To YOU

*For therapeutic purposes only - not your entertainment*

Salam 3lykm

Do you know how psychologically unstable you've made me? Or the emotional scars you've carved? I wonder how you can live every second of your life with no regret of the damage you've done - can it be that you're a sadist, and sickly PROUD of your accomplishment?

I can no longer do a lot of things every normal person in the world does, or I always do a lot of things every normal person in the world WOULDN'T do, and you do know YOU are to blame for that, right? First, it was just tears, now..it's blood. Feelin' proud, just yet?

I do not need a religious lecture - you're the LAST person I would tolerate it from. I know what is 7araam and what is 7alaal, so don't preach what you definitely don't practice. I wonder what image people would have of you, if they knew how you thoroughly RUINED my life? I can promise you, it wouldn't be as 'rosy' as it is right now. Not that they'll ever find out - never from my mouth, at least. Those who know have been sworn to secrecy, and they'll take it to their graves.

What kinda devils turned you into who you are today? No one who feared Allah could have pulled the stunt you pulled - you do realize that, don't you? I mustered up everything I had left in me after you left me empty, and miraculously..forgave you...only I wish I had also forgotten you. 'Til when will you leech on my heart, and make it bleed? I don't think anything remains - you may leave. When you do, take with you all the memories along with you...erase history. It's been years now - do you think I can survive this any longer? It's bad enough, living every second of my life wondering, 'what if'...you should know that, right?

I didn't take any revenge, or let anyone who found out do so for me...but you felt the pain pierce right through your heart, didn't you? I know when it all happened - the dreams were not just my mind playing games. That's YOUR job. How did it feel? Did you attempt to take your life away? Did you feel like your heart was bleeding dry? Did you walk around aimlessly, and try to figure out why you were the subject of such intense pain? Did you cry 'til you nearly suffocated, because you couldn't breathe anymore? Did you resort to self-mutilation involuntarily? If you did any of the mentioned - GOOD...because you know what? I went through each and every one, and YOU were the cause.

After all that's been said and done, I STILL won't say I hate you - hate is a strong word. I'll just keep punishing myself 'til the day I breathe my last, for not being good enough. Maybe then, you might learn to appreciate me..just a lil bit.

Dear Readers,
don't judge a book by it's cover - it might look tattered and torn on the outside, but every word you read in it might be worth engraving in white gold. I do not say I'm perfect, I do not say I'm an angel who's never made mistakes *Est'3firullah* - I've made many, some more grave than the rest..but I know one thing FOR SURE...I've NEVER hurt anyone intentionally 'til today...and Allah is my Witness - If there's anyone I've hurt out there..then it's probably just been myself.

Wes Salam 3lykm w Ra7matullahi t3ala w barakateh