Friday, February 22, 2008

Branded...A Failure

Salam 3alykm

The break-down period's over, Al7amdulillaah. *I think..*

My psychology professor wants to have a one-on-one with me; she thinks I might be

I agree; no one can go through the phases I went through & come out normal..& normal people don't really do or AVOID the things I do or avoid..'s going to be preeettyyy hard to find someone who can tolerate me, & accept me as I am...not many men want to get married to a psycho.

I said things I shouldn't have said in my 'melt-down', spoke about 'hatred'. 'Hate' is a really strong word, & we fail to comprehend it in all its depth. Come to think of it, I don't even hate my enemies..they tell you what you really are on your face; something your friends won't do. You look like a retard in a certain outfit, but your friends will say, " look...*cough* gorgeous! " Yeah...they'll LIE to ya to make you feel good. I've been thinking a lot lately; fortunately enough, I don't hate any Muslim out there. *Bush & M5arref are a DIFFERENT story*

Anyway, life's complicated right now..I don't know what I'm doing half the time..I don't know where I'm headed..the worst thing I ALWAYS end up doing is upsetting people I love. I try to please, but it ALWAYS backfires on me. ...Doomed? That's what I think so, too.

People would be better off if I didn't exist...right? The world would be a better place with one-less lunatic. I've kinda reached the stage where I just give up...helpless & hopeless

I hate liars, cheats, & back-stabbers. I'd rather get run over a million times by a menacing nissan skyline, than face 'em. I try to think, 'why the hell do I always get trapped?' & I come up with one answer: I'm plain STUPID. Can't see beyond people's perceptions. I wish I could read minds; I'd stay clear outta their way then!

I'm feeling really weirded out right now; not depressed...but...I don't know..unhappy? Really unhappy...I'm not doing ANYTHING right; why the hell am I such a failure in life? لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين

I just want to apologize to all those who I've wronged, intentionally or unintentionally; to those whose days go bad because of me; to those I fail to make happy; to those who are always upset because of me; I'm really sorry..

To all those who know me: you deserve a better daughter, sister, student, & friend. I've failed...

Monday, February 18, 2008


Salam 3alykm

I've been through insomnia, anorexia, paranoia, 3 suicide attempts, & a lot a very small period of time. If there's anything that's as clear as crystal, I don't think I'm normal anymore. I DON'T need any more scarring; the ones I have are STILL RAW. I'm an emotional wreck as it is..I don't need people to toy around with my emotions anymore. If you can't stand the fact I exist & I'm alive, do the world a favor & kill me. If you can't, then stop toying around with my emotions & leave me the hell alone.

This is directed to EVERYONE in general; one of these days...I'm seriously going to have a nervous breakdown, & I don't think I can keep playing the role of a 'survivor' any longer.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

A lil bit of this & that..

Salam 3alykm

First off, In response to 'my fan's' comment *you know who ya are buddy, although I DON'T!-.-lol*: Y'all just read & comment, but it's nice to know what other's think..know what I'm sayin'?^_^ I never thought people actually read the junk I wrote, cuz as you can see, there aren't many comments here on the blog! I don't even mind if I get some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism; however, you criticize me unnecessarily and I'll track you down..make your life a livin' hell -.- :p joke joke..*a bad one!*
so keep readin' readers, spies, & stalkers (if any:p) & drop me a think entertainment comes free? -.- lol..and now, I proceed...

I got a whoooooooooooooooooooooooole lotta studying waiting for me! Not to mention, an MIS project to work on >.< *Here's where I start wishing I had SOME Photoshop skills; they'd help with the countless presentations we'll be doing!*

Anyway, I'm still sick...even forgotten what my normal voice sounds like. People who got sick after I did, are back to normal now Al7amdulillaah..and they wonder what kinda bug hit me, lol. I think I won't live long...considering the crazy lifestyle I have. Bes the thought kiiillls; I wanna be Um3eeesaa! I don't mind dying AFTER that; Bu3eesa can always remarry & take care of 3awaso! Yesterday, reached home at 930, body completely broken...and the only thing I wanted was a pillow & a more. I'd sleep on the TILES if I had to..I was THAT knocked out. And then I realized..uhoh...I have na7w *Arabic grammar* muraj3a waiting for me :'( I got a lecture the same day from my m3alima on how I'm not studying properly. It's kinda hard balancing uni & 3elm, bes I guess she's right. I do waste time checking emails, FBing, and...e7m...BLOGGING! Bes blogging helps calm me down - instant THERAPY! Anyway..I did OK in class today...I

So, U9ool el fi8h...I havn't even STARTED the book yet. Zeeeeroo knowledge. I sit in class bs it flies above my head, since I didn't attend most classes during my uni finals. Caught up on Fi8h al7amdulillaah...tafseer & 7deeth going ok too al7amdulillaah. The e5telaafaaaat drive me craaazyyyy though! Imam Shafi3i Ra7imahullaah said this..w his proof is this...Imam Abu 7neefa Ra7imahullaah said this & he supported his statement with this proof..etc etc. It DOESN'T help that I gotta remember the explanation in URDU....AAAAAAAARGH!

Hokay...Psychology is the only course I actually LIKE this semester. Learnt something REALLY interesting, and I've actually OBSERVED it in real life. Lefties are much more artistic & express themselves really well through art, whereas Righties *moi* are much better with writing & languages! *Excluding Urdu, of course!* -.- It also explains why I'm not so 'artsy-fartsy', lol :p
I really really really HATE Finance now. I thought it was pretty interesting having a Mafia boss as an instructor, bes after all those bloody interest rate mind says NO to Finance! *Sorts out the problem related to my minor though; rules Finance out! It's either HR, Marketing, or PR & MC* The guy really looks like the head boss; all he needs is a cigar, and a couple of rings on those fingers. He even has the ACCENT to qualify as one; pronounces Russia as 'Raashia'. Those hand movements..when he talks about 'ze valyoo of moany' & 'ze deefrent bunks(banks)''s like money is his LIFE! The guy's terribly sarcastic too, bes I LOVE IT...I wish I had his sarcasm. And he cracks us up with his jokes; they're not that funny, but he says them with such a SERIOUS expression and then cocks his head to one side and goes 'eh?' SO MAFIA-ISH! 'Eef yoo cennot shat ap, zen i weel ev to call zee seceureety...shange yoor place at wence!' LOL...the only thing that keeps me in my chair from 530-830 every his mannerism & hilarious accent!
Business just like tranquilizer shots. I think it's something about his works like a putting me to sleep. It doesn't help that I clock 3-4 hours of sleep everyday, and then he lulls me to sleep -.- He did the same thing for Professional Ethics too, then gave me a friggin' B+ >.< *which is fantabulous, considering I had received a 2nd warning for attendance & never bought the book :p*

Uni...I regret taking Business - so friggin' BORING! I should've gone to Dubai & taken Psychology, or Sharjah..& gone into PR or something! A level Biology & Chemistry was INTERESTING at least! I still don't know how on earth this bachelor's degree will help me...frame it and give it to my husband so he can show it off to people who come to his office? POINTLESS! ARGH...I soo just want to concentrate solely on Deen =( I don't know WHAT I'm doing with my life..*sighs sadly*

5ayr Inshalla...everything happens for a reason...

I planned to spend more time with friends this semester, bes I'm only with them in Finance...and I don't fit in to their conversations anymore cuz I obviously know nothing of what's going on in their lives! Bes I've made a lot more friends..which isn't I can never handle friendships! There's one thing though; Al7amdulillah, when I see that someone's influencing me negatively, ie: pulling me away from Deen, I back off completely. I'm not selling my Deen for some stupid 'friendship'.

I loooove stayin' hooome!<3 So much so, I don't go out with my parents when they go out nowadays! Besides, it depresses me...seeing guys without beards & girls without clothes. Muslims with Kuffaar as their role-models =( Do the guys hate the way Rasulullaah 3alayhi e9alato wes salam SO much, that they don't want to copy his 'style'? That's what they're implementing INDIRECTLY:'( That's why the Kuffaar have gotten this Muslim country to get the army looking like their sissies. BEARDLESS=MANELESS. MANELESS=lionESS! What would Rasulullaah 9alallaahu 3layhi w sallem say...if he saw the youth today?:'( There's no way of differentiating Muslims from the Kuffaar! A guy's wearing kandora...OK, he's 5leeji=Muslim. A guy's wearing jeans & look at his face: Clean shaved, retarded goatee, or 2-days stubble...hmm...what is he?:S

Ya Allaah...why don't the brothers grow their beards? Here are some of the reasons I was given by various brothers who I interacted with *On the INTERNET, mind you* for not growing their beards.

1. It's just Sunna. (Wajib, not 'just' Sunna! And what did Rasulullaah say about his Sunna?من رغب عن سنتي فليس مني

2. It makes me look old. (Really? Hmm..clean-shave makes you look gay; 2days stubble makes you look like you haven't had the time to shave so that you could look gay; and that ridiculous goatee looks like you've been playing around with a marker.)

3. They only had beards then cuz they didn't have razor blades or shaving foam. (They had knives & daggers, and you don't really NEED shaving foam to shave; water's just fine.)

4. They needed beards to protect them from the sand. (Hello? Heard of a cloth? Wrap it around the face & it'll do the same job.)

5. I'll grow it when I'm older. (Did you get some kinda guarantee that you'll live to a ripe ol' age? How do you know when you're going 6 feet under? Do you have any guarantee that it'll even GROW when YOU want it to?)

6. People will make fun of me. (Not if you keep it trimmed & looked after..they won't. If people like your style, & you show them you can still be the 'cool & hilarious' guy that you are without it, they might even adopt your 7asanaat for you!)

7. Looks don't matter to Allah; the heart & our deeds do. Not growing a beard doesn't make me a Kafir or anything! (Refer to #1. If you're not considered from Ummat M7ammad, if you go against what Rasulullaah 3layhi e9alato wes salam has said خالفوا المشركين أوفروا اللحى و أحفوا الشوارب-رواه البخاريGo against what Mushrikeen do: grow your beards, & cut/shorten your mustaches.)

A lot more was said; I basically just chose the most common protests against being told to keep a beard of one 8b'9a (fist-length). It's hard, I know. It's kinda like *not completely* what us females have to do; leave our eyebrows. We could shape 'em & 'enhance' our appearances...bes then we're mel3onaat. See, it's HARDER for us actually. We have to face Allah's le3na for such a thing, and trust me...bushy eyebrows, and monobrows *NO I don't have 'em al7amdulillaah>.<* aren't very easy to tolerate. You feel like you just haaaave to remove the 'extra hair' so that you look 'better'. But once you set your heart to it, you can live with being called all sortsa names; my friends complain...I just tell em: naah, I don't want No Fear eyebrows (or arrowheads).

We should learn to say NO to what's wrong, and ADHERE to what's right. Both categories - guys who have unIslamic beards or none at all, & girls with arrowheads for eyebrows - try to shun the conversation completely or try to change the subject when it's brought up. Why? It's a really good thing actually - they KNOW what they're doing it's wrong, and subconsciously..they hate it. Al7amdulillaah; there are also those who do wrong & sleep peacefully at night with not a worry in the world. May Allah not make me one of 'em...and May Allah guide them to the Right Path, Ameen.

I'm not an angel; I do wrong even though I KNOW it's wrong..and it sometimes keeps me awake at night. Cuz...what if I die & I still haven't repented? I used to think, aaah 3aaaadyyy...I'll fix myself up later...bes....WHEN later? When it's too late & the Angel of Death is by my side? Fir3oun also said he embraces Islam, and right after that, he drowned. He's still going to Hell, though.

