Salam 3alykm
While coming back from university a few minutes ago, a very painful memory spoiled my joyous mood on the way home. It was the first *and hopefully the LAST* time I ever cried in front of a friend. It is also the same reason that makes me cry at my stupidity, naivety, &...the most WONDERFUL mistake I ever made in my life...all because I learnt A LOT out of it...
Makes me wonder though...will I never be the same again? I was 16-17 at the time...I'm 19, going on 20 now...why the HELL can't I let go, even though I've done EVERYTHING there could be in this world to do so!?
And it's for this very reason that...I sometimes hate myself...
I know my emotions were toyed around with, I was just a game in the wrong hands...but why can't I HATE THE PLAYER??
I feel so broken right now...even drugs can't help me this time...
لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Life?
Salam 3alykm
Hopefully, this should be a short post because I have 4 tests to study for; 2 related to 3elm, & 2 related to uni!
Sb7analla, Allah really works wonders! I had given up on life completely a few days ago; spent a whole day doing nothing but crying. Didn't speak at all, just sat there while the tears flowed endlessly, wondering why & when my time would come. The following day in 7deeth class, we read a 7deeth...and the part that gave me the strength to stand up & face every single challenge in this world was: اللهم لا عيش الا عيش الآخرة
SB7ANALLA! I read that, and suddenly I felt like some sorta energy had been pumped in me! Al7mdulilah, even though things are still rough, I know that this is what the world is supposed to be like...and if I want anything different, then I gotta BUILD my own A5ira by workin' on my level of Iman, & graspin' onto the Sharee3a for dear life!
So, beloved brothers & sisters...there is still time -''til the sun rises from the West' as quoted by Rasulullaah صلى الله عليه و سلم - for sincere repentance.
May Allah make it easy for all of us to stay steadfast on His Deen; Ameen.
Hopefully, this should be a short post because I have 4 tests to study for; 2 related to 3elm, & 2 related to uni!
Sb7analla, Allah really works wonders! I had given up on life completely a few days ago; spent a whole day doing nothing but crying. Didn't speak at all, just sat there while the tears flowed endlessly, wondering why & when my time would come. The following day in 7deeth class, we read a 7deeth...and the part that gave me the strength to stand up & face every single challenge in this world was: اللهم لا عيش الا عيش الآخرة
SB7ANALLA! I read that, and suddenly I felt like some sorta energy had been pumped in me! Al7mdulilah, even though things are still rough, I know that this is what the world is supposed to be like...and if I want anything different, then I gotta BUILD my own A5ira by workin' on my level of Iman, & graspin' onto the Sharee3a for dear life!
So, beloved brothers & sisters...there is still time -''til the sun rises from the West' as quoted by Rasulullaah صلى الله عليه و سلم - for sincere repentance.
May Allah make it easy for all of us to stay steadfast on His Deen; Ameen.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Nail-biting
Salam 3alykm
I'm going through a very bad stage in life right now, but anyway...Al7amdulilah. I realized today, that...ever since a very young age, I've been inflicting pain upon myself. I've always been a nail-biter, & even though I stopped on & off, I bite the skin around the nails. Yep, it sounds ultra gross, but I don't exactly eat the skin as a snack or anything. I don't realize I'm doing it; it's only when people around shout at me, I put my hand back down.
And they didn't start shouting 'til recently; so it's become a pretty bad...habit? See, the thing is..when I bite my nails, I bite them 'til the point where I draw blood. Y'all ever cut your nail(s) off so much that it hurts? Well yeah, when I nail-bite, that's exactly what my nails look like. So, I'm sittin' today..thinkin' about stuff while ripping the skin around my nails, and I don't realize that's something's wrong, 'til I see blood. THAT'S when it sorta struck me...
My hands look messed anyway, so I don't care about them not bein' 'pretty' or 'feminine'. People see my fingers and wince, and I just look at them; expression-less. I don't find anything squeamish about them, but then again...I've been workin' on my fingers for quite a long time. The only downside though, is they start bleeding all of a sudden, and I won't realize it 'til I see blood on the keyboard *happens quite often*, on my notes *yep...this one too* , or on some other surface I've touched.
