Salaaaaaam Allah 'Alykm Readers,
I always turn to this blog when my mind's in a turmoil. It was a lot easier to vent as a teenager, though. As a mother and wife, it's almost 'frowned upon' because 'why are you airing your dirty laundry?', right? Can I have two question marks like that, in a sentence? Lord Knows years of schooling my babies has a done a number to my brain. Not that I'm complaining - Alhamdulillah, I have the ability to do so amidst the colossal shit that hit the fan, and rained down over the world. It almost feels like I'm back in school all over again.
It also makes me wary, the fact that someday my boys might find my blog online and read the mess I once was. 7yo is already reading like a champ, mashallah...& 5yo is getting there, Alhamdulillah. A mess, or a 'diamond in the rough'? Blekh. A bit narcissistic that, innit? But what about 'self-worth' and all that jazz?
Where do you cross the fine line between 'self-love' and narcissism, I've always wondered?
It's funny how the unmarried cannot wait to get married, and live a 'blissfully married life', and the married look at them like, 'But you're already living a blissfully responsibility-free life, ya idiot!' I've been on both sides, and the grass truly looks greener when you feel like you're stuck in a pile of cow pat. An opportunist would turn the cow pat into an outdoor oven, and cook a meal. Or maybe even build a little hut. Lord Knows I've triiiied to 'look at the bright side', but it can be blinding. At least when you're a pessimist, you're prepared for the worst. You use the shit to build a wall around yourself, or at the very least...sling it over at those who try to mock you for being in it.
Clearly, I do not know where I'm going with this post.
I'm just writing to 'feel better'. I'm just trying to 'feel better' without 'airing my dirty laundry'. This reminds me of all the posts I'd written well past midnight, when I was procrastinating finishing university assignments and projects. Bittersweet memory, really. I used to be sitting on the floor of my parent's bedroom, with the LAN cable shoved into my ol' brick of a Dell laptop. It was funny - the freezing cold tiles were funnily offset by the laptop 'frying my ovaries' into oblivion. HAH! Clearly, that was a lie...judging from how fast we had our boys.
Guilt.
Always sitting on a mahoosive pile of it. Kinda like the afore-mentioned pile of shit, really. Like, 'me time' is never really 'ME time' - it's always 'gotta finish a chore or two, to have 'earned' this time..but then, before I know it..'me time' is up. ...Could I have published my 'work' and become an author, instead? Could I have had the 'upper hand', instead of being the 'stay at home parent, who has it 'easy'? It almost makes me want to chortle - 'easy'. 'Cos I don't have to 'face the outside world', I 'never leave my comfort zone'. What's so tough about 'being in your PJs all day, with no 'schedule' or 'deadlines' to meet, right?
I'm currently staring at an empty bottle on the floor. How hard is it to throw a bottle of water or juice into the recyling bin, after you're done? Clearly, it's almost impossible in this household. Wait..does this count as 'airing my dirty laundry'? Sorry, let's move on. My train of thoughts has been derailed by my 5yo, who's chosen to lie down next to me with his RockIt Twist. (A lovely gift for a kid aged 4-8, btw. Also, this is not an endorsement..I genuinely think it's an awesome 'replacement' for parents hell-bent on not getting their children a device. Props to us all, btw - it is HARD, in this day and age!)
Sometimes, I think I need to prove my worth somehow.
Then I think about how I don't 'owe it to anybody' - y'know? I look at my boys and think, 'they're proof I'm good enough...aren't I?' And that leads to another horrific cycle of 'OMG, I'm not narcisssistic..Am I?!' which leads to me chewing the hell out of my fingers.
Yeah, for those of you who have known me since my 'troublesome teens', I still nail/finger-bite. Is that a thing - chewing the skin around the fingers and not really the nails? As gross as it sounds, I think I'll probably do it right to my deathbed. Not really a 'nail-biter' anymore, so that's kinda 'progress', right?
Is it too much to expect to be understood?
I don't even want an apology at this rate - just the acknowledgment that - where sticks and stones may break my bones, your words are like a dagger repeatedly twisted in my heart...as cliché as that f**king is. Excuse my French, please. I try not to swear 'cos I'm a parent now and all that jazz, & they're supposed to make us better people. Am I really better than I was, though? I feel like someone's taken a club to my brain and heart, and played 'Brick Breaker'. Or 'Pinball'...between the two. Does that make any sense? It might not - it's been donkey's years since I played any games, after all.
I need to end this post, prematurely. Just like my babies were born. It's probably for the best, anyway. Remember what I said about 'guilt' and 'me-time'? Shit hits the fan when 'Mama goes MIA', or 'off-duty'. Never appreciated, nevertheless...it's my 'comfort zone' after all, right?
This little rant seems so out of place, especially when I think about all the people being displaced worldwide. 'There are bigger problems out there - stop being so self-centered all the time.' There's war and poverty, torment and death. I have it easy - 'first world problems', right?
May Allah have Mercy on us all, and Forgive us for our ingratitude.
Feel free to drop a comment or two, Readers - it's been a hot minute. Some wisdomous words, if you will..'cos no matter how old I get, I'll always be the tumultous teen, when I started this blog. In my head, that is. Cannot be that in reality, 'cos I have expectations to live up to and some shit like that.
Anyway, 'til next time - who knows? It might be sooner than later. Or never.
Stay safe wherever you are,
Was Salaam 'Alykm w Rahmatullahi T'ala w Barakateh
