Motherhood

Salam 3lykm,

I find myself at the mercy of a keyboard once again. Until this post is written, I won't know whether that's fortunate or not, but I'm hoping it lifts the burden from my chest. Motherhood is endless; there's no pause button, and I think it's slowly getting to me. I can't just hand my baby over to someone, let alone take off on a getaway. And now I'm having another one. 

Everyday, I feel like I'm not cut out for this. I can barely take care of myself, let alone raise a decent human being. It's such a struggle, because life's entire purpose has changed. I feel like there are days when I want to throw in the towel, and say 'eff this! I'm done being a housewife'. There are days when I don't want to do a single thing, but how do you explain that to those around you? How do you tell them that you just want to hit pause indefinitely, when it doesn't even exist?

Even as I type, my son is stumbling all over the sofa, trying to get his mother's attention by hitting whatever keys he can get his pudgy little hands on. When all else fails, he then gets up to antics he knows are 'no nice', but at least Mama will put everything down..even if it means she won't be happy about it. See, a husband can be ignored when you're not in the mood for life, and to a certain extent, he will give you your space. But babies? How do you tell your baby, 'Mama is taking a break today - entertain yourself.' You just bloody can't.

Motherhood is super difficult. And I'm telling you, I'm not cut out for it. I don't have the patience or tolerance it takes..to be a mother. I might just be a monster, instead of a mother. Motherhood wasn't meant for the likes of myself; sometimes, I find myself wishing I'll wake up at some point, from this recurrent dream. Don't get me wrong; Eesa is the most adorable baby there ever could be, and counting him infinite times as a blessing, still wouldn't do him justice. In fact, that's exactly what makes me feel so inadequate.

Bu3awas has been after me to join some Mommy & Me classes, or communities of stay-at-home moms, but I really couldn't be bothered. I don't have the will or energy to interact with other adults, to forge friendships that may or not 'blossom' into something that would be beneficial for my well-being. Stuff it! I don't even want to smile some days; who's going to deal with the consequences of my lack of desire to feel anything, when I actually make the effort to be social?

I was never good at friendship, anyway...it takes way too much effort - I'd rather channel whatever effort I can muster up, into motherhood. I can tell you one thing, though: there are days when I don't want to get out of bed, but when my baby peers at me innocently, with those big brown eyes of his..curiously pokes his stubby shrimp-like fingers up my nostrils, and giggles with delight as he exclaims, "Namma!" (Food!)..it makes me throw the covers off, and start yet another day.

So, that's my jumbled up take on motherhood. I'm not cut out for it, but there's no turning back now. I'm not cut out for it, but I have to force myself to be. I'm not cut out for it, but these little lives depend on me, so here's to feigning positivity..and possibly, a life of make-belief. 

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا