Update Overdue?

Salam 3lykm,

It's been ages, eh? I've not been up to much, really..just incredible madness. Everything is just a blur, to be quite honest. I've stayed away from writing, because I've been swept over by tsunami-like waves of emotions over the past few weeks..all my writing would have been depressing. And I do enough complaining and whining in real life, to put it out on my blog, too ._."

I miss tweeting. It was the only place where I could confidently say, "I made it on my own." Otherwise, in real life..I'm where I am because I'm the daughter of so and so, or the sister of so and so, or now..the daughter-in-law/wife of so and so. But on Twitter, it was just me: um3awas. I wasn't living in anyone's shadow, like I do in reality.

I won't deny it; certain tweets did depress me, and I couldn't tolerate the sarcasm and mockery being thrown about. So, I'm oversensitive; sue me. But overall, I loved being able to regurgitate life within 140 characters. I loved the rare, positive snippets that brightened up my timeline..but it's the absolutely unexpected, tearful smiles that I was blessed with..which made Twitter priceless.

Most of all, I miss my 'Lovebugs'. Although most the names have disappeared from my goldfish memory, I remember various discussions I had via tweets or direct messages. I remember a lot of the shout-outs and 'FFs'. I remember the inspirational quotes which still help me make it through life's crazy downs. Ahh, I miss seeing UberSocial's notifications on my screen.:')

It's a ginormous sacrifice..and life's circumstances don't make it any easier, unfortunately. Resisting the temptation of signing up again is getting increasingly difficult, really..sometimes I think I might have to shut down my gmail account, to prevent signing up. But then, I'd lose my blogging privileges. Not to mention, my Youtube account.

Bleh. Pray for me y'all..I need your prayers more than ever now. Life uncertainties can be really draining, unfortunately. I know life was never meant to be a bed of roses; I know it's merely a ginormous test that we'll all either pass or fail..but I'm losing all motivation to go on...totally exhausted. I'm not suicidal or anything, mind you. I've not even lost hope..I'm just..err..what's the word I'm looking for..?

'Stagnant'.

And for all those who can't help but wonder..yes, wedding preparations are in full-swing, but no..the date's not yet decided. And no, I haven't the slightest idea when I'ma pull out of 'bridal' mode, and finally settle into 'live-in wifey'.

Keep smilin'.

Tamed

Salam 3lykm,

Here's something I wrote after Fajr; ironically, I was thinking I'd take a break from writing for a while. Oh well..I leave you with, 'Tamed'.

Every tear that meets its untimely demise on my lips, burns with the agony of being kept away from you. Every heartbeat is a reflection of the yearning that's thawed a heart once steel-cold. Fingertips gently trace the path once taken by your lips, reviving vivid flashbacks of passionate, timeless encounters..

Once-soulful eyes now ablaze with lust, as they take in the shapely form that lies before them. Hair tousled, limbs intertwined, short breaths quickening their pace in a symphony only lovers could comprehend..

Fulfillment. Heart, body, and soul satiated, left 'tamed' after having tread a path of tasteful wildness, contained behind cautiously closed doors. 

Perfection

Salam 3lykm,

Here's something I wrote last night.. Evidently, I need a new way to begin my posts! I think it's now become pretty apparent that I tend to write at night, when everyone's asleep. The question is, does that mean I'll be off blogging after I move in with Bu3awas? Only time will tell. I leave you with, 'Perfection'..

The thought of losing him, has tears streaming down my face before I even realize the thought's resurfaced once again. I can't bear it for a fraction of a second, let alone a second. Yes, we were total strangers, fated to sign off our lives to each other, but I suppose somewhere after the whole process..I happened to fall head-over-heels in love. 

I became who I am, for him..I would lose myself completely, and wouldn't give a damn about being found. It's true..there are no means to measure how much love your heart contains for someone but get this: my heart fails to contain it..hiding it is absolutely impossible! With all his quirky flaws, he's just..the only one for me. 

 Without them, he'd be perfect..and hell, 'perfect' would be too good to be true. Perfection is not something I'd ever want to pursue; perfection's merely an illusion, created by those looking for the ultimate escape. Why would I ever want to find an escape..from Heaven?

Despite all the regret, pain, tears, frustration, and fears..I would NEVER want, NOR love another. 