I couldn't care less if men find it disgusting and/or unattractive, so telling me stuff like, 'No one will want to marry a girl with hands like yours' isn't going to make me stop. A man who marries on the basis of a girl's hands is a narrow-minded freak who I wouldn't even consider in the first place. Besides, I've seen nothing except hatred, bitterness, & depression as a result of marriage...and men? I used to say the good ones are either taken or too old; now I say, they're either ma7ram or...DEAD. 6 feet under. Most men are heartless, inhumane, egoistic CREATURES who don't give a sh** about ANYONE except themselves. Even those who claim they're 'religious'...yeah, they have their own Sharee3a...customized to satisfy their selfish wants.
I couldn't care less about what my hands look like; I love them as they are because I accomplish a LOT of work with them...as for nail-biting, I'm going through another 'stop' phase, but I'm drawing even more blood now then ever (skin ripping). Another downside is I gotta keep redoing my w'9oo2 because of the blood factor, but I guess that's cool for when I'm home...can be a slight bit of a problem at uni, though.
For those people who I've 'counseled'...please don't adopt what I DO, adopt what I SAY (when it comes to the 'depression' factor; Deen-wise, I guess I'm OK) because what I do is exactly the opposite of what I say. Soon, the tables will be turned; Y'all will be givin' ME advice on why I shouldn't give up on life, but 'til then...accept my teachings & leave me be as I am...a psychotic, nail-biter who wishes her life would cease...but then she becomes hesitant, for she doesn't know if she has enough deeds to save her from Jahannam.
I'm going through a very bad stage in life right now, but anyway...Al7amdulilah. I realized today, that...ever since a very young age, I've been inflicting pain upon myself. I've always been a nail-biter, & even though I stopped on & off, I bite the skin around the nails. Yep, it sounds ultra gross, but I don't exactly eat the skin as a snack or anything. I don't realize I'm doing it; it's only when people around shout at me, I put my hand back down.
And they didn't start shouting 'til recently; so it's become a pretty bad...habit? See, the thing is..when I bite my nails, I bite them 'til the point where I draw blood. Y'all ever cut your nail(s) off so much that it hurts? Well yeah, when I nail-bite, that's exactly what my nails look like. So, I'm sittin' today..thinkin' about stuff while ripping the skin around my nails, and I don't realize that's something's wrong, 'til I see blood. THAT'S when it sorta struck me...
My hands look messed anyway, so I don't care about them not bein' 'pretty' or 'feminine'. People see my fingers and wince, and I just look at them; expression-less. I don't find anything squeamish about them, but then again...I've been workin' on my fingers for quite a long time. The only downside though, is they start bleeding all of a sudden, and I won't realize it 'til I see blood on the keyboard *happens quite often*, on my notes *yep...this one too* , or on some other surface I've touched.
I couldn't care less if men find it disgusting and/or unattractive, so telling me stuff like, 'No one will want to marry a girl with hands like yours' isn't going to make me stop. A man who marries on the basis of a girl's hands is a narrow-minded freak who I wouldn't even consider in the first place. Besides, I've seen nothing except hatred, bitterness, & depression as a result of marriage...and men? I used to say the good ones are either taken or too old; now I say, they're either ma7ram or...DEAD. 6 feet under. Most men are heartless, inhumane, egoistic CREATURES who don't give a sh** about ANYONE except themselves. Even those who claim they're 'religious'...yeah, they have their own Sharee3a...customized to satisfy their selfish wants.
I couldn't care less about what my hands look like; I love them as they are because I accomplish a LOT of work with them...as for nail-biting, I'm going through another 'stop' phase, but I'm drawing even more blood now then ever (skin ripping). Another downside is I gotta keep redoing my w'9oo2 because of the blood factor, but I guess that's cool for when I'm home...can be a slight bit of a problem at uni, though.
For those people who I've 'counseled'...please don't adopt what I DO, adopt what I SAY (when it comes to the 'depression' factor; Deen-wise, I guess I'm OK) because what I do is exactly the opposite of what I say. Soon, the tables will be turned; Y'all will be givin' ME advice on why I shouldn't give up on life, but 'til then...accept my teachings & leave me be as I am...a psychotic, nail-biter who wishes her life would cease...but then she becomes hesitant, for she doesn't know if she has enough deeds to save her from Jahannam.
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