My prayers get delayed cuz of uni...and sometimes, cuz of my own laziness & carelessness. Then I heard a 7deeth..every time someone misses their 9alaah *doesn't pray at it's time* their name's written on a door of Hell. That freaked me out so bad...but after a couple a days, I was back to procrastinating. See, guys are luckier; they have to go pray in the Masjid. So WHEN they do, it's right on time. Us chicks...unless you're really punctual/religious, unless you're a true Mu2minah *which is something I'm not..* you're just going to say...'aaah oook...I gotta prayy...lemme just finish this and I'll go...' Yep, you end up FINISHING after an hour, or a FEW...and by that time...your 9alaah is GONE. Especially getting into the practice of praying again after a break of 5-7 days of not praying...HARD. VERY're a TRUE mu2minah.

So I did one thing; I wrote a 7deeth regarding 9alaah as a note, and stored it in my fone. Now, every time I think...'later', I look at it. But I know sooner or later that's going to stop...I mean, going to the notes takes a while, even though I have 'em as a shortcut on my fone. Had I any designing skills, I would've made it into a beautiful animated image, and used it as a screen-saver...instead of that pointless one I use right now. That would remind me day & night...considering my fone's always with me, so I'd never be able to miss it. I should learn how to use Photoshop...but it seems like a major headache, lol.

I miss my Grandad - Allah yir7ama-...been thinking about him for the past few weeks...he used to shout at me, specially at m'3rib..'don't waste time! Leave everything and pray NOW!' I remember, his room door would open, and I'd hear his rubber-tipped stick clicking against the tiles, the scuffle of his home slippers..:'(
Aaah...I miss him! But he's gone to a MUCH better place Al7amdulillaah..

I remember those last weeks; the poor man was in so much pain. He looked nothing like the jolly man he once was; frail, skin & bones:'( I remember standing in his ward, watching those damn numbers go up and down, hearing the blasted beeping noises every time his oxygen level went down. I remember asking him, 'please keep the mask on, 'Daajan' *it's actually Dadajan, but I chew the word =) Dada:Paternal grandad; Jan: Beloved* It'll help you breathe properly..' And he'd grimace in pain..then say those words again...'my heart...sinking!' :'( It used to kill me to hear those words, & see the pain on his face! He'd shout a time when he couldn't even return our Salam...he was SO weak. Whenever we'd ask, 'how you feeling?' He'd say 'al7amdulillah'. He couldn't say much...a man who did his OWN DISHES whenever he got the chance to, and FOUGHT with others if they didn't let him...was left incapable of putting his dentures in by himself (and later on, we just couldn't get them in..not even the nurses..) :'(

I remember the night before 3eed, my uncle had gone to his office & my Dad had gone to get my bro from the hospital...his vital signs were going down...pulse, oxygen levels...and he had a glazed Mom was holding his hand as usual to comfort him...and I was by the other side...Mom told me...'it's possible he might slip away...his body feels cold...' Remembering those words brings tears to my eyes even now...he was reaching out frantically for something, looking here and there...then he cried out 'Imran!' & I couldn't take it anymore. He kept saying my Dad's name & looking I told him 'he's gone to get Ibrahim' but because I was crying, my voice kept breaking...he didn't understand. My Mom told him, & he stopped...sort of like he gave up...defeated:'( Then Mom said 'Allah' & he repeated it...for about 20 minutes which seemed like a year to me...I kept saying 'Allaah' and hearing his pained cries of a clear 'Allaah'. I really thought we'd lose him that day...but it was written for him to pass away with no one around him, on Tuesday 23rd Nov, 625pm Doha time...5 minutes before his wife came to see him as was her daily routine..

