Here's the catch. You live with a dysfunctional family. You can't trust anyone, because they keep backstabbing each other. Yes. It's sad. Your family is the only thing you had, and now..you don't have that. You don't leave the house at all. Sometimes, for months. People talk about the weather; yours is the same. Everyday. Dry and cold.
You are told, 'make do with what you have in life. Be grateful.' You try. You fail. You try again. You try to interact with people. Soon after, you realize..as do they..you're a lifeless loser. They'll never admit it. Yes, they'll tolerate you..but for how long..? It's not long before they'll realize you're worthless.
You then vent. A lot like this one right here. People read it and wonder why anyone would even put something like this up..'A cry for attention.' No. They don't understand, and they never will. They don't know what it feels like to be a stranger in your own home. They don't know what's it's like to be confined within 4 walls. Bombed down with criticism relentlessly. Told you're good-for-nothing. They have no idea what feeling empty really feels like.
They don't know how it feels when your own family huddles up in a room, and laughs at your state. Mocks you behind your back, then comes to you and mocks you in your face. They don't know, and they never will know what it feels like.
You don't feel like doing anything in life; nothing at all..you're a mess. What's the use of cleaning around you, when you're a mess? People say, 'don't whine; be happy'. They don't know.
They don't know you've tried to swallow denial, only having to choke on it, and regurgitate reality.
No. You're in this alone, and they'll never know.
2 comments:
That's pretty sad, Maybe I don't know but honestly I understand your feelings or how it may feel.
what you described is my routine life as well, since I was child till this day I am almost like this, but the difference is that in the old I was like you feeling depressed, sad...etc however then I found a friend at home that can't back stab even if he wanted, Books :D
That was the reason I wrote this quote: "A major step in acquiring happiness is running away from useless beings staying at home closing the door, reading a book..."
maybe before I wished to have different life than yours, but now thanks god I will keep asking to live that life :)
مصائب قوم عند قوم فوائد
^_^
This was who I was a couple of years back, except that I still don't have proper friends because I feel like no-one can truly understand me [not because I feel like they'd eventually betray me] and I have a better relationship with my family now.
I have a point, promise. But first, I truly am sorry for how your family's been treating you. I won't beat around the bush with what I have to say, and it may or may not benefit you in any way, but that's fine, as long as you no longer feel as alone as you initially did when you wrote this.
The problem is not so much what's happening to you, it's how you're handling it. I know what's happening to you is persistent, and as a result, you are more fragile, easily influenced, easily controlled, and weak. You have to change the way you perceive your life and remember that one day, this will all go away.
Take your problems by the horns and solve them, one at a time. If you love your family but can't tolerate their behavior, start working (I know you're a great teacher!), save up and move into your own place, or advertise to have a female roommate if you can't afford living alone just yet.
You may distract yourself by putting it all in the back of your head, accepting it all and giving up, or engage in activities that make you happy, but your problems won't go away unless you face them and get them the fuck away from you.
I had 'friends' who didn't support me, did unacceptable things behind my back, didn't bother to keep in touch, so I just broke everything off with them. My mom prefers my sister over me and it hurt a lot, but I talked to her about it and things are much better, and I've accepted it and moved on.
I'm not saying you're not trying hard enough because I know your problems can't easily be solved, but maybe you need to look at things differently and start putting yourself first. You're smart enough to come up with solutions to everything, you just need to make more of an effort, face your fears [seriously], and stand up for yourself.
I won't tell you you deserve better, because only you can determine what you deserve and what you don't, and you actions will reflect that.
You will get through this. <3
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