Knock, knock!

Salam Allah 3lykm, dearest readers!

Man, that last blog post was a tad bit depressive....and dramatic, might I add. I don't know, I feel like now that I'm 32 - to think I started this blog when I was in my teens..like whaaaat?! - I feel like I'm a smidge bit more mentally stable. 

Life's too short to waste it on being a Debbie Downer, innit? Probably also has a bit to do with not wanting to scar my boys for life too, you know? I want to raise 'happy chappies', if I can. Yes, amidst a pandemic - is that really too much to ask for?

By the way, this is a very old-school blog post - I'm just typing my thoughts out as they come to me. Also, now that my 6yo can read, Mashallah - I want to be able to put out less negativity out there in print form, in case he comes across it someday. That won't be anytime soon, though - that's for sure. Too tiny to be on the Internet on his lonesome. 

Also, you hear all about social media being a double-edged sword - it really is. I feel like ever since I've come out of a 'social media coma', I'm a lot less....edgier? Understandable, as I'm not teetering on the edge of a sword. I'm a lot more present and productive. 

Prioritize family and loved ones, and abstain from the fake, dopamine high of social media. That's my main goal during this lockdown. And to keep my boys' screen time minimal. Unless we're collectively watching classic cartoons as a family. Then, it's quite alright.

Also, minimize squabbles. If I have the option between throwing a hissy fit over absolutely nothing, and just getting shit done - then I'll opt for the latter, thank you very much. Peace of mind is crucial, and I'd rather not be the one robbing myself of it. I did a lot of that, which is probably what made me so miserable. 

Can I just say, I've made peace with the fact that some days are just for work, and those are the days I clock the best kind of sleep. I've also had to teach myself to see the beauty in doing things for others - that is the kind of dopamine hit social media is robbing US of!? All those endless and absolutely senseless debates on whether women should do stuff for men, and vice versa?? Nobody needs to see that crap, honestly. If you're a decent person, you'd help people regardless of your gender and theirs.

Right, my train of thoughts has been derailed by 4yo trying to fly his Super Wing's toy into my face, and the old me would lament over not getting enough time to myself. I've now realized that's just his way of wanting my time, and he deserves it. Now that I've brought structure into my family's lives by adjusting our sleep schedule, I get my 'me time' when they wind down for the night. So, this is rightfully 'their time' right now that I've infringed upon....

'Til next time, 

Stay safe, stay home.💖

Fleeting Moment

Salam Allah 3lykm,

Blogging. I miss hammering the keys furiously when in a state of blind rage. I miss pouring my heart out, not giving a damn about the criticism that is harbored in hearts void of compassion; hearts ridden with malice so venomous, it devours them. To hell with it all; 'not to write' isn't an option; 'not to write' is suicide.

Appreciation bears no cost, yet it is withheld by the iron-fisted. Dreams are drowned by endless tears, and smiles are swallowed up by fear of the unknown. Fear of what atrocities are about to be committed; fear of becoming prey. Prey to the stone-hearted; prey to savages, prey to the whim-driven.

I'd like to run away right now, from everything and everyone; push every single loved one away, before they get hurt by my bitter words.  

It's that fleeting moment in life when I feel like the walls around me are caving in, crushing my ribs, making every other breath impossible. That moment when 'safety' loses all meaning, and you feel exposed to the snarling wolves of this world, waiting to rip you up into pieces. That moment when every loved one's reassurance sounds like hypocrisy laced with mockery - acid on open wounds. That fleeting moment when Eblees maliciously empowers both heart and mind , at the edge of victory -- when ذكر الله shoves The Eternally Damned away. 

 - أَلَا بِذِڪۡرِ ٱللَّهِ تَطۡمَٮِٕنُّ ٱلۡقُلُوبُ -

Inner-peace is just a heartbeat away, amidst the turmoil of a bloody war; all harm is kept at bay by ذكر الله.

و السلام عليكم و رحمة الله تعالى و بركاته

Forever & For Always

Salam 3lykm,

Sb7analla, just when you think you've hit rock-bottom, Allah turns everything around once again. Truly, one needs to fall time and time again, to thoroughly enjoy the thrill of every rise. Had I known the blissful end my week held, I wouldn't have been able to believe it at all. So incredibly surreal..! I leave you with something I started at Fajr today, but only finished it a lot later in the afternoon, because of a heart-stoppin' distraction.♥

I was wrong. SO very wrong. Blissful beyond belief. That's what my world turns into, when you step into it. You're better than any mood-enhancing drug in the market. The high you bring..makes all others fade in comparison.

The Damned can't stand us; he probably screams in anguish as we gaze lovingly at each other, and smile. It probably burns him to the core, everytime we exchange sweetly-sacred vows of eternal love. Yes, that's exactly why he sends countless of his minions our way..to create rifts between us. Does he not know he will NEVER succeed, if the One who he's answerable to..does NOT WILL for it to happen?

He can slave day and night to break us apart; we'll slave day and night to make sure one of the most ABHORRED things to our Lord..NEVER happens.

رَبَّنَا ظَلَمۡنَآ أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمۡ تَغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَتَرۡحَمۡنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ ٱلۡخَـٰسِرِينَ

Blissfully Forgotten

Salam 3lykm

You know how they say..'your face will forever stay imprinted in my mind, and I'll never forget you for as long as I live' about someone you cared about? Funny thing is, you actually do look back at things that once made you cry, and laugh. Sb7analla, I stumbled across some really old files on my PC..& I couldn't help bursting into a fit of crazy giggles, LOL.x$

I have long forgotten what you look like, let alone what you sound like. Your name has become like countless other names out there, Al7mdlla. I try to remember that which I tried for SO long to forget, yet it is like you & I never happened. Al7mdlla.

So here's some consolation for those of you out there, who think they're going through a heart-piercing breakup: time heals. I swear I didn't believe that for as long as I was told it, but someday, you'll be able to look at it as just another experience. Merely another valuable lesson learned.

And here's some advice for you 'lil ones' out there: as irresistible and intriguing the media makes a premarital relationship seem, I swear you're better off waiting for your spouse, trust me. Relationships are only the hard way around learning why intermingling of the sexes is forbidden in Islam, if you ask me.

Don't demean those three valuable words..save 'em for the one who actually proves it to you in ink. *Think 'the legal bond', not a friggin' love letter, mind you ._.* Save 'em for the one who legalizes his/her love for you in front of the entire world.

Treat "I love you" like something sacred; indeed, the only one worthy of it is he/she who isn't reluctant/afraid of letting the world know..it's only YOU he/she wants to spend the rest of his/her life with.

PS. This post wasn't supposed to be all mushy, gooey, and lovey-dovey; it just took a sudden turn in that direction.xD
PPS. I deemed premarital relationships wrong long before I got married, right after I'd gone down the 'wrong way'..to the notorious 'Dark Side'.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

My Lovebugs

This post's dedicated to those who made me smile and grin when I least wanted to; those who stood by me when I knew not where to go, & those who made me see 'the greener side', when I was surrounded by darkness. My Lovebugs.

I left you all, not because I couldn't give a damn about how you felt after I walked away, but because I gave a damn about how I was ruining your timelines. My unhappiness was clearly reflected through the words I used, & instead of brightening up your timelines like you did mine, I was doing the very opposite.

This is my decision; once upon a time, I hated Twitter, yet you made me love it..to the point where I was addicted to it. I tried breaks, which only failed. I tried leaving, which failed too. This time, I plan to make it work. I plan to make it work, because I know returning would be a fail.

I know some of you hate me for it, I know some of you couldn't care less; soon, you'll all be indifferent to my decision, and it'll be forgotten. I'm no deranged, attention-seeking drama queen, and it sucks to be thought of as one. I've always been a loner, and company's something I have never been able to handle. Isolation has always been my refuge.

I don't mind criticism, but I can't stand mockery, and I saw too much hurtful sarcasm being flung around. People say one shouldn't have to explain themselves, yet I'm an open book. For letting you down, I apologize..but I'm just being me. This is who I am; I shun people. I shun them, because they give you happiness & love, then snatch it back when you least expect it. And being a person, I know I probably do that, too. So, I shun people.

It's not a definite solution, and it definitely has its repercussions, but it has worked for now. As my Lovebugs, I only hope you'll understand where I'm coming at. I know you won't mock me, at least. If you want to contact me, there are many alternatives; Twitter was just one of them.

I love you all as my very own, which is probably why I never said 'goodbye'. And I'm not saying it now either, because the mere thought of it has my eyes welled up with tears. As dramatic as it may sound, I have faith our lives will cross paths again, and hopefully this time, I won't run away as an escape.

Rabbi ywaffgkm w ys3dkm dnya w a5irah..<3

A Lifetime Mission

Salam 3lykm

A poem I wrote...describing what I would want my lifetime mission to be, in a nutshell. تقبل الله منا و منكم صالح الأعمال

I'll retrace deeply carved wounds
Piercing carefully through the scabs
Heart staining my fingers with blood
I'll retrieve the bitter memories I have

I'll do it all to see you smile again
I'll do it all so you don't cry alone
I'll do it all so I can share your pain
Don't pretend to have a heart of stone

Your silent tears I've not yet seen
Their escape betrayed by your words
Your happiness now lies demeaned
Lovers' delirium, you deem absurd

I'll penetrate deeper into my soul
Sharing dark secrets of past shame
I'll do it all with ONE irresistible goal
Inscribing on your bleeding heart..
Allah's Name.

Remember: Allah tests us with Blessings, and Blesses us with Tests.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Farewell..'Til Further Notice

Salam 3lykm,

Here's something I wrote last night, after talking to Mommie-Dearest about 'life'.

A word of advice: Never tell your children they're engaged. Unless things have finalized, don't say a word to them. 'Specially not to your lil princesses. Because when their sky-high castles are torn down, so is your heart. Al7mdlla 3la kl 7aal.

I am single. I am in the prime years of my life, and I'm no longer waiting around for this charming Bu 3awas guy to sweep me off my feet like a broom. No. I'm through with that whole 'wife-in-waiting' phase. It's just too painful. Build high hopes, and eventually..I know they'll come crashing down. I'm no longer holding on to this fantasy; I'm taking the advice of several people I know, when I say, 'I'm letting go'.

What caused this change? Well, it's pointless. Why should I be this damsel in distress, waiting for her prince to come a-knockin'? I don't mean to be an airhead, but al7mdlla..I'm still desirable. Why should I tie myself down with an imaginary weight? That's what this whole fantasy is, really. Don't get me wrong..I still love Bu 3awas. And he'll know that when he comes around. But I'm pretty sure he isn't wallowing around in misery over me, so I'm done doing that!

I'm single, and until I sign an official legal document that states otherwise, I'm nothing but that. I'm still Um 3awas, but bear in mind..there really NEVER was a Bu 3awas. ;) Unless of course, you consider Imam At-Tirmidhi's Kniya. x'D

So..if you're out there 'Bu 3awas', good for you, mate. Your existence is totally insignificant to me, love..'til you sign the Legal Bond, & perhaps..put a dazzling rock on this finger. I sure as hell deserve it, for waiting this long.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Burning Desire

Salam 3lykm

I'm back with another poem; this time, you need to be a little more analytical to understand the full meaning behind it. Inclining towards premarital relationships, I decided to 'summarize' what they're all about. Some may agree; some may disagree; and some may agree to disagree - whatever you choose, it would always be nice to see a comment or two. :P

Passion looms thickly in the air
Silence betraying their heartbeats
Her fingers raking through his hair
Fragrances intoxicatingly sweet

Lips dancing together; synchronized
Tongues play-fighting in humidity
A heated embrace having long-denied
Fiery passion, masked by stupidity

Supple skin glistens under the moonlight
Her perfect curves seductively outlined
Resisting carnal desires with all his might
Ravishing her, having clouded his mind

Suddenly wary of the unwelcomed distraction
She gently pulls herself away
'Magnetism' fails to describe their sinful attraction
Deathly orbs now lustfully ablaze

Watching in anger as she slowly shakes her head
Silent tears acknowledge the ugliness of of his soul
His words, like the sand thrown upon the dead
Glowing embers, marking the birth of a 'Black Hole'

I won't add the analysis to this, as it will inhibit your perceptions. It would be great to read different analyses, so if you want..you may try to analyze this. ;D But I know you won't.:P

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

The Uncanny Savior - Suicide

Salam 3lykm

Sharing an essay I wrote as an assignment during my last semester. It was supposed to be a distressing experience, and I thought..hmm..an incident from life, shall we? Life when I took a trip to what I like to call, "The Dark Side". It did happen this way. Fortunately or unfortunately. My first suicide attempt. Nothing outta the ordinary. Shay6an takes control when you stray away from Allah.

The Uncanny Savior: Suicide

I stared ahead at the wall in front of me as I tightly pinched the bridge of my nose. Tears welled up in my eyes, as an excruciating pain surged through my heart. No one understood the turmoil I was going through. No one knew that, had I shunned this despicable life I now lived, I was going to turn back into the friendless loner I had always been. I had filled that gaping hole in my life with books; nothing could ever replace books, because reading is what had kept me from plummeting into the outstretched claws of insanity for so long. However, it was also what had led to my becoming a social misfit.

No one was witness to how I would sob my heart out until I had no more tears left to cry. Murderous thoughts began to play on my mind as I tried to push away the heartless taunting and mockery I had been throughout my years at school. I had always been the ‘extremist’; having been brought up in a strictly religious family, I had not known what celebrities were, and had no exposure whatsoever to music or movies until grade 7 or 8. Thus, I had been made fun of and shunned as a ‘religious freak’, and had been left to the mercy of the endless rows of books in our school’s library.

As the taunting got worse, I started becoming more rebellious to hide the pain. I was still a misfit, but instead of a ‘religious freak’, I turned into an outcast. I was daring, and it was not long before the tables were turned on those who would bully me. I got into a few physical fights, but save for a few cuts and bruises, came out unharmed. I was still talked about behind my back, but at least no one had the guts to come up to me and mock me. I had now donned a mask, thus becoming ‘the hypocritical freak’.

I might have been all toughened up on the outside, but I hated myself. The worst part was committing sins despite knowing clearly the punishments I would receive for them. As the self-hatred grew, I eventually went into isolation. I gradually stopped eating; everything tasted so bitter, that even the mere thought of food was nauseating. Sleep had long-deserted me, to be ‘victimized’ by the All-Vengeful: insomnia. I would keep my lips sealed, fearing that I would not be able to stop the endless flow of tears that would accompany my barely-coherent speech.

Signs of fatigue and negligence were becoming increasingly visible on my face. The telltale dark circles that had formed over sleepless nights under my glazed eyes, added to the eyesore I had become for those around me. Every day, my parents would up with a new color to describe my pallid complexion, “Yellow!”, “Purple!”, “Gray!”, while I sarcastically marveled at their ‘newly-found creativity’.

I deliberately began pushing away everyone around me; they had done nothing but added to the pain I had suffered in life, with what seemed like endless criticism then, but what I actually recognize now as genuine concern. Instead, I had spiraled down a deep vortex of depression and had surrendered to it, allowing it to slowly suck the life out of me. The sun rose and set; nights crept up over days, and days surrendered to nights, yet mine were enveloped by pitch-black darkness. It was though I lived on, only because my breathing had not yet ceased. I had become totally anti-social, repelling even the kindest person in my world: my mother. Her ‘endless nagging’ pushed me to extremes, even though it stemmed from the deep, agonizing concern of watching her daughter waste away.

My weight plummeted, as did my mental well-being. Breakdowns were nothing out of the ordinary, as I felt my shoulders being crushed under the world’s weight. As loneliness threatened to devour my insides, it was not long before I felt worthless, and –alarmingly – responsible for having driven everyone away. Consequently, my health deteriorated; my vital signs had reached a critical state. That pleased me immensely; it would only be a matter of time until I would be laid six feet under to rest. I’d not have to hear their criticism or mockery ever again. Eventually, Satanic Whispers formed shocking thoughts in my mind, and that is when I first attempted the unthinkable: Suicide.

I lifted my trembling hand to my mouth, as I tossed one pill in after another. I heard my parents’ angry voices ringing in my ears all along, “Take your medicines! You NEVER listen to what you’re told!” They wanted me to take my medicines? I would. I’d take them ALL. However, having failed to take over six pills, I secured the bottle’s lid back on in defeat. Yet, the Damned Devil was not satisfied with his efforts. Something glinted in my eye as I turned around to leave the bathroom. A blade. I reached out for it without any hesitance. It was slightly rusted, but very cool – almost soothing – to touch. How long would it take for the blood to drain out if I slit my wrists? As I positioned it on my wrist whilst steadying my hand, the metal was cold against my skin, opposed to the seemingly fiery blood that pulsated with a life of its own within. I could feel my heart beating almost violently in its confinement, as if wanting to be ‘set free’.

“Let’s go, we’re getting late for Salah!” The blade slipped between my fingers, leaving telltale signs of its presence on my arm, as it clambered on the floor. My brother’s annoyed voice resounded in my head, especially his last-spoken word. Salah. What was I doing? Why had I almost surrendered to The Damned? For what price was I selling my life to the DEVIL?!

Realization hit home hard; for a few ‘cheap thrills’, I had nearly lost my chance of entering Gardens of indescribable beauty. For merely a few years, I had done what I wanted to do, following a lifestyle contradictory to Islamic beliefs. I had listened to music; befriended the ‘cool and popular’; been rebellious to my elders; I had done it all. However, I had gained literally NOTHING out of it, except severe depression and instability. I had nearly destroyed my Hereafter for the sake of this transitory world of baseless desires and temptations. It was time to answer ‘The Call’; it was the time to turn back towards Allah.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Baring It All

Salam 3lykm

Sh7alkm, Dearest Readers? Awalan: 3eedkm Mbarak; thaniyan: I'm disappointed with your laziness that knows no bounds; thalithan: this isn't a poem.:P Do I hear a sigh of relief or disappointment?

What do you think this post is about? Well, there's not much left to reveal about myself, is there? This blog holds some of my darkest secrets and thoughts, and is accessible by all. Have any of you wondered, why? Why would I put my life out there for people to scrutinize? Why would I allow them to rip me apart with their criticism. After all, I've written about heartbreaks, love, Islam, etc..it seems hypocritical, doesn't it? In a post, I might be talking about how premarital relationships are unlawful, then I go and write up something on 'rebound'. Paradoxical, much?;)

I do it because I know there are people out there who go through the exact same phases in life, yet don't know who to talk to about it. They're afraid of criticism. They don't want to be judged. What is it that 2pac used to say? Only God can judge me. Yeah, I'm sorry dude..it ain't that way in reality, is it? Every other person is out to judge and attack the next. 'Survival of the Fittest', in its worst form.

Here's a newsflash - and just like all news is - its 'bad news'. Criticism is never going to stop. Critics will carry on ripping people apart with their words, and will only stop when the dust of their graves fills their mouth. Then, they will receive their fair share of criticism, because as reality has it..nothing is spared. Nope, not even the dead.

How do we deal with it? Do we live in denial and say..'I don't hear a thing', and look the opposite way? Or do we vehemently fight its provocative existence to our graves? Do we suffer and gray over the fact people are talking about us behind our backs? Or do we hide away in isolation from the rest? Whatever we choose to do, I promise you..it WILL be talked about.

Thus, we need to LIVE with it; DEAL with it; and prove the critics WRONG instead of fueling the fire they start. If you lash out, you're guilty, and if you deny it, you're ashamed..yet STILL guilty. Why not do neither, and show the world just how WRONG your critics are about you? Kill two birds with one stone: the depression/stress that comes with such criticism as well as the critics that cause it in the first place.

So, I don't care if people criticize me for who I am, because it's human nature. What matters is seeing someone smile through tears, knowing that I'm not going through this situation alone; people have been there too..and they've made it out safely.

What matters is touching the soul of ONE person out there; changing ONE person's life. That's it.

It's not about my identity, or security. If stalkers want to extract 'information', they're welcome to..provide I don't know about their stalking issues. Honestly, I have nothing to hide, because if I could hide stuff, then I would want to hide my shortcomings from ALLAH. Can I? No. Then why try to hide them from His Creation? Yes, I do know of the 7deeth that one shouldn't disclose his sins, & that Allah will keep them undisclosed on youm al Qiyamah, provided the person doesn't disclose them in his/her lifetime.

My intentions are not to boast about the mess ups I've gotten in, but to accept them as experiences I learned from, and try never to go down the same lanes again. They are also to help others that are either in similar situations, or gearing towards them. Thus, إنما الأعمال بالنيات would support my stance here. Further, I don't disclose the details that don't matter, and never will.

I've had countless girls come up to me saying, 'this is EXACTLY how I feel..but I don't have the guts to tell anyone.' What does that lead to? Psychologically, they're all going through a turmoil no one knows of, and probably never will. As a result, she will go through certain phases, which I've gone through. I can't see people make the same mistakes; it hurts way too much. No, I'm not trying to show you what a 'selfless considerate individual' I am, because we're rarely selfless.

I can tell you there's nothing selfless about this; initially, it was my therapy, and a lot of times..it still is. But I now also do it for the lovely feeling I get when I help someone sort their life out. Be the light that brightens up someone's life, and you will inevitably brighten up your own. I owe it to myself to brighten up whatever little remains of myself, and I couldn't do it without your help.

So, to all those who have benefited from these posts, this is a petty way of thanking you for unknowingly doing me the favor of brightening up my life, one for which only Allah can Reward you; Allah yjzeekm kl5ayr fd dnya wl A5irah.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

'Played Out'

Salam 3lykm

Been through some rough days, as you can probably tell from my previous post, but after a long, tear-wrenching talk with my bro, *Fdaiteh walla..Rabbi y7f'6h..the glue of the family, and who primarily helps in keeping us all sane!* he made me realize that I can control my own happiness, by controlling my mind..and the crazy thoughts that usually rule it. So, maybe that will help for the time-being. Anyway, after all that drama at home ceased for a bit, I got thinking...

If you've ever broken someone's heart, realize that someday..someone will eventually break yours. What goes around, certainly DOES come around. If it was in the past, and you've gotten your act all 'cleaned' up, it's no excuse to not sincerely apologize for the heartache you caused someone else. I'm not saying, go hook up and act like a punk all over again; what I'm saying is..showing the person you're genuinely sorry for the pain they endured could allow them to live their life again.

You might think I'm BSing right now; people eventually move on in life, right? Why would anyone lose precious time moping around over someone who broke their heart? If you've ever been heartbroken, you'd know that 'til your doubts are cleared, you keep wondering 'what if'. Especially..at times when you feel low. I guess it's a way for Shay6an to break you even further, provided you've repented sincerely for all you've done; all these random thoughts of how people hurt you in different ways tend to come up, sometimes..leaving you feeling absolutely worthless.

OR..scenario #2 is that person goes on their own 'heartbreaking spree' intentionally or unintentionally, just to get the pain out of their system. I don't know HOW that works, but I KNOW for a fact that it's unfortunately true..and that 'What goes around comes around' isn't just a pretty little line that people use to sound all philosophical. It's the bitter truth.

I know it because..well, I've been there. I know what it's like to allow thoughts of different ways to commit suicide to empower your mind for a while. Al7mdlla, I'm still alive. When the ride gets tough, a very special person keeps telling me, "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger"...and I used to think it was BS before, but now I know it's as close to the truth as one can possibly get.

I also know what it's like to be a heartbreaker; you revel in your 'moment of glory' for a short period, then it all goes downhill from there. Not only that, but it's like a chain reaction..an ugly one. Don't be the one to continue it, let alone set it off.

Don't be the reason for a person to endure pain; you're a MUSLIM..and Muslims can't be 'Playaz'. It's not 'cool', dear brothers and sisters..to toy around with the emotions of someone else, just so you can satisfy your desires. Don't carry the burden of being the reason for someone to contemplate 7aram, because if someone ends their life in despair over you, it's nothing to be proud about. You know you'll face punishment either in this world, the Hereafter, or maybe even both.

Don't be brainwashed by the whole 'playa' image; I'm sure you wouldn't like it if someone played your family member(s) around, and messed them up. Remember, treat others the way you'd want to be treated. Saying you're a Muslim, then acting contrary to the teachings of Islam makes you a HYPOCRITE. You know what the Qur'an says abt em, right?

إِنَّ ٱلۡمُنَـٰفِقِينَ فِى ٱلدَّرۡكِ ٱلۡأَسۡفَلِ مِنَ ٱلنَّارِ وَلَن تَجِدَ لَهُمۡ نَصِيرًا

Verily, the hypocrites will be in the lowest depths of the Fire: no helper will you find for them.

I'm sure you wouldn't want to be there.

It is up to us to protect our family members from heart-breakers. If you truly are proud to be a Muslim, don't hurt your brother or sister in Islam at the expense of fulfilling your desires. That's selfish, disgusting, and it certainly doesn't depict the true picture of Islam.

It is up to the Muslim youth to paint the TRUE picture of Islam; we need to destroy the fear-instilling image of 'terrorists' that the media has successfully fed to people's minds. If we're going to go around representin' 'Playaz', we're not going to get ANYWHERE. Now, are you in for some GOOD change, or would you rather play manipulating mind games with someone, just to get some 'action'?

Feel free to spread this post..I'm not too sure if it'll be of any use spreadin' the rest! Might end up making someone suicidal if you share the previous ones!x'D

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

كيف تتلذذ بالصلاه؟

Salam 3lykm

This is an AMAZING program I came across yesterday; you need to give it your 100% in order to understand the depth of what he is saying though. Unfortunately, for those readers who do not understand Arabic..there are no English subtitles. However, I'll be willing to translate it if anyone wants me to; it is all about prayers and how to enjoy the 'sweetness' of such an esteemed form of worship.

We have been praying ever since childhood, yet how many of us really get lost while we stand before Allah? How many of us pray just because its obligatory; a mere series of actions and words? How many of us get so engrossed in our prayers that we become totally oblivious to the world around us?

Learn how to taste and enjoy the sweetness of your prayers, بفضل الله :



And to all the people who came up with the idea of such a program - especially the presenter - but most important of all, the person who has uploaded all these episodes:

جزاهم الله كل خير في الدنيا و الآخره

May Allah accept their efforts, and make this [a source of] صدقة جارية for them after they pass on; Ameen.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Shoved...Into Life's 'Fast Lane'! *Update*

Salam 3lykm

First off, a shout-out to my 'Loyal Readers' - whether you still read this or not - without you, this place wouldn't exist. (I would've probably stopped blogging a month or two after I started, lol.) This also includes the 'silent readers' - you know who you are! (I WOULD like to know who you are, but then again...thank you for stickin' around!=D)

I didn't realize it, but this blog is officially 3 years old..April 7th, 2007 - 16th May, 2010. I didn't think I'd keep blogging, really. I didn't know that one fine day, I'd have written over 50 poems. Through this blog, I met many different people, and learned countless lessons in life...some of which were really 'bitter', but قدر الله ما شاء فعل ...I don't regret any of them, and as I always say..if I had the chance to go back and change anything in my life..I wouldn't change a single thing.

Wow..time flies...in 10 days, by this time...I'll be walking outta university for the last time...and that feels REALLY weird. It's not like I won't have anything to do..bl 3x, I have SO MANY plans...I'm worried I won't be able to do most of them, in case..well...I get married. *My lips are sealed 'til it happens, so no questions on this one. ;)*

And...in exactly 2 months..I'll be flying back from Lahore, Inshalla...after my FINALS. This time, I'm not really freaked out or depressed about going; I guess it's because we'll be staying with family, Inshalla..memorable experience, walla. Here's hopin' their wild neighbors don't have any of their deafening parties this time!>.< style="color: rgb(102, 51, 51);"> fast lane! Oh..judging from the poll's votes on the whole 'blog makeover', standby for a 'new look'...should be changed by August, but like I said...I've been pushed into life's fast lane...which means a LOT to do, but in very LITTLE time!

A sister was reminding me that this year is my 'golden year'. Whatever that means, lol..apparently, since I'm turning 22, and my birthday is on the 22nd..it's my 'golden' year. :P It's only going to be golden if I'm spending it with my significant other. *shrugs* ;P

Aiight, so much for an 'update', eh?xD I better get back to studying; aiming for a 'perfect' GPA of 4...to successfully end this chapter of life...and hopefully begin a new one. <3

Take care, and remember me in your prayers..

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

W.O.W: 'Waayy OverWhelmed'

Salam 3lykm

Sh7alkm?=) La, this isn't a poem or a lecture..neither is it a story, etc..it's one of those random posts about my not-so-exciting life. ;P On the contrary. I'm a few months away from a double graduation, w lillah el7md. Overwhelmed.

I've survived 21 yrs of my life, lol...major achievement! It's 2010 and this blog still lives; evidence to the tumultuous few years I've had. Right now, I'm happy..w lillah el7md. Yes, I come over these crazy bouts of depression when marriage comes to mind..lol..but I'm sure Bu 3eesa is worth the wait. And all the pain. <3

Speaking of which, I still have not got used to قال أبو عيسى in Tirmidhi classes, m3ena my last year is coming to an end. :') Last academic year. Of course, once a 6alib(at) al 3elm, always a 6alib(at) al 3elm! The feeling is unexplainable; I never thought I'd see this year, walla...'double graduation' :') هذا من فضل ربي

I realize I've hurt a lot of people during my 'healing' period; I'm sorry...I know mere words do little to the scars I've inflicted upon you, but I was a lost soul myself..To all those I've hurt intentionally or unintentionally..please forgive me..

I came to this with pages and pages of despair and pain, but I leave this with a smile of content upon my face, and maybe a stray tear or two. To all those who inflicted pain upon me: I thank you for all the valuable lessons you taught me through that pain. No, I'm not crazy...I mean it.

And to a person who stood by me for a long time through the toughest years of my life...the one who always said: 'what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger'...I owe you big time. I still question why things went the way they did, but I guess I can be overwhelming at times. If you're reading this, Thank You..and this comes from the depth of my heart, mind you. ;')

Wow, as I write...the smile spreads upon my face; it's turning into a grin now..;D Walla writing is amazingly therapeutic. To all my 'Silent Readers': thank you for enlightening my page with your mysterious presence. ;) I give up on trying to get you to leave your fingerprints behind; next thing I'ma do is destroy all the damn 'glove factories' in the world!;P

And last but not least, Stalkers: stop prowling about, trying to pounce on me like a lion would pounce on its dinner, please. I'm guessing most of you know my email address, so just drop me a line of hatred, instead. Free yourselves from the captivity you're restricted by; live your life, and make the most of it...'cuz you only get this, ONE chance. Don't 'break' it...MAKE it. =)

I bid you all farewell, 'til next time <3

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

A Harsh Reality

Salam 3lykm,
Sh7alkm, Dear Readers? Last night, a weird feeling overtook me and y'all know what follows weird feelings :P A poem!*Not always, but most of the times anyway!* It wasn't more of a realization as such as it was acceptance of something I've been in denial of...by choice, of course. It is but a harsh reality=) I leave you with my latest...

I'll be the one to wipe away my own tears, I'll be the one who'll make myself smile; I'll be the one to support myself thru the years, I'll be the one who'll make my life worthwhile.

I'll do it all because you were the ones who made me cry, I'll do it all because on your faces there were disapproving frowns; I'll do it all knowing there will come a time when I'll die, and - while you'll all walk away - i'll be left all alone 6ft underground.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

21. *Revised*

*Anger comes from shay6an, and he who flattens someone out of anger is not the strongest. The strongest is he who can control his anger. This is proof that Shay6an attacks at night with his Wasawes (Whispers), knowing it is the time that we are most likely to fall in his trap. Al7mdulilllah, two hours later...just around Fajr, I decided to edit this post..and I feel MUCH better =)*

Salam 3lykm

I'm 'legal', so they say. I don't feel any different. Don't look different. I'm as I was yesterday, when I was 20 years old. I'm as I was last year...or am I? No...I was a nervous wreck then; I am now, but it's only due to temporary stress. Not because I feel psychotic. Do I? I do. الحمد لله على كل حال =)

I hate formalities, and I hate birthdays. I hate them because people couldn't give a damn if you died the next day, yet they'll wish you a 'happy birthday' anyway. Do I care it's my birthday? Frankly? No. I couldn't care less. لا طاعة المخلوق في معصية الخالق

I feel miserable. Tears well up in my eyes, and by the time I hit '.' they would have streaked down adding to the portrait painted by 'ugliness' فتبارك الله أحسن الخالقين on my face.

