Sleepless

Salam Allah 3lykm

No, I'm not a 'live-in wifey'; yes, I realize I've broken my vow not to write 'til I became one. No, I couldn't do without blogging; yes, it does keep me from going insane, contrary to popular belief. Yes, I'm still alive, fortunately or unfortunately.

My Twitter privileges have been revoked, yet once again, but it was a unanimous decision. They don't realize how it was preventing my breakdown, how something as insignificant as a social network held me up..and yes, I realize how pathetic it seems as I read what I've typed, but that's me. Writing gives me solace, & it's being taken away from me.

Instead of giving me any comfort, they're tightening the noose around my neck. Good enough, I suppose. Pretty much fed up at this point of my own existence. Seems like I'm the root of all evil; kill me already, please. No, I'm not suicidal. 

Okay, 'nuff said. I was only going to post what I wrote today morning, not vent out frustrations. I love my blog; sadly, it's the only thing that's been around when the only place I've wanted to be is in my grave. It keeps me together; prevents me from lashing out on those who pull me apart. 

Oprahs & Dr Phils of the East, keep your grubby paws off my blog, honestly. Go revel in your little bubble of happiness, where nothing goes wrong, and let me wallow in self-pity. Yes, in short..

F*** off. 

I'm awake, but I'd like to fall asleep forever. I cannot take the pain in life, I've become. Tears now fail to wash the messy turmoil my heart's in. I blindly gave myself away completely, without assessing my losses.

What I say or do holds no worth; I should have held on to myself, so I would've had one less a conflict to deal with today. Instead, all I have is the bitterness of failure, lacing my tears. All I have is a heartache, and doubts tightening around my neck, suffocating me like a criminal on death-row. 

I can't sleep forever, but I can pretend. Just like I pretend to be happy. I've perfected pretense well enough to fool myself into believing everything's alright, when it clearly isn't..

When you end up crying yourself to a troubled sleep, nothing's right. When you wake up in tears, and spend the entire day holding them back, only to let them flow when your head hits the pillow..

You realize you've lied to, & cheated NO ONE, but YOURSELF.