Goodbye Trust

Salam 3lykm

Who's the sweet reader who liked the last post? You put a smile on my face, lol! Thanx walla, shows I still have the ability to write 'okayishly'. This post will probably HORRIBLY prove me wrong, bs yalla..it's the thought that counts!xP Love you, 'Liker'!<3;d

OK, that was just random..I'm really HIGH right now! I anticipate a depression-FREE weekend, and I'm going to make sure it ROCKS Inshalla! I owe it to myself, and the poor people that have to tolerate my nonsense!

I'm abandoning technology. Sure, I abuse it, but in return, it totally screws me over. If anything, as long as I didn't know what the Internet was..I was a happy-go-lucky kid, wreaking of naivety and innocence. Now, I've become this paranoid, edgy individual who analyzes every word that comes out of others' mouths. 7sn e'6ann came easy, almost naturally..before. Now..I gotta remind myself..إن بعض الظن إثم..nearly all the time. If anyone says something nice or praises me, I think, what's your 'hidden agenda'? Seriously. Not good.

I can't imagine anyone liking me for ME. What's there in me to like, anyway?=S I've always had this, 'I-don't want-to-impose-myself-on-you' sort'a attitude. So, if someone comes up to me, I always think, as long as you want something done, you remember I'm alive. It's bad, I know..bs that's how it's always been. The only time someone would remember I exist, is when they'd want something from me. Otherwise, ehh..who's [insert Um 3eesa's name]?

So, forgive me *I really, truly, profusely apologize from the very depths of my scarred heart!* if you've genuinely tried to be nice to me and I've seemed like a total weirdo, but thanks to all the cheaters/backstabbers and betrayals I've faced, I've decided to 'step up the security'. Yep. I'm trusting NOBODY now. Literally nobody. People I considered really close to me, ALSO betrayed me. And now...goodbye Trust. I can't even trust anyone if they're religious now, because that image has been tainted by a scarring experience.

Note: My inability to trust anyone cuz of these lovely people who've left painful memories in my life does NOT mean that I hold a grudge against them. Thanks to them, I have learned things I wouldn't have EVER learned without their help. They literally helped me face different 'challenges' in life..so no regrets, Al7mdlla.

I just cannot trust ANYBODY blindly anymore.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Finished.

Salam 3lykm

An update; only because I'm extremely bored right now!:P Life's good after 7AM, it peaks at 1130AM, coming back down sharply at 315PM. Then it goes downhill from there, sometimes a VERY sharp decline, peaking at whatever time WIFI goes out :P, then climbs back up slowly again, depending on what happens much later at night. *No wandering thoughts, Readers!xD*

I'm teaching now..and it's wonderful. =) That's the highlight of my life at this point, no knight in shining armor.:P Trip to Pakistan was canceled, and was supposed to go to G6r instead, but since the only 'freedom' we get is when Dad goes on his weekend trips, I backed out.xD I doubt we're moving out of here, because for that...you need to work together as a family...and that's..just not happening..completely dysfunctional..Allah al Musta3aan.

That's about it. Writing is now depressive, because when I write..that's all I can write about. Or Bu 3eesa. But that's even more depressive. For all I know, I could be dying single. So, I'm going to go and do something that really brings a smile to my face: coloring. No, I'm not confused about my age. It really is very relaxing; I love coloring roses. Obsessed about roses, and no..not because they signify love. =.=

I hate stereotyping and generalization. But wait, life's too short to hate, innit? So let me just obsess over roses for now. Yeah, I like 'em crimson, too. If 'love' wandered back into your mind, you need help. Seriously. And I thought I was blinded.

Okay, I'm done here. Oh, muchas gracias to the people who actually bother using the 'Reactions' feature; you guys rock!;* The rest of you..you need to a learn a thing or two from these guys..honestly..how lazy can y'all get?=.= ;P

Nah, joking. Love ya all. Even if you continue to read silently. And get on my nerves because of that. It clearly looks like I've lost my 'touch', innit? Such a bland post, ugh.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

PS. My mood's too messed up to color. Ed3ooli please.

'Played Out'

Salam 3lykm

Been through some rough days, as you can probably tell from my previous post, but after a long, tear-wrenching talk with my bro, *Fdaiteh walla..Rabbi y7f'6h..the glue of the family, and who primarily helps in keeping us all sane!* he made me realize that I can control my own happiness, by controlling my mind..and the crazy thoughts that usually rule it. So, maybe that will help for the time-being. Anyway, after all that drama at home ceased for a bit, I got thinking...