Change

Salam 3lykm,

Ugh, down with what seems like the flu. Couldn't breathe properly last night, because my nose was blocked, & I can't sleep unless the covers are pulled up over my head..so I ended up writing again. You can tell my thoughts were all scrambled up, but guess what? Not only did I manage to fall asleep til 530AM, but I also found the piece quite therapeutic. Feeling very light-headed as I type, so let's get on with it, shall we?

As I stand before the mirror, I fail to recognize the girl staring back at me. People said I would change, but I vehemently denied it. Why would I let a total stranger change me?!

My husband changed me. Everyday, I let go of yet another piece of me, in exchange for his happiness. I'm not 'selfless' at all; in fact, I do it for myself, really. His happiness brightens up my life, and sculpts my Hereafter. Totally selfish. 

It can become quite a struggle, and I'll admit..I'm scared. Hell, I'm terrified of starting a new life together. I'm known to give in to denial, turn around, and shut the world out. I'm known to resort to the solace I find in isolation. But my worst fear is giving up. 

It's beautiful now, al7mdlla..absolutely befuddled by marriage at this stage. But..isn't everyone? It's just the beginning. Will I be able to make the same claim, a few years down the line? This is what terrifies me.

..Then again, my Creator knows what is best for me, and it's comforting to realize my marriage is a big leap of faith. It leaves me knowing my Sustainer won't leave me stranded..

Arranged or not, my marriage is meant to be. 

A Fateful Beginning

Salam 3lykm,

Yes, back with another one already. My mom always tells me off, because I tend to go in extremes; either I'm going to do something, or I'm just NOT going to do it.x'$ So now, I'm back in the 'blogging' phase again. Just a little something I wrote last night, reminiscing as I waited for his royal highness' attention.x$ I leave you with, "A Fateful Beginning".

Total strangers, yet they are now 'husband & wife'. Shyness looms, yet an empowering sense of curiosity forces their gazes to meet. And lock. If only for a few seconds..

Signed off their lives to one another. Willingly. With personalities yet to discover, they are now bound to each other, in poverty and wealth, illness and health..

'Forever Yours'

Love's Spectrum

Salam 3lykm, 

What up, Readers? Long time, eh? My mind's like a prune now, all shriveled up. People keep asking when I'm going to write a book; question is, when did I ever say I'm going to author an actual book?! Writing's therapy, don't getchur grannie pants in a twist! I ain't writin' no book; life's way too short, anyway. Need the time to settle down, and slip into the roles of a wife, daughter-in-law, and - not anytime soon, but - momma, too. 

So, I wrote something late last night..my usual 'moment of inspiration'. A lot of people have read it already, & so far, I didn't receive any criticism. In fact, I was told I should add it to my blog 'ASAP'. Blackberry needs to come up with a Blogger app, already. I blame my tardiness on Blackberry, really. [A sidenote: the Bold 9900 is a brilliant phone. The touch + keyboard functionality works wonders for those who like to type a lot, like me. The white one is worth the extra price, absolutely gorgeous. Palm-sized sophistication, I tell ya. Best thing is, you don't get any fingerprints on it, unlike the black one. Exquisite piece of art. Okay, I shuts up now..but I tell ya, it's bloody brilliant!x'D]

Right, so..I leave you with my latest yet, "Love's Spectrum".

Love can leave you with an ugly scar, yet it can also heal. Love can distort reality; change the way you feel. Love can be so fierce, not even the Devil would dare to meddle, yet it can be so weak, hearts may be deemed mere pedals. 

Love will change you, for the better or worse. It will blindfold you, entice you, and deliver a low blow when you least expect it. It may pose as a heavenly escape, or a hellish lair. It may be the soft, velvety rose of crimson, sheltered protectively by sepals..or the prickly thorns, that threaten to draw blood at every step. 

Love is a bottomless pit, and only Time decides whether it will turn into the Gardens of Eden, or a fiery abyss of Hell.

Distance

Salam 3lykm

You didn't really think I'd actually stop blogging while I'm on my vacation, did you? When have I ever done that?._. I'm currently in Rya'9 for the night, and as usual..in the need of some serious therapy. Thus, I turn to my trusty blog. It's honestly been the greatest life partner; call me a whack-job, but it is really the only one after Allah of course, that has been around for the worst downfalls in life. I rephrase, the best life partner.

Yes, now that we've established how insane I really am, let me leave you with my latest, 'Distance'. I wrote this late last night, when I was annoyingly sleepless in Madinah.

Distance is that leap taken, to bridge a widening gap..yet it is also the criminal, accountable for countless severed relationships.

It is that which is known to make hearts grow fonder, yet it is greatly renowned for also making them wander.

It is that which seldom helps put an end to a domestic spat, yet it is also the culprit that many a times triggers it.

It is a good samaritan, yet alas..it is also a notorious convict on death row, with a noose tightening around its neck.

Distance and negative thoughts are successful accomplices, that eventually erode their prey's senses, then finish 'em.

Off Again!

Salam 3lykm,

Quick update: headed for a fortnight's trip to KSA; my last 3mra with my parents, Inshalla.='$ Headed to G6r after that, for my cousin's mlcha, Inshalla.=D So, I'll be MIA for a while..but feel free to browse through this blog's dusty, depressive archives.x'D After that..who knows? I could be gearing up for a whirlwind wedding myself, or running away with Bu3awas.xP It all depends on what's written.;$

Please forgive this sinning soul, in case it returns to its Creator..& pray for its forgiveness.

Ws Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Forever & For Always

Salam 3lykm,

Sb7analla, just when you think you've hit rock-bottom, Allah turns everything around once again. Truly, one needs to fall time and time again, to thoroughly enjoy the thrill of every rise. Had I known the blissful end my week held, I wouldn't have been able to believe it at all. So incredibly surreal..! I leave you with something I started at Fajr today, but only finished it a lot later in the afternoon, because of a heart-stoppin' distraction.♥

I was wrong. SO very wrong. Blissful beyond belief. That's what my world turns into, when you step into it. You're better than any mood-enhancing drug in the market. The high you bring..makes all others fade in comparison.

The Damned can't stand us; he probably screams in anguish as we gaze lovingly at each other, and smile. It probably burns him to the core, everytime we exchange sweetly-sacred vows of eternal love. Yes, that's exactly why he sends countless of his minions our way..to create rifts between us. Does he not know he will NEVER succeed, if the One who he's answerable to..does NOT WILL for it to happen?

He can slave day and night to break us apart; we'll slave day and night to make sure one of the most ABHORRED things to our Lord..NEVER happens.

رَبَّنَا ظَلَمۡنَآ أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمۡ تَغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَتَرۡحَمۡنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ ٱلۡخَـٰسِرِينَ

Leave Me Be

Salam 3lykm,

I'm in a very dark and dreary place right now, not to mention, low. Yes, and I'd advise all the Dr. Phils and Oprah Winfreys of the East to stay clear from my path..just stay the hell away for your own damn good. I know patience reaps reward, and all that good stuff..but right now, leave me be. This is my domain; you like my therapy, you're welcome to stay. You don't..what the hell are you still doing on my blog??

Recently, my solution to all those who have been getting on my nerves is, well..shove 'em outta my life. I kid you not, I'm not taking nonsense from anyone. You take me as I am, and if you don't like what you don't see, then you're not livin' reality. I'm tired of everything around me; it's just come to a point where I'm beyond fed up of everything, if that's possible.

I reiterate, if there are any Dr Phils or Oprah Winfreys of the East in the house, keep your suggestions and advice where they belong: to your damn self. Let me revel in the darkness of this abyss, please.

I gave you my everything; I opened my heart up to you, and gave you a lot more than you deserved within what seems like a blink of an eye. I just wish that's how long the pain of not being on the receiving end, lasted.

Here I find myself hoping the 'Unpredictable' would occur; my heart would stop and my lungs would collapse..ceasing my breathing. Enough with all these goddamn uncertainties; even my supposed 'near future' is just one big, fat question mark.

Get over with it. I'm pretty much one helluva nuisance, anyway. You deserve appreciation and contentment..support, too. Evidently, I've rarely offered you anything but endless headaches, nightmares, and - not to mention - confusion. Something tells me..it would have been a wiser move on your part, to call in the quits.

PS. For the information of all those sick and twisted 'well-wishers' out there: no, I'm NOT in an unhappy marriage. If I was, you think I'd broadcast it to the world, and let you diseased b*****ds rejoice with satisfaction over my misery? Haha, dream ON.