Bleeding Hate

Salam 3lykm,

I'm back with yet another post; looks like deactivating my Twitter account proved like an advantage in a lot more ways than I'd initially thought of, eh?! So anyway, I wrote something last night..it was actually a continuation of something I started..err, a month or so ago. It's based on a true incident.

Shattered glass, each shard a product of rage..tainted with blood; every crimson droplet venemous, holding a history of countless bitter years. Satisfaction dances sadistically on his lips, as she trembles with anger..resisting the urge to drive a piece into his heart. He knows he's not only successfully struck a nerve, but has also managed to tug on it sharply.

She fantasizes about feeding him the very shards of glass that glisten with her blood; would the internal bleeding suffice to drain him of life? At least, it would serve to shut him up..end the incessant ramblings of a psychotic mind. His eyes flash with malice, as he derives immense pleasure, taunting the frail shadow of what once was an exotic beauty.

Justice will be sought, & dealt accordingly. No criminal will walk away free, under the pretense of insanity. But, 'til then..the oppressed shall learn to endure oppression in silence; the kind that's enough to render one's senses useless.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Lovers' Fervor

Salam 3lykm,

When I don't write, my blog remains neglected for months, but when I do...one post after the next. Nature's way of maintaining a balance, eh?o.o Anyway, here's something I wrote last night; yes, I tend to write at night, to make up for my 'tweeting myself to sleep' habit, I suppose.x'D Anyway, I thought of calling the post 'Ecstasy, part II'..because it kinda ties in with it, but then I thought against it.

Driven by blinding passion, each longing glance stolen holds countless words drowned out by silence. The slightest caress is all it takes for a sudden surge in temperature, fueling the pulsating inferno that stirs within. Lust tempts Love, teasingly flirtatious, arousing arduous desires from a deep slumber, luring sanity into a dangerously fatal trap.

Orphaned

Salam 3lykm

It's been quite a while since I wrote something as therapy. It's been a while since I wrote anything, really. Obviously, tweets don't count..those were just, I don't know..random thoughts.

Life's suddenly become a lot more unbearable now; I can't take fights anymore. I don't know why, but it feels like I'm falling to pieces. I applaud my mother, for having withstood this bullsh*t for over 31 years, really. 23 years, & I've finally snapped.

Today is my father's birthday, & I dedicate this piece to him. We live under the same roof, yet he is gone. He is not my 'dad'; he is merely the man who shattered the fragile beauty who brought me into this world. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I leave you with, 'Orphaned':

I was once your little girl
You were once the 'bestest' dad
You once shielded me from the world
Other girls envied what I once had

Had it been deception all along?
Were my feet never on stable ground?
Was it that we let you down?
Tell me, where is it that we went wrong?

You were supposed to raise a family
Nurture us with love, not hatred
Showered endless torment callously
Shattering a bond ever-so-sacred

Why did time turn us all into orphans?
What heinous crime did we ever commit?
What made you heartlessly abandon..
..A woman so close to 'perfect'?

You worry because I seem troubled
Whilst deaf & blind to her endless agony
The fortress she painstakingly built has crumbled
Leaving her exposed to your bitter enmity

Although her defenses have broadened
It still has her in total despair
Her children were left orphaned
Void of both fatherly love and care

Every heartbeat more painful than the next
Tears pathetically replacing the words I can't say
Memories of how your 'O's preceded your 'X's
As your little girl wished her 'bestest' dad..
"Happy Birthday"

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala W Barakateh

Blissfully Forgotten

Salam 3lykm

You know how they say..'your face will forever stay imprinted in my mind, and I'll never forget you for as long as I live' about someone you cared about? Funny thing is, you actually do look back at things that once made you cry, and laugh. Sb7analla, I stumbled across some really old files on my PC..& I couldn't help bursting into a fit of crazy giggles, LOL.x$

I have long forgotten what you look like, let alone what you sound like. Your name has become like countless other names out there, Al7mdlla. I try to remember that which I tried for SO long to forget, yet it is like you & I never happened. Al7mdlla.

So here's some consolation for those of you out there, who think they're going through a heart-piercing breakup: time heals. I swear I didn't believe that for as long as I was told it, but someday, you'll be able to look at it as just another experience. Merely another valuable lesson learned.

