This blog has finally gone private, but I might make it public again after 2 months or so...depending on whether I'm still alive, or whether this blog still is.
I leave you with something I wrote today..
My Soul's Demise
You look at me & think you know it all
Has it occurred to you I'm living a lie?
Undoubtedly I've been shattered by the fall
And my dead soul can no longer deny
Their expectations have buckled me down
At whatever I've done so far, I've failed
Heart break was the only thing I found
And my entire life has been derailed
Some would say it's what I deserve
for allowing myself to be lead astray
I really thought my chastity I'd preserve
He could never be the one who would play
It was not his looks, wealth, origin, or personality
The main attraction was his Deen
I'd never met anyone like him in my life's entirety
Whatever we had seemed like a dream
I was a fool to believe those 3 words
At the time, I didn't feel for him the same way
My initial reply was incredibly absurd
I was shocked & didn't know what else to say
'Some day'..I hoped his disease would go away
But he died..yet my heart still bleeds for him
Never did I believe would come the day
Where he'd give in to his pleasure & whim
He played the most murderous mind games
Killed me & took Deen as his shield
Brutally stabbed in my heart his name
Then left me to bleed in the battlefield
Four years later, tears glisten on my cheeks
Knowing..in less than a month, he'll officially be someone's man
While I psychotically pour my feelings onto sheets
Wel-aware of the fact that this heartbreak I will never withstand
I blame myself for all the pain I feel
I will never be capable of loving again
I should've known something SO close to perfect can never be real
It's solely because of me that my soul...now lies slain
It took a lot of guts to post something so revealing, but I'm sick and tired of being judged all the time. I seem like the girl who has never done anything wrong, and people expect too much from me. The expectations are breaking me down, day by day. I know myself, I know the mistakes I've made...I've gone through too much in a very short time. I'm only 20, but I feel like I'm 10 years older. I hide behind the 'immature' front, because it makes me feel like a care-free child all over again. This is only 1/8th of what pulls me down - and what kills me even more is that HE KNEW the remaining 7/8th, promised to be there for me...and then shamelessly...heartlessly...played me. All this, while claiming to love my brother like his own.
If you ever get to read this, I first want to congratulate you on getting married..and second, no one will EVER know who you are. They might hear about what you've done, because keeping it inside for all this time has only succeeded in eroding my insides...but I will never bring shame to your name. If you ever read this, I want to know why you did what you did; why you went through all the trouble of getting down to the point of having our mothers exchange their numbers..and then, playing me.
Clearly...your claim of wanting to make it '7alaal' was just a scam. You KNOW you couldn't get me any other way..so you played the 'marriage' card. Maybe...the only satisfaction out of this all is the fact YOU YOURSELF claimed..I beat you to your own game..Thank You..for that. As absurd as this may sound...I don't know HOW I cornered you, because as I read through our old emails..I can't recognize the words as my own. I really applaud myself for THIS ONCE, for writing such stable emails in THAT frame of mind. As you would like to put it: قدر الله, ما شاء فعل
Readers..I hate to have disappointed you with this post..but I have reached a state where my Mom and bros can now sense something is REALLY wrong. Yes..March..he'll be gone. Officially. But wait..didn't I say he's dead? He is..and I'd never marry his replacement even if I were paid to. Unfortunately, I'm deeply in love with someone who doesn't exist anymore...not for anything else..other than his Deen.
Someone please do the world a favor, and shoot me. I'm too psychotic to be allowed to live, but I won't give you any more evidence of my madness. I believe I have shared more than was necessary...but necessary it was...to prevent me from doing something as drastic as..yet another 7araam and failed attempt on my life.
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh