Knock, knock!

Salam Allah 3lykm, dearest readers!

Man, that last blog post was a tad bit depressive....and dramatic, might I add. I don't know, I feel like now that I'm 32 - to think I started this blog when I was in my teens..like whaaaat?! - I feel like I'm a smidge bit more mentally stable. 

Life's too short to waste it on being a Debbie Downer, innit? Probably also has a bit to do with not wanting to scar my boys for life too, you know? I want to raise 'happy chappies', if I can. Yes, amidst a pandemic - is that really too much to ask for?

By the way, this is a very old-school blog post - I'm just typing my thoughts out as they come to me. Also, now that my 6yo can read, Mashallah - I want to be able to put out less negativity out there in print form, in case he comes across it someday. That won't be anytime soon, though - that's for sure. Too tiny to be on the Internet on his lonesome. 

Also, you hear all about social media being a double-edged sword - it really is. I feel like ever since I've come out of a 'social media coma', I'm a lot less....edgier? Understandable, as I'm not teetering on the edge of a sword. I'm a lot more present and productive. 

Prioritize family and loved ones, and abstain from the fake, dopamine high of social media. That's my main goal during this lockdown. And to keep my boys' screen time minimal. Unless we're collectively watching classic cartoons as a family. Then, it's quite alright.

Also, minimize squabbles. If I have the option between throwing a hissy fit over absolutely nothing, and just getting shit done - then I'll opt for the latter, thank you very much. Peace of mind is crucial, and I'd rather not be the one robbing myself of it. I did a lot of that, which is probably what made me so miserable. 

Can I just say, I've made peace with the fact that some days are just for work, and those are the days I clock the best kind of sleep. I've also had to teach myself to see the beauty in doing things for others - that is the kind of dopamine hit social media is robbing US of!? All those endless and absolutely senseless debates on whether women should do stuff for men, and vice versa?? Nobody needs to see that crap, honestly. If you're a decent person, you'd help people regardless of your gender and theirs.

Right, my train of thoughts has been derailed by 4yo trying to fly his Super Wing's toy into my face, and the old me would lament over not getting enough time to myself. I've now realized that's just his way of wanting my time, and he deserves it. Now that I've brought structure into my family's lives by adjusting our sleep schedule, I get my 'me time' when they wind down for the night. So, this is rightfully 'their time' right now that I've infringed upon....

'Til next time, 

Stay safe, stay home.💖

It's a Boy!

Salaaaam Allaahhh 3lykm!

'Where have I been all these months? I didn't even realize how long it's been since I last gave this blog any attention, to be quite honest. Well, it's finally happened; I was 15 when I took the alias of 'um3eesa' or 'um3awas'.....on the 2nd of October, Muhammad Eesa Khan finally came into our world.
Yes, that's where I've been..pregnancy was anything but easy, but the result was totally worth it. I now understand how women can have such rough pregnancies, yet do it all over again several times. They're not insane, as I initially assumed. Well, exceptions exist..I suppose!
Being a mother is super exhausting; sleep becomes a thing of the past. My little cherub tends to stay up all night, & sleeps while I nurse him throughout the day. Motherhood is a superpower on its own, though - I'm alive on less than 4 hours of sleep, Sb7analla. I don't feel sleep-deprived anymore; I suppose it's his cuteness that powers me on.'

I don't even remember when I starting writing this post, but as I complete it, Eesa will be 13 months old tomorrow, Al7mdlla. A lot has changed in life, obviously..but one thing I hate is, I've stopped writing. Completely. The last piece I wrote was well over a year ago. In fact, I don't think I have it in me to write anymore. Even if I do write, I won't have anything positive to say. We have enough negativity going around the world; don't really need to add to it, now do I? Don't exactly want people 'reading between the lines', scrutinizing every paragraph, and jumping to assumptions, either.

Why do I feel like I've said these words before? I'd probably find them in a post, if I were to go through my posts. Anyway, Eesa is now 3 months shy of 2 years, Al7mdlla...and will be a big brother in October, Inshallah. That's how long it has been since I last blogged. 

I won't lie..I don't have the desire to write anymore. Maybe it's because I don't have a laptop since May 2014, maybe it's because Bu3awas didn't give my writing much attention, when my blog was my pride and joy..I don't know the reason, but all I know is...I feel like I've completely lost the one talent I had. Now, with Bumpkin on the way..it's going to be another few years before I manage to get any 'me time'...which is why I decided to sit my butt down, and update my neglected blog.

