It has taken so many days to get to this point. I've been contemplating about starting up on my blog again since months now, but something keeps holding me back. Maybe it's the thought that I started writing here in my teens; I don't know how much I can or cannot divulge before it turns into 'airing dirty laundry', or worse - who's going to stumble across this blog now, to find a nearly 34 year old stay-at-home mom trying to salvage her sanity?
Anyway, a lot has changed since the last time I wrote. My boys are both going to school, which means I actually have time to myself now. I've become one of those 'wake up earlier than everyone else' type of people, just to add more 'responsibility-free' hours to my day. I say 'responsibility-free', but they usually involve cooking/packing lunches, making breakfast, clearing dishes, etc. without anyone else piling their needs/wants on me in between. And it means I then get guilt-free 'me time' during the day, when my not-so-little ones are in school!
I enjoy it, though - had someone told me the secret to a clean home, kitchen sink, empty laundry hamper + stand + basket, and a freshly cooked meal is sending the children to school, I would've probably done it a lot sooner! JK - as much as I value my sanity, I don't think babies should be separated from their mommies SO young.:')
I honestly don't know what direction this post is going to take - all I know is, I've increasingly sold the idea of writing being therapeutic to many loved ones, so not writing myself is beginning to make me feel quite hypocritical..and I'm here to change that. I think it's also the self-induced pressure to write something 'good' that's restrained me. The idea that people deem me 'good enough a writer to proofread their work' is nerve-wrecking. I'd like to be able to revert to the 'open book' I once was, freely expressing my brain farts to the world.
Adulting. I think that's the inhibitor. The idea that I'm now supposed to be responsible enough to filter my thoughts, because oversharing is bad. But how can you then be that consolation an individual needs, as they stumble across your blog on a particularly difficult night - how can you be the realization that there is a light at the end of the dark, almost-suffocating tunnel..if your unadulterated take is now going to be projected whilst taking possible offenses into consideration?
I vaguely remember talking about the possibility of having ADHD on this blog, I cannot remember when or even what spurred that thought, though. I seem to be a textbook case of ADHD, though. I fit the whole 'lack of organization skills, decision making, planning, yada yada yada' category. It's helped me understand a lot of 'inconveniences' which drove people around me up a wall. Then again, it's merely a self-diagnosis. I've been told I'm crazy for believing everything on the Internet, but then again - the world is at our fingertips thanks to the Internet. You can literally pull up information on anything and everything you think of. But let's be real: your device probably throws it in your face, before you can even deny having thought about it.
..Is this a good start? Is it a proper attempt to get back in the flow of penning my thoughts? I don't know. I'm just distracted by my 6yo's inability to finish a meal by himself, without my intervention. Is this airing dirty laundry? God Knows. If there's any exasperated parent out there who has a 6yo who won't eat by themselves, know you're not a bad parent. You're doing whatever you can - everyone has their own timeline. Including kids. Cue the horrified gasps and judgmental tuts of aunties worldwide. Except the aunties are now grannies and we're....the aunties?!
Mind-blown. See, I think the reason I also avoid this blog is because I revert into the 15yo who started this blog. It doesn't feel like the 'responsible adult you've now turned into', as a family friend kindly put it a few days ago. The last time she saw me, I was in school. Or university. I don't remember, to be quite frank. Whatever the case, I just feel like I hold myself back from the possible criticism that might come my way.
Would it help if my thoughts were as wondrous as the recipes I conjure up, when the pantry's bare? Or how about the way I repurpose leftovers to empty the fridge? ...maybe my thoughts just aren't adult enough? And by adult thoughts, I don't mean NSFW. PLEASE. I mean 'mature' - Blekh. 'Not childish', not 'teeny-bopperish'.
Maybe I shouldn't even care - who do I need to prove myself to, in my mind? Why am I setting all these 'good enough' constraints on myself? It's not like I'm trying to impress people who mistakenly find their way on my blog. Or am I? Is that why I've stopped writing? The lack of validation, perhaps? This blog was more like a diary, once upon a time. Maybe that's how I need to treat it...it's not a literary wonder. It wasn't really meant to be; the poems were just a fluke.
It's SO hard to focus on my thoughts with 6yo waddling to and fro, passing on 'messages' from the 8yo. It was a lot easier to ramble on, whilst pulling an all-nighter trying to meet a project deadline.
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Alright, attempt numero dos. Kids are at school, and all my chores are done. I now have no distractions to blame my inability to articulate thoughts on. How is this even possible? My brain's always racing with endless thoughts, but when I come to throw them out here - everything just dissipates into thin air? It's taken me well over 12 hours, and I'm still editing this blog post for the gazillionth time instead of adding to it. Does that do something to explain where my mind's at?
Maybe I should put set a limit on myself, like people do these one-take vlogs..I should do a 'one-take blog post' where I'm not allowed to 'proofread' - kind'a like how Twitter works. That's literally how I used to blog though, once upon a time. I would furiously type away, hit 'publish', then never read that post again. And that was therapeutic - what I do now is just stressful! So, what's changed? I almost want to put my laptop away and go work out, instead.
Oh, I lack consistency. Can you tell? I've been trying to force myself to be consistent with a lot of things these days, and I feel like following a mundane routine really helps. It also means I teeter between living life on 'auto-pilot' , and actually living in the moment. With kids, you need to live in the moment, I feel. I don't want to rob them of their childhood by having a robotic presence, if that makes sense.
I'm also trying OH SO HARD to be mindful of my emotions. I don't think I've ever learnt to control them properly, and it makes me think it's also an ADHD thing..but could ADHD just be a scapegoat for my shortcomings? It's actually parenting that made me realize my control's whacked; how could I teach my boys to control their emotions, if I really don't have a handle on mine? I think adulting also involves a lot of self-realization, which is...fun....? For the lack of a better term.
Or is that just motherhood? You lose parts of yourself when catering to other's seemingly endless needs, and when you get a chance to put that on 'pause', you now have the chance to rediscover what you've turned into. It really is a blissful pause; I totally sympathize with parents who lost their shit when schools closed during lockdown. I also think kids need that healthy break away from their parents, to be able to grow. Too much comfort results in stagnation, right? Something like that.
When thoughts get too overwhelming, I remind myself everything has already been planned by the best of Planners. This includes the uncertainty that comes with life - it's okay to relinquish control from time to time. I don't know where I was going with this, but a thought just popped into my head: I absolutely hate it when people ask me, 'what are you going to do now?' when they find out my boys are finally going to school. They make me doubt myself for wanting to take a well-deserved break after 8 long, anxiety-inducing years. I feel like they think I'm lazy, for opting not to throw myself into the workforce.
The chores aren't going to do themselves, are they? I'm still running this household and making sure everyone's needs are being met, even if I'm not homeschooling my boys anymore. If I get an hour or 2 to myself during that time, why do I then feel so guilty for saying I'm 'unemployed'? It really gets to me - I've also been accused of not 'doing something' with my 'God-gifted talent', letting my mind be 'idle'. If only they could 'read' my mind for a minute - it's anything but idle! I would LIKE a quiet, idle moment or two..to be honest. "Why don't you publish something?" Yeah, like..would you pay to read my two cents on absolutely everything, nothing, and then some? 'So and so has done this or is doing that - why can't you?' Well, for starters - and a very cliche statement's about to follow - I'm not them, am I? I'm me, and I don't even know what 'me' is anymore...which is why I'm trying to find out but your as*holic, holier-than-thou self is out here telling me I 'need to give back to the community' and 'earn my cut'.
It almost makes me feel like we now live in a world where you don't deserve to live, unless you have a paycheck. And that's a sickening thought, because to be employed..I'm going to have to employ others to do the unpaid work I do everyday at home. Given today's economy, it's very unlikely I'll even make enough to do so, so where would that leave me, then? Too exhausted to do anything whole-heartedly, really. So yes, I'd rather forego the 'benefits of a double-income household'...and if I'm going to be judged for it, so be it.
It's funny how you can be a stay-at-home parent if you're rolling in millions, so to speak. You have all the household help you want, and you're considered the 'elite' as you spend your day spending the millions on 'self-love' and 'self-care'..regardless of whether or not you've made said-millions. The middle-class aims to be you, whilst struggling to balance work and family life.
"I'm already struggling with my mental health - I don't need to add more on my plate right now", is probably what I should lead with...and end the discussion with, right?
I've absolutely struggled with, and abhorred being called 'lazy' during every stage of my life. What a shocker, ain't it? I've also done everything I've possibly could to overcompensate for it, but I think I'm just tired now. Mentally and emotionally, especially. If whether or not I bring money to the table is the deciding factor of how 'beneficial' I am to society, f*ck it. 'Lazy' and 'useless' I choose to be labeled. Almost terms of endearment really, if I get to live life on my terms.
If anyone should benefit from my presence, it should be my loved ones. And if they aren't benefiting from it because I'm too tired trying to be beneficial to blood-sucking leeches? You get the idea.
Right, we're done here for now. I already feel the repercussions of this post, but it had to be said. As I was writing this post, someone called me and casually asked if I have any plans of 'working outside' or 'from home'. For as long as I can manage, the answer is always going to be a flat 'no'. If this blog turns into something else, then we'll see where we go from there. 'Til then, I need to fill my own cup before I can fill anyone else's. And right now, we're using a dropper to fill a sieve...because people keep replacing the goddamn cup. It took EIGHT YEARS to get here - it's not even been one and a half month since my boys started school! What's the difference between these people and those who ask newlyweds when they're going to have a baby, a month into their marriage? Not much. They probably need to find a job that keeps them out of others' business.
....Looks like we're on a roll here with this rant, eh? Well, it's time to 'find greener pastures'; I have less than an hour left to find something calming to do, so my babies don't return to find a momster. People and their undying curiosity, man. If only they actually put it to good use!
Until next time.
