Invisible

Salam 3lykm

New poem; written today while waiting for Dad to pick me up from university. 26th May, Inshalla...this nauseating 'semi-confinement' shall finally come to an end. A total detachment, I anticipate. A total detachment from the foreign and unnerving feelings I get, as I walk through the doors; familiar faces, yet all foreign. Unfamiliar faces; unnerving. Raw emotions tearing through walls of steel; crippled by thoughts that relentlessly batter my mind. A victim yet once again. I spare you of my delirious state, leaving you with my latest: 'Invisible'.

Invisible

I watch as they all pass by
Seconds turn into minutes
It's a thought I can't deny
As time is translated into digits

Swarmed by buzzing hornets
A threat to my thoughts' existence
Their deadly stingers an outlet
For those with inadequate resistance

They hover about in swarms...
I stand solitary.
Arising to work like lifeless forms
My gait: Military.

A Horrible Misfit
Everyday spent: confinement so despicable
Hours born of minutes
Devoured by self-hatred: a mere speck...
Invisible.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

PS. I'm not crazy; I just have a brain kicked into 'overdrive'. ;)

Disconnected.

I feel like I've been mentally disconnected from everyone I know. I dare not get close to anyone, because..either I push them away, or they are taken away from me. Why happiness is so temporary, I will never understand..very short-lived. I have no interest in life anymore; what is there to look forward to in this world?

I've been back-stabbed many times, and I see people getting back-stabbed all the time; hell, I don't even know who's genuine and who's not. As long as I'm studying 3elm, I'm fine. Once classes finish, or once I'm back in university for yet another day..I feel like someone has taken me out of Jannah and thrown me in Jahannam. I'm restless in university, specially if I still have time 'til class starts. There is nothing to do there.

Sometimes I think I don't belong in this world, yet I don't have what it takes to 'book me a spot' in Jannah. I look around helplessly; I might be smiling, but it is only because I've cried my eyes dry. I stare on clueless; I do not care to know what is going on anymore. Even if people try explaining, I'm used to living in my own little space. Leave me there.

اللهم لا عيش إلا عيش الآخره

A 'Graduate' :')

Salam 3lykm

I was going through ups and downs in life, and I'm still going through them...but I would like to share with you news of great value to me: 12th April, 2010 was a day of great significance to me; countless tears were shed, and countless 'reminiscent' laughs were shared, in the company of Banaat 3zeez ur R7maan...on the occasion of my 'graduation'. However, even though I have successfully completed the four-year long Sharee3a course, I stress on the fact that, 'there is yet much knowledge to be acquired', and thus I will continue to bear the label of 6alibat el 3elm until Youm al Qiyamah. I cannot bear the weight of the label '3alimah', and would like to request all to refrain from calling me that, as I do not deem myself worthy of such a responsibility.

This graduation IS, of course...MUCH more significant than my second, upcoming graduation; on May 26th Inshalla, I will be a jailbird at ADU no more. ;) I have no plans to attend my graduation however, as attainment of that degree was solely for the sake of pleasing my Dad..no more, no less. Bi Fa'9lillaah...my objective has been achieved, w lillaah el7md.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Uncertainties

Salam 3lykm,

Sh7alkm? A9ln, madry low anyone reads this blog anymore fa I'm going to stop asking this question soon. I've been busy throwing all that's left of my creativity into my elective English writing course, which is why this blog has become more of a dust-collector..lol.

Before I leave you with my latest therapy, a word of advice to the free-riders on my cbox:
Keep your sh** off my blog, please. This isn't an advertisement board at any cost. I've deleted the messages; there's zero-tolerance for explicit content. You and the rest of your kind have been warned.

Yeah, notice the bitterness in my tone? I'm in no-nonsense mode these days, for some strange reason. Anyway, enough said..I'll now leave you with the latest insight on my mental state (not very pleasant, lol). Enjoy intruding and snaking through the dark thoughts that fill my mind. ;)

The feeling of being lost is terrible. You don't know what to do; where to go; or how to find help to get back in the right direction. You might have even be lost forever, thus clueless of what the right direction really is. It's at times like those where you just want to throw everything and sit down. Helpless. Feeling hopeless. A Quitter. Or maybe, a Survivor.

Am I lost? Maybe not, but one thing is for sure: I have yet to be found. The question is: am I looking for something? I might be. It might exist, and it might not. I don't know.

The end. I've thought about it: what it's going to be like; will I succeed or fail. When I think of failing, that's when I shape up. But...it only lasts for a few days, if not less. Unfortunately.

It's happening again.More frequently now than before: slow suffocation. It feels like my lungs are about to collapse; my breath is struggling to escape.

What am I? What is happening to me? Where are all these questions rising from? Wait, I know. I know one line that will suffice as an answer to everything that threatens my sanity. What's left of it, of course.

I'm merely a victim of life's uncertainties.

PS. Please pray for me; really strong headaches of increasing frequency are 'rocking' my life. Don't know what they are, but I doubt they are migraines. No, I've not been to the doctor, yet..

Jzakm Allah 5ayr. =)

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh