Murderous Love

Salam 3lykm

Reminiscent? Yes..pretty much so. Dark, as usual..my poetry has rarely seen 'light'. I leave you with my latest, "Murderous Love". Cliche, I know..for the lack of an imagination kicked into overdrive. Forgive me this time.

I merely looked at you in admiration
Never expecting you to scar my heart
You were my 'heaven-sent inspiration'
The sweet promise of a fresh start

I hadn't expected acidic retorts
I hadn't foreseen plunging into an abyss
My positive mentality you did distort
Belief in myself I chose to desist

Your hidden resentment was my demise
Bludgeoned in my heart was your name
Stifled were my wretched cries
My attempt to love you left me maimed

Comments? Criticism? You know the drill.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Anger's Fatality

Salam 3lykm,

The obnoxious delays in posts stem from the fact that I've become a tweetaholic; I need to start a 'Tweetaholics Anonymous" circle..although I doubt anyone else is as addicted as I am!x_x However, I thought it would make up for blogging, and I thought absolutely wrong. I reached a very unstable, frenzied state of mind last night, and decided I'd have to put tweeting on a hold. It was leeching on the Blogger in me. Anyway, I leave you with my latest poem, 'Anger's Fatality'.

My nerves lie frayed, mind disturbed
Your silence sounding shrill alarms
Heart confused; is this what I deserve?
Or does your inner sadist derive pleasure as you cause me harm?

Your loathsome words of hatred burn
Eyes like burning coals, menacingly aglow
Spitting venom that makes my insides churn
The beginning of your demise, albeit slow

Fangs sunken in deep, into your writhing flesh
Bloodstream defiled by the fatal infliction
Hatred's paralysis of the heart yet fresh
Followed by the vile serpent's constriction

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

An Eternal War

Salam 3lykm,
Long time, Dearest Readers..I have missed blogging. You can primarily blame Twitter, as it is serves as an easier way to vent out my anger. Seriously. Sh7alkm? Where have I been? Let's see..I'm currently in Rya'9, and will be back home in Bu '6abi tomorrow, Bi 2ithnillaah. 'Nuff said. Here's a poem I wrote in the end of January, whilst in Madinat Al-Munawwarah..I obviously can't remember the date ._. I leave you with, 'An Eternal War'.

My words may be drowned by silence
My sight blinded to hide the pain
Yet, ceases not the internal violence
Both opponents endangered - nearly slain

If I manage to maintain my composure
That's denial in its best form
My 'beast' desists from attaining exposure
Leading to an internal storm

Imprisoned and tormented; closer to the end with every beat
Opponent #1 strikes back impulsively
Sheltered by a cave; never ready to face defeat
Opponent #2's moves planned strategically

They fight my soul to its timely death
Every blow weakening its strong-hold
Ceasing their battle at my last breath
The war story of Heart VS Mind remains...
Untold.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Leave Me Be

Salam 3lykm,

I found this in my drafts, written on the 5th of January, 2011. Thought I might as well blog it, because it describes my current thoughts perfectly. I don't know why I didn't blog it then, probably because our router went out at night as usual? I don't know, but anyway..here you go..more silent reading for you guys.:P

I'm beginning to fade away into a great space of nothingness, mesmerized by the sounds of happiness around me. Entranced. I don't want to join in, for fear I will be sucked into Oblivion that devours me. Happiness blinds, and so does Love. Yet, both are like addictive drugs that eat away at your very soul.

I don't want to be led, neither do I want to be followed. I don't want to know anyone, neither do I want to be known anymore. I just want to be let go. I want peace. I don't want to live in constant fear of my future. I don't want to make anymore friends or enemies. I don't want to inflict or be inflicted by blinding pain.

PS. Now I realize why I didn't blog it; it has this 'unfinished' touch to it. Well, that's how my life currently is, innit? Unfinished.

A Lifetime Mission

Salam 3lykm

A poem I wrote...describing what I would want my lifetime mission to be, in a nutshell. تقبل الله منا و منكم صالح الأعمال

I'll retrace deeply carved wounds
Piercing carefully through the scabs
Heart staining my fingers with blood
I'll retrieve the bitter memories I have

I'll do it all to see you smile again
I'll do it all so you don't cry alone
I'll do it all so I can share your pain
Don't pretend to have a heart of stone

Your silent tears I've not yet seen
Their escape betrayed by your words
Your happiness now lies demeaned
Lovers' delirium, you deem absurd

I'll penetrate deeper into my soul
Sharing dark secrets of past shame
I'll do it all with ONE irresistible goal
Inscribing on your bleeding heart..
Allah's Name.

Remember: Allah tests us with Blessings, and Blesses us with Tests.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Inflicted

Salam 3lykm

Sh7alkm? I know I said I'll stop asking this question, but that was before I knew I had so many wonderful yet silent readers. This is a thought that just came to mind as I was finishing up a poem I started last night:

"I am but an open book that people roughly flip through, not caring whether they rip or smudge a page as they do so."

This poem reduced my mother to tears...needless to say, it was smudged beyond recognition as I wrote it last night. I had to struggle to understand what I had written, so I could complete it today. Yes, I am unbelievably sensitive, so never believe when I tell you..I don't give a damn about what people say. Because the truth is..I do. I leave you with my latest, 'Inflicted'.

Your mockery; like a burning coal
I'm trying to ignore what you say
Charred flesh; down to my soul
I promise I'll walk away someday

You don't know I've been affected
I hardly think you would even care
Resentment, your words reflected
I wanted to dissipate into thin air

Acidic retorts yet burn my soul
I know not what I said or did wrong
My happiness you heartlessly stole
Made me feel like I never belonged

I thought you were different
I thought you would reciprocate
Seems like humanity now lies stagnant
Iron-fisted to give; Needily greedy to take

I dedicate this to all those who have successfully hurt me with their mockery, and who will continue to do so, especially after coming across this post. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing me I'm still human, and susceptible to your sweet venom.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Farewell..'Til Further Notice

Salam 3lykm,

Here's something I wrote last night, after talking to Mommie-Dearest about 'life'.

A word of advice: Never tell your children they're engaged. Unless things have finalized, don't say a word to them. 'Specially not to your lil princesses. Because when their sky-high castles are torn down, so is your heart. Al7mdlla 3la kl 7aal.

I am single. I am in the prime years of my life, and I'm no longer waiting around for this charming Bu 3awas guy to sweep me off my feet like a broom. No. I'm through with that whole 'wife-in-waiting' phase. It's just too painful. Build high hopes, and eventually..I know they'll come crashing down. I'm no longer holding on to this fantasy; I'm taking the advice of several people I know, when I say, 'I'm letting go'.

What caused this change? Well, it's pointless. Why should I be this damsel in distress, waiting for her prince to come a-knockin'? I don't mean to be an airhead, but al7mdlla..I'm still desirable. Why should I tie myself down with an imaginary weight? That's what this whole fantasy is, really. Don't get me wrong..I still love Bu 3awas. And he'll know that when he comes around. But I'm pretty sure he isn't wallowing around in misery over me, so I'm done doing that!

I'm single, and until I sign an official legal document that states otherwise, I'm nothing but that. I'm still Um 3awas, but bear in mind..there really NEVER was a Bu 3awas. ;) Unless of course, you consider Imam At-Tirmidhi's Kniya. x'D

So..if you're out there 'Bu 3awas', good for you, mate. Your existence is totally insignificant to me, love..'til you sign the Legal Bond, & perhaps..put a dazzling rock on this finger. I sure as hell deserve it, for waiting this long.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Burning Desire

Salam 3lykm

I'm back with another poem; this time, you need to be a little more analytical to understand the full meaning behind it. Inclining towards premarital relationships, I decided to 'summarize' what they're all about. Some may agree; some may disagree; and some may agree to disagree - whatever you choose, it would always be nice to see a comment or two. :P

Passion looms thickly in the air
Silence betraying their heartbeats
Her fingers raking through his hair
Fragrances intoxicatingly sweet

Lips dancing together; synchronized
Tongues play-fighting in humidity
A heated embrace having long-denied
Fiery passion, masked by stupidity

Supple skin glistens under the moonlight
Her perfect curves seductively outlined
Resisting carnal desires with all his might
Ravishing her, having clouded his mind

Suddenly wary of the unwelcomed distraction
She gently pulls herself away
'Magnetism' fails to describe their sinful attraction
Deathly orbs now lustfully ablaze

Watching in anger as she slowly shakes her head
Silent tears acknowledge the ugliness of of his soul
His words, like the sand thrown upon the dead
Glowing embers, marking the birth of a 'Black Hole'

I won't add the analysis to this, as it will inhibit your perceptions. It would be great to read different analyses, so if you want..you may try to analyze this. ;D But I know you won't.:P

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

The Uncanny Savior - Suicide

Salam 3lykm

Sharing an essay I wrote as an assignment during my last semester. It was supposed to be a distressing experience, and I thought..hmm..an incident from life, shall we? Life when I took a trip to what I like to call, "The Dark Side". It did happen this way. Fortunately or unfortunately. My first suicide attempt. Nothing outta the ordinary. Shay6an takes control when you stray away from Allah.

The Uncanny Savior: Suicide

I stared ahead at the wall in front of me as I tightly pinched the bridge of my nose. Tears welled up in my eyes, as an excruciating pain surged through my heart. No one understood the turmoil I was going through. No one knew that, had I shunned this despicable life I now lived, I was going to turn back into the friendless loner I had always been. I had filled that gaping hole in my life with books; nothing could ever replace books, because reading is what had kept me from plummeting into the outstretched claws of insanity for so long. However, it was also what had led to my becoming a social misfit.

No one was witness to how I would sob my heart out until I had no more tears left to cry. Murderous thoughts began to play on my mind as I tried to push away the heartless taunting and mockery I had been throughout my years at school. I had always been the ‘extremist’; having been brought up in a strictly religious family, I had not known what celebrities were, and had no exposure whatsoever to music or movies until grade 7 or 8. Thus, I had been made fun of and shunned as a ‘religious freak’, and had been left to the mercy of the endless rows of books in our school’s library.

As the taunting got worse, I started becoming more rebellious to hide the pain. I was still a misfit, but instead of a ‘religious freak’, I turned into an outcast. I was daring, and it was not long before the tables were turned on those who would bully me. I got into a few physical fights, but save for a few cuts and bruises, came out unharmed. I was still talked about behind my back, but at least no one had the guts to come up to me and mock me. I had now donned a mask, thus becoming ‘the hypocritical freak’.

I might have been all toughened up on the outside, but I hated myself. The worst part was committing sins despite knowing clearly the punishments I would receive for them. As the self-hatred grew, I eventually went into isolation. I gradually stopped eating; everything tasted so bitter, that even the mere thought of food was nauseating. Sleep had long-deserted me, to be ‘victimized’ by the All-Vengeful: insomnia. I would keep my lips sealed, fearing that I would not be able to stop the endless flow of tears that would accompany my barely-coherent speech.

Signs of fatigue and negligence were becoming increasingly visible on my face. The telltale dark circles that had formed over sleepless nights under my glazed eyes, added to the eyesore I had become for those around me. Every day, my parents would up with a new color to describe my pallid complexion, “Yellow!”, “Purple!”, “Gray!”, while I sarcastically marveled at their ‘newly-found creativity’.

I deliberately began pushing away everyone around me; they had done nothing but added to the pain I had suffered in life, with what seemed like endless criticism then, but what I actually recognize now as genuine concern. Instead, I had spiraled down a deep vortex of depression and had surrendered to it, allowing it to slowly suck the life out of me. The sun rose and set; nights crept up over days, and days surrendered to nights, yet mine were enveloped by pitch-black darkness. It was though I lived on, only because my breathing had not yet ceased. I had become totally anti-social, repelling even the kindest person in my world: my mother. Her ‘endless nagging’ pushed me to extremes, even though it stemmed from the deep, agonizing concern of watching her daughter waste away.

My weight plummeted, as did my mental well-being. Breakdowns were nothing out of the ordinary, as I felt my shoulders being crushed under the world’s weight. As loneliness threatened to devour my insides, it was not long before I felt worthless, and –alarmingly – responsible for having driven everyone away. Consequently, my health deteriorated; my vital signs had reached a critical state. That pleased me immensely; it would only be a matter of time until I would be laid six feet under to rest. I’d not have to hear their criticism or mockery ever again. Eventually, Satanic Whispers formed shocking thoughts in my mind, and that is when I first attempted the unthinkable: Suicide.

I lifted my trembling hand to my mouth, as I tossed one pill in after another. I heard my parents’ angry voices ringing in my ears all along, “Take your medicines! You NEVER listen to what you’re told!” They wanted me to take my medicines? I would. I’d take them ALL. However, having failed to take over six pills, I secured the bottle’s lid back on in defeat. Yet, the Damned Devil was not satisfied with his efforts. Something glinted in my eye as I turned around to leave the bathroom. A blade. I reached out for it without any hesitance. It was slightly rusted, but very cool – almost soothing – to touch. How long would it take for the blood to drain out if I slit my wrists? As I positioned it on my wrist whilst steadying my hand, the metal was cold against my skin, opposed to the seemingly fiery blood that pulsated with a life of its own within. I could feel my heart beating almost violently in its confinement, as if wanting to be ‘set free’.

“Let’s go, we’re getting late for Salah!” The blade slipped between my fingers, leaving telltale signs of its presence on my arm, as it clambered on the floor. My brother’s annoyed voice resounded in my head, especially his last-spoken word. Salah. What was I doing? Why had I almost surrendered to The Damned? For what price was I selling my life to the DEVIL?!

Realization hit home hard; for a few ‘cheap thrills’, I had nearly lost my chance of entering Gardens of indescribable beauty. For merely a few years, I had done what I wanted to do, following a lifestyle contradictory to Islamic beliefs. I had listened to music; befriended the ‘cool and popular’; been rebellious to my elders; I had done it all. However, I had gained literally NOTHING out of it, except severe depression and instability. I had nearly destroyed my Hereafter for the sake of this transitory world of baseless desires and temptations. It was time to answer ‘The Call’; it was the time to turn back towards Allah.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Deceiving Perceptions

Salam 3lykm,

I wrote a poem last night, and it's not one on love this time. It has been a while since I wrote a poem expressing raw, negative feelings. I can't even remember when I wrote my last poem that wasn't related to love, lol. Merely delusional, but let me enjoy it for as long as I can. ;)

The 'shine' you see in my eyes
Has a lot of people confused
They are taken by surprise
Whilst reading my depressive views

A 'twinkle'; they term the unshed tear
Having fallen for the fake smile
Their minds have steered clear
From initial doubts of an endless trial

Some seriously question my sanity
Others put-off by my erratic mood-swings
People blow the hot air of 'Humanity'
Yet judge me for every tiny thing

Emotionally drained; pierced heart
I cower away; myself I isolate
Words: poisoned arrows I pull apart
Promising myself in vain..
"You'll recuperate."

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh