Friday, February 27, 2009

My Soul's Demise

Salam 3lykm

This blog has finally gone private, but I might make it public again after 2 months or so...depending on whether I'm still alive, or whether this blog still is.

I leave you with something I wrote today..


My Soul's Demise

You look at me & think you know it all
Has it occurred to you I'm living a lie?
Undoubtedly I've been shattered by the fall
And my dead soul can no longer deny

Their expectations have buckled me down
At whatever I've done so far, I've failed
Heart break was the only thing I found
And my entire life has been derailed

Some would say it's what I deserve
for allowing myself to be lead astray
I really thought my chastity I'd preserve
He could never be the one who would play

It was not his looks, wealth, origin, or personality
The main attraction was his Deen
I'd never met anyone like him in my life's entirety
Whatever we had seemed like a dream

I was a fool to believe those 3 words
At the time, I didn't feel for him the same way
My initial reply was incredibly absurd
I was shocked & didn't know what else to say

'Some day'..I hoped his disease would go away
But he died..yet my heart still bleeds for him
Never did I believe would come the day
Where he'd give in to his pleasure & whim

He played the most murderous mind games
Killed me & took Deen as his shield
Brutally stabbed in my heart his name
Then left me to bleed in the battlefield

Four years later, tears glisten on my cheeks
Knowing..in less than a month, he'll officially be someone's man
While I psychotically pour my feelings onto sheets
Wel-aware of the fact that this heartbreak I will never withstand

I blame myself for all the pain I feel
I will never be capable of loving again
I should've known something SO close to perfect can never be real
It's solely because of me that my soul...now lies slain

It took a lot of guts to post something so revealing, but I'm sick and tired of being judged all the time. I seem like the girl who has never done anything wrong, and people expect too much from me. The expectations are breaking me down, day by day. I know myself, I know the mistakes I've made...I've gone through too much in a very short time. I'm only 20, but I feel like I'm 10 years older. I hide behind the 'immature' front, because it makes me feel like a care-free child all over again. This is only 1/8th of what pulls me down - and what kills me even more is that HE KNEW the remaining 7/8th, promised to be there for me...and then shamelessly...heartlessly...played me. All this, while claiming to love my brother like his own.

If you ever get to read this, I first want to congratulate you on getting married..and second, no one will EVER know who you are. They might hear about what you've done, because keeping it inside for all this time has only succeeded in eroding my insides...but I will never bring shame to your name. If you ever read this, I want to know why you did what you did; why you went through all the trouble of getting down to the point of having our mothers exchange their numbers..and then, playing me.

Clearly...your claim of wanting to make it '7alaal' was just a scam. You KNOW you couldn't get me any other way..so you played the 'marriage' card. Maybe...the only satisfaction out of this all is the fact YOU YOURSELF claimed..I beat you to your own game..Thank You..for that. As absurd as this may sound...I don't know HOW I cornered you, because as I read through our old emails..I can't recognize the words as my own. I really applaud myself for THIS ONCE, for writing such stable emails in THAT frame of mind. As you would like to put it: قدر الله, ما شاء فعل

Readers..I hate to have disappointed you with this post..but I have reached a state where my Mom and bros can now sense something is REALLY wrong. Yes..March..he'll be gone. Officially. But wait..didn't I say he's dead? He is..and I'd never marry his replacement even if I were paid to. Unfortunately, I'm deeply in love with someone who doesn't exist anymore...not for anything else..other than his Deen.

Someone please do the world a favor, and shoot me. I'm too psychotic to be allowed to live, but I won't give you any more evidence of my madness. I believe I have shared more than was necessary...but necessary it was...to prevent me from doing something as drastic as..yet another 7araam and failed attempt on my life.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Process Halted

Salam 3lykm

Just a quick post to let y'all know the whole 'going private' process is halted, 'til further notice. Oh, and I might not be updating as often as I usually do - new semester, 6 courses..uni EVERYDAY. Will be taking summer courses, too..so I can graduate next summer Inshalla...w aftek min these money-hungry, slave drivers.

So far, all good al7mdulillah - professors are great, work load is increasin' ever-so-steadily *ok, so nothin' great there..but yeah..* by the end of june, I should be thru wit a total of 99/129 credit hours *who the hell cares?:P* leavin' me wit a balanced '5 courses per semester' LAST year..of course, that's only if ADU registrar don't manage to screw me over again.

Inshalla 5ayr - d3watkom dear readers ^_^

wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi t3ala w barakateh

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Going Private

Salam 3lykm,

I'm going private on my blog for a number of personal reasons. If you'd like to be a reader, please email me at lookin4justice@hotmail.com

I'll probably go private within the next week or so.

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Arablish :D

Salam 3lykm

This is a quick 'reference' post if you will - a favor I'm doin' for the people who come across me or other 'Arablishers' over the net, or else where! If you wonder what all those numbers mean, wonder NO MORE...behold the Arablish Key: *sorry for the delay btw, guys!*

2 = ء

3 = ع

‘3 = غ

5 = خ

6 = ط

‘6 = ظ

7 = ح

8 = ق

9 = ص

‘9 = ض


Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh :D

O' Heart of Mine

Salam 3lykm

I'm BACK al7mdulillah, and the separation was VERY depressing - cried for a long, long time during the journey...اللهم ارزقني شهادة في سبيلك و موتا في بلد حبيبك - Ameen.

Anyway, I wrote a poem on the 26th of Jan, while we were in Madinah...and it is one of the most unique ones I've ever written. It might seemed disconnected and jumbled up - not to mention, SIMPLE! - but this is EXACTLY how I felt as I wrote it - RAW, NON MANIPULATED, feelings. Again, this was therapy..

O' heart of mine
Do not despair
Indeed you pine
For something that's not there

O' heart of mine
Why don't you heal?
Remember The Divine
Change how you feel

O' heart of mine
Thank Allah for everything & more
Or you may fail to find
All the open doors

O' heart of mine
Beat only for The One
Leave all else behind
Put an end to what's begun

O' heart of mine
Have I lost you to death?!
Or do I STILL have time
'Til I breathe my last breath?

Oh wretched heart of mine!
You are void of His Love!
O' committer of a heinous crime!
Surrender to the One Lord above!

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh