isn't going to make me stop. A man who marries on the basis of a girl's hands is a narrow-minded freak who I wouldn't even consider in the first place. Besides, I've seen nothing except hatred, bitterness, & depression as a result of marriage...and men? I used to say the good ones are either taken or too old; now I say, they're either ma7ram or...DEAD. 6 feet under. Most men are heartless, inhumane, egoistic CREATURES who don't give a sh** about ANYONE except themselves. Even those who claim they're 'religious'...yeah, they have their own Sharee3a...customized to satisfy their selfish wants.
I couldn't care less about what my hands look like; I love them as they are because I accomplish a LOT of work with them...as for nail-biting, I'm going through another 'stop' phase, but I'm drawing even more blood now then ever (skin ripping). Another downside is I gotta keep redoing my w'9oo2 because of the blood factor, but I guess that's cool for when I'm home...can be a slight bit of a problem at uni, though.
For those people who I've 'counseled'...please don't adopt what I DO, adopt what I SAY (when it comes to the 'depression' factor; Deen-wise, I guess I'm OK) because what I do is exactly the opposite of what I say. Soon, the tables will be turned; Y'all will be givin' ME advice on why I shouldn't give up on life, but 'til then...accept my teachings & leave me be as I am...a psychotic, nail-biter who wishes her life would cease...but then she becomes hesitant, for she doesn't know if she has enough deeds to save her from Jahannam.
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