You're not supposed to ask 'Why?'...he's gone & we'll follow...but some days, I remember things he used to say or do..and I realize he's really gone. I still haven't accepted the fact fully; I don't mention him anymore. I sometimes still pretend he's just in Rumailah Hosp...recuperating..:'(

Anyway..this post got longer than it was supposed to..I jumped from one subject to another..doesn't make sense...but then's not supposed to make sense..

One last request for my readers...please pray for him...Jazakm Allah 5ayr..

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Posting Fever

Salam 3alykm

Title says it all; I have 'posting fever'...well that's how I interpret two blog posts in two days!

Why do I feel like I keep jinxing myself? Lol, i know that doesn't exist in Islam, bs shay '3reeeeb...anyway, moving on...I'm sick again, w I don't really pay much attention to that anymore. I always get sick every month for the month, & then I'm OK the following month..& the month AFTER THAT month, I'm down again. -.- Complete WEIRDNESS.

I'm kinda wonderin' right now...where's my life headed? Another disaster? Eternal bliss? Or just another phase of utter confusion? Why do I always get trapped in my own thoughts..why..why...WHYYY?

Missin' 'Mr Badabooom' miserably...he came for a couple of hours on Thursday, and then left back for Shj again. Ever since the night I had an outburst, I've not gone to him for my regular 'therapy sessions'. Sheesh..that night was BAD...just like the countless nights that passed me by...>.<

I'm wonderin' if I'm going to be 'scarred' by certain things that happened in the past? Will I always end up comparing 'then' & 'now'? My paranoia has eased a liiiil' the 'compulsive thinker' that I am..I DOUBT I'll ever be a NORMAL person again!:p Quote Mr Badaboom:'Insaaayyyne in the membraaayyyne'

Mmmm...'5aa9a' is HARD! They said it'll all be in Arabic, and it is...except that WE have to translate everything in URDU! >.< So freakin' HARD! I'm absolutely FINE with stopping at the 'Arabic stage'! Sb7anallaah, when I see the others struggling with e3raab, w translation..I fail to understand WHAT is so tough about the whole thing..why the others are struggling. Bes then, when it comes to my turn to translate, I really feel like punching someone in frustration! LOL, there I am, struggling miserably...i KNOW what's written in front of me, Al7amdulillaah, it's just the freakin' language...ARGH! So I start rambling off in English, or '3ammiya' Arabic, and a lil bit of Urdu here & there, & my Mom & teachers stare at me in despair..." URDU M*****, URDUUU! " OK, I KNOW Urdu, right? I just don't know how to construct proper sentences -.- You gimme word, I'll give you the meaning...bes YOU do the damn sentence construction! -.-

Writing, al7amdulillaah, is no problem at all looks like Arabic..LOL. My teachers say, " Wow, at first glance, the examiner might give you the 10 additional marks..thinking you've answered the paper in Arabic! " (H) Yeah, but what if the examiner's a strict one? Then I'm screeeewed! I know for a fact: my sentence structure is absolutely terrifying! It's like..instead of saying: "And which favors/bounties of your Lord will you deny?" I end up saying: " And deny favors/bounties of Lord which? " YEEEEEEESHHH...bad bad BAAAAD!

OK, I'm depressed after writing about my sorry state with I can hold a decent conversation for an OK amount of time, so why the hell is translating giving me white hair?! *FIGURATIVE SPEECH! My hair's a funky brown with a slightly reddish tinge!*

And my English....AAAAH...don't lemme start on that..! It's going...hell, it's ALREADY GONE to the dogs! Language CRISIS! :'( At this rate, I think all 3 languages are goin' to be pretty messed up, lol. *Bangs her head on the table*

OK OK..I'm not mentioning my highs in life on this blog anymore...someone out there is givin' me the 'evil eye' -.- Solution: poke their eyes out? (A) :p

Wow, this is a pretty long post, eh? Ah well...there's a LOT more I wanted to write about,,bes I'll leave that for the next post! I should go bury myself in my books now...*WHYYYY DID I TAKE BUSINESS?!:'(*

Lol, enough venting for now...

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Back Online!

Salam 3alykm

Yes, I'm First off, I'd like to thank my new reader who prefers to keep him/herself anonymous for a reason which I don't know -.- lol, bs long as you're enjoying the insanity, it's all goood!

Life's been absolutelyyyy beeeaaauuutiiifuuuul :D *apart from the couple of 'downs' that struck me* I don't think I've been happier & more secure than I am now! *Al7amdulillaah*

Aiight, so I wrote two separate poems so far, *well, no..that would be a lie. I wrote more than two, bes I'm not feeling THAT generous today :p* one of which I think is kinda retarded, but considering I wrote in less than 20 minutes, it's not that bad! I like the second one, but I wrote it when I was going through a 'down' it doesn't really count anymore. I'll save the poems for later, right now I just want to blog a 'lil' bit!

Regarding the socks &'s a shame really, bes I wore them for a day & *I shouldn't be saying this!* it was hooorrriiible! I couldn't hold anything properly, and my walking speed was decreased cuz my feet *NO, it ain't funny -.-* kept 'slipping & sliding in my shoes'. Yes, I know how weird that sounds, and No, I don't know how to explain it in a clearer way! I can't walk slow, always seems like I'm in a rush for something! I guess I get that from Dad; you gotta walk really fast to keep up with him, & now I've pretty much forgotten how to stroll. So yeah, the 'banana peel in my shoe' effect didn't do it for me. May Allah give me the Toufi8 to start wearing the socks & gloves with no difficulties, just as He made it easy for me to wear N8aab at a young age, Ameen.

I've given up on the idea of caffeine pills so far, but if things go 'wrong', I'm headed straight for the pharmacy!-.- *So - in other words - to 'whomever it may concern', don't piss me off -.- :p*

I desperately want to go for 3mrah in March, but I already had a hellish time last semester; missed a month of university! I'll miss three days only..but I gotta go to university 3 days a week only! And you don't generally pray Isti5ara about stuff like this, bes I think that's the only way I'll be at peace with my decision! *Unless my readers have any better idea? If you do, please share! I really want to go but then..uni!* I don't want to be called 'C-Class girl' for the rest of my life! *As much as it sounds like I'm being compared to a Benz (H)* I want to show 'em a GPA above 3.5 this semester! I told 'em there's going to be no traveling whatsoever, cuz I need to attend EVERY SINGLE CLASS...bes...3mraaaaah :'(

My heart is torn into pieces, and strangely enough...all the pieces want to be in beloved Makkah & it is, we can't go anymore in summer cuz for the coming 3 years, I HAVE to be in Pakistan for the exams =( And Rama'9aan...UNI again!>.< ARGH! I SOOO want to go!:'( Inshalla 5ayr *sighs*

Moving on..*stunned speechless by a text message she just got*

WHOA..OK *takes a deep breath* I think I'll just leave y'all with the poems..waayy too excited & nervous to continue now!

First one, written on the 2nd of Feb, 2008: TWO STRANGERS

Two strangers they were on the first day
Got knocked down by love & were swept away
Both heartbroken & insecure
Thought love existed no more..
Buried under the burden of their sorrows
Grief stricken like there was no tomorrow
Turned to each other for solace & comfort
Sought from one another the needed support
...Enveloped by love, they stand today
Becoming inseparable by the day
Holding on strongly to what they own
Waiting to turn their house into a HOME
They were merely two strangers on the first day
But now they're soul-mates trying to find their own way..

Second, written on *LOL* 3rd Feb, 2008: A Born Loner *doesn't count anymore!:D*

Life isn't always how it seems
I feel like I'm living in a world of dreams
Everything I reach for vanishes into thin air
I've become so used to it, I don't even despair *YEAH RIGHT!*
It's like I'm destined to live alone
Both heart & soul I've ceased to own
My tears have long dried up, replaced by a sad smile
Crying for the impossible is not worthwhile
Alone I stand; determined & proud
Only 'cuz I know, I stand apart from the crowd...