This blog has finally gone private, but I might make it public again after 2 months or so...depending on whether I'm still alive, or whether this blog still is.
I leave you with something I wrote today..
My Soul's Demise
You look at me & think you know it all
Has it occurred to you I'm living a lie?
Undoubtedly I've been shattered by the fall
And my dead soul can no longer deny
Their expectations have buckled me down
At whatever I've done so far, I've failed
Heart break was the only thing I found
And my entire life has been derailed
Some would say it's what I deserve
for allowing myself to be lead astray
I really thought my chastity I'd preserve
He could never be the one who would play
It was not his looks, wealth, origin, or personality
The main attraction was his Deen
I'd never met anyone like him in my life's entirety
Whatever we had seemed like a dream
I was a fool to believe those 3 words
At the time, I didn't feel for him the same way
My initial reply was incredibly absurd
I was shocked & didn't know what else to say
'Some day'..I hoped his disease would go away
But he died..yet my heart still bleeds for him
Never did I believe would come the day
Where he'd give in to his pleasure & whim
He played the most murderous mind games
Killed me & took Deen as his shield
Brutally stabbed in my heart his name
Then left me to bleed in the battlefield
Four years later, tears glisten on my cheeks
Knowing..in less than a month, he'll officially be someone's man
While I psychotically pour my feelings onto sheets
Wel-aware of the fact that this heartbreak I will never withstand
I blame myself for all the pain I feel
I will never be capable of loving again
I should've known something SO close to perfect can never be real
It's solely because of me that my soul...now lies slain
It took a lot of guts to post something so revealing, but I'm sick and tired of being judged all the time. I seem like the girl who has never done anything wrong, and people expect too much from me. The expectations are breaking me down, day by day. I know myself, I know the mistakes I've made...I've gone through too much in a very short time. I'm only 20, but I feel like I'm 10 years older. I hide behind the 'immature' front, because it makes me feel like a care-free child all over again. This is only 1/8th of what pulls me down - and what kills me even more is that HE KNEW the remaining 7/8th, promised to be there for me...and then shamelessly...heartlessly...played me. All this, while claiming to love my brother like his own.
If you ever get to read this, I first want to congratulate you on getting married..and second, no one will EVER know who you are. They might hear about what you've done, because keeping it inside for all this time has only succeeded in eroding my insides...but I will never bring shame to your name. If you ever read this, I want to know why you did what you did; why you went through all the trouble of getting down to the point of having our mothers exchange their numbers..and then, playing me.
Clearly...your claim of wanting to make it '7alaal' was just a scam. You KNOW you couldn't get me any other way..so you played the 'marriage' card. Maybe...the only satisfaction out of this all is the fact YOU YOURSELF claimed..I beat you to your own game..Thank You..for that. As absurd as this may sound...I don't know HOW I cornered you, because as I read through our old emails..I can't recognize the words as my own. I really applaud myself for THIS ONCE, for writing such stable emails in THAT frame of mind. As you would like to put it: قدر الله, ما شاء فعل
Readers..I hate to have disappointed you with this post..but I have reached a state where my Mom and bros can now sense something is REALLY wrong. Yes..March..he'll be gone. Officially. But wait..didn't I say he's dead? He is..and I'd never marry his replacement even if I were paid to. Unfortunately, I'm deeply in love with someone who doesn't exist anymore...not for anything else..other than his Deen.
Someone please do the world a favor, and shoot me. I'm too psychotic to be allowed to live, but I won't give you any more evidence of my madness. I believe I have shared more than was necessary...but necessary it was...to prevent me from doing something as drastic as..yet another 7araam and failed attempt on my life.
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
10 comments:
tabban!
Darkness was seeping out from everywhere from that post.
To use religion as means to reach for a girl...how low can can this be..?
i know you already heard this a lot and i'm sure i will sound like a broken record...but please um 3esa...you need to get over the bastard....you need to do it just to continue on living!
i know how much you're hurting know...how you feel so betrayed and worse..the feeling of how your feelings got used, abused...and then thrown out like you didn't mean anything in the first place.
you have no idea how much stories like this i read about, was told, even saw with my own eyes...it's always the girl who ends up in ruins. it's always the girl who end up ripped apart to pieces beyond recognition....lift as only a shadow of her former lively self, ruining any chance for her to function as a normal person again.
I encountered a lot of these instances that it made me sick, sick to my stomach. Only a few of these cases who were strong enough to get pass this turmoil...this chaotic ambivalence phase.
The question is, are you strong enough to do this too? can you put a stop to all of this pain and suffering and - i'm sorry to say this- meaningless torment..?
Do you find it in yourself to stop re-living the past..? to cut free from all that which attach you to those times? to start a new you? a you that will look for your tomorrow..a you that will never turn around and look back to those past times cause it knows it can't change anything about it..?
I think wither it's happiness, or misery...it's all up to you, it's in no one's hands but you. Nobody will be able to help you but you...yourself.
The pain will continue to eat you alive, you'll still feel that you're loosing pieces of your soul...your will being every single day, until you decide to put a stop to all of this. If you WILL it enough, it will happen.
reaching a new resolution was never to be handed down by others...it always came from within.
I wish you choose to do the right thing.
sorry for being so preachy...again -_-"
but i just had to say this.
may happiness and goodness be in whichever path you choose to take.
hang in there and may god help you...
You still have a long journey ahead, don't let a road hump distract you. Life is beautiful, good luck :-)
Eramsurviv0r: yeah, cuz pretty much..darkness is what envelopes me right now..
wallahu a3lam..i dont want to say anything that might backfire on me..akeed..he had his reasons..
9edg walla..i need to do all that..bes can someone teach me HOW to..instead of telling me all the time? i've tried..i guess..time can only heal the pain..
".it's always the girl who ends up in ruins. it's always the girl who end up ripped apart to pieces beyond recognition....lift as only a shadow of her former lively self, ruining any chance for her to function as a normal person again."
no one has EVER got it so right..i'm amazed..literally..
*sighs* i dont know the answer to that q..i dont think i am..yet..& the proof is what happened last night..lets just say..i THOUGHT i was over it all..but last night proved me WRONG..inshalla 5ayr..
i have tried..i have tried SO MANY times to let go..to move on in life..'dont need a man to validate me' BS..everything..but i always fall back down again..& the wound starts bleedin'..relapse is the HARDEST..and my bro has warned me abt it..only thing is..i'll laugh it off then..but secretly knw hes right..
yes yes i know..same thing i tell other heartbroken friends, yet i can never seem to apply it on myself. it's annoying how i've pulled SO many people outta depression, yet i can't help myself.
"The pain will continue to eat you alive, you'll still feel that you're loosing pieces of your soul...your will being every single day, until you decide to put a stop to all of this. If you WILL it enough, it will happen."
once again..exact feelings..you're beginning to freak me out, lol.
inshalla 5ayr..i'm hoping once he's married..i'll forget everything - let everything go. like i said..feel free to preach..it might bring some sense to my head ^_^
thanx walla..i REALLY appreciate you takin' time out to write all this..at least someone cares =)
may He help us all - Ameen
dubai guy: thanx for the kind words..appreciate em ^_^
Selam.
I could relate to you from the point where you said you hight behind the "immature front".
First of all, I'd like to say that whatever he did, Allah may not forgive him. BEcause that was not part of "Deen" that he claims it to be. I don't know EXACTLY what happened, but from what I understand, he did not do right, whether it was ISlamically or ehtically, and Allah will punish him for that. Also remember sister, all the struggles in thsi world, you are receiving Jannah for it. Don't give up on life though. Please try to find beauty and reason in it to live. I'm 16 but I realised that life is still worth living, even though there is depression.
Stay strong. I hope I can be support for you. Also, I'd like to be a reader.
Consider =)
w3lykm as salam w r7matullahi t3ala w barakateh ^_^
la..Allah '3foor w R7eem...whatever he did,he might have tasted the bitterness of his medicine at somepoint, but if he repented for it..surely Allah WILL forgive him..^_^
La al7mdella I'm past this...I'm over what happened, and I'm over him =) He was just another experience in life, from which i learned many valuable lessons, Al7mdella..
w i'd be totally honored if you'd become a reader!:D
7ayyach..to my world of insanity! xD
Since you're past this I am going to dedicate my comment solely on this poem.
First of all, I liked this poem. It is a long poem, but that's a GREAT thing; because, in my opinion, the situation you experienced was an enormously huge one (I presume) and this poem needs to reflect that situation, which it did by making it a long one.
It is composed of nine stanzas; each composed of four lines with abab rhyme (not entirely though; extra 's' on some parts). It had two primary characters revolving around a main plot, yet with numerous descriptions and introductions of other characters increasing the complexity of the poem but withholding its coherency.
I liked it most because many individuals can relate to it. It could have been written with a more personal approach; i.e. the readers not understanding some aspects of it, since the poet only relates to it and understands it. I would've understood it if you used such approach, but you wanted us, the readers, to appreciate this situation that you went through.
If the first 'you' in the first line of the first stanza refers to the audience then that means the character in the first person is saying how the public when meets him/her (in this case, you, the poet) thinks how good your life is or how relaxed you seems etc., but then you introduced a rhetorical question 'has it occurred to you I'm living a lie?' refuting such 'accusations' continued by introducing words with great impacts for 'first impression': 'shattered by the fall' and 'dead soul'.
The second stanza is about 'their', referring to a group of individuals, and about the outcome that you managed to grasp out of the 'failure' which is a 'broken heart'. You still continue talking about the group of people exposing their role in this whole thing; either showing how they are making the situation worse or how they understood it wrongly.
In the last line of the third stanza we are introduced to this second main character in the third person as 'he'. From the fourth until the eighth stanza you talk about the 'situation'.
I mostly enjoyed reading the sixth and the seventh stanzas as you introduced extreme words reflecting the 'struggle', such as 'disease', 'death', 'bleeding', 'murder', 'stabbing' and 'battlefield'. Just amazing!!
The wounds were hard to forget and the way you eluded to that is by giving a timeline, 'four years later', and then you utilised words referring to 'emotions' such as 'tears' and 'psychotically pour'.
I actually did not like the last stanza, even though it is solely about yourself (which is important) and that some ppl might also relate to it. The reason would be due to the fact that I don't think there is a reason or a purpose to write such lines. Also, they do not seem to cohere with the rest of the poem, despite the subject being the same. The overall outcome of the poem does not seem to point towards what you have said. Having said that, it is you who wrote it, you who understand it the most!!
A remarkable poem, thanks for sharing, and remember "ان مع العسر يسرا"!!
wow...i LOVE the analysis! O_O since i'm half dazed after 12 straight-hours of studyin 'droos el bala'3a' *and learnin god knows how many ash3ar!*...magder astaw3eb half of it xD but referrin' to the first line..
it's probably goin to take a life-time gettin past this situation - bes al7mdulillah 3la kil 7aal.
it was going to be a whole lot longer cuz i just kept going, but my mom took one look at the post and she shook her head..and said: self-destructive.
6th and 7th? i was feelin angry by then..so i decided to get brutal & cold-blooded :p
yeah..the last stanza i dint like myself - i thought it was a 'cheap' way to close the poem..but i HAD to, or it wouldn't end! i might change it..dependin on my mood..some day..when i'm feelin' low & miserable - ideal time to edit it..but at the time, it all made sense to me cuz i literally FELT that way..4 yrs is a long time and..yeah..seemed true then..
walla nawart the blog with your comments & i love readin all the analysis! *which is strange, since i totally DETESTED analysis in english AS :P*
lookin' forward to read more analysis..specially on the poem titled 'a drug addict'!
tabarak Allah u've got heaps of poems, gimme some time.. i have work too, u know =p
yeah, i was used to analysing poetry in english GCSE, and i actually liked it, but since talkish was closed i did not come across many individuals who are poets, and so i didn't analyse anything... until, tadaaa, i came across ur full-of-misery blog, loool... and saw 34 POEMS, tabarak Allah and started analysing!!
but as u might have noticed, i do not analyse all the poems, just the ones i like or those that seem interesting =p
laaa walla..w ana fa'9ya? -.- xD
tra you win hands down - i might have a lot of poems, bes its quality, NOT quantity!
i've not come across many poets either!=( which kinda sucks, cuz iv now lost all sense of analysis xD
yeah 34..but these aren't ALL of em, mind you!:P heeeyyy..it HAS happy posts - go see the one on cars, for instance! & the GTR..<3 :P
ya5i, analyze the crappy ones too..so i learn not to write crappy ones anymore!:P keep up with the analysis and i might just keep writin' to read 'em!:P
Salam 3alikom,
I must say this is one of the most touching poem I did read in a while. Your story resembles story of most guys and girls today. I am not underestimating the sadness you are bearing I wish you overcame this already.
I know how it feels, mostly this is the end of such relationships, a quote I always kept repeating and posting is: "Forever Shall The Wolf In Me.. Desire The Sheep In You!" this is how most men think.
Your story reminds me of a story of someone ^_^ almost same.
Allah yekoon fe 3onech Um3awas
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