This post's dedicated to those who made me smile and grin when I least wanted to; those who stood by me when I knew not where to go, & those who made me see 'the greener side', when I was surrounded by darkness. My Lovebugs.
I left you all, not because I couldn't give a damn about how you felt after I walked away, but because I gave a damn about how I was ruining your timelines. My unhappiness was clearly reflected through the words I used, & instead of brightening up your timelines like you did mine, I was doing the very opposite.
This is my decision; once upon a time, I hated Twitter, yet you made me love it..to the point where I was addicted to it. I tried breaks, which only failed. I tried leaving, which failed too. This time, I plan to make it work. I plan to make it work, because I know returning would be a fail.
I know some of you hate me for it, I know some of you couldn't care less; soon, you'll all be indifferent to my decision, and it'll be forgotten. I'm no deranged, attention-seeking drama queen, and it sucks to be thought of as one. I've always been a loner, and company's something I have never been able to handle. Isolation has always been my refuge.
I don't mind criticism, but I can't stand mockery, and I saw too much hurtful sarcasm being flung around. People say one shouldn't have to explain themselves, yet I'm an open book. For letting you down, I apologize..but I'm just being me. This is who I am; I shun people. I shun them, because they give you happiness & love, then snatch it back when you least expect it. And being a person, I know I probably do that, too. So, I shun people.
It's not a definite solution, and it definitely has its repercussions, but it has worked for now. As my Lovebugs, I only hope you'll understand where I'm coming at. I know you won't mock me, at least. If you want to contact me, there are many alternatives; Twitter was just one of them.
I love you all as my very own, which is probably why I never said 'goodbye'. And I'm not saying it now either, because the mere thought of it has my eyes welled up with tears. As dramatic as it may sound, I have faith our lives will cross paths again, and hopefully this time, I won't run away as an escape.
Rabbi ywaffgkm w ys3dkm dnya w a5irah..<3
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Paranoia Kills
Salam 3lykm,
Yay, another post within days; my Blogger has miraculously come back to life!=D No, seriously..I just wanted to update my stalkers on my whereabouts. No, okay..all jokes aside, I just missed blogging.
I'm not writing any poems yet, nor am I writing deep, thought-provokingly poetic posts. I'm just nurturing this blog in hope that my thoughts will sort themselves out, before they're blog-bait. In other words, I'm resorting to blogging as therapy again.
Talking to people helps temporarily; you never know when they could use your thoughts against you. Through blogging, I suppose all these posts could be used against me, but at least I don't have to know what you think when you read my posts. Not commenting is working for me; keep it up. Honestly. I'm better off not knowing what you think of me.
This is my domain; I get to choose whether I want to be happy or sad, sane or deranged. Whatever I choose helps throw pent-up feelings out, where they can't cause my insides any damage. Right now, that's what I'm working on..'spring-cleaning my insides'.
If people really care, they do so without mocking you in your absence. They understand your stance, having been told how you feel. If they don't, then putting yourself out there as a mere source of their entertainment is just ridiculous.
Anyway, this part of the world is unbearably hot, so I'm thinking of taking a trip to where it's cold. The change would be good, and going off the grid for a while would be nice. Come to think of it, there's only one main source to all my problems:
The Internet.
Yay, another post within days; my Blogger has miraculously come back to life!=D No, seriously..I just wanted to update my stalkers on my whereabouts. No, okay..all jokes aside, I just missed blogging.
I'm not writing any poems yet, nor am I writing deep, thought-provokingly poetic posts. I'm just nurturing this blog in hope that my thoughts will sort themselves out, before they're blog-bait. In other words, I'm resorting to blogging as therapy again.
Talking to people helps temporarily; you never know when they could use your thoughts against you. Through blogging, I suppose all these posts could be used against me, but at least I don't have to know what you think when you read my posts. Not commenting is working for me; keep it up. Honestly. I'm better off not knowing what you think of me.