If you've ever broken someone's heart, realize that someday..someone will eventually break yours. What goes around, certainly DOES come around. If it was in the past, and you've gotten your act all 'cleaned' up, it's no excuse to not sincerely apologize for the heartache you caused someone else. I'm not saying, go hook up and act like a punk all over again; what I'm saying is..showing the person you're genuinely sorry for the pain they endured could allow them to live their life again.

You might think I'm BSing right now; people eventually move on in life, right? Why would anyone lose precious time moping around over someone who broke their heart? If you've ever been heartbroken, you'd know that 'til your doubts are cleared, you keep wondering 'what if'. Especially..at times when you feel low. I guess it's a way for Shay6an to break you even further, provided you've repented sincerely for all you've done; all these random thoughts of how people hurt you in different ways tend to come up, sometimes..leaving you feeling absolutely worthless.

OR..scenario #2 is that person goes on their own 'heartbreaking spree' intentionally or unintentionally, just to get the pain out of their system. I don't know HOW that works, but I KNOW for a fact that it's unfortunately true..and that 'What goes around comes around' isn't just a pretty little line that people use to sound all philosophical. It's the bitter truth.

I know it because..well, I've been there. I know what it's like to allow thoughts of different ways to commit suicide to empower your mind for a while. Al7mdlla, I'm still alive. When the ride gets tough, a very special person keeps telling me, "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger"...and I used to think it was BS before, but now I know it's as close to the truth as one can possibly get.

I also know what it's like to be a heartbreaker; you revel in your 'moment of glory' for a short period, then it all goes downhill from there. Not only that, but it's like a chain reaction..an ugly one. Don't be the one to continue it, let alone set it off.

Don't be the reason for a person to endure pain; you're a MUSLIM..and Muslims can't be 'Playaz'. It's not 'cool', dear brothers and sisters..to toy around with the emotions of someone else, just so you can satisfy your desires. Don't carry the burden of being the reason for someone to contemplate 7aram, because if someone ends their life in despair over you, it's nothing to be proud about. You know you'll face punishment either in this world, the Hereafter, or maybe even both.

Don't be brainwashed by the whole 'playa' image; I'm sure you wouldn't like it if someone played your family member(s) around, and messed them up. Remember, treat others the way you'd want to be treated. Saying you're a Muslim, then acting contrary to the teachings of Islam makes you a HYPOCRITE. You know what the Qur'an says abt em, right?

إِنَّ ٱلۡمُنَـٰفِقِينَ فِى ٱلدَّرۡكِ ٱلۡأَسۡفَلِ مِنَ ٱلنَّارِ وَلَن تَجِدَ لَهُمۡ نَصِيرًا

Verily, the hypocrites will be in the lowest depths of the Fire: no helper will you find for them.

I'm sure you wouldn't want to be there.

It is up to us to protect our family members from heart-breakers. If you truly are proud to be a Muslim, don't hurt your brother or sister in Islam at the expense of fulfilling your desires. That's selfish, disgusting, and it certainly doesn't depict the true picture of Islam.

It is up to the Muslim youth to paint the TRUE picture of Islam; we need to destroy the fear-instilling image of 'terrorists' that the media has successfully fed to people's minds. If we're going to go around representin' 'Playaz', we're not going to get ANYWHERE. Now, are you in for some GOOD change, or would you rather play manipulating mind games with someone, just to get some 'action'?

Feel free to spread this post..I'm not too sure if it'll be of any use spreadin' the rest! Might end up making someone suicidal if you share the previous ones!x'D

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

F***ing Tired

What the hell am I expected to do? I've tried..Wallah el3'6eem I've tried to turn all happy-go-f***ing-lucky, but there's a limit to everything. I've tried to swallow my 'anger'; tolerate the BS that's being thrown my way every f***ing day. I've tried to be this cheerful TWIT who takes life one day at a time. I'm f***ing tired of trying.

I can't sit with my PC the way I f***ing want to. I can't keep my room the way I want to. I can't go out. I'm expected to live like a f***ing hermit, and do what he wants like a robot with no f***ing brains. I've tried to live with his ridiculous 'WIFI goes off when I sleep' rule; I've stomached his BS for too long.

The way he keeps turning down proposals for no f***ing reason..I'm never going to get out. Suicide is an option I have to rule out, because it's not permissible. I don't want to work because this is supposed to be a f***ing break for me, but no...ruin my life to the MAX, why don't you?

He wanted a GPA which was above 3.5, I gave him a 4.0 - what the hell did it give me? NOTHING. He hasn't even BOTHERED to pick up the f***ing degree, yet. What did I slave around for? NO-F***IN'-THING. I've become socially inept thanks to the whole 'no friends' deal..again, all thanks to him. I don't even have any f***ing choice, and when I'm given one, I don't know what to do because he's controlled every walk of our lives.