I hate me. من شبه بقوم فهو منهم Thoroughly. لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين

I don't need your pity. Sympathy. Comfort. Or consolation. ألا بذكر الله تطمئن القلوب I know I came alone in this world and I will die alone. A new year. A new start. I don't think this blog will be here same time next year. I'm taking my poetry, and I might exit this world for good. لم تقولون ما لا تفعلون

My time is coming to an end. كل نفس ذائقة الموت

Another blogger's entrance depends on my 'departure'. If you think I'm being over-dramatic:

..."ناقصات العقل و الدين"...
F*** you. لا حول و لا قوة إلا بالله العلي العظيم
I'll give you the chance to grin widely when I leave. أضحك الله سنك
My new year's gift to you. من شبه بقوم فهو منهم

ربنا ظلمنا أنفسنا و إن لم تغفرلنا و ترحمنا لنكونن من الخاسرين

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Blog Stats

Salam 3lykm

Just a quick post to thank all of my blog's readers for taking the time to read the psychotic stuff I tend to churn on a regular basis ;) Thanks guys, without you...this blog would seriously not exist..

Al7mdulillah the 'bounce-rate' has decreased significantly, which tells me I should keep my posts short and 'sweet' from now on :P Most hits came from the UAE, followed by KSA, and Pakistan. What really cheered me up was the fact that the number of 'returning visitors' is double that of the 'new' ones; to all those 'Loyal Readers' - I don't know who most of you are, but here's a big THANK YOU going out to each one of you!:D

I also notice a couple of 'Stalker Stats' around here; it's okay as long as you don't get freaky, feel free to look around for whatever it is you stalkers look for :P I wouldn't really know, because I have not reached that stage, yet!:P

I have one complaint though; there's a MAJOR lack of feedback around here! =( Forget about praises; I would love to see some constructive criticism or even suggestions around this blog! I've given you your right to anonymity, haven't I?(A) You don't know how many times I've been feeling real low, and a mere two-lined comment from a happy reader is enough to pull me out of a really vicious spiral of depression! (No, I don't suffer from bipolar disorder, in case it ever crossed your mind :P Just a WHOLE LOT of STRESS!)

A few 'upcoming developments' in 2010:

1. A makeover <- Polls suggest otherwise so far, but I think it would be a nice change =) 2. I've been asked by a lot of people to consider publishing my 'junk' <- might do something about it! 3. A realistic novel without the usual, ANNOYING happy ending!:P <- Story-line known =) 4. A break on all the 'love-related' posts; reclining more towards Psychology, Inshalla (unless I get married, of course!xD) Once again, I'd like to thank you ALL for cheering me up unintentionally, by gracing this blog with your precious presence - Muchas Gracias!:D

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Desires

Salam 3lykm

Why? Why? Why?
I need someone to detach this heart, and throw it somewhere.
My heart and mind are going to drive me to insanity. Wait.
I'm already insane.
About someone I don't know; never seen; never heard.
Ma3gool??
The question is: Can you fall head over heels in love *wait..here's the catch..* with your spouse when:
1. They don't exist?
2. You don't know who it'll be?
3. You have a feeling...life might even end before a new one begins? *Don't ask!*

It's crazy, because I'M crazy - I perceive everything in a crazy way.
I over-think.
I DON'T have time to over-think. But I still do it.
It's not desperation for marriage - hell no. My rosy glasses broke AGES ago.
It's not seeking a way out of my parents' home...to get away from all these restrictions.
I love the restrictions. I learned to love them.
In fact, I can't live without some of them = I can't see myself with a passive guy.
I need someone...dominant. Takes over. Rules. <- Crazy? Read the first line of this paragraph. OK, either shut my heart in a box or...feed it to dogs.
Just.Get.Rid.Of.It!
Heart for sale - anyone interested?
OK, it's free - no price-tag on it...just take it away from me!
Never want it again - I don't want to feel.
I want my mind to function. Full control. No hindrance.
Right now, it's b-l-o-c-k-e-d.
This heart is like a tyrant. Taking over.

Can someone teach me how to switch it off?
Pump blood - emotionless.
Wait. Is that all it does?
So...my desires?
OMG...I've been pinning the blame!
On something else - does it have a name?
My self. It's not a typo. Two words. One meaning.
Ego.

That is out.
My heart is back in place. Guilt-free.
I smile. Not manically.
It's a peaceful smile. Of content.
The puzzle has been solved.
The picture is clear.
I'll analyze the picture later.
When my mind wakes up.
Or will it?

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

*ALL Readers are requested to kindly leave the thoughts they had, specifically as they read the post. It will help with a research I'm doing. Use the 'Anonymous commenter' feature, but please - your replies are needed for this post. Jzakm Allah 5ayr =)*

PS. I've not lost my mind - not yet, at least ;)