Sunday, July 27, 2008

'Pre-travel Jitters'

Salam 3alykm

This is going to be the last post of July, Inshalla. I'm heading off to Pakistan & I'm dreading every single second, starting from today. Believe it or not, the only thing I'm looking forward to in this whole trip is...the way back! LOL, and that's only happening if we don't get killed.

7 and a half days, which seem more like 7 and a half YEARS to me! I should be terrified of the exams, considering I've only covered 7deeth and U9ool elFi8h till now! Na7w, Fi8h, and Seera are yet untouched >.< style="font-weight: bold;">

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A Consoling Reminder

Salam 3alykm

I haven't exactly been in the best of moods for the past few weeks...life has it's ups...and whatever goes up, must come down...Al7amdulillah 3ela kil 7aal.

I'm past the stage of breakdowns al7amdulillah, insomnia still sticking around...I've become heartless...or should I say, numb? Right now, I don't care about anything...I know Allah is the Best Planner, and He already has everything planned...so I'm ready for anything that comes my way...

What irritates me is that, while I can help so many people beat depression, I can't be my own Shrink. I don't have anyone in my life that would do that for me, either. Yet again, Al7amdulillah; it gives me the chance to turn back to Allah, I guess. I realize that happiness also brings unintentional sinning...so maybe sadness is an expiation in disguise? =) *wishful thinking*

I started off writing a poem, depressive as usual. Then I decided to turn it into 'therapy', but this time...I would write POSITIVELY...so I could look back at this post whenever I'm facing another' down'. Most of my posts are depressive, as I believe in throwing my feelings out, and never going through them again *another form of therapy I've stuck by*

It's not great in terms of poetry, rhyming, and all that stuff...but today...that was not my priority as I wrote it. It's a simple yet heart-warming piece, which has made me realize...depression is not so bad after all..=)

When happiness walks out of your life
What are you supposed to do?
To bring it back, do you struggle & strive
Or just wait until it comes back to you?

When paranoia threatens to empower
& Insomnia has you unbelievably drained
Do you forget the blessings with which you've been showered
& all the love in life that you've been fortunate enough to gain?

If you had everything in this world
Do you realize you might have forgotten Allah?
Realize that depression may be something DEAR to hold
Considering it sometimes brings you closer to the only Ilaah

Patience is what you really need
Dnya is only filth plated with gold
To the Words of Allah you MUST pay heed
To attain ETERNAL BLISS in the heavenly abode

I ask all those who come across my blog to please remember me in your prayers, as I'm going through a 'storm' right now. I'm trying to be as patient as I can, but sometimes...Shay6an just gets to me.

Jazakm Allah 5ayr, dear readers...w Barak Allah Feekm

Wes Salam 3alykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Friday, July 18, 2008

Abandoned

Salam 3alykm

Here's a poem I wrote at around 4AM today:

Days have passed by
A week is now complete
All she can do is cry
While awake and in her sleep

Thoughts cross her mind
She has lost her sanity
She's trying desperately to find
Inner peace and tranquility

She doesn't know what's going on
Is history repeating itself over again?
What she knows is her happiness is gone
Leaving her to suffer the excruciating pain

Wes Salam 3alykm w Ra7matullahi T3aala w Barakateh

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Disturbed

Salam 3alykm

Hope y'all are doing OK, Inshalla. *See? I ain't selfish..I care about my readers!(A)*

Y'all aren't praying enough for Um3eesa, ha? I feel like a 'hydrophobiac', thrown into an angry ocean, waves tossing me around mercilessly, like a lifeless body, from one place to another. Insomnia has taken over me again, & I'm slipping back into my CRAZY lifestyle. Literally crazy..I think I might have lost my mind a couple of days ago, or weeks..

Who takes a shower at 4AM? Sits online like an Internet NUT at 530AM and rants on their blog? A sane person? I think not. Gotta make a move in the afternoon to DXB; hopefully the lack of sleep won't show on my face when my parents see me.

Didn't I say I won't talk about ME anymore? Yeah, well...*frustrated sigh* I need this therapy. My thoughts are devouring what's left of my sanity. What has gotten into me? Since the past year or two, I've screwed up, become better, gone into relapse mode, been pulled out again several times...and I think I'm falling back again. A damn vicious circle, that's what it is.

Nail-biting is getting worse; even I'm starting to get sliiightly concerned now *high time, eh?*
BTW, I nearly busted my right knee & elbow..slipped on wet floor preeeettyy badly, considering I scraped my knee on SMOOTH, ceramic tiles? THAT'S a first! Didn't break any bones, just got bruised pretty badly. I was more concerned about my phone, LOL..but Al7amdulillah, it survived the fall. Only when Mom shouted at me *concerned, of course* I realized, OOOWWWW..I'm in PAIN!-.- I literally dragged myself over to check my poor phone out..not a single scratch, al7amdulillah!=D See? NOKIA KNOWS how to make phones that LAST LONG! *Unlike MOTO!*

Anyway, me being the 'white coats' hater' chose to let 'em both heal 'naturally'. Sajda was AGONY, though..but the thought of sitting on a chair/stool for Sajda was SCARY, so Al7amdulillah I continued 9alaah as normal *with winces and grimaces being the only addition* Now, my elbow's nearly healed completely *can't STRAIGHTEN my arm, but bendable! Knee is still giving me trouble, but I'm nearly used to the pain...so it's aaall good! I've got these NASTY bruises though, they look scary.

On a lighter note, family life *the SINGLE one* is great, Al7amdulillah. Everyone's oblivious to my 'other' side, because I only truly 'come out' at night *werewolves & vampires, anybody?* or when I'm left at my thoughts' mercy, all alone.

Exams, and I'm barely doing any studying..so I'm terrified. The thing is..will I come back alive? Who cares? As long as I die on لا إله إلا الله, everything is just fine and dandy!

OK, I think I should try and go to sleep now..because I can't think of anything even REMOTELY intelligent to say. Relentlessly 'working' my way on my fingers as I type..I think I might need a Shrink...or not.

Can't think straight, and it's KILLING me. Y'all please pray for me...beginning to lose hope, and grasp on life as a whole...

لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين

Monday, July 7, 2008

Pissed OFF!

Salam 3alykm,

The title says it all - I'm literally ready to beat the sh** out of someone. First, I was worried, then upset, now...I'm just raving MAD. How long does it take to type one word of acknowledgment that you've reached safely somewhere?

I'm glad I'm leaving on the 31st...NO CONTACT with anyone except my Dad, Inshalla. I really hate the fact that people complain I don't make time for them in my life...when I do THE BEST I can, juggling EVERY aspect of my damn life! Turns out, they don't know how to RECIPROCATE.
The fact that I've bitten my nails so far down to the nail-bed ain't helping either, cuz now THAT just HURTS! I HATE life right now...SO VERY MUCH. That's something for my haters to feel good about - they can sleep peacefully tonight, knowing I'm pretty much MESSED up right now!

I feel merciless & heartless right now - stone cold. I'd like to hurt someone really bad..pierce their heart...ARGH..but that's against Islam. *Sighs in frustration*

I'd like to thank my readers for their great support - dropping off the face of the Internet -.- or at least, my blog! I guess that's aiight, cuz - from the looks of it - for the next couple of days, I'm going to be venting off anger...not something y'all should be interested in, really.

This is enough for now..I can't think of anything else to say. Gone are my days of LOOOOONG posts..unfortunately. Writing helps, but even that is slipping outta my grasp. WOOHOO.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

المتروك

Salam 3alykm,

I'm back with another one, but this time..US authorities ain't gon' like it. They say we have the 'Freedom of Speech' though, eh? Ain't that what 'Lady Liberty' is all about? :p

I'm a 19 year old girl, living in her parents' home..and if anyone has a problem with what I blog, close your eyes. Besides, anyone pointing a gun to your head and forcing you to read what's on my mind? Naah, and after all...it's a 'free' world!

As long as people badmouthing Islam, it's all good - but it's high time the tables were turned.
حسبي الله و نعم الوكيل

This poem is titled ' Al Matrook' & you'll see why in the end ^_^

O you who strays away from Jihad!
Are your worldly possessions dearer to you then your Deen?
Why do you not help raise the sacred flag?
High up in the skies, by all to be seen

O you unfortunate one, why do you deny yourself the Eternal Reward?
Or are you under the misconception that the time has yet to come?
If you die in wait, with what face are you going to stand before your Lord?
When you are questioned about those innocent ones who were bombed

O you foul-mouthed one who speaks ill of Mujahideen!
Rest assured, their ranks in Jannah constantly increase
If in doubt, pick up & read carefully Al Kitab Al Mubeen
& learn that forgiven are they for shortcomings in their deeds
O you who has been fooled by عدو الرحمن!
You sit in the fear of the قردة و الخنازير
Growing is your hatred for Al Qaeda & Taliban
Those who follow the Sunna of السراج المنير

The Muslim Ummah has been deafened
By listening to Shay6ani tunes
They can't hear the screams & cries of the imprisoned
Or the warnings of the Day of Doom

Watching the filth broadcasted worldwideThey have been blinded successfully
They know not about detention centers, or what happens inside
To innocent Muslims of all ethnicities

Till when will this deliberate ignorance prevail?
How long should we watch Ummat Mu7ammad being humiliated?
Why are *so-called* Muslim countries throwing valuable Mujahideen in jails?
Till how long will this INJUSTICE be tolerated?

MATROOK - The Muslim prisoners abandoned in jails
MATROOK - Jihad: The 'condemned by most' obligation
MATROOK - The innocent on whom Kuffaars' ظلم prevails
MATROOK - Traders of Shuhadaa's ranks for worldly possessions

Wes Salam 3alykm wa Rahmatullahi T3ala w Barakateh