I can't sleep 'til after Fajr; at least I pray my Fajr on time..but does he see that? NO. He sees that I wake up at 1PM which nearly every freakin' teenager does in this world, but he doesn't see that, oh no. He doesn't see that girls my age pack into SUVs and head to the malls for hang outs, and burn holes in their Daddies wallets..no no. He sees NONE of that.

He only sees me attached to my phone/PC all day, and now he doesn't like it. So its gotta stop. F*** what he sees and what he sees. If he'd given me my life, and not placed the retarded restrictions, I would've turned out to be a NORMAL person. If he'd not mentally f***ed us all up in the head, I wouldn't have been this antisocial HERMIT I am right now.

God knows I've tried to change...but it's so f***ing hard to hold myself together when everything around me is the f***ing same. Every now and again, I get the urge to add to my failed attempts at my life. At least that keeps me busy, right? At least, I then have something else to do then stay at my phone/PC, which btw..means nothing.

I wish I could say I had a 'Net Life' at least but nope. That's how f***ing great my social life is. Socially D-E-A-D. Literally. It takes for you to be a 'bad girl' to get the attention, and I'm not going down that low lane ever again. It takes for you to trash your morale; even then, you're nothing but a loser. You pile all those sins on your head, and on youm el Qiyamah, everyone will just walk away. You face the torment ALONE.

I'm turning 22, dammit..treat me like an adult. I'm NOTHING in this house; I'm put down FLAT-OUT in front of my 6 yr old sister. I'm mocked relentlessly, and if I speak out against it, I'm silenced. If I'm such a f***ing low-life, then why am I even alive? I do realize that the world will now get to know what a low-life I am once this is up..but you know what? I'm tired of frontin'.

This is ME. Take this and blow it up, announce it to the world that I am..in reality...at the lowest of the low, and the 'happy' front is nothing but BS. I don't care anymore. My own family doesn't consider me as anything, why the hell should I expect any better from strangers?

If I sound like just another ungrateful girl out there, live one day of my life and you'll know never to judge me. Money doesn't buy you happiness. It's suffocating. Sure, I could be wearing the most expensive shit out there, but then being told that again and again just tells me I'm cheaper than what I wear. Things were made for me, not VICE VERSA.

The price of all this fancy shit is being told over and over again...how expensive it is, and how I don't deserve it. Yes. That's what money does to you. It makes you heartless. It enslaves you, and it steals away your happiness and content. I'm threatened every f***ing day; "I'll take this off you, or that off you." Go f***ing take it already; please don't mentally abuse me everyday..it's endless.

I have nothing in this world, and I have nobody. I f***ing qualify for 'The Biggest Loser in the Universe' Award people. Whoever has it, pass it up..it's MINE.

Busy Busy Busy!

Salam 3lykm

I'm back from 3mrah, w lillah el7md! It was fantabulous - details later!;P The good news is we might be moving; the bad news is..we might be traveling..YES. Again! xD I don't know how moving AND traveling work together, though. =S

Don't have much time to update this blog, really..but if you're interested in what I'm up to in life, feel free to stalk me. *look left, yes..Twitter. :P* Good news for you creepy stalkers who don't want to leave a trace, eh?;)

I promise to get down to writing something that will devour your boredom...SOON. as soon as I get the time.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

My 2nd Home: KSA

Salam 3lykm

No, I'm not getting married and moving off to KSA. :P Home is where the heart is, and so..KSA is my 2nd home.<3 Anyway, we're about to leave in a few minutes, Inshalla - going for 3mrah + 3eed!=D Will stop over f G6r for a few days, and be back f Bu '6abi by Sept 15, Inshalla.

Please remember this sister in your prayers - تقبل‏ ‏الله‏ ‏منا‏ ‏و‏ ‏منكم‏‏ ‏صيامنا‏ ‏و‏ ‏قيامنا‏ ‏و‏ ‏صالح‏ ‏الأعمال؛‏ ‏اللهم‏ ‏آمين‏!‏

Oh, and Mbarkn 3eedkm f advance..kl 3aam wntow b5ayr!=D

Please forgive me for anything I've said or done, and pray for our safe return...minus any freaky near-accidents/accidents!

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

'Rosy' Thoughts

She plucks a rose, gently caressing it with her fingertips. As she closes her eyes, she inhales the sweet-smelling fragrance, letting her fingers linger on the thorns.

These are all the obstacles that lie between you and I.

She smiles, blissfully oblivious of the crimson droplet that glistens on her finger.

Wounds matter not, for your touch is all they need to heal.

She caresses its sepals, as the intoxicating fragrance fills her lungs.

Take me in your protective embrace and hold me close, allowing your perfume to tantalize my senses.

Her thoughts lead her far away, as the velvety petals brush softly against her cheek.

How many steps would it take to bridge the agonizing gap between us?

*Dedicated to Bu 3eesa..whoever he is, and wherever he may be. <3*

Broken Promises

Salam 3lykm

I wrote this poem today morning, while thinking about my life and my past. I don't claim I'm any angel, and may Allah Forgive me for all that I have done and said to others. Everyday I go through incidents that reinforce the fact that there is no one worthy of Worship other than Allah, and that Muhammad 9alallahu 3lyhi w Sallem is His Messenger.

Mind you, I wrote it when I woke up, so it's not that great xD very simple, yet it's exactly what was going through my mind as I sat with my Mom and Grannie...lost in thought..

Broken Promises

How many empty promises are broken each day, in the name of 'love'? How many names become history within the blink of an eye? We claim to love Allah, yet Him we do disobey, and when our so-called 'love' hurts, towards Him we look for support and cry.

Does He push us away like we did, or does He close the door to His Mercy on our faces? Despite having turned a deaf ear to what He's Commanded, His Provisions are more than enough to maintain our social status.

Do we then bow down before Him in Eternal Gratitude? Do we then pay heed to what He has said? Unfortunately...if we were judged according to our attitudes, to HELL our current lifestyles would have led.

رَبَّنَا ظَلَمۡنَآ أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمۡ تَغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَتَرۡحَمۡنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ ٱلۡخَـٰسِرِينَ

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

..Not Again?!

Salam 3lykm

Sadly, YEP..I'm OFF once again..this time..to Karachi! This time, it is solely for Mom's sake; she hasn't seen her mother for over a year now, and this was the only way to do it, unfortunately..intervene. So, the one who's deathly terrified of creepy crawlies and other flying buggers...is 'willingly' going to Pakistan, w Alllllaaaahhhhh y3eeeeen!xD

I'll be back in AD within 6 days Inshalla, and please pray everything goes well hnak. Cholera is rampant, and so is 'The Superbug', some AB-resistant disease...apparently no one in Pakistan has heard about it, yet I saw reports on BBC while in Makkah, that it's an epidemic that started there. =.= Not the ideal situation to travel in, but oh well..death is written, innit?:P

One more thing -blog-related, of course :P - 'The Makeover' is complete!xD Chayfooni fa'9ya?!=.= I don't have time to sit and make this blog look any prettier than it already is. xD It's too girlie for my taste, but I thought it would be a nice change from the 'emo' look - whadya say?:P

As you can probably see..for those 'observant' readers out there :P..I removed the chat box, since there's obviously no need for it. Most of y'all are firm believers of silent reading, and rarely does someone leave a message there, so I thought it would reduce the 'clutter'...got rid of it!:P So, if anyone wants to leave a message, get those fingers a-workin' and use the 'comments' from time to time..and I'd bet you $1,000,000 that wouldn't ever happen, if:

a) Betting wasn't 7aram!
b) I had that kinda money lyin' around :P

You would have noticed I'm blogging a lot more now; what else do I have to do in life?xD I'm through with studies!(H) I will start teaching though, once the academic year begins Inshalla.. ^_^ may Allah accept my petty efforts in spreading His Word; Ameen.

I will try to finish off the notes for the 'Ailments of the Heart' lecture series during my trip, Inshalla..so that I have something ready - for those of you who are following up with it - when I get back. Inshalla, I also plan to translate the episodes of كيف تتلذذ بالصلاه؟ for the non-Arab readers...so, there's a lot to expect in the coming days/months. ;D

Yalla ya jama3tl 5ayr, please remember me in your prayers, and forgive all that I've said or done..intentionally or unintentionally. In my sight, I don't see anyone as an enemy Al7mdulillah, but that doesn't mean you try to provoke me...Um 3eesa's wrath is worse than a shower of molten steel. =.= xD

OK, I'd better get back to packing, or else I'll be a zombie when it's time to leave tomorrow!;P

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Undergoing 'The Makeover'

Salam 3lykm

The poll showed a good six people voted for the makeover, so I've already begun the process..but there's still a long way to go! So, please excuse the funny font sizes, the unsymmetrical sidebars *yes, they are getting on my nerves!!*..and all other irregularities. Consider my blog as a construction site for now, if you will.:P

The blogger, AKA ME :P is also undergoing a life makeover right now, so please bear with all future delays - Jzakm Allah 5ayr!

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

PS. I would greatly appreciate comments/criticism; I already have one 'SUCKS'..damn, I'm dealin' with some judgmental readers around here, eh?xD You can post anonymously, guys..so please take advantage of that fact!:P Otherwise, I'm just going to 'pretty' it up, and you're going to have to deal with it. :P