Peaceful

Salam 3alykm,

I'm happy, al7amdulillaah. It feels wonderful; my heart's at ease. I don't feel like bursting into tears 24/7, which is amazing really! I don't know what brought this change, but I've decided there's really no point in complaining about those things I don't have. Our lives are balanced; we always have something in compensation for what we don't have....and al7amdulillah I've realized that! Either that, or I'm feeling extra philosophical now :p

Yesterday, my professor said something which really made sense! We complain day & night, whether it be about our work/study surroundings, or personal lives. How does that help us? I think it just puts more stress on a person to think of all the negative aspects of life; it's tested & certified! Instead of wasting our time complaining, why don't we think of solutions to the problem?! Agreed, there are some things that don't really have a solution, but that's when you can wreck your brain trying to think of it's compensation :p

I just remembered, my mom's friend wanted me to give a small talk to a bunch'a 'teenies' for her daughter's 'sweet sixteen'. I'm supposing that passed off in the duration we had traveled, so al7amdulillah I was spared! Teens are major rebels; kudos to my parents for dealing with me while I was in the rebellious phase..I was terrible! Attire didn't really matter when it came to me; music and lack of 3ibadeh though...was at its climax! Smoking, sheesha, & drugs all disgusted me, so my parents were lucky! I remember talking to a couple of this girl's friends..lets just say Allah bestowed me with tolerance at the right time, w lillaah el7md!

I know I'm not an angel, but it really aggravates me seeing the condition of Muslims these days. Is it because I see a vague reflection of what I used to be? Wallaahu a3lam. Sometimes I think maybe I'm being a hypocrite by talking all religious, then I stop for a while. I guess it just proves that our Iman level does fluctuate! I've noticed, when I'm in the company of those way better than me, I feel really 'pious', and want to correct myself...bes youm aseer eluni, Allah yster. Half the times, I miss my prayers..end up praying them really late! I think, " ok, inshalla will sit in the masjid w read Qur2aan during my free time", bes I end up fil labs, aimlessly whiling away time! It's a sad situation walla; I wish I had someone asking me persistently 'did you pray/read Qur2aan today?' I need someone to keep warning me walla, cuz in uni, no one really cares! We all need that, and that's why they say that your company matters BIG TIME! The day you decide to befriend those people that are far away from their Deen, that's when you throw yourselves in the hands of Shay6aan! It happened with me, so I know it very well...

What hurts me the most, is missing Fajr everyday. I know my day would be infinite times better if I prayed Fajr right on time, and there's no one to blame but myself for that. I can't say that I try, because setting an alarm 2 hours before Fajr isn't enough. It's obvious if I sleep at 3 or 4, there's NO WAY I'll make it for Fajr! They say when you love someone, you'll automatically get up from the deepest sleep when they call your name; does it mean my heart is void of Allah's love?:'( Sb7anallaah, I know people who wake up right at the sound of the Athaan! Forget that, they wake up right at the time for Tahajjud..regardless of the time they went to sleep! This shows their love for Allah! How fortunate are those who spend their nights in sujood while the rest spend theirs sleeping...may Allah make me one of the former, Ameen :'(

It's now time for 39r, so I better wrap this post up. I always say, the best thing is to get married to a person who'll persuade you to do 3ibadeh at all times! At the times that their level of Iman is low, you support them & help push them towards Allah....and vice versa! May Allah bless us all with righteous spouses, Ameen.

Our future is in our hands; we can either make it or break it. But when our bodies are laid down to rest & all our loved ones walk away leaving us all alone, we reach a point of no return...no looking back. It's either a pass or fail...Jannah or Jahannam.

May Allah save us all from 3thaab el 8br, and join us all in Jannatl Firdous under his Ra7ma & ne3m, Ameen.