This is my domain; I get to choose whether I want to be happy or sad, sane or deranged. Whatever I choose helps throw pent-up feelings out, where they can't cause my insides any damage. Right now, that's what I'm working on..'spring-cleaning my insides'.
If people really care, they do so without mocking you in your absence. They understand your stance, having been told how you feel. If they don't, then putting yourself out there as a mere source of their entertainment is just ridiculous.
Anyway, this part of the world is unbearably hot, so I'm thinking of taking a trip to where it's cold. The change would be good, and going off the grid for a while would be nice. Come to think of it, there's only one main source to all my problems:
The Internet.
If I were to shut down all accounts, nearly all my problems would go away. I'm currently testing this notion; I'm now saying no to social networking. Let's see how far that goes. Right, enough rambling for now,
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Monday, July 11, 2011
Realization Strikes
Salam 3lykm,
Sh7alkm, Readers? I've been 'speechless' for a while. I shouldn't have been; my bouts of madness should be chronicled, so I can read them later on and realize every bad phase comes to an end. I should have taken it out here, instead of Twitter, but apparently..Twitter did comatose the Blogger in me.
Throughout my entire life, I've always handed over a knife to people in need of self-defense; however, I've not even stepped away from them, and it's embedded snugly in my back. My strategy has always been disconnection. I pull away, tend to my wounds in solitude, & come back out again. As a result, my back's now a sieve.
I'm not a people person, I've never been a people person, & I doubt I'll ever be a people person. I was happy in my own little bubble, yet people weren't. They wanted me to mix with people of my own age; they found my isolation disturbing. I was happy. I was made to believe it would do me damage, but the point is I was happy.
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Sh7alkm, Readers? I've been 'speechless' for a while. I shouldn't have been; my bouts of madness should be chronicled, so I can read them later on and realize every bad phase comes to an end. I should have taken it out here, instead of Twitter, but apparently..Twitter did comatose the Blogger in me.
Throughout my entire life, I've always handed over a knife to people in need of self-defense; however, I've not even stepped away from them, and it's embedded snugly in my back. My strategy has always been disconnection. I pull away, tend to my wounds in solitude, & come back out again. As a result, my back's now a sieve.
I'm not a people person, I've never been a people person, & I doubt I'll ever be a people person. I was happy in my own little bubble, yet people weren't. They wanted me to mix with people of my own age; they found my isolation disturbing. I was happy. I was made to believe it would do me damage, but the point is I was happy.
I was happy, but failed to realize it.
Don't follow in my footsteps; they lead to dead-ends.
Here's to a fresh new start. Yet again.
Don't follow in my footsteps; they lead to dead-ends.
Here's to a fresh new start. Yet again.
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A Tragedy
Salam 3lykm,
Sh7alkm, Dearest Readers? Yes, I know..negligence has plagued this blog. You might be happy to learn I'll need its support to get through the rough patch Life's pulling me through right now. So, I'll get my fingers working over these dusty keys once again.
I do know everything happens for a reason, and whatever happens is for the best, but there are some shocks in life that take a while to finally accept as 'beneficial'. As for me, it takes a while for tragedies to overcome their numbing effect, and when they do, they sink in deep...causing irreversible damage.
May Allah free all Muslims of hardships that currently pose as obstacles in their walkway of life; Ameen. I leave you with my latest, 'A Tragedy'.
Overtaken by this confusion
Thoughts I don't understand
Everything good is just an illusion
That disappears as I bring forth my hand
I dare not whisper a word
For fear that my soul may hear
You might find it absurd
But deprivation I can no longer bear
Acidic tears sting disbelieving eyes
A dull ache paralyzing my heart
My mind, numbed by the shocking surprise
Killing all hopes of a promising fresh start
Thoughts? Comments? Criticism? Leave me a comment, so I know you've been here. =)
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Sh7alkm, Dearest Readers? Yes, I know..negligence has plagued this blog. You might be happy to learn I'll need its support to get through the rough patch Life's pulling me through right now. So, I'll get my fingers working over these dusty keys once again.
