Wednesday, July 24, 2013

ADHD or Borderline Insane?

Salam Allah 3lykm,

It's been a while since I last blogged; people keep asking me why I've stopped blogging. I haven't; I've just lost all inspiration to write, to be quite honest. Anyway, here's a post for you guys..more like a rant diarrhea in thoughts-form.

I can't really say I enjoy life as it is; I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I thought I'd be one of those dutiful wives, and I'd do whatever it takes to please my It gets painstakingly difficult, because you end up being taken for granted. I can see why marriage is portrayed in such a negative light now, and as much as I try to push those statements away, they keep haunting me.

It could also just be Eblees, but then wait. Isn't he in chains right now? Ramadan has been quite difficult, in that sense. My internal battles are bloody and ever-so-draining. What's worse is, I've failed myself. I've failed my own expectations of what my marriage was to be like.

So, here's a tip for all you singletons: dream all you want, but don't confine yourself to expectations. There's no such thing as a perfect marriage; it takes a LOT of effort to make one work smoothly. I now see why it's termed, 'half the Deen'; after all, Deen is all about sacrifice. Marriage is all about that: sacrifice. 

Crazy ups-and-downs, worse than a roller-coaster. Being single was so much more easier; hell, I didn't even have to take care of myself, let alone anyone else. The ups are awesome, but the downs are just as bad; I'm still toying with the thought...whether or not the 'ups' are worth the 'downs'. 

Biggest problem is, I write to expel all negativity. To me, writing's always been therapy, but's being looked like as a way to complain to the world. You cannot imagine how difficult it is for me not to write. If I had it my way, I'd have a new blog post out every other day, but now I need to think countless times, because I never know how my 'therapy' will be interpreted.

In fact, I don't know what to say or do anymore; I doubt everything. I think countless times before I make a move, because it could always be perceived wrong, leading to another argument. When I do explode from time to time - and it's been happening ever-so-frequently now - I think about it, and wonder how much damage has been done so far, and whether or not its reversible.

I feel absolutely hollowed out, and it's not even been 6 months, let alone a year. They say the first few years are the toughest; if so, here's praying I withstand them. I thought distance was the cause of all miscommunication; hell, living together doesn't make much of a difference, either.

Maybe it's because I suck at communication; maybe I should start writing letters, instead. I make a lot more sense when I write, than when I talk. Maybe I should abandon verbal communication all together...or maybe, just maybe..I should write the letters, then read 'em out, so my expressions and emotions can't be misread. I guess I'll start rehearsing beforehand, so I seem more confident about my stance. 

Honestly, I don't know. I don't know anything. Nothing seems to make sense; everything, including my thoughts..everything is doubtful.

Does a mid-20s crisis exist? If it does, then this just might be it. 

It's sad how we're never happy; those who are single, wish to be married; those who are married, wish they were single. I guess what we lack, is gratefulness. After all,
لَٮِٕن شَڪَرۡتُمۡ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمۡ‌ۖ وَلَٮِٕن ڪَفَرۡتُمۡ إِنَّ عَذَابِى لَشَدِيدٌ۬  
Maybe that's just what this is; an answer to my ungratefulness. Maybe I need to take a rain-check; put everything else on hold, and 'check myself before I wreck myself'. See, I just don't know. I'm rethinking everything I type (except the Ayah, of course), literally caught between the crossfire of thoughts churning relentlessly in my mind. 

Overthinking, is it? I don't know. My mind should have come with a 'pause' button; you'd think I have ADHD after reading this post. It's so disorganized, exactly like my thoughts. Everything is scattered everywhere; I don't know what to process, and what not to process. 

Maybe it's not marriage at all, but it's me. Maybe my wrecked train of thoughts has shot my perception to hell. I don't know. It's just one hell of a tumultuous state of confusion, and it's exactly why I also fear writing thoughts down. 

If this isn't a mid-20s crisis, then is this what Insanity looks like? Am I staring Insanity in the eye, while it grasps me at the neck? I don't know.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3aala w Barakateh