Salam 3alykm
Couple a days ago, I made a pretty stupid move, but then it's OK...I blame my high fever :p
I said some things which I didn't mean, namely, life is pretty much down-hill. NOOOO, it soooo iiis NOT! Life is beeeeaaaauuuutiiiiifuuul <3
I love life as it is now, cuz I'm starting afresh! I'm finally over whatever happened in the past, and I'm lovin' myself basically! LOL, major step for moi, but yesssss....OVER OVER OVER! Everything is just going smoothly for now, al7amdulillaah! My past is full of experiences, and I won't classify them as good or bad. Experiences. Period.
I'm turning 19 in a couple of days, and I'm dyyyiiiiing with anticipation; can't wait to see what the next year has in store for me! I hope next year's better - spiritually & religion-wise - than this year! No more subjecting myself to self-torture; one year was ENOUGH. I'm just soo happy right now al7amdulillaah! 2008..I plan to do EVERYTHING differently; and some things are just completely OUTTA my life for GOOD.
This is a short post, for ONCE! :D See, I wasn't lying when I told you I plan to do things differently! :p
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Peaceful
Salam 3alykm,
I'm happy, al7amdulillaah. It feels wonderful; my heart's at ease. I don't feel like bursting into tears 24/7, which is amazing really! I don't know what brought this change, but I've decided there's really no point in complaining about those things I don't have. Our lives are balanced; we always have something in compensation for what we don't have....and al7amdulillah I've realized that! Either that, or I'm feeling extra philosophical now :p
Yesterday, my professor said something which really made sense! We complain day & night, whether it be about our work/study surroundings, or personal lives. How does that help us? I think it just puts more stress on a person to think of all the negative aspects of life; it's tested & certified! Instead of wasting our time complaining, why don't we think of solutions to the problem?! Agreed, there are some things that don't really have a solution, but that's when you can wreck your brain trying to think of it's compensation :p
I just remembered, my mom's friend wanted me to give a small talk to a bunch'a 'teenies' for her daughter's 'sweet sixteen'. I'm supposing that passed off in the duration we had traveled, so al7amdulillah I was spared! Teens are major rebels; kudos to my parents for dealing with me while I was in the rebellious phase..I was terrible! Attire didn't really matter when it came to me; music and lack of 3ibadeh though...was at its climax! Smoking, sheesha, & drugs all disgusted me, so my parents were lucky! I remember talking to a couple of this girl's friends..lets just say Allah bestowed me with tolerance at the right time, w lillaah el7md!
I know I'm not an angel, but it really aggravates me seeing the condition of Muslims these days. Is it because I see a vague reflection of what I used to be? Wallaahu a3lam. Sometimes I think maybe I'm being a hypocrite by talking all religious, then I stop for a while. I guess it just proves that our Iman level does fluctuate! I've noticed, when I'm in the company of those way better than me, I feel really 'pious', and want to correct myself...bes youm aseer eluni, Allah yster. Half the times, I miss my prayers..end up praying them really late! I think, " ok, inshalla will sit in the masjid w read Qur2aan during my free time", bes I end up fil labs, aimlessly whiling away time! It's a sad situation walla; I wish I had someone asking me persistently 'did you pray/read Qur2aan today?' I need someone to keep warning me walla, cuz in uni, no one really cares! We all need that, and that's why they say that your company matters BIG TIME! The day you decide to befriend those people that are far away from their Deen, that's when you throw yourselves in the hands of Shay6aan! It happened with me, so I know it very well...
What hurts me the most, is missing Fajr everyday. I know my day would be infinite times better if I prayed Fajr right on time, and there's no one to blame but myself for that. I can't say that I try, because setting an alarm 2 hours before Fajr isn't enough. It's obvious if I sleep at 3 or 4, there's NO WAY I'll make it for Fajr! They say when you love someone, you'll automatically get up from the deepest sleep when they call your name; does it mean my heart is void of Allah's love?:'( Sb7anallaah, I know people who wake up right at the sound of the Athaan! Forget that, they wake up right at the time for Tahajjud..regardless of the time they went to sleep! This shows their love for Allah! How fortunate are those who spend their nights in sujood while the rest spend theirs sleeping...may Allah make me one of the former, Ameen :'(
It's now time for 39r, so I better wrap this post up. I always say, the best thing is to get married to a person who'll persuade you to do 3ibadeh at all times! At the times that their level of Iman is low, you support them & help push them towards Allah....and vice versa! May Allah bless us all with righteous spouses, Ameen.
Our future is in our hands; we can either make it or break it. But when our bodies are laid down to rest & all our loved ones walk away leaving us all alone, we reach a point of no return...no looking back. It's either a pass or fail...Jannah or Jahannam.
May Allah save us all from 3thaab el 8br, and join us all in Jannatl Firdous under his Ra7ma & ne3m, Ameen.
I'm happy, al7amdulillaah. It feels wonderful; my heart's at ease. I don't feel like bursting into tears 24/7, which is amazing really! I don't know what brought this change, but I've decided there's really no point in complaining about those things I don't have. Our lives are balanced; we always have something in compensation for what we don't have....and al7amdulillah I've realized that! Either that, or I'm feeling extra philosophical now :p
Yesterday, my professor said something which really made sense! We complain day & night, whether it be about our work/study surroundings, or personal lives. How does that help us? I think it just puts more stress on a person to think of all the negative aspects of life; it's tested & certified! Instead of wasting our time complaining, why don't we think of solutions to the problem?! Agreed, there are some things that don't really have a solution, but that's when you can wreck your brain trying to think of it's compensation :p
I just remembered, my mom's friend wanted me to give a small talk to a bunch'a 'teenies' for her daughter's 'sweet sixteen'. I'm supposing that passed off in the duration we had traveled, so al7amdulillah I was spared! Teens are major rebels; kudos to my parents for dealing with me while I was in the rebellious phase..I was terrible! Attire didn't really matter when it came to me; music and lack of 3ibadeh though...was at its climax! Smoking, sheesha, & drugs all disgusted me, so my parents were lucky! I remember talking to a couple of this girl's friends..lets just say Allah bestowed me with tolerance at the right time, w lillaah el7md!
I know I'm not an angel, but it really aggravates me seeing the condition of Muslims these days. Is it because I see a vague reflection of what I used to be? Wallaahu a3lam. Sometimes I think maybe I'm being a hypocrite by talking all religious, then I stop for a while. I guess it just proves that our Iman level does fluctuate! I've noticed, when I'm in the company of those way better than me, I feel really 'pious', and want to correct myself...bes youm aseer eluni, Allah yster. Half the times, I miss my prayers..end up praying them really late! I think, " ok, inshalla will sit in the masjid w read Qur2aan during my free time", bes I end up fil labs, aimlessly whiling away time! It's a sad situation walla; I wish I had someone asking me persistently 'did you pray/read Qur2aan today?' I need someone to keep warning me walla, cuz in uni, no one really cares! We all need that, and that's why they say that your company matters BIG TIME! The day you decide to befriend those people that are far away from their Deen, that's when you throw yourselves in the hands of Shay6aan! It happened with me, so I know it very well...
What hurts me the most, is missing Fajr everyday. I know my day would be infinite times better if I prayed Fajr right on time, and there's no one to blame but myself for that. I can't say that I try, because setting an alarm 2 hours before Fajr isn't enough. It's obvious if I sleep at 3 or 4, there's NO WAY I'll make it for Fajr! They say when you love someone, you'll automatically get up from the deepest sleep when they call your name; does it mean my heart is void of Allah's love?:'( Sb7anallaah, I know people who wake up right at the sound of the Athaan! Forget that, they wake up right at the time for Tahajjud..regardless of the time they went to sleep! This shows their love for Allah! How fortunate are those who spend their nights in sujood while the rest spend theirs sleeping...may Allah make me one of the former, Ameen :'(
It's now time for 39r, so I better wrap this post up. I always say, the best thing is to get married to a person who'll persuade you to do 3ibadeh at all times! At the times that their level of Iman is low, you support them & help push them towards Allah....and vice versa! May Allah bless us all with righteous spouses, Ameen.
Our future is in our hands; we can either make it or break it. But when our bodies are laid down to rest & all our loved ones walk away leaving us all alone, we reach a point of no return...no looking back. It's either a pass or fail...Jannah or Jahannam.
May Allah save us all from 3thaab el 8br, and join us all in Jannatl Firdous under his Ra7ma & ne3m, Ameen.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Happy, Al7amdulillaah!:D
Salam 3alykm :D
Yeah, I'm grinning like an idiot right now while typing out this post; life has suddenly taken a woooonderfuuul U-turn, Al7amdulillaah!:D My life's been absolutely GREAT starting from the end of Friday, Allah ybarek w yzeeeeeeeeed the surprises w happiness, Ameeeeeeeeeeeen :D
1. We all went to the international motor show on saturday, & I fell in love over & over again!(L)
2. I also got my NEW FONE on Saturday...a NOKIA 5700! :D It's amaaaziiin...looove my new baby(L)
3. The best thing that's happened to me: I got permission for contact lenses todaayyyyy!!! I'm sooo incrediblyyy haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppyyyy...*jumps up & down with glee*
Let's hope Bu 3eesa's not too far away either, eh?;) THAT would just send me to cloud 9! :D OMG, Nov 2007 is the BEST month of my entire life...which is sooo ironic since the end of Nov 2006 was pretty much HELLISH! Sb7anallaah, walla don't know WHAT I've done to deserve such amazing surprises, lillaah el7md wesh shekr! (L)
However, the insignificant down-side of my life is...I'm loooooooaded with uni work; I don't think I'll be sleeping much 'til the finals! However, I'm just waaaayyyy toooo happy to think about that right now :D Notice all the smileys I'm usin'?!
I'm lovin' all those who are reading this right now, LOL...yep, even if you're a stranger! Ask me for anything now, and I'll gladly execute your commands :p *Although I know the only one who actually bothers to read my blog is....LOL...*this sounds so damn pathetiiic* Me, Myself, & I =$
I could just kiss the next person who walks into my room senseless, LOL! *A family member only though!*
Aaaaaaahhhhh....life!(L) Sb7anallaah, we rarely express our feelings towards the benefits in life; all my posts are sooo friggin' depressing! I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove my...loved ones? xD OMG I'm just soo very happy for words!
Bu 3eesa should come into my life right about now, and he'll be one extremely happy guy, LOL! Cuz Um 3eesa is just knocked senseless with happiness! :D
Yeah, I'm grinning like an idiot right now while typing out this post; life has suddenly taken a woooonderfuuul U-turn, Al7amdulillaah!:D My life's been absolutely GREAT starting from the end of Friday, Allah ybarek w yzeeeeeeeeed the surprises w happiness, Ameeeeeeeeeeeen :D
1. We all went to the international motor show on saturday, & I fell in love over & over again!(L)
2. I also got my NEW FONE on Saturday...a NOKIA 5700! :D It's amaaaziiin...looove my new baby(L)
3. The best thing that's happened to me: I got permission for contact lenses todaayyyyy!!! I'm sooo incrediblyyy haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppyyyy...*jumps up & down with glee*
Let's hope Bu 3eesa's not too far away either, eh?;) THAT would just send me to cloud 9! :D OMG, Nov 2007 is the BEST month of my entire life...which is sooo ironic since the end of Nov 2006 was pretty much HELLISH! Sb7anallaah, walla don't know WHAT I've done to deserve such amazing surprises, lillaah el7md wesh shekr! (L)
However, the insignificant down-side of my life is...I'm loooooooaded with uni work; I don't think I'll be sleeping much 'til the finals! However, I'm just waaaayyyy toooo happy to think about that right now :D Notice all the smileys I'm usin'?!
I'm lovin' all those who are reading this right now, LOL...yep, even if you're a stranger! Ask me for anything now, and I'll gladly execute your commands :p *Although I know the only one who actually bothers to read my blog is....LOL...*this sounds so damn pathetiiic* Me, Myself, & I =$
I could just kiss the next person who walks into my room senseless, LOL! *A family member only though!*
Aaaaaaahhhhh....life!(L) Sb7anallaah, we rarely express our feelings towards the benefits in life; all my posts are sooo friggin' depressing! I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove my...loved ones? xD OMG I'm just soo very happy for words!
Bu 3eesa should come into my life right about now, and he'll be one extremely happy guy, LOL! Cuz Um 3eesa is just knocked senseless with happiness! :D
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sick & Tired
Salam 3alykm,
...And it's funny how I'm back again; blogging. Sitting in uni, feeling incredibly sick. My throat hurts so much that my eyes keep welling up with tears...SISSSIIIEE i know! >.<
...And it's funny how I'm back again; blogging. Sitting in uni, feeling incredibly sick. My throat hurts so much that my eyes keep welling up with tears...SISSSIIIEE i know! >.<
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I hurt my wrist right now, have this reeally bad habit of cracking my wrists. I'm happy it's the left one; won't need it much. Waiting for 7pm to come so the dreary Stats II class can start, and end at a painful 830. Last class I kept dozing off in between; I couldn't help it! I'm so KO'd at the end of the day...I need a major break!
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For some strange reason, I cried myself to sleep last night..I'm one miserable chick! It doesn't feel right, really. How can something so flawless be a curse? It just doesn't make sense! I neeeed a distraction from life badly. I'm trying to get on with life as sanely as possible, but there's very little one can do when their mind's preoccupied and under stress all the time!
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I can't believe some things people do to others in life; don't they know what goes around comes around? Anyway, looks like Dad's trying his best to get Grannie here; all she can talk about is my marriage! Sometimes I feel like a bride, as stupid as that sounds! Spoke to her today and she's like, " Why don't you look for someone? " I just laughed it off, but Mami got horrified..LOL. She thinks I'm like the rest of them; putting off marriage as much as I can. But no, I'm waaayyy different; would gladly 'leave the nest' tonight if possible! Marriage, marriage, marriage...that's all people can talk about these days! The hottest topic that people come up with when I'm around, "When you getting married, hon?" GODD!!! Does it look like I bloody know?! Seriously, I feel like a machine at times; wake up, study 3elm & then head off to uni. Study some more there, then head back home. Day in and day out...that's my routine. So anyway, Grannie's like " Your Grandad passed away, and he didn't see any of his grandchildren married." That kinda hurt...but it's not in our hands! I know he always wanted to be there to see our weddings. I remember when I was 17, he used to sit on the dinner table and plan away my marriage with my eldest bro! [Allah yj3el gabreh ro'9a min ryaa'9 eljannah...Ameen]
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2nd year on with these dreadful glasses; they're really getting on my nerves now! So, yesterday I brought up the subject of lenses again...but only ended up frustrated & nearly in tears...cuz my Dad wouldn't take me seriously! Sub7anallaah, today he calls from work & goes like, " Set up an appointment with the eye specialist in elM'3reby. We'll see him regarding your contacts!" I was dumbfounded for a minute or two, then ran around frantically trying to get an appropriate day! =D Anyway, I hope all goes well Inshalla; will be seeing the Doc next Sunday..!
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It's funny how I'm always on the verge of tears! I disgust myself; so bloody emotional! >.<>barely shed a tear, and now...the waterworks turn on by themselves! Whenever I feel frustrated & helpless, I hide away from the rest of the world...and sob my heart out..
How friggin' LAME.
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A lot of weirdness going on these days...guys calling me up, or adding me on MSN! So far, I haven't found the need to go up to big bro to get rid of 'em...I scare them away with my m6aw3a-ness. -.- Bunch'a desperados looking for a quick hook-up. Allah yhdeehm w yhdeena jmee3n
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My love just keeps growing for them by the dayyy; they HAAAAAAAAVE to be family someday! So amazingly mesmerizing!
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My throat is really killing me; without any exaggeration, I feel like my insides are enflamed, est'3firullah! I should really do something about my miserable state; I'm putting myself through unecessary self-torture. Life can be so painful at times, it's unbelievable...
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A'aight, I'm out now...heading to the masjid for some peace & tranquility. Thikrullaah is like a tranquilizer: instills peace in one's heart & erases all existing worries & hardships.
Al7amdulillaah 3la n3met el Islam <3
Friday, November 9, 2007
Survivin'
Salam 3alykm,
Had I known divorcing forums & MSN would've been so beneficial, I would've done it AGES ago! Anyway, I just noticed the day today...I thought I wouldn't be able to get through October this year, cuz of the memories, but turns out Oct 2007 was worse! I've started going in his room now, but only cuz the mirror's there...can't bring myself to look at any of his things! I can't help remembering the memories he's left us with; sometimes it helps pretending he's still in the hospital...
Had I known divorcing forums & MSN would've been so beneficial, I would've done it AGES ago! Anyway, I just noticed the day today...I thought I wouldn't be able to get through October this year, cuz of the memories, but turns out Oct 2007 was worse! I've started going in his room now, but only cuz the mirror's there...can't bring myself to look at any of his things! I can't help remembering the memories he's left us with; sometimes it helps pretending he's still in the hospital...
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So I told mama a lot of what she'd missed regarding my uneventful life couple a days ago; she actually guessed it! She looked really worried when I confirmed her doubt, so I told her I didn't have any hopes at all. I don't really; it was all just a miscalculation born from confusion on both parts, that's all. What sucks is though, I just realized NOW what month we're in..Nov. Tryin' to get rid of the memories that push through annoyingly...stiiill tryin'..
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Argh, it's so goddamn HARD! The thought is soo tempting, but I made myself proud couple a days ago..I HAD to do it; couldn't go on faking something like that! It actually is existent, but not under those circumstances, NO FRIGGIN' WAY. Someone told me I'm heartless couple a days ago, and the funny thing is...I couldn't deny it. Yeah, heartless..
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I now feel like an outcast in uni too..hate it, hate it, hate it. I'm not paranoid...I'm just unwanted. Plain & simple; U-N-W-A-N-T-E-D. I thought maybe I'm at fault, but naah...I can never fit in with the rest of them. It's all good...I'm survivin'. They suggested using my miserable voice for Cultural Day...I'm thinkin' of pulling out. Can't be responsible for the nightmares all the guys will have after that night, uh uh; specially the VIPs. Besides, I don't wanna have anything to do with any damn love stories; I've seen too many hearts break for fake love. I'd rather jump in with a buncha great white sharks.
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I'm noticing my posts are increasingly becoming irrelevant to Deen as the days go by. I'm tired of all the blame & controversies; layin' low from now on..
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I'm randomizing...and it feels good. I'm feelin' really tired now...dammit! Another memory of the 'doomed' days of 2006 just flashed by. Anyway...hopefully I'll crawl up & die sometime before 2008; do the world a major favor! God...I've hit the climax of loser-dom.
Latest news? My bed broke, so now I'm sleeping on the floor. It's not fair; I certainly as hell didn't have anything to do with it, so why am I on the floor?! Oh well, it's all good; so damn worn out, I KO as soon as my head hits the pillow. Oh, Nadz came over today...and we had a blast! Her quote " There aren't a lotta people I know that deserve you" had us both laughing like escapists from a mental asylum. The quote makes me feel like a bloody curse, lol. The best part of the day was her mental image of my future husband, & our 'mansion'. According to her, I'm marrying some melt7y guy, who has girlie eyes, LOL. OH, shes definitely not coming anywhere remotely close to me with make-up! I already told her she's not doing my hair on my wedding..not unless my husband wants a PUNK as a bride! However, she's free to design my home...on her expense!:p Aah, love the ol' girl...my sister from another mother...<3
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I'm randomizing...and it feels good. I'm feelin' really tired now...dammit! Another memory of the 'doomed' days of 2006 just flashed by. Anyway...hopefully I'll crawl up & die sometime before 2008; do the world a major favor! God...I've hit the climax of loser-dom.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Unadulterated Therapy
Salam 3alykm,
I wrote this last night, somewhere around 3am...memories turned the waterworks on, and a high dosage of caffeine kept sleep away...
*This post has been deleted..it's all history & I've started life afresh..*
I wrote this last night, somewhere around 3am...memories turned the waterworks on, and a high dosage of caffeine kept sleep away...
*This post has been deleted..it's all history & I've started life afresh..*
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Confused Views
Salam 3alykm
Yet here I am with another post, it's the only way I can de-stress. I'm not harsh, mean, or unjust unless someone does me wrong. Even then, it takes a while for the 'monster' in me to unleash. So why do I feel like a criminal?
I sat down today, and thought of all the people who hurt me in one way or another. My Mom told me something today which calmed me down; it's not for us to take revenge. Everything is in Allah's Hands, He does what He Wills. It all makes sense anyway; because those who hurt me didn't pull me down, they just made me stronger. I then thought of someone who turned my life around. Someone who made my life feel like hell once, but I have to admit, at a point in life..made me feel like the happiest girl alive. Someone who made my life seem too good to be true. Someone who then felt like the best thing ever, to happen to me. Someone who seemed flawless and perfect. It was only later when I realized, everything had changed. Things were not the way they seemed; in reality, it was all just...for show? Or...temporary...that sounds better.
Al7amdulillaah, I went through it all and learned many lessons along the way. I'm grateful...so VERY grateful to this person and always will be...and will never forget what I went through for as long as I live. Taught me a lot of things, from Deen to life. But what hurts, what brings tears to my eyes every time, what I wish I could somehow prevent, is the transformation. The transformation from good to bad, from a trustworthy & truthful person...to...a person who's hard to believe..from someone I really looked up to, to a person who I now look at as....as a 3bra *can't thing of a suitable term in English right now..* something I never want to become, something I fear..
However, something I can't understand myself, is the fact that I still keep hoping that one day, I'll wake up to find this person changed; turn over a new leaf. Start from scratch, a crisp, blank, bright-white page of a journal. Changed into something better than before! When I listen to lectures, this person pops into my mind..and I find myself teary-eyed because of listening to advices that this person once gave me. Tears stream down my cheeks because I know what's being preached isn't being practiced as it should have been. I wish I could do something to make this person change...if I could be granted one wish, a8ool WALLAAH..it wouldn't be anything else other than seeing this person strict to the Sharee3a, and a true follower of the Sunnah.
I'm not mad, deranged, or obsessed..I'm just aware of the massive tragedy that occurred. It feels as though someone died. I've been told to forget about this person many times, and although I've tried...it's very strange, but I can't. I know I can't help because my help:
1. Is definitely not wanted
2. Is useless
I was filled with anger before, because I felt helpless...I knew my help wasn't wanted, yet I still wanted to do something! I was infuriated a few days ago at all those who wronged me, and I told my Mom, 'If the people don't know my worth, why the hell should I even care about them!?' And she replied, 'By treating them the same way, there's no difference between you or them! If you don't like the way they're treating you, then treat them the way you'd like to be treated..you never know, it might make a difference. It might show them that their approach is wrong.' Upon hearing that, I quietened down.
Yet here I am with another post, it's the only way I can de-stress. I'm not harsh, mean, or unjust unless someone does me wrong. Even then, it takes a while for the 'monster' in me to unleash. So why do I feel like a criminal?
I sat down today, and thought of all the people who hurt me in one way or another. My Mom told me something today which calmed me down; it's not for us to take revenge. Everything is in Allah's Hands, He does what He Wills. It all makes sense anyway; because those who hurt me didn't pull me down, they just made me stronger. I then thought of someone who turned my life around. Someone who made my life feel like hell once, but I have to admit, at a point in life..made me feel like the happiest girl alive. Someone who made my life seem too good to be true. Someone who then felt like the best thing ever, to happen to me. Someone who seemed flawless and perfect. It was only later when I realized, everything had changed. Things were not the way they seemed; in reality, it was all just...for show? Or...temporary...that sounds better.
Al7amdulillaah, I went through it all and learned many lessons along the way. I'm grateful...so VERY grateful to this person and always will be...and will never forget what I went through for as long as I live. Taught me a lot of things, from Deen to life. But what hurts, what brings tears to my eyes every time, what I wish I could somehow prevent, is the transformation. The transformation from good to bad, from a trustworthy & truthful person...to...a person who's hard to believe..from someone I really looked up to, to a person who I now look at as....as a 3bra *can't thing of a suitable term in English right now..* something I never want to become, something I fear..
However, something I can't understand myself, is the fact that I still keep hoping that one day, I'll wake up to find this person changed; turn over a new leaf. Start from scratch, a crisp, blank, bright-white page of a journal. Changed into something better than before! When I listen to lectures, this person pops into my mind..and I find myself teary-eyed because of listening to advices that this person once gave me. Tears stream down my cheeks because I know what's being preached isn't being practiced as it should have been. I wish I could do something to make this person change...if I could be granted one wish, a8ool WALLAAH..it wouldn't be anything else other than seeing this person strict to the Sharee3a, and a true follower of the Sunnah.
I'm not mad, deranged, or obsessed..I'm just aware of the massive tragedy that occurred. It feels as though someone died. I've been told to forget about this person many times, and although I've tried...it's very strange, but I can't. I know I can't help because my help:
1. Is definitely not wanted
2. Is useless
I was filled with anger before, because I felt helpless...I knew my help wasn't wanted, yet I still wanted to do something! I was infuriated a few days ago at all those who wronged me, and I told my Mom, 'If the people don't know my worth, why the hell should I even care about them!?' And she replied, 'By treating them the same way, there's no difference between you or them! If you don't like the way they're treating you, then treat them the way you'd like to be treated..you never know, it might make a difference. It might show them that their approach is wrong.' Upon hearing that, I quietened down.
I couldn't do anything..nothing at all. I couldn't stop this person from the transformation. I was utterly and absolutely helpless in all ways; all I could do was watch. Then, all I could do was pray. I don't think I left any place or time; Tahajjud, times when ad3iya are said to be Mustajab, Rama'9an, the last 10 days...even now! My last du3aa2...even if something has to happen to this person, something like a slap to reality, then so be it! Anything that might bring this person back, firm, steadfast on Deen, let it happen! I'm still asking for this one...won't stop 'til I hear the good news I've been waiting for since aaaages! Anyway, I'm feeling kinda sad now after putting this down. I've not disclosed this to anyone before, but now it's out in the open...
I just wish I could see a sincere change one day, if not today or tomorrow =(
Al7amdulillaah 3ela kil 7aal...
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Letting loose
Salam 3alykm,
Been a while since I last blogged, and last night I wrote a poem. I don't know whether I should include it here, because this place has now become 'public'...can't even blog my feelings here now. It has nothing to do with Islam..just a few questions that relentlessly haunt me. I've been doing pretty well al7amdulillaah. No more stages of depression, no more nights laying wide-awake crying...al7amdulillaah everything's going good! Ever since I took that last decision, life has been great! Of course, Shay6an tries to pull me away, trip me over MANY times, but the sucker doesn't know I'm suctioned to the ground for now!(H):p However, I must admit...I watched 3 movies 'til now :( which is probably a reason why I feel so whacked out. I didn't know that I could still write 'lovey-dovey/heartbreak' poems! Anyway, regarding the last and FINAL decision, some of them didn't like it at all, and tried to protest. Others took it personally, and quietly walked away. It was for the best, anyway.
I've become socially dead. I had a sorta 'net-life', the kind that all Losers On-Line have...but now I've just isolated myself. It feels better; no more fights to worry about, no more experiences that lift my hopes and slam 'em down to the ground. Woohoo, I'm celebrating loserdom.
Grandad's a real fighter...love the guy! I can't bear the thought of not having him around anymore, it just makes the world blurry every time. Every time I ask him "How you feelin' today?" he says: "I'm fine al7amdulillah." He doesn't talk much anymore, just a few words now and again. When he says those words, " My....Heart...Sinking " and looks around frantically, it just breaks my heart all over again. He's hooked on to this machine that displays oxygen levels and heart beat...numbers are perfect. What's going on? I have no idea...
My feelings? Only I know...and no one could understand. I've given up trying to talk to people; they only make it worse. Not their fault, it's mine...cuz I can't express myself clearly anymore. I just wish I'd stop trusting others blindly! It's gotten me into a lot of problems, some which I can't forget for as long as I live. There should be this 'erase' button which I can hit....wipe out my history.
A question which I'd love answered: Is there anyone out there who I genuinely mean the world to? Everyone says ' I love ya' and all that mushy stuff..but who really, truly means it? I guess I'll just have to die to find out.
Here's the poem..un-cut, raw, the real deal. For those who are thinking "OMG, what's she talking about?" Gimme a break. This post is not for your entertainment, it's for my therapy. I know it's wrong to write 'unIslamic' poems, but I'm sorry..I'm not perfect. I can't be miss m6aw3a 24/7, and for those who think this is hypocrisy, Allah ysaam7km. I'm just someone who's trying to figure life out before it smacks her in the face.
How can you hate someone who made you feel loved, even if it was all a lie?
How can you forget someone who tore you apart, merely in the blink of an eye?
How can you not think of someone who's love you thought you had gained?
How can you teach yourself to ignore all the inflicted pain?
How can you cease the tears that endlessly do flow?
How can you clear the history & let everything go?
How can you stop asking yourself questions, those that make you cry?
How can you stop hurting yourself and accept reality, rather than deny?
Teach me the answer to all these questions, please
But do it quick, before my breathing begins to cease
Been a while since I last blogged, and last night I wrote a poem. I don't know whether I should include it here, because this place has now become 'public'...can't even blog my feelings here now. It has nothing to do with Islam..just a few questions that relentlessly haunt me. I've been doing pretty well al7amdulillaah. No more stages of depression, no more nights laying wide-awake crying...al7amdulillaah everything's going good! Ever since I took that last decision, life has been great! Of course, Shay6an tries to pull me away, trip me over MANY times, but the sucker doesn't know I'm suctioned to the ground for now!(H):p However, I must admit...I watched 3 movies 'til now :( which is probably a reason why I feel so whacked out. I didn't know that I could still write 'lovey-dovey/heartbreak' poems! Anyway, regarding the last and FINAL decision, some of them didn't like it at all, and tried to protest. Others took it personally, and quietly walked away. It was for the best, anyway.
I've become socially dead. I had a sorta 'net-life', the kind that all Losers On-Line have...but now I've just isolated myself. It feels better; no more fights to worry about, no more experiences that lift my hopes and slam 'em down to the ground. Woohoo, I'm celebrating loserdom.
Grandad's a real fighter...love the guy! I can't bear the thought of not having him around anymore, it just makes the world blurry every time. Every time I ask him "How you feelin' today?" he says: "I'm fine al7amdulillah." He doesn't talk much anymore, just a few words now and again. When he says those words, " My....Heart...Sinking " and looks around frantically, it just breaks my heart all over again. He's hooked on to this machine that displays oxygen levels and heart beat...numbers are perfect. What's going on? I have no idea...
My feelings? Only I know...and no one could understand. I've given up trying to talk to people; they only make it worse. Not their fault, it's mine...cuz I can't express myself clearly anymore. I just wish I'd stop trusting others blindly! It's gotten me into a lot of problems, some which I can't forget for as long as I live. There should be this 'erase' button which I can hit....wipe out my history.
A question which I'd love answered: Is there anyone out there who I genuinely mean the world to? Everyone says ' I love ya' and all that mushy stuff..but who really, truly means it? I guess I'll just have to die to find out.
Here's the poem..un-cut, raw, the real deal. For those who are thinking "OMG, what's she talking about?" Gimme a break. This post is not for your entertainment, it's for my therapy. I know it's wrong to write 'unIslamic' poems, but I'm sorry..I'm not perfect. I can't be miss m6aw3a 24/7, and for those who think this is hypocrisy, Allah ysaam7km. I'm just someone who's trying to figure life out before it smacks her in the face.
How can you hate someone who made you feel loved, even if it was all a lie?
How can you forget someone who tore you apart, merely in the blink of an eye?
How can you not think of someone who's love you thought you had gained?
How can you teach yourself to ignore all the inflicted pain?
How can you cease the tears that endlessly do flow?
How can you clear the history & let everything go?
How can you stop asking yourself questions, those that make you cry?
How can you stop hurting yourself and accept reality, rather than deny?
Teach me the answer to all these questions, please
But do it quick, before my breathing begins to cease
Friday, August 24, 2007
Ramblings of An Insomniac
Dear Sleep,
Come to me, my love, I have spread the doors open wide. Pull me in a long, loving embrace and leave me mesmerized. Whisper to me sweet-nothings so I forget all the hurt & pain that's breaking me down. Caress me, hypnotize me, make me numb so that in my misery I don't drown. Oh Sleep, why have you left my side? Why don't you wipe away these tears that I have cried? Where's your faithfulness, why have you left me all alone? Why, when you know that I'm already on my own? Come forth, let me drink the poison of your love! Take me away, I no longer have any value...I'm but a wing-less dove...
Love,
Insomniac
Come to me, my love, I have spread the doors open wide. Pull me in a long, loving embrace and leave me mesmerized. Whisper to me sweet-nothings so I forget all the hurt & pain that's breaking me down. Caress me, hypnotize me, make me numb so that in my misery I don't drown. Oh Sleep, why have you left my side? Why don't you wipe away these tears that I have cried? Where's your faithfulness, why have you left me all alone? Why, when you know that I'm already on my own? Come forth, let me drink the poison of your love! Take me away, I no longer have any value...I'm but a wing-less dove...
Love,
Insomniac
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Scrambled Thoughts
Salam 3alykm,
Been gaming all day since I came back. Al7amdulillaah everything went well, and missing everyone back there. Since last night tho, been feeling down. I don't know what to say or what to do, I just hope Allah gets this feeling away from me.
When I think of those who tried to manipulate my thoughts and integrate them into their own, I don't feel any anger towards them; they all taught me valuable lessons which will help me through-out my life. When I think of those sugar-coated knives, I smile. No, not because I'm insane, but because they let their true selves shine through. I wasn't left in the dark for very long, al7amdulillah. I'd like to know one thing though: which 7asid(a) can't bear to see me happy? Which unfortunate person prefers to see me suffering and in pain? I have a lot of enemies, I know that for sure. But my enemies are dearer to me, maybe even more than my friends. Why? No, not because I'm starking mad...but because I learn from them too.
I close my eyes for a few seconds, and my life passes me by in flash-backs, yet I rarely see the good times I've had. Is it because I'm a pessimist? I do not know. This time I went, I was told I've changed. Have I? But change is good, isn't it? Women told me: you've grown up all too suddenly; you're only 18, but you seem much older, what's troubling you?
Al7amdulillaah, Allah is el'3afoor wer R7eem; I'm at peace with myself now, at least. Even though half the time my past leaves me in tears, I know they'll dry up some time or the other, and that there is some genuine person out there who can replace them with my smile.
Al7amdulillah, I know I am blessed; I learnt that on this trip. Does it matter if people once fooled me, and had me thinking I was worth something? No, I know I was Shay6an's tool for a while; I was used to lure someone close to their Deen astray. After all,النساء حبائل الشيطان
Depression is a Ra7mah al7amdulillah, a ni3ma. Yet again, I repeat...NO, I am NOT insane; when a person falls into depression, that's usually his/her turning-point. There is no one in the world left for him/her besides Allah. Haven't you noticed? When a person is in trouble, or facing misery in life, that's when they go " Ya Allah! Please get me out of this, and I will never disobey you again!" When a calamity befalls one, then they remember, we still have our Creator.
Sub7anallah! Everything in life happens for a reason, and I take all my experiences as lessons, of which the mistakes, I try NOT to repeat again.
Look at the irony; we pray 5 times a day, and we repeat this Ayah countless times; but do we really STICK to it? إياك نعبد و إياك نستعين
You Alone do we Worship, and You Alone do we ask for Help
Sub7anallah...if that was the case, I don't think we'd still be wandering around aimlessly in the darkness that has enveloped our lives...
Come to think of it, maybe I have lost my sanity, and so can't think straight anymore. But Al7amdulillah, as long as I'm focused on my Deen, I'm happy in whatever condition My Lord wills for me to be in. I've lived both lives; one of misery and darkness, and one of peace and tranquility...ألا بذكر الله تطمإن القلوب
She has been banned in the States surprisingly, Al7amdulillah..but she continues to go around spreading fitna in Canada, as well as here, in the UAE. She is being funded well and her fitna campaign is working well, lil2asaf el shadeed. However, 3ulamaa2 in Pakistan have openly spoken against her. And she is only one example of the thousands that revel in this world, trying to tear Islam to smithereens.
A 7deeth of el7abeeb, Mu7ammad صلى الله عليه و سلم:
Been gaming all day since I came back. Al7amdulillaah everything went well, and missing everyone back there. Since last night tho, been feeling down. I don't know what to say or what to do, I just hope Allah gets this feeling away from me.
Who am I now, and what was I before? My past haunts me...it won't let me live my life peacefully. Every time I'm happy, a bitter-sweet memory brings me down...it isn't fair, but al7amdulillaah 3ela kil 7aal. I've lived a life of m3a9y, and now I'm trying to live a righteous life, but it's really hard. There are so many distractions, there are so many obstacles set by Shay6an and his army, that one begins to feel hopeless...I've fallen in their trap quite a number of times..unfortunately..A 7deeth: عن أنس رضي الله تعالى عنه قال, قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم: يأتي على الناس زمان الصابر فيهم على دينه كالقابض على جمر - رواه الترمذي و أبو داود
Makes you wonder, doesn't it? Has that time already come?When I think of those who tried to manipulate my thoughts and integrate them into their own, I don't feel any anger towards them; they all taught me valuable lessons which will help me through-out my life. When I think of those sugar-coated knives, I smile. No, not because I'm insane, but because they let their true selves shine through. I wasn't left in the dark for very long, al7amdulillah. I'd like to know one thing though: which 7asid(a) can't bear to see me happy? Which unfortunate person prefers to see me suffering and in pain? I have a lot of enemies, I know that for sure. But my enemies are dearer to me, maybe even more than my friends. Why? No, not because I'm starking mad...but because I learn from them too.
I close my eyes for a few seconds, and my life passes me by in flash-backs, yet I rarely see the good times I've had. Is it because I'm a pessimist? I do not know. This time I went, I was told I've changed. Have I? But change is good, isn't it? Women told me: you've grown up all too suddenly; you're only 18, but you seem much older, what's troubling you?
Al7amdulillaah, Allah is el'3afoor wer R7eem; I'm at peace with myself now, at least. Even though half the time my past leaves me in tears, I know they'll dry up some time or the other, and that there is some genuine person out there who can replace them with my smile.
Al7amdulillah, I know I am blessed; I learnt that on this trip. Does it matter if people once fooled me, and had me thinking I was worth something? No, I know I was Shay6an's tool for a while; I was used to lure someone close to their Deen astray. After all,النساء حبائل الشيطان
Depression is a Ra7mah al7amdulillah, a ni3ma. Yet again, I repeat...NO, I am NOT insane; when a person falls into depression, that's usually his/her turning-point. There is no one in the world left for him/her besides Allah. Haven't you noticed? When a person is in trouble, or facing misery in life, that's when they go " Ya Allah! Please get me out of this, and I will never disobey you again!" When a calamity befalls one, then they remember, we still have our Creator.
Sub7anallah! Everything in life happens for a reason, and I take all my experiences as lessons, of which the mistakes, I try NOT to repeat again.
Look at the irony; we pray 5 times a day, and we repeat this Ayah countless times; but do we really STICK to it? إياك نعبد و إياك نستعين
You Alone do we Worship, and You Alone do we ask for Help
Sub7anallah...if that was the case, I don't think we'd still be wandering around aimlessly in the darkness that has enveloped our lives...
Come to think of it, maybe I have lost my sanity, and so can't think straight anymore. But Al7amdulillah, as long as I'm focused on my Deen, I'm happy in whatever condition My Lord wills for me to be in. I've lived both lives; one of misery and darkness, and one of peace and tranquility...ألا بذكر الله تطمإن القلوب
One last, yet important request I want to leave you all with; our Deen is being distorted. People are coming up with the CRAZIEST of ways and incorporating them in Deen el7a8 lil2asaf el shadeed, and saying that we are the true Muslims, and those who don't follow these ways aren't.
عن أبي هريرة رضي الله تعالى عنه قال, قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم: يكون في آخر الزمان دجالون كذابون يأتونكم من الأحاديث بما لم تسمعوا أنتم و لا آباؤكم فإياكم و إياهم لا يضلونكم و لا يفتنونكم - رواه مسلم
I will give you one example of this; a group in Pakistan being lead by a FEMALE by the name of Dr. Farhat Hashmi. This woman has spread SO MUCH fitna around the world, it's unbelievable. She comes out with the most ludicrous fatawa, for instance: women can read the Qur'aan during 7ai'9, or women can delay their prayers if they're at a party and have make-up on. Why? Performing w'9oo2 will result in the removal of such costly make-up, which in turn will be a waste of money. YES! This is HAPPENING! She has a HUGE crowd of followers AROUND THE GLOBE!Where was she taught and by who? Glasgow University, by JEWISH professors. Recently, she is going around recommending everyone of her followers to read a Tafsir of the Qur'aan. But who wrote it? A JEW. 3fanAllaah...ِِِِِعن أبي هريرة رضي الله تعالى عنه قال, قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم: يكون في آخر الزمان دجالون كذابون يأتونكم من الأحاديث بما لم تسمعوا أنتم و لا آباؤكم فإياكم و إياهم لا يضلونكم و لا يفتنونكم - رواه مسلم
She has been banned in the States surprisingly, Al7amdulillah..but she continues to go around spreading fitna in Canada, as well as here, in the UAE. She is being funded well and her fitna campaign is working well, lil2asaf el shadeed. However, 3ulamaa2 in Pakistan have openly spoken against her. And she is only one example of the thousands that revel in this world, trying to tear Islam to smithereens.
A 7deeth of el7abeeb, Mu7ammad صلى الله عليه و سلم:
عن عبدالله بن عمر رضي الله تعالى عنهما قال, قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم:إن الله لا يقبض العلم إنتزاعا ينتزعه من العباد و لكن يقبض العلم بقبض العلماء حتى إذا لم يبق عالما إتخذ الناس رأوسا جهالا فسئلوا بغير علم فضلوا و أضلوا - رواه البخاري و مسلم
This is exactly why we should now strive to acquire knowledge about our Deen. The time to play has long gone; it is now time to work and struggle in the Way of Allah. Youm el 8iyaameh is not far away; how are we going to face Allah? We were sent down here to earn our way into Jannah, yet a lot of distractions were sent after us; after all Shay6an did take his oath, and Allah gave him the permission, in order to sift the good from the evil.
Another 7deeth:
This is exactly why we should now strive to acquire knowledge about our Deen. The time to play has long gone; it is now time to work and struggle in the Way of Allah. Youm el 8iyaameh is not far away; how are we going to face Allah? We were sent down here to earn our way into Jannah, yet a lot of distractions were sent after us; after all Shay6an did take his oath, and Allah gave him the permission, in order to sift the good from the evil.
Another 7deeth:
عن أبي هريره رضي الله تعالى عنه قال, قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم: حجبت النار بالشهوات و حجبت الجنة بالمكاره - رواه البخاري
The last 7deeth I'm going to wrap this post up with, is one of the many a7adeeth that I keep in mind 24/7:
عن أبي هريره رضي الله تعالى عنه قال, قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم:الدنيا سجن المؤمن و جنة الكافر - رواه مسلم و الترمذي
I could go on writing for ever, but this needs to close up now. Al7amdulillah I'm feeling much better than I felt when I started this post. I feel like a burden has been lifted from my heart
و هذا من فضل ربي
Requesting the readers of this blog for du3a,
السلام عليكم و رحمة الله تعالى و بركاته
و هذا من فضل ربي
Requesting the readers of this blog for du3a,
السلام عليكم و رحمة الله تعالى و بركاته
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