Happy, Al7amdulillaah!:D

Salam 3alykm :D

Yeah, I'm grinning like an idiot right now while typing out this post; life has suddenly taken a woooonderfuuul U-turn, Al7amdulillaah!:D My life's been absolutely GREAT starting from the end of Friday, Allah ybarek w yzeeeeeeeeed the surprises w happiness, Ameeeeeeeeeeeen :D

1. We all went to the international motor show on saturday, & I fell in love over & over again!(L)
2. I also got my NEW FONE on Saturday...a NOKIA 5700! :D It's amaaaziiin...looove my new baby(L)
3. The best thing that's happened to me: I got permission for contact lenses todaayyyyy!!! I'm sooo incrediblyyy haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppyyyy...*jumps up & down with glee*

Let's hope Bu 3eesa's not too far away either, eh?;) THAT would just send me to cloud 9! :D OMG, Nov 2007 is the BEST month of my entire life...which is sooo ironic since the end of Nov 2006 was pretty much HELLISH! Sb7anallaah, walla don't know WHAT I've done to deserve such amazing surprises, lillaah el7md wesh shekr! (L)

However, the insignificant down-side of my life is...I'm loooooooaded with uni work; I don't think I'll be sleeping much 'til the finals! However, I'm just waaaayyyy toooo happy to think about that right now :D Notice all the smileys I'm usin'?!

I'm lovin' all those who are reading this right now, LOL...yep, even if you're a stranger! Ask me for anything now, and I'll gladly execute your commands :p *Although I know the only one who actually bothers to read my blog is....LOL...*this sounds so damn pathetiiic* Me, Myself, & I =$
I could just kiss the next person who walks into my room senseless, LOL! *A family member only though!*

Aaaaaaahhhhh....life!(L) Sb7anallaah, we rarely express our feelings towards the benefits in life; all my posts are sooo friggin' depressing! I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove my...loved ones? xD OMG I'm just soo very happy for words!

Bu 3eesa should come into my life right about now, and he'll be one extremely happy guy, LOL! Cuz Um 3eesa is just knocked senseless with happiness! :D

Sick & Tired

Salam 3alykm,

...And it's funny how I'm back again; blogging. Sitting in uni, feeling incredibly sick. My throat hurts so much that my eyes keep welling up with tears...SISSSIIIEE i know! >.<

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I hurt my wrist right now, have this reeally bad habit of cracking my wrists. I'm happy it's the left one; won't need it much. Waiting for 7pm to come so the dreary Stats II class can start, and end at a painful 830. Last class I kept dozing off in between; I couldn't help it! I'm so KO'd at the end of the day...I need a major break!

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For some strange reason, I cried myself to sleep last night..I'm one miserable chick! It doesn't feel right, really. How can something so flawless be a curse? It just doesn't make sense! I neeeed a distraction from life badly. I'm trying to get on with life as sanely as possible, but there's very little one can do when their mind's preoccupied and under stress all the time!

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I can't believe some things people do to others in life; don't they know what goes around comes around? Anyway, looks like Dad's trying his best to get Grannie here; all she can talk about is my marriage! Sometimes I feel like a bride, as stupid as that sounds! Spoke to her today and she's like, " Why don't you look for someone? " I just laughed it off, but Mami got horrified..LOL. She thinks I'm like the rest of them; putting off marriage as much as I can. But no, I'm waaayyy different; would gladly 'leave the nest' tonight if possible! Marriage, marriage, marriage...that's all people can talk about these days! The hottest topic that people come up with when I'm around, "When you getting married, hon?" GODD!!! Does it look like I bloody know?! Seriously, I feel like a machine at times; wake up, study 3elm & then head off to uni. Study some more there, then head back home. Day in and day out...that's my routine. So anyway, Grannie's like " Your Grandad passed away, and he didn't see any of his grandchildren married." That kinda hurt...but it's not in our hands! I know he always wanted to be there to see our weddings. I remember when I was 17, he used to sit on the dinner table and plan away my marriage with my eldest bro! [Allah yj3el gabreh ro'9a min ryaa'9 eljannah...Ameen]

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2nd year on with these dreadful glasses; they're really getting on my nerves now! So, yesterday I brought up the subject of lenses again...but only ended up frustrated & nearly in tears...cuz my Dad wouldn't take me seriously! Sub7anallaah, today he calls from work & goes like, " Set up an appointment with the eye specialist in elM'3reby. We'll see him regarding your contacts!" I was dumbfounded for a minute or two, then ran around frantically trying to get an appropriate day! =D Anyway, I hope all goes well Inshalla; will be seeing the Doc next Sunday..!

