Yet here I am with another post, it's the only way I can de-stress. I'm not harsh, mean, or unjust unless someone does me wrong. Even then, it takes a while for the 'monster' in me to unleash. So why do I feel like a criminal?
I sat down today, and thought of all the people who hurt me in one way or another. My Mom told me something today which calmed me down; it's not for us to take revenge. Everything is in Allah's Hands, He does what He Wills. It all makes sense anyway; because those who hurt me didn't pull me down, they just made me stronger. I then thought of someone who turned my life around. Someone who made my life feel like hell once, but I have to admit, at a point in life..made me feel like the happiest girl alive. Someone who made my life seem too good to be true. Someone who then felt like the best thing ever, to happen to me. Someone who seemed flawless and perfect. It was only later when I realized, everything had changed. Things were not the way they seemed; in reality, it was all just...for show? Or...temporary...that sounds better.
Al7amdulillaah, I went through it all and learned many lessons along the way. I'm grateful...so VERY grateful to this person and always will be...and will never forget what I went through for as long as I live. Taught me a lot of things, from Deen to life. But what hurts, what brings tears to my eyes every time, what I wish I could somehow prevent, is the transformation. The transformation from good to bad, from a trustworthy & truthful person...to...a person who's hard to believe..from someone I really looked up to, to a person who I now look at as....as a 3bra *can't thing of a suitable term in English right now..* something I never want to become, something I fear..
However, something I can't understand myself, is the fact that I still keep hoping that one day, I'll wake up to find this person changed; turn over a new leaf. Start from scratch, a crisp, blank, bright-white page of a journal. Changed into something better than before! When I listen to lectures, this person pops into my mind..and I find myself teary-eyed because of listening to advices that this person once gave me. Tears stream down my cheeks because I know what's being preached isn't being practiced as it should have been. I wish I could do something to make this person change...if I could be granted one wish, a8ool WALLAAH..it wouldn't be anything else other than seeing this person strict to the Sharee3a, and a true follower of the Sunnah.
I'm not mad, deranged, or obsessed..I'm just aware of the massive tragedy that occurred. It feels as though someone died. I've been told to forget about this person many times, and although I've tried...it's very strange, but I can't. I know I can't help because my help:
1. Is definitely not wanted
2. Is useless
I was filled with anger before, because I felt helpless...I knew my help wasn't wanted, yet I still wanted to do something! I was infuriated a few days ago at all those who wronged me, and I told my Mom, 'If the people don't know my worth, why the hell should I even care about them!?' And she replied, 'By treating them the same way, there's no difference between you or them! If you don't like the way they're treating you, then treat them the way you'd like to be treated..you never know, it might make a difference. It might show them that their approach is wrong.' Upon hearing that, I quietened down.
I couldn't do anything..nothing at all. I couldn't stop this person from the transformation. I was utterly and absolutely helpless in all ways; all I could do was watch. Then, all I could do was pray. I don't think I left any place or time; Tahajjud, times when ad3iya are said to be Mustajab, Rama'9an, the last 10 days...even now! My last du3aa2...even if something has to happen to this person, something like a slap to reality, then so be it! Anything that might bring this person back, firm, steadfast on Deen, let it happen! I'm still asking for this one...won't stop 'til I hear the good news I've been waiting for since aaaages! Anyway, I'm feeling kinda sad now after putting this down. I've not disclosed this to anyone before, but now it's out in the open...
I just wish I could see a sincere change one day, if not today or tomorrow =(
Al7amdulillaah 3ela kil 7aal...
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