Salam Allah 3lykm,
I don't even know where to begin this crazy life update. I don't know how to phrase it into a sentence that won't cause tears to well up in my eyes. I don't know how long it will take, to accept this change as 'reality'. On April 23rd 2019, we officially left the UAE.
At the time, we thought we were just going for a month's vacation - I'd even packed for a month. It was going to be a break from the mundane routine I was stuck in, a breath of fresh air in a cold country, away from the heat and humidity I'd begun to loathe. I never in a million years thought I'd not return?!
Allah truly works in mysterious ways; had I known I was leaving UAE for good, it probably would've had an adverse affect on my mental health. I probably wouldn't have been able to say goodbye to those I miss everyday today. The empty promise, 'See you in a month' gave me hope. It told me that I wouldn't be leaving my comfort zone permanently. It was the safety net that would 'cushion' my fall. Little did I know...
There is no turning back - not for the next three years, at least. And I feel like I wouldn't want to uproot my children if we're settled by then, to have them live the life of an expat. It's a painfully bewildering life, one that has you take so many luxuries for granted. It makes me wonder, was it our ingratitude towards Allah, that resulted in this tumultuous change?
It's dificult. It's difficult to hear my children say they miss home. They don't know that the UAE could never be home. It's not as simple as, 'home is where the heart is'. It's the biggest deception, yet. It's difficult to have to reply to their exasperated pleas to return home. It's confusing to be asked whether or not they'll ever get their toys again. It's heartbreaking to see them act out in frustration, over why 'we came so far in a plane from Abu Dhabi'.
I don't know if it gets easier with the passage of time. I don't know if I'll ever go to sleep and wake up with the sense of belonging to this land. I don't know if I'll ever stop the incessant comparison between....home and home. I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling that pang of guilt, everytime I look at my watch and realize the timing's been changed. I don't know if this gaping hole in my heart will ever be filled again. I don't know if I'll be able to look past the fact that people will not be able to understand my feelings, and that's okay.
I don't even know where to begin this crazy life update. I don't know how to phrase it into a sentence that won't cause tears to well up in my eyes. I don't know how long it will take, to accept this change as 'reality'. On April 23rd 2019, we officially left the UAE.
At the time, we thought we were just going for a month's vacation - I'd even packed for a month. It was going to be a break from the mundane routine I was stuck in, a breath of fresh air in a cold country, away from the heat and humidity I'd begun to loathe. I never in a million years thought I'd not return?!
Allah truly works in mysterious ways; had I known I was leaving UAE for good, it probably would've had an adverse affect on my mental health. I probably wouldn't have been able to say goodbye to those I miss everyday today. The empty promise, 'See you in a month' gave me hope. It told me that I wouldn't be leaving my comfort zone permanently. It was the safety net that would 'cushion' my fall. Little did I know...
There is no turning back - not for the next three years, at least. And I feel like I wouldn't want to uproot my children if we're settled by then, to have them live the life of an expat. It's a painfully bewildering life, one that has you take so many luxuries for granted. It makes me wonder, was it our ingratitude towards Allah, that resulted in this tumultuous change?
It's dificult. It's difficult to hear my children say they miss home. They don't know that the UAE could never be home. It's not as simple as, 'home is where the heart is'. It's the biggest deception, yet. It's difficult to have to reply to their exasperated pleas to return home. It's confusing to be asked whether or not they'll ever get their toys again. It's heartbreaking to see them act out in frustration, over why 'we came so far in a plane from Abu Dhabi'.
I don't know if it gets easier with the passage of time. I don't know if I'll ever go to sleep and wake up with the sense of belonging to this land. I don't know if I'll ever stop the incessant comparison between....home and home. I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling that pang of guilt, everytime I look at my watch and realize the timing's been changed. I don't know if this gaping hole in my heart will ever be filled again. I don't know if I'll be able to look past the fact that people will not be able to understand my feelings, and that's okay.
People talk about a brighter future, but does it have to be at the cost of this state of utter confusion? They say that better days are ahead, but why do they have this looming tag of uncertainty? And how can it do one any good, to be so far away from the ones they love? How does one overcome the gloom of helplessness, that sets in at the inability of partaking in their happiness, or lessening their adversity?
All I know is, it's one hell of a challenge I've been dealt. It has me overwhelmed more than half the time, but what doesn't kill you..makes you stronger. I think of all the cliche 'Tumblr' quotes that can possibly come to mind, and even then I feel dejected. I feel like quotes are easier said than acted upon.
Anyway, I'm tired of feeling so bummed out..which is why I resorted to blogging. I felt like once it's out of my system, I'd probably be able to muster up some positivity, and move on in life. There's no use dwelling on what could have happened. There are definitely a lot of milestones to look forward to, which I wouldn't have reached sitting in my comfort zone.
May Allah make it easy for all of us to pass our trials in life. May Allah Guide us through the problems we're faced with, and may our Faith never falter. May we never be tempted by what's forbidden, and may we be safeguarded from the ploys of Eblees - Allahumma Ameen.
'Til the next time I fail to 'use the lemons' life throws at me, or the next time I need to sort my own head out - I'd like to leave you readers with one of my fave quotes..which I've probably already mentioned a couple of times around this blog:
"Allah Tests us with blessings, and Blesses us with tests."
