Tuesday, April 15, 2008


Salam 3alykm

While coming back from university a few minutes ago, a very painful memory spoiled my joyous mood on the way home. It was the first *and hopefully the LAST* time I ever cried in front of a friend. It is also the same reason that makes me cry at my stupidity, naivety, &...the most WONDERFUL mistake I ever made in my life...all because I learnt A LOT out of it...

Makes me wonder though...will I never be the same again? I was 16-17 at the time...I'm 19, going on 20 now...why the HELL can't I let go, even though I've done EVERYTHING there could be in this world to do so!?

And it's for this very reason that...I sometimes hate myself...
I know my emotions were toyed around with, I was just a game in the wrong hands...but why can't I HATE THE PLAYER??

I feel so broken right now...even drugs can't help me this time...

لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين

Friday, April 11, 2008


Salam 3alykm

Hopefully, this should be a short post because I have 4 tests to study for; 2 related to 3elm, & 2 related to uni!

Sb7analla, Allah really works wonders! I had given up on life completely a few days ago; spent a whole day doing nothing but crying. Didn't speak at all, just sat there while the tears flowed endlessly, wondering why & when my time would come. The following day in 7deeth class, we read a 7deeth...and the part that gave me the strength to stand up & face every single challenge in this world was: اللهم لا عيش الا عيش الآخرة

SB7ANALLA! I read that, and suddenly I felt like some sorta energy had been pumped in me! Al7mdulilah, even though things are still rough, I know that this is what the world is supposed to be like...and if I want anything different, then I gotta BUILD my own A5ira by workin' on my level of Iman, & graspin' onto the Sharee3a for dear life!

So, beloved brothers & sisters...there is still time -''til the sun rises from the West' as quoted by Rasulullaah صلى الله عليه و سلم - for sincere repentance.

May Allah make it easy for all of us to stay steadfast on His Deen; Ameen.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


Salam 3alykm

I'm going through a very bad stage in life right now, but anyway...Al7amdulilah. I realized today, that...ever since a very young age, I've been inflicting pain upon myself. I've always been a nail-biter, & even though I stopped on & off, I bite the skin around the nails. Yep, it sounds ultra gross, but I don't exactly eat the skin as a snack or anything. I don't realize I'm doing it; it's only when people around shout at me, I put my hand back down.

And they didn't start shouting 'til recently; so it's become a pretty bad...habit? See, the thing is..when I bite my nails, I bite them 'til the point where I draw blood. Y'all ever cut your nail(s) off so much that it hurts? Well yeah, when I nail-bite, that's exactly what my nails look like. So, I'm sittin' today..thinkin' about stuff while ripping the skin around my nails, and I don't realize that's something's wrong, 'til I see blood. THAT'S when it sorta struck me...

My hands look messed anyway, so I don't care about them not bein' 'pretty' or 'feminine'. People see my fingers and wince, and I just look at them; expression-less. I don't find anything squeamish about them, but then again...I've been workin' on my fingers for quite a long time. The only downside though, is they start bleeding all of a sudden, and I won't realize it 'til I see blood on the keyboard *happens quite often*, on my notes *yep...this one too* , or on some other surface I've touched.

I couldn't care less if men find it disgusting and/or unattractive, so telling me stuff like, 'No one will want to marry a girl with hands like yours' isn't going to make me stop. A man who marries on the basis of a girl's hands is a narrow-minded freak who I wouldn't even consider in the first place. Besides, I've seen nothing except hatred, bitterness, & depression as a result of marriage...and men? I used to say the good ones are either taken or too old; now I say, they're either ma7ram or...DEAD. 6 feet under. Most men are heartless, inhumane, egoistic CREATURES who don't give a sh** about ANYONE except themselves. Even those who claim they're 'religious'...yeah, they have their own Sharee3a...customized to satisfy their selfish wants.

I couldn't care less about what my hands look like; I love them as they are because I accomplish a LOT of work with them...as for nail-biting, I'm going through another 'stop' phase, but I'm drawing even more blood now then ever (skin ripping). Another downside is I gotta keep redoing my w'9oo2 because of the blood factor, but I guess that's cool for when I'm home...can be a slight bit of a problem at uni, though.

For those people who I've 'counseled'...please don't adopt what I DO, adopt what I SAY (when it comes to the 'depression' factor; Deen-wise, I guess I'm OK) because what I do is exactly the opposite of what I say. Soon, the tables will be turned; Y'all will be givin' ME advice on why I shouldn't give up on life, but 'til then...accept my teachings & leave me be as I am...a psychotic, nail-biter who wishes her life would cease...but then she becomes hesitant, for she doesn't know if she has enough deeds to save her from Jahannam.