My Subtle Declaration

Salam Allah 3lykm, 

Every post, I begin with how I thought I didn't have it in me anymore..this isn't to say I consider myself a great writer, but it seems like I'm always going to have something to fall back on, lest I lack someone to lean on someday. 

I sat in the corridors of my apartment, (unaware of how friggin' cold the tiles were, 'til I had to get up) scribbling away the thoughts that were beginning to eat me alive. Until today, I thought I had forever lost the ability to turn my thoughts into words, for fear of being judged. Or ridiculed. Maybe I'd subconsciously shut off the ability to do so, because I didn't want to accept any alternative to the life I had once dreamt of, and written about. I still find myself hesitant, hitting 'backspace'...as I ponder the consequences of my written words. Once this post is up, it is a known fact that it will never be altered...let alone deleted. 

On a sidenote, I read some posts I wrote a long time ago...and realized I don't even know who I am anymore. I contradict everything I once thought I'd be. My aspirations have been shot to hell, and everyday is now spent in regret. My tears have long dried up, and my spirit has slipped into a coma so deep, I fear I've reached a point of no return. 

I fear my thoughts, I really do. I have tried relentlessly to push them away, because once they are out..they might will distort my reality. But.........and it's a BIG but - I'm not living to love anymore. I'm just another prisoner of life, slashing days off as they come to a mundane end. I wish I could turn back the hands of time; I swear, I would be in a different place, far away from here.

My entire life flashes right before my eyes, as I think of every single life decision I entrusted a complete traitor with. Then I wonder about the million others who have suffered consequences worse than mine. 

How many lives have been ruined, how many hearts have been stomped upon...for the sake of 'In God we trust'? Which God were we being asked to seek, whilst a blindfold was being tightened, like a noose around the neck? Which God were we being told to turn back to, whilst our minds were being put to sleep? 

Mind games and manipulation, used to subdue and enslave people, turning them into nothing but minions. Minions who will literally bring the world to them at their feet,at the hefty price of their own lives, and the lives of their loved ones. 

Some of my thoughts may not make sense to many, but to those who have been swindled at the name of Islam, I sympathize with you. Those who have been maimed by a double-edged sword at the name of Islam, just remember: 

وَلَا تَحْسَبَنَّ اللَّهَ غَافِلًا عَمَّا يَعْمَلُ الظَّالِمُونَ ۚ إِنَّمَا يُؤَخِّرُهُمْ لِيَوْمٍ تَشْخَصُ فِيهِ الْأَبْصَارُ