And here's some advice for you 'lil ones' out there: as irresistible and intriguing the media makes a premarital relationship seem, I swear you're better off waiting for your spouse, trust me. Relationships are only the hard way around learning why intermingling of the sexes is forbidden in Islam, if you ask me.

Don't demean those three valuable words..save 'em for the one who actually proves it to you in ink. *Think 'the legal bond', not a friggin' love letter, mind you ._.* Save 'em for the one who legalizes his/her love for you in front of the entire world.

Treat "I love you" like something sacred; indeed, the only one worthy of it is he/she who isn't reluctant/afraid of letting the world know..it's only YOU he/she wants to spend the rest of his/her life with.

PS. This post wasn't supposed to be all mushy, gooey, and lovey-dovey; it just took a sudden turn in that direction.xD
PPS. I deemed premarital relationships wrong long before I got married, right after I'd gone down the 'wrong way'..to the notorious 'Dark Side'.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

To Celebrate..or NOT?

Salam 3lykm,

Birthdays aren't meant to be celebrated, innit? And I always knew that..but try sharing the same birthday with your spouse! I swear that's just something irresistibly 'celebratable'!x$ And yes, I speak from experience; Bu3awas turns 24 on the 22nd, while I turn 23.=$

Besides, it's our first birthday together..maybe I've been brainwashed, but tell me that isn't easy to overlook! I'm thinking of celebrating it on the 23rd, though..because that technically has no significance, innit?O:) Deep down inside, I know it's just wrong!x_x

Gimme ideas, suggestions..whatever! Help a sista out, 'yall! I've been providing free 'entertainment' for a few years, already..here's your chance to make it all worthwhile!x$

I await your comments this time over!

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

The End

Salam 3lykm,

Sh7aaalkm, Readers? No, this isn't about the end of my blog..not just yet, anyway! This poem's been inspired by a trial a sister I know is currently going through; may Allah make it easy for her, & bless her life with eternal bliss, for she truly deserves it..Ameen.

I was surprised to have written it within less than 10 minutes; I didn't know I still had that in me! I know you would probably expect happier posts, not to mention..mushier ones, but naah. I can't really put all that lovey-dovey stuff in words, without sounding err..jee-ay-why. x_x

I would like to request you all to pray for this sister's marriage..pray that the word 'divorce' stays out of the scenario, and they rekindle the love they once had..it's a very saddening situation indeed.

Leaving you with, "The End":

Thoughts of you once made me smile
Now they just make my eyes well up with tears
Why did you only let it last for a while?
I'd wanted for it to last countless years

Now I feel depressingly hollow inside
Never thought you would put me through so much pain
It doesn't matter how hard I tried
Regret, bitterness, & sorrow is all there was to gain

In sickness and in health; for better or for worse
You just gave it all up in the blink of an eye
Our marriage turned from a blessing into a curse
And all you had to do to save it was just..TRY

Once again, I'd like to request you all to pray for this couple; The Damned is trying really hard to sever once blissful ties..Barak Allah feekm w Jzakm Allah 5ayr.

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Bitter

Salam 3lykm

I only turn to this blog when I can't turn to anyone else; when I feel depressed, angry, or both. And helpless. Feeling all of those since the past few days. Overthinking's going to get the best of me someday! I try really hard to push away all negativity, but 'old habits die hard', innit?

I wrote up another poem, but this time I wrote it over three days..not because I'm losing my ability of turning my feelings into words, but the words I was coming up with kinda scared me. I don't want to be ungrateful for what I've been given..and I've been given more than I could ever imagine, let alone ask for..al7mdlla..

But I suppose I'm bitter for other reasons..namely the atmosphere at home, combined with being stuck here. Let's just say..my marriage was a miracle, given life's circumstances. I don't know what it is..to be quite honest..but I wrote this poem up, & again..I've written better. It's just all jumbled up; makes little sense to the reader, but holds a lot of raw feelings.

Just for the record, it's not Bu3awas. It's just..I don't know..overthinking? Honestly, my mind redefines the meaning of overthinking. Yet I still have to pinpoint where this bitterness is coming up from..I was fine 'til a week or so ago..

Leaving you with 'Bitter':

Am I supposed to tell you how I feel?

Do I tell you how I'm broken inside?

The smile on my face isn't real

It does well to mask the tears I've cried

I desire to break free from captivity

Run 'til my organs can take it no more

Winds assaulting tears viciously

Bitterness devouring me to the core

"Smile." I need a reason that holds

"Be strong." ..And you think I'm being weak?

"Live life." I'm fed up, truth be told

"Think positive." Practice what you f***ing preach

...Then again, it could be the destitute state my Iman currently is in, that has me feeling so..negative..

لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين

Slow Death

Salaaaaaam Allaaaahhhh 3lykm!

Did the title scare y'all? Instill some hope, perhaps?:p I'm not dying, not literally anyway! It's a slow virtual death..yep. Soon, when y'all google 'Um3eesa' or 'Um3awas', you might not find this blog anymore.

Before you reach out for my neck, lemme explain! Or try to, anyway..the brothers should be able to understand; y'all wouldn't like your wife to be 'reachable' online, right? Yeah, Bu3awas' stance is pretty valid, regardless of how many painstaking years it's taken to build this blog up.

I closed down all my social networking accounts as a result. I wouldn't like for suspicions to knock on the door, let alone enter our marriage. Once they enter, love walks out. So yeah, I'd rather be socially dead than be..wait for it..waaaiiiiit for it.."Forever Alone".:p

Yes, I miss sharing my nonsense online..& yes, I miss the friends I made along my...Internet Journey?=| ...but I have a lot more important, concrete aspects of life to anticipate now..& there's no way I can let those crumble.

I guess..this is where 'opportunity cost' comes in, innit? You win some, you lose some. All good things come to an end, innit? Except marriage. If you work for it. I want to hold on to Bu3awas; he's my 'citizenship' for Jannah.=$

Yeah okay, enough mushiness already!xD This was just a general update on life...just to show you I'm still alive. Fortunately or unfortunately.:P

'Til next time,

Essalam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh

Ecstasy

Salam 3lykm,

I wrote this at Fajr, on the 15th of October; it wasn't meant to be poetic, honestly..but when Bu3awas pointed out it's a poem, I realized it actually did rhyme quite a bit.x$ I leave you all with my latest, 'Ecstasy'.

Intoxicated by your scent, senses heightened by your touch; I'd rather put celibacy to shame. Taking more of you in, with each breath..cautiously; fearing the inability of being affected by your fragrance again. My heart against yours, beating in perfect harmony; with our lips in sync, dancing to a beat..inaudible..even to those in close proximity.

Your touch..fingertips stirring up an internal inferno of passion in their wake..your scent, a sweet intoxicant; slowly leaving my sanity at stake.

A Single Step

Salam 3lykm,

Should I start with, "I'm grateful to be alive today?" That would be very unlikely under normal circumstances, but let's just say, I am. Yesterday, it was just one step that saved my life. Literally. Again, it was Allah's Protection & Will, undoubtedly..but had I not retreated, I suppose my family would have been receiving condolences on my demise today.

Sb7analla..no life flashed before my eyes, when I saw that speeding car heading towards me. All I saw were really bright headlights, to be honest. All I could think about was, "I've not prayed elm'3arb yet, wana mb mtwa'9ia." Strangely enough, I didn't think of anyone, 'til that car whizzed past, ruffling my 3ba. I looked straight ahead and thought, "at least the hospital was close by".

It was surreal. A woman who was also waiting at the crossing shrieked, when I stepped down on the road. After all, the traffic light had turned red, and the pedestrian-crossing, green. Needless to say, as soon as the car went by, I crossed the road like nothing happened. "Like a boss." Lol, no seriously...I only realized what really happened when I came out of the shower. That's when everything hit me.

It would have been alright, I guess. Bu3awas would've been matched up with another girl, possibly a friend. Plenty'a fish in the sea, innit? My subjects would've been given to a colleague or two, &..well, my sister would finally have her own room, & maybe even her own laptop!:P Maybe the sudden death would've made my father realize the grave mistakes he's been committing, & he'd finally soften down on the family. Maybe.

Bottom line is, I'm alive. Al7mdlla. But whoever thought a single step could save a life, eh? I've heard about it, but never really gave it much consideration, to be quite honest.

I can't help wondering who Bu3awas would've married instead, though.x'$

'Til next time,

Wes Salam 3lykm w R7matullahi T3ala w Barakateh