I do know everything happens for a reason, and whatever happens is for the best, but there are some shocks in life that take a while to finally accept as 'beneficial'. As for me, it takes a while for tragedies to overcome their numbing effect, and when they do, they sink in deep...causing irreversible damage.
May Allah free all Muslims of hardships that currently pose as obstacles in their walkway of life; Ameen. I leave you with my latest, 'A Tragedy'.
Overtaken by this confusion
Thoughts I don't understand
Everything good is just an illusion
That disappears as I bring forth my hand
I dare not whisper a word
For fear that my soul may hear
You might find it absurd
But deprivation I can no longer bear
Acidic tears sting disbelieving eyes
A dull ache paralyzing my heart
My mind, numbed by the shocking surprise
Killing all hopes of a promising fresh start
Thoughts? Comments? Criticism? Leave me a comment, so I know you've been here. =)
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Murderous Love
Salam 3lykm
Reminiscent? Yes..pretty much so. Dark, as usual..my poetry has rarely seen 'light'. I leave you with my latest, "Murderous Love". Cliche, I know..for the lack of an imagination kicked into overdrive. Forgive me this time.
I merely looked at you in admiration
Never expecting you to scar my heart
You were my 'heaven-sent inspiration'
The sweet promise of a fresh start
I hadn't expected acidic retorts
I hadn't foreseen plunging into an abyss
My positive mentality you did distort
Belief in myself I chose to desist
Your hidden resentment was my demise
Bludgeoned in my heart was your name
Stifled were my wretched cries
My attempt to love you left me maimed
Comments? Criticism? You know the drill.
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Reminiscent? Yes..pretty much so. Dark, as usual..my poetry has rarely seen 'light'. I leave you with my latest, "Murderous Love". Cliche, I know..for the lack of an imagination kicked into overdrive. Forgive me this time.
I merely looked at you in admiration
Never expecting you to scar my heart
You were my 'heaven-sent inspiration'
The sweet promise of a fresh start
I hadn't expected acidic retorts
I hadn't foreseen plunging into an abyss
My positive mentality you did distort
Belief in myself I chose to desist
Your hidden resentment was my demise
Bludgeoned in my heart was your name
Stifled were my wretched cries
My attempt to love you left me maimed
Comments? Criticism? You know the drill.
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Monday, March 7, 2011
Anger's Fatality
Salam 3lykm,
The obnoxious delays in posts stem from the fact that I've become a tweetaholic; I need to start a 'Tweetaholics Anonymous" circle..although I doubt anyone else is as addicted as I am!x_x However, I thought it would make up for blogging, and I thought absolutely wrong. I reached a very unstable, frenzied state of mind last night, and decided I'd have to put tweeting on a hold. It was leeching on the Blogger in me. Anyway, I leave you with my latest poem, 'Anger's Fatality'.
My nerves lie frayed, mind disturbed
Your silence sounding shrill alarms
Heart confused; is this what I deserve?
Or does your inner sadist derive pleasure as you cause me harm?
Your loathsome words of hatred burn
Eyes like burning coals, menacingly aglow
Spitting venom that makes my insides churn
The beginning of your demise, albeit slow
Fangs sunken in deep, into your writhing flesh
Bloodstream defiled by the fatal infliction
Hatred's paralysis of the heart yet fresh
Followed by the vile serpent's constriction
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
The obnoxious delays in posts stem from the fact that I've become a tweetaholic; I need to start a 'Tweetaholics Anonymous" circle..although I doubt anyone else is as addicted as I am!x_x However, I thought it would make up for blogging, and I thought absolutely wrong. I reached a very unstable, frenzied state of mind last night, and decided I'd have to put tweeting on a hold. It was leeching on the Blogger in me. Anyway, I leave you with my latest poem, 'Anger's Fatality'.
My nerves lie frayed, mind disturbed
Your silence sounding shrill alarms
Heart confused; is this what I deserve?
Or does your inner sadist derive pleasure as you cause me harm?
Your loathsome words of hatred burn
Eyes like burning coals, menacingly aglow
Spitting venom that makes my insides churn
The beginning of your demise, albeit slow
Fangs sunken in deep, into your writhing flesh
Bloodstream defiled by the fatal infliction
Hatred's paralysis of the heart yet fresh
Followed by the vile serpent's constriction
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Thursday, February 3, 2011
An Eternal War
Salam 3lykm,
Long time, Dearest Readers..I have missed blogging. You can primarily blame Twitter, as it is serves as an easier way to vent out my anger. Seriously. Sh7alkm? Where have I been? Let's see..I'm currently in Rya'9, and will be back home in Bu '6abi tomorrow, Bi 2ithnillaah. 'Nuff said. Here's a poem I wrote in the end of January, whilst in Madinat Al-Munawwarah..I obviously can't remember the date ._. I leave you with, 'An Eternal War'.
My words may be drowned by silence
My sight blinded to hide the pain
Yet, ceases not the internal violence
Both opponents endangered - nearly slain
If I manage to maintain my composure
That's denial in its best form
My 'beast' desists from attaining exposure
Leading to an internal storm
Imprisoned and tormented; closer to the end with every beat
Opponent #1 strikes back impulsively
Sheltered by a cave; never ready to face defeat
Opponent #2's moves planned strategically
They fight my soul to its timely death
Every blow weakening its strong-hold
Ceasing their battle at my last breath
The war story of Heart VS Mind remains...
Untold.
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Long time, Dearest Readers..I have missed blogging. You can primarily blame Twitter, as it is serves as an easier way to vent out my anger. Seriously. Sh7alkm? Where have I been? Let's see..I'm currently in Rya'9, and will be back home in Bu '6abi tomorrow, Bi 2ithnillaah. 'Nuff said. Here's a poem I wrote in the end of January, whilst in Madinat Al-Munawwarah..I obviously can't remember the date ._. I leave you with, 'An Eternal War'.
My words may be drowned by silence
My sight blinded to hide the pain
Yet, ceases not the internal violence
Both opponents endangered - nearly slain
If I manage to maintain my composure
That's denial in its best form
My 'beast' desists from attaining exposure
Leading to an internal storm
Imprisoned and tormented; closer to the end with every beat
Opponent #1 strikes back impulsively
Sheltered by a cave; never ready to face defeat
Opponent #2's moves planned strategically
They fight my soul to its timely death
Every blow weakening its strong-hold
Ceasing their battle at my last breath
The war story of Heart VS Mind remains...
Untold.
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Leave Me Be
Salam 3lykm,
I found this in my drafts, written on the 5th of January, 2011. Thought I might as well blog it, because it describes my current thoughts perfectly. I don't know why I didn't blog it then, probably because our router went out at night as usual? I don't know, but anyway..here you go..more silent reading for you guys.:P
I found this in my drafts, written on the 5th of January, 2011. Thought I might as well blog it, because it describes my current thoughts perfectly. I don't know why I didn't blog it then, probably because our router went out at night as usual? I don't know, but anyway..here you go..more silent reading for you guys.:P
I'm beginning to fade away into a great space of nothingness, mesmerized by the sounds of happiness around me. Entranced. I don't want to join in, for fear I will be sucked into Oblivion that devours me. Happiness blinds, and so does Love. Yet, both are like addictive drugs that eat away at your very soul.
I don't want to be led, neither do I want to be followed. I don't want to know anyone, neither do I want to be known anymore. I just want to be let go. I want peace. I don't want to live in constant fear of my future. I don't want to make anymore friends or enemies. I don't want to inflict or be inflicted by blinding pain.
I don't want to be led, neither do I want to be followed. I don't want to know anyone, neither do I want to be known anymore. I just want to be let go. I want peace. I don't want to live in constant fear of my future. I don't want to make anymore friends or enemies. I don't want to inflict or be inflicted by blinding pain.
PS. Now I realize why I didn't blog it; it has this 'unfinished' touch to it. Well, that's how my life currently is, innit? Unfinished.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
A Lifetime Mission
Salam 3lykm
A poem I wrote...describing what I would want my lifetime mission to be, in a nutshell. تقبل الله منا و منكم صالح الأعمال
I'll retrace deeply carved wounds
Piercing carefully through the scabs
Heart staining my fingers with blood
I'll retrieve the bitter memories I have
I'll do it all to see you smile again
I'll do it all so you don't cry alone
I'll do it all so I can share your pain
Don't pretend to have a heart of stone
Your silent tears I've not yet seen
Their escape betrayed by your words
Your happiness now lies demeaned
Lovers' delirium, you deem absurd
I'll penetrate deeper into my soul
Sharing dark secrets of past shame
I'll do it all with ONE irresistible goal
Inscribing on your bleeding heart..
Allah's Name.
A poem I wrote...describing what I would want my lifetime mission to be, in a nutshell. تقبل الله منا و منكم صالح الأعمال
I'll retrace deeply carved wounds
Piercing carefully through the scabs
Heart staining my fingers with blood
I'll retrieve the bitter memories I have
I'll do it all to see you smile again
I'll do it all so you don't cry alone
I'll do it all so I can share your pain
Don't pretend to have a heart of stone
Your silent tears I've not yet seen
Their escape betrayed by your words
Your happiness now lies demeaned
Lovers' delirium, you deem absurd
I'll penetrate deeper into my soul
Sharing dark secrets of past shame
I'll do it all with ONE irresistible goal
Inscribing on your bleeding heart..
Allah's Name.
Remember: Allah tests us with Blessings, and Blesses us with Tests.
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Inflicted
Salam 3lykm
Sh7alkm? I know I said I'll stop asking this question, but that was before I knew I had so many wonderful yet silent readers. This is a thought that just came to mind as I was finishing up a poem I started last night:
"I am but an open book that people roughly flip through, not caring whether they rip or smudge a page as they do so."
Sh7alkm? I know I said I'll stop asking this question, but that was before I knew I had so many wonderful yet silent readers. This is a thought that just came to mind as I was finishing up a poem I started last night:
"I am but an open book that people roughly flip through, not caring whether they rip or smudge a page as they do so."
This poem reduced my mother to tears...needless to say, it was smudged beyond recognition as I wrote it last night. I had to struggle to understand what I had written, so I could complete it today. Yes, I am unbelievably sensitive, so never believe when I tell you..I don't give a damn about what people say. Because the truth is..I do. I leave you with my latest, 'Inflicted'.
Your mockery; like a burning coal
I'm trying to ignore what you say
Charred flesh; down to my soul
I promise I'll walk away someday
You don't know I've been affected
I hardly think you would even care
Resentment, your words reflected
I wanted to dissipate into thin air
Acidic retorts yet burn my soul
I know not what I said or did wrong
My happiness you heartlessly stole
Made me feel like I never belonged
I thought you were different
I thought you would reciprocate
Seems like humanity now lies stagnant
Iron-fisted to give; Needily greedy to take
Your mockery; like a burning coal
I'm trying to ignore what you say
Charred flesh; down to my soul
I promise I'll walk away someday
You don't know I've been affected
I hardly think you would even care
Resentment, your words reflected
I wanted to dissipate into thin air
Acidic retorts yet burn my soul
I know not what I said or did wrong
My happiness you heartlessly stole
Made me feel like I never belonged
I thought you were different
I thought you would reciprocate
Seems like humanity now lies stagnant
Iron-fisted to give; Needily greedy to take
I dedicate this to all those who have successfully hurt me with their mockery, and who will continue to do so, especially after coming across this post. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing me I'm still human, and susceptible to your sweet venom.
Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh
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