Needless to say, Bu3awas has been after me to resume blogging, and has been very encouraging altogether...a tad bit late, don't you think?!xD Rabbi yjzeeh elfrdous, nevertheless. It might help salvage whatever sanity hasn't been shot to hell by motherhood. How I'm going to manage taking care of a newborn, whilst running after a toddler...is beyond my understanding. But I know one thing for sure: When He brings you to it, He brings you through it. That's what I'm clinging on to, for dear life.

I think this post is now long enough to suffice as an update. It might even be the one that brings me back to the blogosphere..wallahu a3lam. I must admit, I'm thoroughly enjoying typing my thoughts out, watching them transform into words right before my eyes! Maybe this is what I've needed all along...

Anyway, 'til next time...and hopefully it won't be when I'm expecting my third munchkin, because that's not going to be for quite a few years from now. It would be a shame to give up on this unexplainable feeling of clattering away on keys..basically doing something that isn't baby-related!

Drop a comment or two, if you want this blog to come back to life.

و السلام عليكم و رحمة الله تعالى و بركاته

  

A New Dawn

Salam 3lykm,

Yesterday's post was written in bitterness, anger, & pain. Al7mdlla, I'm recuperating from my 'breakdown', or should I say, 'state of utter madness'? I heard an Islamic lecture whilst doing some household chores today, & typically, I'll admit I had a craze for lectures, once upon a time. But now, on very rare occasions would you find me listening to one; not necessarily a good thing, really.

It was on "el 7ilm" - and the story was that about 3thman bin 6al7a, Ra'9yallah 3nh. Anyway, when the scholar said, "Rasulullah صلى الله عليه و سلم was deeply saddened, & wished to spend his last moments in Makkah, his hometown, in the remembrance of His Lord.." that struck a chord. Here, I was lamenting about not 'belonging' anywhere, & being an 'illegal immigrant'; here, I was ranting about the instability that plagues the life of an expat. Yet, I'd clearly forgotten how Rasulullah صلى الله عليه و سلم was driven out of his homeland, by his own people! I'd clearly forgotten about the biggest form of instability that looms over every single living being's life: Death. 

What's the use of a visa, let alone citizenship, when the Angel of Death stands before you, ready to extract your soul? Death is inevitable, & as per 7deeth, a present for believers. Yet, its time is unknown to us. We are given reminders, as the souls of our loved ones depart from this world, one by one, but we rarely pay any heed to the fact that it is a reminder.

Yes, this house holds a lot of memories, but so does this world, doesn't it? One day, these memories won't really matter anymore. Yes, it has been over a year since I got married, but would I have learned what I learned, had we been living together from the very first night? Maybe I had to endure this stress for a good reason. Maybe someday, I'll come across someone going through the same predicament, someone who feels like this world is slowly closing up on her, & as vast as it may be, there's no room for her in it, besides 6ft under. Maybe then I'll be able to tell her, it'll all pass..& when it does, she'll realize it was truly worth it.

It is true what Rasulullah صلى الله عليه و سلم said about us women; we truly are ناقصات العقل و الدين We panic at the slightest turbulence in our lives, forgetting the reward for those who wait patiently for it to pass. At this instance, only one thing comes to mind: الحمد لله على نعمة الإسلام و كفى بها من نعمة

رَبَّنَا ظَلَمۡنَآ أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمۡ تَغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَتَرۡحَمۡنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ ٱلۡخَـٰسِرِينَ

Change

Salam 3lykm,

Ugh, down with what seems like the flu. Couldn't breathe properly last night, because my nose was blocked, & I can't sleep unless the covers are pulled up over my head..so I ended up writing again. You can tell my thoughts were all scrambled up, but guess what? Not only did I manage to fall asleep til 530AM, but I also found the piece quite therapeutic. Feeling very light-headed as I type, so let's get on with it, shall we?

As I stand before the mirror, I fail to recognize the girl staring back at me. People said I would change, but I vehemently denied it. Why would I let a total stranger change me?!

My husband changed me. Everyday, I let go of yet another piece of me, in exchange for his happiness. I'm not 'selfless' at all; in fact, I do it for myself, really. His happiness brightens up my life, and sculpts my Hereafter. Totally selfish. 

It can become quite a struggle, and I'll admit..I'm scared. Hell, I'm terrified of starting a new life together. I'm known to give in to denial, turn around, and shut the world out. I'm known to resort to the solace I find in isolation. But my worst fear is giving up. 

It's beautiful now, al7mdlla..absolutely befuddled by marriage at this stage. But..isn't everyone? It's just the beginning. Will I be able to make the same claim, a few years down the line? This is what terrifies me.

..Then again, my Creator knows what is best for me, and it's comforting to realize my marriage is a big leap of faith. It leaves me knowing my Sustainer won't leave me stranded..

Arranged or not, my marriage is meant to be. 

Blissfully Forgotten

Salam 3lykm

You know how they say..'your face will forever stay imprinted in my mind, and I'll never forget you for as long as I live' about someone you cared about? Funny thing is, you actually do look back at things that once made you cry, and laugh. Sb7analla, I stumbled across some really old files on my PC..& I couldn't help bursting into a fit of crazy giggles, LOL.x$

I have long forgotten what you look like, let alone what you sound like. Your name has become like countless other names out there, Al7mdlla. I try to remember that which I tried for SO long to forget, yet it is like you & I never happened. Al7mdlla.

So here's some consolation for those of you out there, who think they're going through a heart-piercing breakup: time heals. I swear I didn't believe that for as long as I was told it, but someday, you'll be able to look at it as just another experience. Merely another valuable lesson learned.

And here's some advice for you 'lil ones' out there: as irresistible and intriguing the media makes a premarital relationship seem, I swear you're better off waiting for your spouse, trust me. Relationships are only the hard way around learning why intermingling of the sexes is forbidden in Islam, if you ask me.

Don't demean those three valuable words..save 'em for the one who actually proves it to you in ink. *Think 'the legal bond', not a friggin' love letter, mind you ._.* Save 'em for the one who legalizes his/her love for you in front of the entire world.

Treat "I love you" like something sacred; indeed, the only one worthy of it is he/she who isn't reluctant/afraid of letting the world know..it's only YOU he/she wants to spend the rest of his/her life with.

PS. This post wasn't supposed to be all mushy, gooey, and lovey-dovey; it just took a sudden turn in that direction.xD
PPS. I deemed premarital relationships wrong long before I got married, right after I'd gone down the 'wrong way'..to the notorious 'Dark Side'.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

The Legal Bond - Part 2 ;)

Salam 3lykm

Remember 'The Legal Bond'? You don't? (Shame on you!=.=)
Lemme refresh your memory then (A) :P

The Legal Bond

Pools of honey,
Framed by upturned drapes of silk;
Hills small and rosy,
Surrounded by a frozen body of milk.

Rosy riverbanks,
Protecting long-hardened snow
Beauty for which a man thanks,
He who did Bestow...

Emeralds that sparkle,
Rain-kissed locks that flow;
Fiery cheekbones that startle,
Milky complexion aglow.

Well-defined jaw-line,
Beautified by a lush beard;
Pearls of perspiration a-shine,
Full lips...so clear.

...As the ink stains paper,
A contract's being signed;
Solid evidence for later,
Hearts & Souls legally intertwined.

I know...*siiigh* :P We'll all get our 'legal bonds' writ in due time, Inshalla!\o/ xD

Well, one of my first assignments was to write a descriptive essay, and knowing how I'm so preoccupied with one thought, I decided to take up the challenge of writing it out of my own poem. Wasn't really a challenge; more like a heart-tugging ordeal!:P Needless to say, this essay got an A. (A) ;D I didn't change the title, of course..I dedicate this to Miss 'Zaini' ;D love ya babe!<3>

Freshly-cut grass glistened under the moonlight, a tell-tale sign it had rained yet once again. No one could have guessed that it was only a few hours ago, that two strangers had vowed to share their lives with each other. Burn-out marks adorned the driveway, where the groom’s brother decided to add some more noise that would temporarily ring in the ears of startled guests, long after the newlyweds had been driven off to the airport, to commence their long-awaited honeymoon.

Little did the newlyweds know that April showers might threaten to ruin the celebration of a lifetime. It was for that reason that everyone had to be ushered into the house once again, tickled with happiness at the joyous event. Young girls twittered gleefully in their matching frocks and boys complained about being suited up in tuxedos, as their mothers looked on over them anxiously, assuring they stayed clean. Young men and women followed in suit, keeping their gazes floored, not only to avoid any awkwardness during accidental eye-contact with each other, but also to avoid the piercing glares of their elders who watched over them like hawks.

Once indoors, quietening the excited guests down proved to be quite a challenge. Impatient with anticipation, some of them also tried to get to the room where the official ceremony was about to take place. However, adhering strictly to their religion, the two families had decided that the bride would only be shown to the female guests, thus abandoning the tradition of seating the newlyweds on a decorated stage. Suddenly aware of the sound system’s final adjustments, their chaotic demeanor was gradually transformed. As the scholar began speaking into the microphone, their murmurs died down, and pin-drop silence prevailed.

The scene was picture-perfect: never had there been such a beautiful couple before. The match looked like it had definitely been made in heaven. Pools of honey, framed by long, silken eyelashes, threatened to betray the bride’s nervousness, as she hung her head down low shyly. Her cheeks were flushed by the sudden, short burst of activity that had taken place, all thanks to the usually-welcomed April showers. As the scholar asked her husband whether he would take her as his life partner, she raised her head slightly, biting nervously on her trembling, rosy lips.

As he took the pen in his hands, she could not help noticing the agile, yet graceful strokes with which he solemnized his vows. His grip was steady, but she could see the pearls of perspiration that shone above his lips. As she watched on, he nervously ran his fingers through his lush beard, which embellished his well-defined jaw-line. His fierce cheekbones went ablaze, creating a startling contrast against his glowing, milky complexion. She stifled a smile that played upon her lips, displaying a perfect array of pearly-whites. Putting the pen down, he slowly lifted his head up to meet her gaze.

She gasped as the pair of intense emeralds looked back at her. Framed by rain-kissed locks of ebony, his illuminated face forced her gaze back down, as a blush crept up her cheeks. As the certificate was passed onto her after she had verbally agreed to the holy matrimony, she tried to secure her grip on the pen, hands trembling like a leaf. A tear escaped her eye, rolling down like a magnificent pearl, its rebellion being met with a hastened demise. She blinked away many tears that followed in suit, only to meet a dire consequence for straying away.

As the ink stained paper, it took her husband a lot of self-restraint to avoid getting up, and taking her into his arms. Dew glistened on roses so crimson, that even blood would shy away in comparison. It was only as the pen made its last mark that she realized, the deed lying in front of her – beautified by their contrasting signatures – was solid evidence for later, that their hearts and souls had legally intertwined.

W.O.W: 'Waayy OverWhelmed'

Salam 3lykm

Sh7alkm?=) La, this isn't a poem or a lecture..neither is it a story, etc..it's one of those random posts about my not-so-exciting life. ;P On the contrary. I'm a few months away from a double graduation, w lillah el7md. Overwhelmed.

I've survived 21 yrs of my life, lol...major achievement! It's 2010 and this blog still lives; evidence to the tumultuous few years I've had. Right now, I'm happy..w lillah el7md. Yes, I come over these crazy bouts of depression when marriage comes to mind..lol..but I'm sure Bu 3eesa is worth the wait. And all the pain. <3

Speaking of which, I still have not got used to قال أبو عيسى in Tirmidhi classes, m3ena my last year is coming to an end. :') Last academic year. Of course, once a 6alib(at) al 3elm, always a 6alib(at) al 3elm! The feeling is unexplainable; I never thought I'd see this year, walla...'double graduation' :') هذا من فضل ربي

I realize I've hurt a lot of people during my 'healing' period; I'm sorry...I know mere words do little to the scars I've inflicted upon you, but I was a lost soul myself..To all those I've hurt intentionally or unintentionally..please forgive me..

I came to this with pages and pages of despair and pain, but I leave this with a smile of content upon my face, and maybe a stray tear or two. To all those who inflicted pain upon me: I thank you for all the valuable lessons you taught me through that pain. No, I'm not crazy...I mean it.

And to a person who stood by me for a long time through the toughest years of my life...the one who always said: 'what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger'...I owe you big time. I still question why things went the way they did, but I guess I can be overwhelming at times. If you're reading this, Thank You..and this comes from the depth of my heart, mind you. ;')

Wow, as I write...the smile spreads upon my face; it's turning into a grin now..;D Walla writing is amazingly therapeutic. To all my 'Silent Readers': thank you for enlightening my page with your mysterious presence. ;) I give up on trying to get you to leave your fingerprints behind; next thing I'ma do is destroy all the damn 'glove factories' in the world!;P

And last but not least, Stalkers: stop prowling about, trying to pounce on me like a lion would pounce on its dinner, please. I'm guessing most of you know my email address, so just drop me a line of hatred, instead. Free yourselves from the captivity you're restricted by; live your life, and make the most of it...'cuz you only get this, ONE chance. Don't 'break' it...MAKE it. =)

I bid you all farewell, 'til next time <3

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

A Harsh Reality

Salam 3lykm,
Sh7alkm, Dear Readers? Last night, a weird feeling overtook me and y'all know what follows weird feelings :P A poem!*Not always, but most of the times anyway!* It wasn't more of a realization as such as it was acceptance of something I've been in denial of...by choice, of course. It is but a harsh reality=) I leave you with my latest...

I'll be the one to wipe away my own tears, I'll be the one who'll make myself smile; I'll be the one to support myself thru the years, I'll be the one who'll make my life worthwhile.

I'll do it all because you were the ones who made me cry, I'll do it all because on your faces there were disapproving frowns; I'll do it all knowing there will come a time when I'll die, and - while you'll all walk away - i'll be left all alone 6ft underground.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Blog Stats

Salam 3lykm

Just a quick post to thank all of my blog's readers for taking the time to read the psychotic stuff I tend to churn on a regular basis ;) Thanks guys, without you...this blog would seriously not exist..

Al7mdulillah the 'bounce-rate' has decreased significantly, which tells me I should keep my posts short and 'sweet' from now on :P Most hits came from the UAE, followed by KSA, and Pakistan. What really cheered me up was the fact that the number of 'returning visitors' is double that of the 'new' ones; to all those 'Loyal Readers' - I don't know who most of you are, but here's a big THANK YOU going out to each one of you!:D

I also notice a couple of 'Stalker Stats' around here; it's okay as long as you don't get freaky, feel free to look around for whatever it is you stalkers look for :P I wouldn't really know, because I have not reached that stage, yet!:P

I have one complaint though; there's a MAJOR lack of feedback around here! =( Forget about praises; I would love to see some constructive criticism or even suggestions around this blog! I've given you your right to anonymity, haven't I?(A) You don't know how many times I've been feeling real low, and a mere two-lined comment from a happy reader is enough to pull me out of a really vicious spiral of depression! (No, I don't suffer from bipolar disorder, in case it ever crossed your mind :P Just a WHOLE LOT of STRESS!)

A few 'upcoming developments' in 2010:

1. A makeover <- Polls suggest otherwise so far, but I think it would be a nice change =) 2. I've been asked by a lot of people to consider publishing my 'junk' <- might do something about it! 3. A realistic novel without the usual, ANNOYING happy ending!:P <- Story-line known =) 4. A break on all the 'love-related' posts; reclining more towards Psychology, Inshalla (unless I get married, of course!xD) Once again, I'd like to thank you ALL for cheering me up unintentionally, by gracing this blog with your precious presence - Muchas Gracias!:D

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

'Weird'

Salam 3lykm

I'd like to share a random thought I had while staring at the beautiful cloudy skies, as we drove to DXB today:

When someone calls you 'weird'-take it as a compliment; it's only jealousy that leaves a bitter film on their tongue, thus preventing them from calling you 'unique' ;)

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

The Awaited Arrival

Salam 3lykm

I've been up for more than 24 hours so far, spending 8 or more hours in front of my laptop, working on a project. As I was typing, I realized something was wrong. In my delirious state, I had typed lines that made absolutely no sense...at least not in THAT paragraph. I liked them very much though, and yet again, only a few minutes later...a poem before my very eyes..:P

Lol, at least now I'll be able to finish up my work peacefully now - although I think I'm coming down with the flu...AGAIN. Right before university reopens. Convenient, much? -.-

'Nuff said - I present to you, 'The Awaited Arrival'

I impatiently await your arrival

Crossing days off my life

Thoughts of you; my survival

Lines carved in with a knife

Love confused with lust

I have been inflicted by pain

The source has bitten dust

Leaving behind only a name

Feelings all gone...extinct

Having delivered my final blow

Heart and mind never linked

A spontaneous decision to go

I’ve fled...seeking your shelter

Leaving havoc behind in my wake

With each line, my heart does smelter

Attaining purification from all my mistakes

Your special arrival; a grand celebration

To you I will present my purified heart

Of my painful torment; a signification

For a new life with you; a fresh start

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

*Edited for mistakes; all thanks to Bu Thyab for pointing them out!:D*