Sunday, May 31, 2009

Depression Takin' Over?

Salam 3lykm

The title says it all; I'm feeling severely depressed. My family's begun to notice my really messed up mood swings, and right now I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know what's brought this all upon me again, but I feel like going into isolation once more. Have even been playing with the idea of deleting this blog, and leaving the net world completely. I'm even considering giving up writing, because as it is...I'm not getting any encouragement whatsoever from my family. I know they don't mean to hurt me, and they're just joking around...but being called crazy really cuts deep now. I've begun to doubt myself, and it really hurts..not having any support. I don't mean to whine about my life, and like bro says...I know I'm complaining which could lead to ungratefulness, but I can't take it anymore. I'm being misunderstood...or maybe...maybe I'm just crazy.

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

PS. Being called an attention-seeker by my bro for writing up on my blog was like a slap on my face. He claims if I wasn't, then this blog would be totally private without any readers..something like a diary. I'm beginning to doubt myself now...so...if you fail to find this blog within a couple of days, please don't be surprised.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Happy Endings

Salam 3lykm

Sh7alkm Readers? Yes, I'm back to bloggin' now..for today. I'm feeling annoyed right now, madry laysh. Happy endings make me sick. They don't even EXIST in reality, so why the hell bother with 'em? If you haven't already guessed, aba at7r6am w a6alle3 elli ef 5a6ry, lol.

I don't like stories anymore; they all have boring, predictable happy endings. Once upon a time, when I used to live in a bubble of my own, where everything was all about 'rainbows and butterflies' *not literally!*...I didn't seem to notice them...and it was all good. However, after I stepped into the real world, and was made to faced Bsing, backstabbing, cheating, lying, hypocritical creatures...I realized, and in VERY BLUNT terms: this world is NOTHING but gold-plated SHIT.

See, in REALITY...things START all happy, and then end in heart-breaks...THAT'S the real deal. Mind you, I ain't talkin' about lovey-dovey relationships and what-not. Hell no, that's just BS altogether = hogwash = DOESN'T EXIST. What I'm tryn'a say here is..why the hell do people keep frontin'?

Truth be told, I can't trust anyone anymore, not even those whom I considered close. How can you define someone as being 'close', anyway? If I were to do that, I guess it would go something like: those whom I LEAST expected to hurt me, yet they went and took a clear shot at my heart. WHY?! Why the hell do people make me such an easy target?!

I ain't paranoid - OK, maybe a LITTLE bit, but usually (95% of the time)the person turns out to be a total 'phoney'. Then, people have the NERVE to ask, 'why on earth do you live the life of a hermit?!' Do I have any freakin' choice?! Totally DISCOURAGED - friendships = trouble..99.99% of the time. Hell, even ACQUAINTANCES...they don't even come to the point of 'friendship'..!

And now...I'm goin' to start 'working'...Sunday...should I be wary of what the future's going to bring? 7mdella all-female, Islamic *I'm assumin' so..it IS an Islamic bank after all!* environment, so I don't have to worry about harassment from a couple of low-lives..and all those females are down-to-earth, married mommies..none of that nose-in-the-air attitude...very 'homey' place...should I be worried? Appearances have ALWAYS been deceptive, after all. Or am I just 'over-thinking'? Bro already warned me, 'Don't get too comfortable and friendly'. Wow...I have a contradicting personality RIGHT here!O_o Paranoid + friendly and 'out-going'.

Yeah, so where was I...? I hate happy endings. I tried reading a novel the other day, and put it down within a few minutes. Why? I used to be a MAJOR bookworm; 3 600+paged novels a day. It was too cheery for me. Oh, and I totally hate the 'Romance' genre. Dammit, men like that don't exist..so why feed us women such BS? This whole 'Romance' genre is what has shot our *females* emotions to hell. We build castles in the sky, only to have 'em bombed to hell and back. Some misleadin' BS it is. When I tell 'friends' this, they tell me I'm heartless. Yeah...maybe I am, but I'm still better off than they are. At least I have no heart left for some ruthless, selfish, egocentric, pompous fiend to break. Yep, better off I tell ya.

After I wrote my post, 'My Soul's Demise', my dearest mommie *Allah y7f'6ha w y5alleeha li* shared pearls of wisdom with me. One of which I really liked: Live in this world as though you are heartless, selfless, and expect NOTHING from others. This way, you won't have a heart for anyone to break; you won't get your hopes high, so no one will be able to crush them. She also said, 'do good, and do it ONLY for the sake of Allah..because you can NEVER expect His Creation to always appreciate you and be grateful to you, specially when they are ungrateful and don't appreciate HIM.' I tell ya, it's one thing to share these valuable pearls of wisdom wit y'all, and its a totally different thing to implement them yourself. Maybe this is why I'm sharin' em; I couldn't mold my life according to them, and I'm hopin' at least ONE of you can.

So..WHY am i writing this? I don't know. Therapy? ...Or maybe cuz...yes. It's because I hate happy endings.

PS. The 'new me' is mostly optimistic, even when life is the shits, but this old 'pessimistic' me just suppressed the new me for now.

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Monday, May 25, 2009

Hypocrites

Salam 3lykm

What a title to come back with, eh? Bes, they're all around. It sickens you to the MAX when you know what the person REALLY is, and then you see 'em frontin'. I should be studyin' for my final exam - Business Systems Analysis & Design - but I frankly couldn't care anymore. It seriously speaks for itself -'B SAD' <- on the other hand, should'a been 'B MAD', because that's what it does to me!>.< B7med Rabbi low I get a B - why the hell do we have to learn about information systems, anyway?! That's the IT department's job, dammit..and I don't want to hear ANYMORE about how managers today are 'changing'. I ain't goin' to be workin', anyway!

Anyway, back to the post. So, I wrote 4 lines; they might make sense, and then again, they might not. It looks like I'm really losin' hold on my poetry now - burned out. Lemme leave ya with the pessimistic ramblings of her royal psychotic-ness. Comments appreciated, as always...bes if you want to be your usual lazy selves....well, you...CAN'T! I DEMAND comments or this blog is goin'..HMPH!-.- ...Dream on, haters - would I give you satisfaction so easy?=)

How many people smile hypocritically in your face?
How many blatantly lie when they claim they care?
Sometimes, with mockery their words are laced
And hatred burns behind their glassy stares

D3watkom needed y'all..exam from 730-930..PM not AM...yeah...ADU thinks we have no life, so now they've begun takin' our nights away, too. 2 more semesters to go...*sighs frustratedly*

Wes salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Back..& PUBLIC!

Salam 3lykm

How have my Dearest Readers been? I'm back after an ultra-long break, and yes...I've gone public again =) As for the post I wrote before this...that was my past. I have started afresh, Al7mdulillah..and may the newlyweds live happily ever after..

I have a LOT in life keepin' me really busy right now, so for now...y'all have access to the old posts, right? xD Cherish what you have!;P

I have not written any poems after 'My Soul's Demise'...but here's to hopin' it's not my last...

Finals 'round the corner, internship right after, and exams in Pakistan...followed by Fall 2009 xD
Yes...I wasn't kiddin' when I said I'm BUSY! xD

Bes Inshalla..inspiration will come a-knockin' on my door some day, and I'll tell ya'll how it goes...in the form of a poem ;P

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi t3ala w Barakateh