Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Unadulterated Therapy

Salam 3alykm,

I wrote this last night, somewhere around 3am...memories turned the waterworks on, and a high dosage of caffeine kept sleep away...

*This post has been deleted..it's all history & I've started life afresh..*

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Confused Views

Salam 3alykm

Yet here I am with another post, it's the only way I can de-stress. I'm not harsh, mean, or unjust unless someone does me wrong. Even then, it takes a while for the 'monster' in me to unleash. So why do I feel like a criminal?

I sat down today, and thought of all the people who hurt me in one way or another. My Mom told me something today which calmed me down; it's not for us to take revenge. Everything is in Allah's Hands, He does what He Wills. It all makes sense anyway; because those who hurt me didn't pull me down, they just made me stronger. I then thought of someone who turned my life around. Someone who made my life feel like hell once, but I have to admit, at a point in life..made me feel like the happiest girl alive. Someone who made my life seem too good to be true. Someone who then felt like the best thing ever, to happen to me. Someone who seemed flawless and perfect. It was only later when I realized, everything had changed. Things were not the way they seemed; in reality, it was all just...for show? Or...temporary...that sounds better.

Al7amdulillaah, I went through it all and learned many lessons along the way. I'm grateful...so VERY grateful to this person and always will be...and will never forget what I went through for as long as I live. Taught me a lot of things, from Deen to life. But what hurts, what brings tears to my eyes every time, what I wish I could somehow prevent, is the transformation. The transformation from good to bad, from a trustworthy & truthful person...to...a person who's hard to believe..from someone I really looked up to, to a person who I now look at as....as a 3bra *can't thing of a suitable term in English right now..* something I never want to become, something I fear..

However, something I can't understand myself, is the fact that I still keep hoping that one day, I'll wake up to find this person changed; turn over a new leaf. Start from scratch, a crisp, blank, bright-white page of a journal. Changed into something better than before! When I listen to lectures, this person pops into my mind..and I find myself teary-eyed because of listening to advices that this person once gave me. Tears stream down my cheeks because I know what's being preached isn't being practiced as it should have been. I wish I could do something to make this person change...if I could be granted one wish, a8ool WALLAAH..it wouldn't be anything else other than seeing this person strict to the Sharee3a, and a true follower of the Sunnah.

I'm not mad, deranged, or obsessed..I'm just aware of the massive tragedy that occurred. It feels as though someone died. I've been told to forget about this person many times, and although I've tried...it's very strange, but I can't. I know I can't help because my help:

1. Is definitely not wanted

2. Is useless

I was filled with anger before, because I felt helpless...I knew my help wasn't wanted, yet I still wanted to do something! I was infuriated a few days ago at all those who wronged me, and I told my Mom, 'If the people don't know my worth, why the hell should I even care about them!?' And she replied, 'By treating them the same way, there's no difference between you or them! If you don't like the way they're treating you, then treat them the way you'd like to be treated..you never know, it might make a difference. It might show them that their approach is wrong.' Upon hearing that, I quietened down.

I couldn't do anything..nothing at all. I couldn't stop this person from the transformation. I was utterly and absolutely helpless in all ways; all I could do was watch. Then, all I could do was pray. I don't think I left any place or time; Tahajjud, times when ad3iya are said to be Mustajab, Rama'9an, the last 10 days...even now! My last du3aa2...even if something has to happen to this person, something like a slap to reality, then so be it! Anything that might bring this person back, firm, steadfast on Deen, let it happen! I'm still asking for this one...won't stop 'til I hear the good news I've been waiting for since aaaages! Anyway, I'm feeling kinda sad now after putting this down. I've not disclosed this to anyone before, but now it's out in the open...

I just wish I could see a sincere change one day, if not today or tomorrow =(

Al7amdulillaah 3ela kil 7aal...

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Letting loose

Salam 3alykm,
Been a while since I last blogged, and last night I wrote a poem. I don't know whether I should include it here, because this place has now become 'public'...can't even blog my feelings here now. It has nothing to do with Islam..just a few questions that relentlessly haunt me. I've been doing pretty well al7amdulillaah. No more stages of depression, no more nights laying wide-awake crying...al7amdulillaah everything's going good! Ever since I took that last decision, life has been great! Of course, Shay6an tries to pull me away, trip me over MANY times, but the sucker doesn't know I'm suctioned to the ground for now!(H):p However, I must admit...I watched 3 movies 'til now :( which is probably a reason why I feel so whacked out. I didn't know that I could still write 'lovey-dovey/heartbreak' poems! Anyway, regarding the last and FINAL decision, some of them didn't like it at all, and tried to protest. Others took it personally, and quietly walked away. It was for the best, anyway.

I've become socially dead. I had a sorta 'net-life', the kind that all Losers On-Line have...but now I've just isolated myself. It feels better; no more fights to worry about, no more experiences that lift my hopes and slam 'em down to the ground. Woohoo, I'm celebrating loserdom.

Grandad's a real fighter...love the guy! I can't bear the thought of not having him around anymore, it just makes the world blurry every time. Every time I ask him "How you feelin' today?" he says: "I'm fine al7amdulillah." He doesn't talk much anymore, just a few words now and again. When he says those words, " My....Heart...Sinking " and looks around frantically, it just breaks my heart all over again. He's hooked on to this machine that displays oxygen levels and heart beat...numbers are perfect. What's going on? I have no idea...

My feelings? Only I know...and no one could understand. I've given up trying to talk to people; they only make it worse. Not their fault, it's mine...cuz I can't express myself clearly anymore. I just wish I'd stop trusting others blindly! It's gotten me into a lot of problems, some which I can't forget for as long as I live. There should be this 'erase' button which I can hit....wipe out my history.

A question which I'd love answered: Is there anyone out there who I genuinely mean the world to? Everyone says ' I love ya' and all that mushy stuff..but who really, truly means it? I guess I'll just have to die to find out.

Here's the poem..un-cut, raw, the real deal. For those who are thinking "OMG, what's she talking about?" Gimme a break. This post is not for your entertainment, it's for my therapy. I know it's wrong to write 'unIslamic' poems, but I'm sorry..I'm not perfect. I can't be miss m6aw3a 24/7, and for those who think this is hypocrisy, Allah ysaam7km. I'm just someone who's trying to figure life out before it smacks her in the face.

How can you hate someone who made you feel loved, even if it was all a lie?
How can you forget someone who tore you apart, merely in the blink of an eye?
How can you not think of someone who's love you thought you had gained?
How can you teach yourself to ignore all the inflicted pain?
How can you cease the tears that endlessly do flow?
How can you clear the history & let everything go?
How can you stop asking yourself questions, those that make you cry?
How can you stop hurting yourself and accept reality, rather than deny?
Teach me the answer to all these questions, please
But do it quick, before my breathing begins to cease