Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A New Dawn

Salam 3lykm,

Yesterday's post was written in bitterness, anger, & pain. Al7mdlla, I'm recuperating from my 'breakdown', or should I say, 'state of utter madness'? I heard an Islamic lecture whilst doing some household chores today, & typically, I'll admit I had a craze for lectures, once upon a time. But now, on very rare occasions would you find me listening to one; not necessarily a good thing, really.

It was on "el 7ilm" - and the story was that about 3thman bin 6al7a, Ra'9yallah 3nh. Anyway, when the scholar said, "Rasulullah صلى الله عليه و سلم was deeply saddened, & wished to spend his last moments in Makkah, his hometown, in the remembrance of His Lord.." that struck a chord. Here, I was lamenting about not 'belonging' anywhere, & being an 'illegal immigrant'; here, I was ranting about the instability that plagues the life of an expat. Yet, I'd clearly forgotten how Rasulullah صلى الله عليه و سلم was driven out of his homeland, by his own people! I'd clearly forgotten about the biggest form of instability that looms over every single living being's life: Death. 

What's the use of a visa, let alone citizenship, when the Angel of Death stands before you, ready to extract your soul? Death is inevitable, & as per 7deeth, a present for believers. Yet, its time is unknown to us. We are given reminders, as the souls of our loved ones depart from this world, one by one, but we rarely pay any heed to the fact that it is a reminder.

Yes, this house holds a lot of memories, but so does this world, doesn't it? One day, these memories won't really matter anymore. Yes, it has been over a year since I got married, but would I have learned what I learned, had we been living together from the very first night? Maybe I had to endure this stress for a good reason. Maybe someday, I'll come across someone going through the same predicament, someone who feels like this world is slowly closing up on her, & as vast as it may be, there's no room for her in it, besides 6ft under. Maybe then I'll be able to tell her, it'll all pass..& when it does, she'll realize it was truly worth it.

It is true what Rasulullah صلى الله عليه و سلم said about us women; we truly are ناقصات العقل و الدين We panic at the slightest turbulence in our lives, forgetting the reward for those who wait patiently for it to pass. At this instance, only one thing comes to mind: الحمد لله على نعمة الإسلام و كفى بها من نعمة

رَبَّنَا ظَلَمۡنَآ أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمۡ تَغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَتَرۡحَمۡنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ ٱلۡخَـٰسِرِينَ

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Still Breathin'

Salam Allah 3lykm,

It's been a while, as usual. This is going to be a post of unadulterated therapy; I have SO MUCH SHIT going on inside my head, it has all my vitals going quirky. I've yet to move in with Bu3awas; yes, it's been a year, and counting. No, I have no bloody idea when it's going to happen. But it better be soon, or else Bu3awas will have to come get me from KSA.

Yes, that's right. My dad's retiring in February, which means..this ends my parents' stay in the UAE. I don't want to come to terms with it, because AD has always been home. The place where we live, it holds A LOT of memories; it holds my entire life. I was 5 when we moved to this apartment, & I am hoping it'll be the place where Bu3awas FINALLY takes me home from, but I no longer have any expectations. 

To those who think he doesn't exist, I'm tempted to swear at them 'til people begin to suspect I have Tourettes, because you have no goddamn idea how much stress I've endured, & continue to do so..during this predicament. I feel like tearing their hearts out of their chest, with a blunt knife..but even THAT won't suffice to match the pain I've suppressed within me. I would pray for you to go through it, so you'd realize how bad it is, & think twice before you allow the shit you're full of to pollute the environment, but no. I pray you live blissfully with your spouses, in this world and the Hereafter. 

I don't know what's going to happen; I've stopped hoping 'I'll move out soon'. I've not even mentioned the 'resident visa' issue, and I think it's best I don't. Let's just say, I don't belong anywhere, by 2013. Welcome to the life of an expat.

With uncertainties so huge, I don't look forward to moving in anymore. I literally feel dejected at this point; part of me prays I don't live to see my 24th birthday. I'm being ungrateful; others have it worse, I know. But give me that 'optimistic' shit, when you've been in this very shit-hole. At this point, I don't know whether to be appreciative of those who thought of this 'brilliant' marriage plan, or to hate them. Maybe I'm being childish, but bear with me here. I've held all this mahoosive load in me for over a year. Cut me some slack; friends who never even thought they'd get married, have kids now or are pregnant..while I sit here. "Good comes to those who wait" Yeah, unless death reaches 'em, first. But I suppose that's 'good', too. For those who have actually prepared for their journey onwards to their final abode.

And then those..I can't even think of profanity appropriate enough to define them..god-forsaken people who keep asking, "When's the wedding?" Go die, please. Does it really look like I give half a slither of a petrified log of SHIT about a WEDDING? Yeah, one and a half year later of being a bloody 'BRIDE', you expect me to doll up for you, & perch myself on a I can be oggled at? NO! SCREW YOU. My parents are uprooting their whole life, & going somewhere where they STILL won't have a proper base; somewhere where they have NO FRIGGIN' SOCIAL STATUS because of RACISM, NOT NATIONALISM..and you're wondering when the hell they're going to throw a fancy bash for your goddamn entertainment??

They'll STILL be EXPATS there; they STILL won't have a place to SETTLE down. In their 50-60s. WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THIS? The life of a goddamn EXPAT. We basically have no stability; our own country is ruled by criminals, & the funny thing is..those who rule it, live OUTSIDE the country itself. YES, THAT'S HOW GODDAMN SCREWED OVER IT IS. We can't even think of going back there, because that's like saying, "Oh yes, let's go live in a garbage dump which is ruled by a bunch'a criminals."

I'm infuriated; I can't control anything in my life..not even the slightest thing. Then, I have all these teenagers coming up to me, telling me what to do with my life. With all due respect, go graduate from high school/university, then come share your wisdom with me.

Meanwhile, I think I'm just going to excuse myself and dig a grave, and wait for the Angel of Death to come along..because I don't see things getting any better; they're only getting progressively worse. Oh wait, no..I can't do that. I'm going to be an illegal immigrant soon. Thank you, Nationalism.