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It's funny how I'm always on the verge of tears! I disgust myself; so bloody emotional! >.<>barely shed a tear, and now...the waterworks turn on by themselves! Whenever I feel frustrated & helpless, I hide away from the rest of the world...and sob my heart out..

How friggin' LAME.

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A lot of weirdness going on these days...guys calling me up, or adding me on MSN! So far, I haven't found the need to go up to big bro to get rid of 'em...I scare them away with my m6aw3a-ness. -.- Bunch'a desperados looking for a quick hook-up. Allah yhdeehm w yhdeena jmee3n

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My love just keeps growing for them by the dayyy; they HAAAAAAAAVE to be family someday! So amazingly mesmerizing!

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My throat is really killing me; without any exaggeration, I feel like my insides are enflamed, est'3firullah! I should really do something about my miserable state; I'm putting myself through unecessary self-torture. Life can be so painful at times, it's unbelievable...

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A'aight, I'm out now...heading to the masjid for some peace & tranquility. Thikrullaah is like a tranquilizer: instills peace in one's heart & erases all existing worries & hardships.

Al7amdulillaah 3la n3met el Islam <3

Survivin'

Salam 3alykm,

Had I known divorcing forums & MSN would've been so beneficial, I would've done it AGES ago! Anyway, I just noticed the day today...I thought I wouldn't be able to get through October this year, cuz of the memories, but turns out Oct 2007 was worse! I've started going in his room now, but only cuz the mirror's there...can't bring myself to look at any of his things! I can't help remembering the memories he's left us with; sometimes it helps pretending he's still in the hospital...

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So I told mama a lot of what she'd missed regarding my uneventful life couple a days ago; she actually guessed it! She looked really worried when I confirmed her doubt, so I told her I didn't have any hopes at all. I don't really; it was all just a miscalculation born from confusion on both parts, that's all. What sucks is though, I just realized NOW what month we're in..Nov. Tryin' to get rid of the memories that push through annoyingly...stiiill tryin'..

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Argh, it's so goddamn HARD! The thought is soo tempting, but I made myself proud couple a days ago..I HAD to do it; couldn't go on faking something like that! It actually is existent, but not under those circumstances, NO FRIGGIN' WAY. Someone told me I'm heartless couple a days ago, and the funny thing is...I couldn't deny it. Yeah, heartless..

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I now feel like an outcast in uni too..hate it, hate it, hate it. I'm not paranoid...I'm just unwanted. Plain & simple; U-N-W-A-N-T-E-D. I thought maybe I'm at fault, but naah...I can never fit in with the rest of them. It's all good...I'm survivin'. They suggested using my miserable voice for Cultural Day...I'm thinkin' of pulling out. Can't be responsible for the nightmares all the guys will have after that night, uh uh; specially the VIPs. Besides, I don't wanna have anything to do with any damn love stories; I've seen too many hearts break for fake love. I'd rather jump in with a buncha great white sharks.

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I'm noticing my posts are increasingly becoming irrelevant to Deen as the days go by. I'm tired of all the blame & controversies; layin' low from now on..

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Latest news? My bed broke, so now I'm sleeping on the floor. It's not fair; I certainly as hell didn't have anything to do with it, so why am I on the floor?! Oh well, it's all good; so damn worn out, I KO as soon as my head hits the pillow. Oh, Nadz came over today...and we had a blast! Her quote " There aren't a lotta people I know that deserve you" had us both laughing like escapists from a mental asylum. The quote makes me feel like a bloody curse, lol. The best part of the day was her mental image of my future husband, & our 'mansion'. According to her, I'm marrying some melt7y guy, who has girlie eyes, LOL. OH, shes definitely not coming anywhere remotely close to me with make-up! I already told her she's not doing my hair on my wedding..not unless my husband wants a PUNK as a bride! However, she's free to design my home...on her expense!:p Aah, love the ol' girl...my sister from another mother...<3

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I'm randomizing...and it feels good. I'm feelin' really tired now...dammit! Another memory of the 'doomed' days of 2006 just flashed by. Anyway...hopefully I'll crawl up & die sometime before 2008; do the world a major favor! God...I've hit the climax of loser-dom.